This will be a summary of the ups and downs of my recent dating/living situation with C, as well as an appeal to send me some good thoughts about an exciting upcoming event.
So, I lived with C for a couple of weeks and, let's just say, what I thought would happen, did. Our chemistry ignited and we ended up fooling around several times. It was fun - really wonderful actually - and I don't regret it, even though it led to hurt feelings, as I also predicted.
When I asked him about staying there, he warned me that a long-time friend - a girl - would be coming into town during that time and he was concerned about awkwardness (there's that word again). At the time, we were not dating and, frankly, I was somewhat desperate to find a place to stay... plus, I missed him. So, I over-optimistically reassured him I could handle it, and it would not be a big deal.
Well, when the actual event transpired, we had been hanging out and connecting physically, and I felt more attached. Plus, I assumed she would spend time there but had no idea she would be spending the night. :-/ Also, he didn't give me enough warning so that I could have made arrangements to stay somewhere else. Basically, it was really stressful and, yes, awkward and uncomfortable, for me at least, even though she had her 7-year-old daughter with her and I don't think anything sexual happened. She still slept in his room. In his bed. With me down the hall. Yuck. I felt he should have done more to acknowledge the impact on me and try to alleviate it - at the least by giving me a couple days warning.
The deeper issue is that the intimacy we shared (not sex but intimacy that felt increasingly loving) didn't change his feelings about commitment and moving forward to being in a relationship. It didn't seem to increase his attachment to me; whereas for me, it definitely did. That was a sad and painful realization. Thus, it was probably good timing to leave for Tahoe and from there move into my house-sitting situation. We have had a couple of processing conversations since then, but I have decided I am done trying to break through his wall and make him realize he loves me and can't live without me. ha I faced reality that this will not be happening any time soon, and likely not ever. I'm moving on and putting my energy towards more productive and mutual situations. I actually have a date tonight that I'm looking forward to (sort of - ha).
The exciting upcoming event is that I found out yesterday that I have an interview for the full-time counseling position in San.ta Rosa on the 28th! Yay! I actually was pumping my arms and exclaiming, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" when I got the email. Please send me good thoughts at 3 and 4pm on the 28th. There is a writing part of the interview at 3:15, and the actual interview is at 4... I'm sure it will be a panel interview again, but last time (I interviewed for another position a few months ago) I remember thinking these were the nicest people - and this was the most enjoyable interview - that I had ever experienced in this context. I do plan to spend a lot of time preparing!
Both professionally and personally, I'm setting my sights on "thriving" versus just "surviving."
Showing posts with label C. Show all posts
Showing posts with label C. Show all posts
7/17/2015
6/07/2015
A Rough Day
After gearing up for my workshop yesterday on "Career Building as an Introvert," using information from the book, "Quiet," unfortunately no one showed up. :( Last time I did a workshop at this bookstore, I got about 9-10 people but the workshop was more general on career exploration and resumes and the bookstore was at it's old location. Now, it's downtown, bigger and nicer, but I thought that would be a plus not a minus? And I assumed they had the same mailing list as before, which they said they did when I asked.
I don't think it was promoted well - I saw the poster on the outside and it was handwritten and not very clear. There was a typed one inside but for some reason there were no pictures, when all the other promotional speaker posters had nice pictures. Maybe that's something I'm supposed to do myself, but I don't think so because the guy who made the posters said something about the owner saying not to put a picture on it because she wanted the title bigger or something (?). Anyway, it was very blase looking compared to the others.
But one of my main questions is does the word "Introvert" speak to people? Will you give me feedback on that for yourselves? In my workshop context, it's taken from the MBTI personality assessment definition of introvert, and that's what the book is referring to, as well. Introversion and the needs of introverts can be undervalued and sometimes we need to advocate for and take care of ourselves around work. Also, needing to choose careers that don't completely wipe us out and to network, if we are job searching, in a way that works for us - focusing on finding like-minded people or quality connections versus a fist full of business cards. So that's a taste of what I was going to talk about and since something like 35-40% of all people are introverts, I know there are plenty of people who could benefit. But I need to find the language that speaks to their problems and concerns. Is it exhaustion and overwhelm? Do I need to say, "people who are more reflective and deep thinking/analytical and need time alone to recharge" or "more low-key, reflective, quiet types" instead of introvert? I would love to work with this niche, so any thoughts and feedback welcome.
