A Rough Day

After gearing up for my workshop yesterday on "Career Building as an Introvert," using information from the book, "Quiet," unfortunately no one showed up. :( Last time I did a workshop at this bookstore, I got about 9-10 people but the workshop was more general on career exploration and resumes and the bookstore was at it's old location.  Now, it's downtown, bigger and nicer, but I thought that would be a plus not a minus?  And I assumed they had the same mailing list as before, which they said they did when I asked. 

I don't think it was promoted well - I saw the poster on the outside and it was handwritten and not very clear.  There was a typed one inside but for some reason there were no pictures, when all the other promotional speaker posters had nice pictures.  Maybe that's something I'm supposed to do myself, but I don't think so because the guy who made the posters said something about the owner saying not to put a picture on it because she wanted the title bigger or something (?).  Anyway, it was very blase looking compared to the others. 

But one of my main questions is does the word "Introvert" speak to people?  Will you give me feedback on that for yourselves?  In my workshop context, it's taken from the MBTI personality assessment definition of introvert, and that's what the book is referring to, as well.  Introversion and the needs of introverts can be undervalued and sometimes we need to advocate for and take care of ourselves around work.  Also, needing to choose careers that don't completely wipe us out and to network, if we are job searching, in a way that works for us - focusing on finding like-minded people or quality connections versus a fist full of business cards.  So that's a taste of what I was going to talk about and since something like 35-40% of all people are introverts, I know there are plenty of people who could benefit.  But I need to find the language that speaks to their problems and concerns.  Is it exhaustion and overwhelm?  Do I need to say, "people who are more reflective and deep thinking/analytical and need time alone to recharge" or "more low-key, reflective, quiet types" instead of introvert?  I would love to work with this niche, so any thoughts and feedback welcome.

A couple good things did come out of the experience.  One woman came to the bookstore who didn't know about the workshop so had other plans, but she said she definitely was interested.  We had a nice conversation, and she took my card and said she would like to talk about individual career counseling.  I hope she follows up!  Also, just connecting to the space and the staff at the bookstore was good.  I have another workshop coming up on the 27th that will be more general career exploration, "do what you love" kind of focus, so it was good to talk about promoting that and realizing I need to get them some copy about it, as well.  I mentioned needing a way for them to sign up for it online, and it sounds like that might be possible.  This all feels like a big experimentation/learning process!

Yesterday was a rough day, too, because I had a conversation with C, and he basically said he is afraid of another break up and doesn't want to go through that again.  He said he is clear that he's basically not going to be ready for a relationship for a while and needs time on his own - like to go away on a solo vacation and figure some things out.  I asked if it was that he saw things with us that would not work in the long run, and we would end up breaking up and he said sort of - he wasn't a clear yes on that.  Of course, he would be willing to hang out and likes the "cuddling" (why do guys call it this?  It's basically code for fooling around), but I'm not down with that and said as much.  This all came up because as we spend more time together, attachments are naturally starting to happen and it was feeling more "serious."

I think he does have commitment issues based on past stuff, but I think a piece of it is definitely what happened around me getting "triggered" or emotional and wanting to process at times.  He's just not down with that.  I definitely need someone who is down with that.  And who shares there own feelings, too.  Not in a critical or disrespectful way, but with some consciousness and taking responsibility for our own "stuff."  Anyway, I'm sad.  Even though I see the logic in it, I'm sad.  Because I was attracted to him, and we had a lot of playful fun when we were together.  And the dancing, don't get me started on the dancing.  It was so incredibly awesome.  But you can't build a relationship on dancing, right?  So, yeah, no way around it, I'm sad and I'm going to miss him. :(

Pregnant with Possibilities

I'm so tired right now.  Yesterday, career fair.  Today, science and math conference.  Both for middle school young'uns.  Both actually fun, engaging, purposeful.  But also high octane energy!

Then, tomorrow, I'm co-facilitating the Inner Transition workshop I mentioned.  We have 20 participants!  Woo hoo!  But it feels a bit overwhelming at the moment.  I think maybe some meditation, some TV chilling and a fairly early bedtime are in order this evening.  First, however, I need to write out a few notes about what I will say at certain points tomorrow....

Other exciting happenings and potentialities:

• At the conference today, one of the other counselors recommended to our Dean that I be switched to working with the high schools (involving college matriculation process and teaching some career and CTE - Career Tech.nical Education - classes).  I could have kissed her!  So very, very cool that she did this!  The Dean apparently said, "What about N (my boss)?" and the counselor said, "She can submit a posting for the job."  And the Dean said, "Oh, okay," or something relatively positive like that.  

