I am having one of those moments in my life, in my relationship, in which I am necessarily reminding myself that I know who my partner is - have know who he is from the beginning - and should not be surprised when he is acting true to character. At this moment, I admit, I wish his character were a little different in certain ways.
Specifically, there are two ways in which my partner behaves that I'm struggling with right now...
One, when he is stressed and overwhelmed, he can become depressed and withdrawn. I generally do not do this, and I'm trying, but I don't really understand it. I know that we just went through a HUGE life change in moving to Eugene, and that this change is even bigger for him because he lived on the Central Coast for multiple decades longer than me. He said himself that he did not feel rooted there and that he was open to moving, but when it came down to it, it was very challenging for him.
What I would LIKE him to do when he is stressed and overwhelmed is to communicate about it and ask for what he needs or let me help him figure out what he needs. In general, I would like us to turn to one another and work as a team through life's challenges and adversities. Is this unrealistic? Perhaps, again, considering his nature. He has depression and it seems to flare up when he is feeling stressed and overwhelmed. Can he shift his thinking and reactions at these times? I don't know.
The second aspect with which I'm struggling perhaps relates to the first, as I think about it. He doesn't have the initiative and sense of agency that I would like him to have when it comes to problem solving, especially right now when it has to deal with money. This affects me big-time in the area of engagement and marriage.
I have never been married. I am excited and looking forward to being married. RC and I have talked about marriage many times over the last year plus that we have been together (as mentioned, we were friends for several years, as well, when I lived on the Central Coast a decade ago). Before we left, we had several discussions about getting married before the end of the year for tax purposes - I know, how romantic! - and then, when it quickly became clear that it would be too much to plan a real wedding by the end of the year, we talked about perhaps doing a justice of the peace court wedding in December, then a real wedding in February. We have looked at rings down there and once up here in Oregon, as well.
Fast-forward to yesterday, three weeks after we arrived in Oregon, I asked what his thoughts were now on the subject, and he totally withdrew and said he didn't know what to say - that I know our finance situation, and he wants to get me a ring but doesn't know where the money would come from. ARGH! In a past conversation, I asked him to reflect and consider where the money might be found. Is it unreasonable that I want him to take the lead on this endeavor? I'm willing to help or talk through finances, but I DON'T WANT TO BE IN CHARGE OF COMING UP WITH THE MONEY FOR MY OWN RING!
Obviously, I have some energy around this. As mentioned, I've never been married. He's been married twice before. The proposal and ring mean a lot to me, and there is romance involved, at least for me. It's so frustrating to me that it seems he hasn't even been thinking about this situation and how we might move forward. In this moment, right now, I can brainstorm two or three ways that he/we could come up with some money. Why can't he do that and take the lead? In addition to frustrated, it makes me feel sad and insecure.
Thanks for listening to my venting on this. I'd love to hear your thoughts and comments.
Showing posts with label frustration. Show all posts
Showing posts with label frustration. Show all posts
11/25/2018
9/28/2018
FET Update #2
We are in limbo-land this week because the Beta did not drop. It was around 20 on Monday, so we re-test this Monday, fingers crossed.
It's so frustrating because we had a tentative cycle calendar which had us transfer at the end of October. Now, from what the nurse told me previously, the earliest we could transfer would be November 12th. :( This is an issue not just because it's so hard to be in limbo, but also because we are trying to make a move to my hometown in Oregon, and were planning on the beginning of November. We still may do that, but would then need to make a seven-and-a-half hour drive to the clinic for the transfer.
The good news is that we could get all the testing and ultrasounds done locally, but that's a tough drive to make and not ideal to do shortly after transferring. We will see how things unfold. The first hurdle is getting my d@mn Beta to drop, so please send good thoughts for us on Monday.
I have been feeling okay; a little occasional very light cramping and old blood spotting. I have continued taking the birth control pills, per doctor's orders, as well as the Trental medication for uterine blood flow. My mood has been okay generally, but it seems like I have less patience and tolerance than usual; RC and I have had some frustrating conversations.
I've been trying to meditate daily, however, and today we are going on a big food shopping trip to stock up with healthy items for the cycle. Yay. I'm back up to four career counseling clients, and am enjoying having that to take some positive attention and time. Fingers crossed we can move forward next week!