A couple good things did come out of the experience. One woman came to the bookstore who didn't know about the workshop so had other plans, but she said she definitely was interested. We had a nice conversation, and she took my card and said she would like to talk about individual career counseling. I hope she follows up! Also, just connecting to the space and the staff at the bookstore was good. I have another workshop coming up on the 27th that will be more general career exploration, "do what you love" kind of focus, so it was good to talk about promoting that and realizing I need to get them some copy about it, as well. I mentioned needing a way for them to sign up for it online, and it sounds like that might be possible. This all feels like a big experimentation/learning process!
Yesterday was a rough day, too, because I had a conversation with C, and he basically said he is afraid of another break up and doesn't want to go through that again. He said he is clear that he's basically not going to be ready for a relationship for a while and needs time on his own - like to go away on a solo vacation and figure some things out. I asked if it was that he saw things with us that would not work in the long run, and we would end up breaking up and he said sort of - he wasn't a clear yes on that. Of course, he would be willing to hang out and likes the "cuddling" (why do guys call it this? It's basically code for fooling around), but I'm not down with that and said as much. This all came up because as we spend more time together, attachments are naturally starting to happen and it was feeling more "serious."
I think he does have commitment issues based on past stuff, but I think a piece of it is definitely what happened around me getting "triggered" or emotional and wanting to process at times. He's just not down with that. I definitely need someone who is down with that. And who shares there own feelings, too. Not in a critical or disrespectful way, but with some consciousness and taking responsibility for our own "stuff." Anyway, I'm sad. Even though I see the logic in it, I'm sad. Because I was attracted to him, and we had a lot of playful fun when we were together. And the dancing, don't get me started on the dancing. It was so incredibly awesome. But you can't build a relationship on dancing, right? So, yeah, no way around it, I'm sad and I'm going to miss him. :(
I don't think it was promoted well - I saw the poster on the outside and it was handwritten and not very clear. There was a typed one inside but for some reason there were no pictures, when all the other promotional speaker posters had nice pictures. Maybe that's something I'm supposed to do myself, but I don't think so because the guy who made the posters said something about the owner saying not to put a picture on it because she wanted the title bigger or something (?). Anyway, it was very blase looking compared to the others.
But one of my main questions is does the word "Introvert" speak to people? Will you give me feedback on that for yourselves? In my workshop context, it's taken from the MBTI personality assessment definition of introvert, and that's what the book is referring to, as well. Introversion and the needs of introverts can be undervalued and sometimes we need to advocate for and take care of ourselves around work. Also, needing to choose careers that don't completely wipe us out and to network, if we are job searching, in a way that works for us - focusing on finding like-minded people or quality connections versus a fist full of business cards. So that's a taste of what I was going to talk about and since something like 35-40% of all people are introverts, I know there are plenty of people who could benefit. But I need to find the language that speaks to their problems and concerns. Is it exhaustion and overwhelm? Do I need to say, "people who are more reflective and deep thinking/analytical and need time alone to recharge" or "more low-key, reflective, quiet types" instead of introvert? I would love to work with this niche, so any thoughts and feedback welcome.
A couple good things did come out of the experience. One woman came to the bookstore who didn't know about the workshop so had other plans, but she said she definitely was interested. We had a nice conversation, and she took my card and said she would like to talk about individual career counseling. I hope she follows up! Also, just connecting to the space and the staff at the bookstore was good. I have another workshop coming up on the 27th that will be more general career exploration, "do what you love" kind of focus, so it was good to talk about promoting that and realizing I need to get them some copy about it, as well. I mentioned needing a way for them to sign up for it online, and it sounds like that might be possible. This all feels like a big experimentation/learning process!
Yesterday was a rough day, too, because I had a conversation with C, and he basically said he is afraid of another break up and doesn't want to go through that again. He said he is clear that he's basically not going to be ready for a relationship for a while and needs time on his own - like to go away on a solo vacation and figure some things out. I asked if it was that he saw things with us that would not work in the long run, and we would end up breaking up and he said sort of - he wasn't a clear yes on that. Of course, he would be willing to hang out and likes the "cuddling" (why do guys call it this? It's basically code for fooling around), but I'm not down with that and said as much. This all came up because as we spend more time together, attachments are naturally starting to happen and it was feeling more "serious."