• Anyway, this counselor recommending me is a big deal because she is well-loved there and has a close relationship with the Dean.  Please think good thoughts!  Though I've come to love my little pre-teensters, teaching 40 of them in this set curriculum, with all the behavior management involved, is not playing to my strengths.  I can do it for a while longer but would so like to shift to older youth, who are more ready to be thinking seriously about their lives and careers.

• On the ttc front, my two test results both came back negative, which I guess is a good thing.  They were:  Lup.us Coagulant and Cardio.lipin Antibody (Cardio.lipin AB, serum).  Anybody know much about these tests?  I guess they have to do with immunological and clotting issues.

• I can't believe I might be doing another donor IUI soon.  But that seems to be where my path is leading at the moment.  And, though I don't prefer it, I will go forward with it if possible, at the same time I continue to explore other avenues.  Speaking of which, nothing much happening on the co-parent front.  The L.A. guy is still coming Memorial Day, and there is one decent-seeming guy (graduate degree, attractive, sounds sane) in Sacramento who wants to meet, so we'll see.

• Meanwhile, I have a huge crush on a Latino gentleman in my theatre class who is studying to become a Jesuit priest.  What?  Yep, that's right.  Ridiculous, people, my love life is currently ridiculous.

p.s. I'm about to ovulate and I really wish I could do something about it!

Time Off and More Talking

This week has been one of three weeks off from my teaching job.  It just worked out that way because of a school break and a delay in signing on the next school.  Here's praying that the next school signs on the dotted line!  This situation classically illustrates the unreliable aspects of working for a grant program.  Luckily, I've been working double hours lately, which leaves me with a bit of savings.

I told myself (and S) that I was going to search for another part-time job for several hours every day this week.  I did spend time writing and reflecting on my goal of working as a Transition/Green Career Counselor.  And it looks like I can make some money working for the Perm.acultureXchange website, researching and conducting partner outreach..... but I haven't been disciplined enough and am feeling frustrated with myself.  Tomorrow is a new day and I WILL spend a good chunk of time to that end.

S and I spent all Sunday together.  The idea was that we would do our Sunday "routine," but, yeah, that didn't happen so much.  I came over and was flooded with emotion remembering the conflicts we had over there before we broke up and also that his ex had been living there all of December.

So, instead of Spiritual practice, we ended up talking a lot more about all that.  Then we did head down to the Farmer's Market and to dance/workout.  Followed by lunch and more talking.

Major insight:  when we've felt stuck trying to talk through conflict, he is totally committed to making me understand why my actions/strategy are not working, and I am totally committed to trying to reconnect through compassion for one another.  Mental versus emotional.  Head versus Heart.  Does not compute.  This is a breakthrough because we got stuck there a lot at the end!

Tonight we're going to dinner/movie.  And probably more talking!  Ha!

A Busier than Usual Weekend

Actually getting together tomorrow in-person with S to talk about our relationship and it's demise.  I still struggle with wrapping my head and heart around his decision about the ex at the end, and how he could have held the idea of her coming out and staying with him in his head our entire relationship.  So hopefully I'll find a bit more peace with that whole thing.

The dark side in me that I want to forget, which I've shared a lot about in previous posts, revolves around my doubts around our chemistry and my judgments of him, as well as my tendency to want to force things to be what I wanted them to be at times.  I honestly think our two sides are connected.  It doesn't make it okay, but it helps explain the disconnect that might open the door for him to consider such things.

The confusing thing about relationships is that everything - all the issues and feelings - are wrapped around each other and interconnected like jungle vines.  Trying to dissect and unravel "my part" and "your part" can be an exercise in higher emotional math.  But, yes, I enjoy higher emotional math more than most!

Shout out to all you who've been enduring the sick lately.  I've been under the weather since a week ago last Tuesday with this cold/cough crud that's been going around.  I'm grateful there wasn't any severe congestion, knock on wood (this thing has had so many phases, I wouldn't be surprised if another one rolled around), but the coughing has been a real joy.  Not so much.

I'm kind of warped in my sense of humor sometimes and would tease certain more rowdy kids with threats I was going to cough on them.  hehe  Maybe that's really inappropriate; I'll probably get a call from a parent.  In my defense, I never actually DID it.  :-)

Brief side note:  I confirmed that there will be no hours for me for at least two or two-and-a-half months this summer = increase the urgency in search for added income sources!  I also talked to the Dean of our department, and she said there are no additional grant hours available.  And even if there were, I could only work a total of 16 hours a week per a specific District rule.  Disappointing.  She also said supportive things about my value to the team and gave me some positive guidance, so that felt good.