It's so frustrating because we had a tentative cycle calendar which had us transfer at the end of October. Now, from what the nurse told me previously, the earliest we could transfer would be November 12th. :( This is an issue not just because it's so hard to be in limbo, but also because we are trying to make a move to my hometown in Oregon, and were planning on the beginning of November. We still may do that, but would then need to make a seven-and-a-half hour drive to the clinic for the transfer.
The good news is that we could get all the testing and ultrasounds done locally, but that's a tough drive to make and not ideal to do shortly after transferring. We will see how things unfold. The first hurdle is getting my d@mn Beta to drop, so please send good thoughts for us on Monday.
I have been feeling okay; a little occasional very light cramping and old blood spotting. I have continued taking the birth control pills, per doctor's orders, as well as the Trental medication for uterine blood flow. My mood has been okay generally, but it seems like I have less patience and tolerance than usual; RC and I have had some frustrating conversations.
I've been trying to meditate daily, however, and today we are going on a big food shopping trip to stock up with healthy items for the cycle. Yay. I'm back up to four career counseling clients, and am enjoying having that to take some positive attention and time. Fingers crossed we can move forward next week!
7/13/2016
Frustrated
OMG, I am so frustrated today! For one thing I was woken up by freakin' house builders readying the outside for the work they'll do on the bathroom this afternoon. It's work that needs to get done, but hammering and power tools is not a great alarm clock or background noise. I'm leaving in a few minutes to work out. I have an interview this afternoon with the brain injury support organization. Seems like a really good "for now" part-time opportunity, and I do hope I get it. But that adds to the stress, of course. Plus leaving for Oregon tomorrow. Plus I *still* haven't started my cycle! I asked my doctor via email and she said her guess was, wait for it, perimenopause. ha Well, I guess it probably is but it's so strange when you experience symptoms you've never experienced in your life. It's also continuing to delay my scheduling the saline sonogram. sigh. Well, better run, thanks for listening to my vent.
2/11/2016
Labor and Love
Ach! Going crazy with the roommate over here. She is a Diva with the space; flouncing into the living room or kitchen at her convenience expecting me to jump up and move. Now, I'm working at my desk and she's in the living room just next door with the TV on. Ach! Thank God she's leaving midday for a couple of days. And thank God for headphones and calming Youtube recordings.
In other news, S had a bump in the road with his surgery recovery. His largest laparoscopic wound (not sure what to call it) got infected and broke open. He had to go back into the hospital for a couple days. It understandably freaked him out as it happened in the middle of the night and he had to call an ambulance to take him in. He's doing okay now so, fingers crossed, recovery will go as planned from here on out.
We have our couples NVC class this evening. There are only two couples in the class, which creates an almost uncomfortable intimacy between all of us in the small meeting room. We are being asked to share a lot of vulnerable feelings and experiences around our relationship communication, which is good and leading to some insights, but I admit I wish there one more couple at least. We learn from other couples sharing, as well. It's an 8-week class, so a few more to go. S and I have talked about how the class is refreshing the NVC concepts and principles in our minds, which positively affects our relationship in subtle ways. Overall, feeling grateful about it.
On the work front, I found a federally-funded career one-stop center (I recommend that those of you job searching check these out!) a short drive away and have decided this will be my "home base" for business work and job search activities when my roommate is home or I need to access their printing resources, etc. Yay! I completed the required equivalency application for the college district in which I'd like to work, and plan to submit another application today.
With my own business, I'm enjoying working with my clients and organically discovering various business systems to make things easier, such as a scheduling system, a note-tracking system, and a client contract template. My clients are generally awesome and fun to work with. And on the heels of last months poorly attended Meetup - one person! - last night I had four women attend and all of them signed up for free half-hour career consultations! Please send good thoughts that a couple of these lead to them becoming new clients.
Thank you so much for your kind wishes about S's surgery; they are really appreciated. We have plans for a lovely and scrumptious Valentine's Day dinner at an amazing restaurant, where we went a couple years ago for S's birthday. So looking forward to it! We decided we needed a romantic and fun night out after all the recent challenges.
Hope your Valentine's Day is full of love; be it romantic or with close friends and family.
In other news, S had a bump in the road with his surgery recovery. His largest laparoscopic wound (not sure what to call it) got infected and broke open. He had to go back into the hospital for a couple days. It understandably freaked him out as it happened in the middle of the night and he had to call an ambulance to take him in. He's doing okay now so, fingers crossed, recovery will go as planned from here on out.