I think he does have commitment issues based on past stuff, but I think a piece of it is definitely what happened around me getting "triggered" or emotional and wanting to process at times. He's just not down with that. I definitely need someone who is down with that. And who shares there own feelings, too. Not in a critical or disrespectful way, but with some consciousness and taking responsibility for our own "stuff." Anyway, I'm sad. Even though I see the logic in it, I'm sad. Because I was attracted to him, and we had a lot of playful fun when we were together. And the dancing, don't get me started on the dancing. It was so incredibly awesome. But you can't build a relationship on dancing, right? So, yeah, no way around it, I'm sad and I'm going to miss him. :(
5/30/2015
Ongoing Trials and Transitions
Just riding along on this freaky transition train, holding on as best I can! I met with the owner of the co-housing home again a couple days ago to introduce her to Zoey. Everything went fine on that front. Then, we talked for a while and she explained why she was kind of ungrounded when talking about it before. Basically, her partner has a great job and loves living in Canada, and they have a great house up there, but she has reservations and for understandable reasons is still attached to this area. One of her two sons works in SF and the other, as mentioned, will be attending UC Davis in the fall. As if that wasn't enough, her mother is also living in an independent living facility in a town not far from the cohousing community (but she's not totally independent and needs some regular help).
She is under a lot of pressure with this whole medical situation, too, and the timeline of the surgery, etc. In our last contact, she said she has a doctor's appointment on June 2nd which may give her a better idea of her immediate future in the Bay Area and asked if she could talk to me after that. I said okay. For my part, I got clear in talking to friends that I would like to have the opportunity to housesit for two months, regardless if we went forward with the housesharing step after a month or so. That would at least give some stability and time to connect with the community to see if I might find other opportunities there. Or alternatively find another place. So, it's a waiting game until after the 2nd.
Meanwhile I continue to look and follow up on other places, like the Albany house. No word on that yet, either. I connected with a lovely single mom who has a 17-month-old little boy. But her budget is pretty modest and there are a lot of unknowns with that scenario: how will we get along in terms of lifestyle? Can we even find a place in that rent range (I can pay 300 or 400 more, which makes sense considering one extra room would eventually be my kid's but still doesn't give us much to work with)? How will her little boy do with Zoey? etc. But I think we will still meet up later this week, as we had a really nice first phone call.
I'm feeling worried because I am now officially over the one-month mark negotiated with my friend (unless there was a set date to move into a new place sometime in June), so I guess I need to bring that up with her. Some good news from one of the credit agencies that one item has already been removed from my report. Yay! I don't know which one but each one matters in the score. They have until about June 21st to complete their investigation though.
I also am ready to share that I am pissed off at the guy I was dating. We did talk Tuesday and Thursday but haven't heard a word from him yesterday or today. On Thursday I asked him to go to dinner with me (using this Amazon deal I have that I had mentioned to him before), and he immediately started scrambling and saying something to the effect that he didn't know about this weekend or he is busy this weekend or something. Yuck. Not the response you would like to hear when putting yourself out there and making a romantic gesture.
We have had ups and downs the last couple weeks, basically around me wanting more reassurance and communication from him - to know what's going on with him. He's not very communicative emotionally and definitely lives on the side of the less words needed to communicate something the better. When we are in person, as mentioned, I have felt a lot of attention from him, chemistry, connection, ease of communication overall. I know his job is super demanding and time consuming, but I don't think that prevents him from communicating here or there if he were truly interested, does it?
I think he has doubts and maybe has decided he doesn't want things to go forward based on a conversation we had, after spending some intimate time together, in which he was kind of distant and matter of fact, which triggered me, and I pushed for connection and to have the chance to ask what was on my mind. It did not go well.
So then it was touch and go, with conversations about compatibility and me wanting to "process" more than he does... then we got together last Monday and, as it always does when we're together, it felt fun and just flowed well, so we decided to keep seeing each other but take a step back and not be as intense physically. He said he wasn't ready to "dive into" something at this point. I asked him if he saw that potential with us, though, and he said yes and said a couple other nice things about having a family. I wish you guys could be a fly on the wall when we are dancing or just hanging out together because to me it shows a lot of chemistry and that we like each other. But maybe he is scared and that outweighs all that.
So, yeah, I'm sad and hurt and confused, even though I have guesses as to what's going on. I know two days isn't theoretically all that long to not hear from him, but I also wrote him an email about a dance class, so those two things are just sort of hanging out there and it doesn't feel good. Thanks for listening, and I'm open to feedback.