Looking forward to my Heart and Soul community meeting tonight and the Dances of Universal Peace being led by another member.  The creativity will continue tomorrow morning when I attend the Mosaic class my brother gave me for my birthday.  Their class description said we will all leave with a completed mosaic art piece; very cool!  Seems like good energy to move into my talk with S. . .

Strange Days

Strange days, folks, strange days.

It feels like more time has passed than actually has since Christmas.  Still a little freaky that S and I actually broke up.  I did not see that coming (before finding out about the ex living with him for a month, that is).

Never expected to be back on the ridiculous site known as matc.h.c.om.  Ridiculous, yet so enticing for us introverts.  You mean I don't have to go out and actually meet and make small talk with people?  Awesome.  Of course, eventually you do need to meet the person and take things offline.

Which is precisely where I am with the former officer of the law: just prior to meeting.  Honestly, I'm not sure I really should.  We are sooo different, and he's way less open and self-aware at this point.  He says he wants to grow and learn in that area.  On the other hand, he is quite spiritual and analytical: I think I mentioned he was a hostage negotiator and also led a youth mentoring program for quite a while.

So he's got some depth but he's also a pretty well-constructed external shell, as you might imagine he would, thinking of a stereotypical person in law enforcement.  Also, though he's been broken up with his ex-wife for a year, their final papers are just now going through and he's still feeling some pain.

One more facet of our connection: we've had these crazy "energetic exchanges," I guess you would call them, where we're on the phone not talking but feeling as though we are physically connected in a yummy cuddly type way.  It feels really amazing and kinda trips me out. . . We're supposed to get together Sunday, so we'll see.

On other fronts, teaching the little hellions two days a week is okay so far, knock on wood.  My supervisor is interviewing and should hire someone soon.  I'm planning to ask the head of our department if there are any other grants on which I might assist, in addition to this one.  Funding is always uncertain but they have a big variety of grants, and I understand they may need some help.

And then I have my Transition Heart and Soul meeting tomorrow night.  A group called "Green Sangha" will be coming to lead meditation and discuss consciousness / meditation / sustainability / green principles.  Fun stuff!

Saturday, I'm planning to attend the opening of a local Peace and Justice Center here in Oak.land and a Non-Violent Communication Workshop on navigating interpersonal conflict in the afternoon.  I see on Fac.ebook that S is signed up to attend the opening, as well.  It may be our first community "run in," which is a bit scary.

I actually wrote him an email yesterday asking if he would be willing to have a more closure-type relationship talk, now that some time has passed.

Waves of sadness and missing him come and go now, but they're smaller and a lot farther between (I can't say the cop hasn't been a distraction).  Anger still colors my view of our demise.  I'm not sure how I'll feel if I run into him at this event.  Imagining it will be awkward.

Just a quick update tonight before getting to bed.

I've been feeling sad the last day or so - possibly because of seasonal affective disorder?  or the time of year?  or PMS/hormonal stuff worsening?  I'm not sure.

 Sh/cm and I had some tension Sunday afternoon.  We talked through it, but it felt bad after having a great time away together.  Part of me wonders if he was happy to separate and get back to work, while it's harder for me for some reason.

Anyway, call me Ms. Melancholy.  I actually feel sorry for sh/cm with how inconsolable I was on the phone yesterday.  Oh well.

Off to my field trip bright and early tomorrow morning.  Wish me luck!

Premature Exhaustion

I. am. so. tired.

Reacclimating to normal life has been hard for some reason, even though we were only gone for a couple of days.  It might be premature exhaustion, in anticipation of my intense work week, I guess.  It's going to be all middle schoolers, all the time.

I don't think I mentioned it, but my teaching counterpart who teaches Thursdays is not getting along with the current 8th-grade English teacher with whom we're working.  So, my supervisor asked me to teach her remaining sessions, in addition to my own.  Plus, this week and next include one field trip day.

The positive side to this story is that I'm off after December 16th (my birthday!) for the rest of the month.  It will be nice holiday preparation-wise, but also working extra for the next two weeks will help balance the lost hours.

I know I'm a wuss compared to some of y'all, but as I've shared, this teaching (especially this age kids) really takes it out of me.  Thus, I'm mentally preparing to be tough and muscle through the next couple of weeks.  Wish me luck!

Next weekend will be all about Christmas stuff like buying and decorating a tree, so that will be a reward. . .

Sub-Par

I would like to apologize for my bad attitude ahead of time.  

This job stinks.  

Looking back, I spent much of today scowling at 13-year-olds chatting gaily with their buddies, as our guest speaker valiantly soldiered on.  I also said, "Listen up!" and "Shhhh" about a million times and walked around the room motioning and cajoling them to, "Pay attention."  Fun stuff.