We have our couples NVC class this evening. There are only two couples in the class, which creates an almost uncomfortable intimacy between all of us in the small meeting room. We are being asked to share a lot of vulnerable feelings and experiences around our relationship communication, which is good and leading to some insights, but I admit I wish there one more couple at least. We learn from other couples sharing, as well. It's an 8-week class, so a few more to go. S and I have talked about how the class is refreshing the NVC concepts and principles in our minds, which positively affects our relationship in subtle ways. Overall, feeling grateful about it.
On the work front, I found a federally-funded career one-stop center (I recommend that those of you job searching check these out!) a short drive away and have decided this will be my "home base" for business work and job search activities when my roommate is home or I need to access their printing resources, etc. Yay! I completed the required equivalency application for the college district in which I'd like to work, and plan to submit another application today.
With my own business, I'm enjoying working with my clients and organically discovering various business systems to make things easier, such as a scheduling system, a note-tracking system, and a client contract template. My clients are generally awesome and fun to work with. And on the heels of last months poorly attended Meetup - one person! - last night I had four women attend and all of them signed up for free half-hour career consultations! Please send good thoughts that a couple of these lead to them becoming new clients.
Thank you so much for your kind wishes about S's surgery; they are really appreciated. We have plans for a lovely and scrumptious Valentine's Day dinner at an amazing restaurant, where we went a couple years ago for S's birthday. So looking forward to it! We decided we needed a romantic and fun night out after all the recent challenges.
Hope your Valentine's Day is full of love; be it romantic or with close friends and family.
2/06/2015
So mad at myself! And some positive news...
Starting with the negative, I am so angry at myself right now! And super sad, too. I freaking left my traveling/teaching suitcase in front of the house yesterday, and it was stolen. I remember being on my way in and stopping to pick up an extra coffee cup from the back seat. I must have set the bag down by the car... either that or on the front porch. Unfortunately, my street gets a lot of foot traffic, and apparently some loser thief walked by and snatched it up. I left for my foster/adopt meeting a couple hours later and didn't realize it was gone until I got back around 9:30pm. When I didn't see it where it normally sits, I started looking all over the house, then checked the car three or four times with gradually rising panic. Pretty soon, the reality was clear that it was gone. :(
I called the police and filed a report, checked the nearby market dumpster with the help of a kind young man, called all the nearby pawn shops and asked them to look for it, and posted flyers outside my house. I even offered $100 for it's return on the flyer. But nothing yet, and I know the odds are very low that I would get it back. There was nothing valuable to anyone else in the bag - my class textbook, handouts, student papers - but the bag itself is worth several hundred dollars. It. so. sucks.
I was so wound up and upset, I drank a stiff drink, then stayed up almost all night working on stuff for my business. Several people received emails sent at 4 or 5 a.m. lol It made me feel slightly better, I think, to be working towards building an income after just having lost something valuable.
On to the positive news... first, the date last weekend with SB started pretty rocky, as neither of us were particularly grounded (same thing happened that one night at dinner). I know this isn't sounding very positive but bear with me... I was in a bad mood after a difficult conversation with my housemate and was being a brat, and he got mad at one point when he felt I was unfairly representing his efforts to support me as, well, unsupportive. We turned around from the event we were heading towards and drove back to my neighborhood.
But... once we got back, we sat in the car talking and basically worked through it. I suggested we just be affectionate friends right now - ha - and somehow that created a sense of freedom for both of us. This wouldn't work with some people, but with me and him, I guess it took the pressure off of things needing to be "perfect." We happily traipsed off to watch the Sup.er Bowl and eat lunch/drink beer. Later, we came back to my place and ended up kissing on the couch. It was very nice! So seventh date ended up being a good one. Funny side note: he happened to be wearing a t-shirt that said the word "Seven" in big letters. I have my first date with the other guy to go dancing to a live band tonight. Feeling pretty tired but we will see how it goes.
In another bit of good news, I attended the fos.ter/adopt orientation last night and learned some helpful information:
The one piece of bad news is that they do not necessarily cover all of child care, which they used to do. There is a limited stipend, so I need to factor the remainder into my budget. I did hear that headstart offers quality, affordable childcare. Do you think that is true?
That's all for now. Mixed feelings heading into the weekend. Hope your weekend is starting on a high note.