She is under a lot of pressure with this whole medical situation, too, and the timeline of the surgery, etc. In our last contact, she said she has a doctor's appointment on June 2nd which may give her a better idea of her immediate future in the Bay Area and asked if she could talk to me after that. I said okay. For my part, I got clear in talking to friends that I would like to have the opportunity to housesit for two months, regardless if we went forward with the housesharing step after a month or so. That would at least give some stability and time to connect with the community to see if I might find other opportunities there. Or alternatively find another place. So, it's a waiting game until after the 2nd.
Meanwhile I continue to look and follow up on other places, like the Albany house. No word on that yet, either. I connected with a lovely single mom who has a 17-month-old little boy. But her budget is pretty modest and there are a lot of unknowns with that scenario: how will we get along in terms of lifestyle? Can we even find a place in that rent range (I can pay 300 or 400 more, which makes sense considering one extra room would eventually be my kid's but still doesn't give us much to work with)? How will her little boy do with Zoey? etc. But I think we will still meet up later this week, as we had a really nice first phone call.
I'm feeling worried because I am now officially over the one-month mark negotiated with my friend (unless there was a set date to move into a new place sometime in June), so I guess I need to bring that up with her. Some good news from one of the credit agencies that one item has already been removed from my report. Yay! I don't know which one but each one matters in the score. They have until about June 21st to complete their investigation though.
I also am ready to share that I am pissed off at the guy I was dating. We did talk Tuesday and Thursday but haven't heard a word from him yesterday or today. On Thursday I asked him to go to dinner with me (using this Amazon deal I have that I had mentioned to him before), and he immediately started scrambling and saying something to the effect that he didn't know about this weekend or he is busy this weekend or something. Yuck. Not the response you would like to hear when putting yourself out there and making a romantic gesture.
We have had ups and downs the last couple weeks, basically around me wanting more reassurance and communication from him - to know what's going on with him. He's not very communicative emotionally and definitely lives on the side of the less words needed to communicate something the better. When we are in person, as mentioned, I have felt a lot of attention from him, chemistry, connection, ease of communication overall. I know his job is super demanding and time consuming, but I don't think that prevents him from communicating here or there if he were truly interested, does it?
I think he has doubts and maybe has decided he doesn't want things to go forward based on a conversation we had, after spending some intimate time together, in which he was kind of distant and matter of fact, which triggered me, and I pushed for connection and to have the chance to ask what was on my mind. It did not go well.
So then it was touch and go, with conversations about compatibility and me wanting to "process" more than he does... then we got together last Monday and, as it always does when we're together, it felt fun and just flowed well, so we decided to keep seeing each other but take a step back and not be as intense physically. He said he wasn't ready to "dive into" something at this point. I asked him if he saw that potential with us, though, and he said yes and said a couple other nice things about having a family. I wish you guys could be a fly on the wall when we are dancing or just hanging out together because to me it shows a lot of chemistry and that we like each other. But maybe he is scared and that outweighs all that.
So, yeah, I'm sad and hurt and confused, even though I have guesses as to what's going on. I know two days isn't theoretically all that long to not hear from him, but I also wrote him an email about a dance class, so those two things are just sort of hanging out there and it doesn't feel good. Thanks for listening, and I'm open to feedback.
5/18/2015
As the Dating World Turns
OMG, dating can be such a soap opera, or is it just me? So, we went out again last night and, after having SO much fun dancing again, we went out for drinks/dinner and had more good conversation.
I was able to talk to him about my feelings without blaming him. I basically said that, though we hadn't been dating long and were still getting to know each other, we also had shared some intimate moments and that, while the current situation of texting during the week seemed to be working for him, it wasn't really working for me. That I felt some anxiety that not everyone would feel, but it would be really helpful to have a couple phone calls during the week or a longer email to connect with each other.
He was open and amenable and heard me and also explained how the last couple weeks are not typical in that this campaign he has been working on has huge repercussions for labor rights and that the other candidate is funded with big money from the Koch brothers (if you are familiar with these scoundrels). Also, I did not know he is actually the President of the rapid transit union. Lastly, he said he, in fact, texted a couple of times wanting to spontaneously meet up but I had my adoption class - this is typical guy thing of not letting me know what he was thinking, but I was glad to find out!
Thus, we came to understand each others' perspectives, and I feel confident we will be moving forward into more commitment and time together. We continue to have very good and growing chemistry, which feels exciting and fun - and a relief to not be talking myself into a less-than-adequate level of attraction.