I hate classroom management, and what's more I'm not great at it.  Yes, I can do it now, better than I could when I started 10 or 11 weeks ago, but I'm still at most sub-par.  I don't like the feeling of doing just an okay job.  I want to be doing work that truly fits me, and at which I can excel.  

I've always been more of a creative project design and one-on-one counseling person, as well as self-development theatre/creativity-based workshops for older youth/adults.  But not teaching classrooms of 40 amped-up middle school kids.  This might fit more in the category of "my worst nightmare."  

How did I end up here?  Oh yeah. . . . the money thing.  What's that you say?  I've posted similar blog entries before?  It can't be!

All this leads me to say that I am going to jumpstart my work search again and also put energy into the collaborative educational workshop idea with sh/cm, which has juice for me.  I'm hoping a meeting tomorrow with a friend, who mentioned conspiratorially that she has an idea she wants to run by me, may hold promise, as well.

This concludes todays regularly-scheduled bitch-o-rama.

p.s.  I did have one contribution this week of which I'm proud:  I designed a clear and colorful handout with introductory exercises for our career exploration software program.  I guess even if I leave this program in the near future, I can contribute in a lasting way on that level.

The Cute and the Weird

Posting the final post of October 2011.  I'm still deciding whether to join NaBloPoMo for November, the biggest month.  I haven't seemed to get much increased traffic from participating, but maybe I'm not as active as I would need to be to really reap the benefits?

Part of the challenge is that there doesn't seem to be a "good fit" category for my non-Niche blog.  It would probably best fit in a "trying to conceive" category right now.  Either that, or a dating/relationship category, but neither of those seem to exist.  Just "Family" and "General" and "Niche," but Niches seems to Nichey for my blog.  lol

Anyway, on to this final October post.

So I ended up giving some candy out tonight, though I hadn't planned on it, because my housemate got back earlier than I expected and sort of encouraged me (encouraged me and then left to go out to dinner, but it still worked).  And also I ended up being home during the prime hours and happened to find a bag of Hershey's kisses and some other candy and pencils left over from teaching to add to the mix.

We don't get many trick-or-treaters anyway, so my measly loot lasted until a little after 8 p.m., at which time I turned off the porch light and blew out the pumpkin.

The smaller kids who came early on were the cutest: little princesses and animal babies with shy, barely heard, "trick or treat"s.  Because they hadn't yet learned procedure, some of them said it in tandem with knocking, which was too cute.

In other (ttc) news - sorry for TMI and I won't be offended if you stop reading here - I saw some tannish color on the tissue earlier this evening.  It's only 2-3 dpo so it can't possibly be implantation bleeding, right?  Has anyone else experienced this?  I've never had this happen so early in my cycle.  So I'm somewhat befuddled, but trying to just forget about it and chalk it up to hormones or stress or something.

I teach tomorrow so will be going to bed at the semi-ridiculously early hour of 10 or 10:30 p.m. tonight.  I hope the little devils are kind to me again this week!  At least I have an hour and a half lunch this cycle, so I have a Vietnamese lunch with my Teaching Assistant to look forward to, in between periods of cramming in a career interest assessment that should really take twice as long as the timeframe we are given.

Second Day Down

Another school day down.  Only one truly torturous period - 6TH (BOO, HISS).  Several little trouble makers whose sole purpose is to make my life difficult!

I'm somewhat powerless in that the teacher in this class has indicated she wants to deal with any bad behavior, due to the fact that we are not certified teachers.  Her "dealing with it" has looked like talking with them and the behavior starting back up again within a few minutes.

The other teacher we are working with is quite the opposite and is supporting and tag teaming us very successfully to manage her classes.

I've communicated with my supervisor about the situation in Period 6, which yesterday included talking and disruption the entire period, including inappropriate sexual innuendo remarks.  I'm hoping she will have some solution but if not, I've committed to soldiering through.

The classes are such a lesson in contrast!  Period 4 are complete and total angels, and I sail through that class on a cloud.  The others are on a range in-between, but most are productive and fairly well engaged overall.  Some of the students truly are incredibly endearing and sweet.  When things get tough, I continue to repeat the mantra of my hourly wage. lol

To give you a sense of how drained I feel when I get done with the day: yesterday I bought a diet coke and chocolate hostess donettes to soothe myself immediately after, then proceeded to come home and lie on the couch the rest of the late afternoon/evening, except for taking a neighborhood walk.  Fell asleep for over an hour during that time, as well.

Again, kudos to the teachers out there.  I know now that you have to be very special and strong to be a teacher.  I literally would not have it in me to teach full-time.  You deserve much more money and many more accolades!!!

p.s. I will post separately on my current two-week wait in the next day or two.  Right now, off to acupuncture. . .