I called the police and filed a report, checked the nearby market dumpster with the help of a kind young man, called all the nearby pawn shops and asked them to look for it, and posted flyers outside my house. I even offered $100 for it's return on the flyer. But nothing yet, and I know the odds are very low that I would get it back. There was nothing valuable to anyone else in the bag - my class textbook, handouts, student papers - but the bag itself is worth several hundred dollars. It. so. sucks.
I was so wound up and upset, I drank a stiff drink, then stayed up almost all night working on stuff for my business. Several people received emails sent at 4 or 5 a.m. lol It made me feel slightly better, I think, to be working towards building an income after just having lost something valuable.
On to the positive news... first, the date last weekend with SB started pretty rocky, as neither of us were particularly grounded (same thing happened that one night at dinner). I know this isn't sounding very positive but bear with me... I was in a bad mood after a difficult conversation with my housemate and was being a brat, and he got mad at one point when he felt I was unfairly representing his efforts to support me as, well, unsupportive. We turned around from the event we were heading towards and drove back to my neighborhood.
But... once we got back, we sat in the car talking and basically worked through it. I suggested we just be affectionate friends right now - ha - and somehow that created a sense of freedom for both of us. This wouldn't work with some people, but with me and him, I guess it took the pressure off of things needing to be "perfect." We happily traipsed off to watch the Sup.er Bowl and eat lunch/drink beer. Later, we came back to my place and ended up kissing on the couch. It was very nice! So seventh date ended up being a good one. Funny side note: he happened to be wearing a t-shirt that said the word "Seven" in big letters. I have my first date with the other guy to go dancing to a live band tonight. Feeling pretty tired but we will see how it goes.
In another bit of good news, I attended the fos.ter/adopt orientation last night and learned some helpful information:
- Confirmation that a child 0-2 years could be placed with me in my current living situation.
- The mandatory 4-week training in Oakland fits perfectly with my schedule. It starts in April - after my February/March client attraction weekend intensives - and will be Tues/Thurs evenings a couple hours after finishing work at the college.
- One of the trainers told me that once I am certified to adopt, I can register and create profiles with different counties, which expands the number of possible children I might be matched with.
- It is nice to have checklists of tasks and steps so as to feel like I am moving forward towards the goal.
The one piece of bad news is that they do not necessarily cover all of child care, which they used to do. There is a limited stipend, so I need to factor the remainder into my budget. I did hear that headstart offers quality, affordable childcare. Do you think that is true?
That's all for now. Mixed feelings heading into the weekend. Hope your weekend is starting on a high note.
4/15/2012
Trip Check-In
I'm sitting in my brother's house in Oregon. Today, we're all (except my parents) going to the coast. A couple things are standing out for me again with my family culture:
Anyway, it bugs me that I care about this still after all this time. I think when I don't have time to myself to get grounded, then I feel more affected by this stuff. Writing it out is helpful.
But I am loving the time with my niece and nephew (4 and 2 years old). They are so incredibly imaginative and playful. Yesterday/last night we played with bubbles, made rat cupcakes, sang songs, played hide and go seek, etc. I was tired at the end of the night but it was so fun.
- There is a lot of drinking, especially among certain people (my brother-in-law and brother-and Dad but he wasn't at the barbeque last night). This happens even when it's not a "party" just a family gathering, which says people are looking for a reason to tip a few back. Of course this affects the quality of interaction and feeling of the gathering.
- The depth of conversation is not what I would enjoy. My sister - even though we had a short conversation not long ago about this - didn't ask me anything about things that matter to me, such as dance, theatre, community work, friends, etc. Nobody asks about these things. They'll ask about dating and men sometimes. My brother and I talk about work and family, and he knows about my efforts to become a mother, but with my sister and parents I feel invisible a lot of the time. Or I'm valued for being an Aunt and a creative person, but not for what I'm doing in my life back in the Bay Area. Even if they can't relate, I think they could ask. I ask them about business developments, Junior League, and other things I can't really relate to.
Anyway, it bugs me that I care about this still after all this time. I think when I don't have time to myself to get grounded, then I feel more affected by this stuff. Writing it out is helpful.
But I am loving the time with my niece and nephew (4 and 2 years old). They are so incredibly imaginative and playful. Yesterday/last night we played with bubbles, made rat cupcakes, sang songs, played hide and go seek, etc. I was tired at the end of the night but it was so fun.
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