As a side note, I have my first meetup group Wednesday for women in career transition. Please send good thoughts! I am nervous! I hope to present some helpful information and activities and sign a few women up for my 8-week paid group.
I was able to talk to him about my feelings without blaming him. I basically said that, though we hadn't been dating long and were still getting to know each other, we also had shared some intimate moments and that, while the current situation of texting during the week seemed to be working for him, it wasn't really working for me. That I felt some anxiety that not everyone would feel, but it would be really helpful to have a couple phone calls during the week or a longer email to connect with each other.
He was open and amenable and heard me and also explained how the last couple weeks are not typical in that this campaign he has been working on has huge repercussions for labor rights and that the other candidate is funded with big money from the Koch brothers (if you are familiar with these scoundrels). Also, I did not know he is actually the President of the rapid transit union. Lastly, he said he, in fact, texted a couple of times wanting to spontaneously meet up but I had my adoption class - this is typical guy thing of not letting me know what he was thinking, but I was glad to find out!
Thus, we came to understand each others' perspectives, and I feel confident we will be moving forward into more commitment and time together. We continue to have very good and growing chemistry, which feels exciting and fun - and a relief to not be talking myself into a less-than-adequate level of attraction.
As a side note, I have my first meetup group Wednesday for women in career transition. Please send good thoughts! I am nervous! I hope to present some helpful information and activities and sign a few women up for my 8-week paid group.
3/01/2015
The Tale of Two Men...
Well, maybe not a complete tale, but the start of one...
First of all, I want to thank those of you that responded to my last post about my mom; it really meant a lot to me. Thanks for continuing to hold her and my family in your thoughts and prayers.
Onward with the tale...
I think I have had a couple more dates with SB since the last time I posted. We went to brunch and a book art exhibit, which was pretty fun. My type of day! Of course, I love brunch! And art seems to be a great bonding activity for SB and I. Then, before I left to Oregon, he came to my theater group, which was having a newbie night. It was just okay (continuing our up and down theme). I know I was tired - I think both of us were - and one exercise he and I did together during the class was actually disconnecting. I shared something about myself in an exercise and his response was sort of flippant, I think. I had already been judging him physically, especially in comparison to my beefy landlord/housemate, J, who leads the class. Afterwards, we went out for a glass of wine and loosened up a little but it wasn't a great night overall.
Then I went to Oregon, then I had my weekend workshop, so it was kind of non-stop busy. We reconnected Friday on the phone as he headed out of town to visit his daughter in Santa Barbara and made plans to get together tomorrow night. But we had another emotional disconnect on the phone when I shared a vulnerable exercise from my weekend workshop and he started relating it to a story about Mitt Romney. WTF! Ridiculous.
But. We talked through it and I was very direct in saying I need empathy. I need to be able to share emotional things and feel like he is "with" me, cares, and is at least trying to understand. He said that everyone wants that, which is probably true, and nice of him to say. He said he sees that he has a pattern of disconnecting at these times and that it is something he wants to change. Something about fear of disappointment or not being able to handle it or something. Anyway, we came up with a "safe word" (kinda funny) where I will say, "Stay with me now," when he does this and he will try to stay connected, hopefully without getting triggered into his fear of disappointing me. Good to have a game plan anyway, and we will see how it goes.
I have said several times that maybe he needs to be with someone who is more cerebral and less sensitive, but he doesn't seem to want that? Underneath, I am also thinking that maybe I need to be with someone who is more feeling-oriented and sensitive, but I do like a lot of things about our connection, not the least of which that I generally feel comfortable and like I can be myself with him.
The other guy in the picture, C, is the guy I went to the live music and dancing event with three weeks ago. It was a great night! He hasn't had a lot of dance lessons, but he has good natural ability and was playful and fun to dance with. He is cute and has an athletic build I find sexy. I would say, though, that he's kind of inward-focused and quirky... definitely smart - he's pursuing his PhD in public policy and working as a public transportation union leader - but the emotional intimacy piece I'm not sure about. It's too soon to tell. We had a nice physical connection and the hugging at the end felt great, but the kissing was, well, not so great. It was a little weird, like his technique is off or he was holding back.
He suggested three last minute dates over the last three weeks, all of which I declined and said I was unavailable. Not loving the last minute invitations, and my brother and I agreed that it likely indicates ambivalence. Yesterday, when he made his third last minute proposal, and we had a couple rounds of lackluster emails, I said in my direct way that it seemed like he was less than excited to see me again, and was this true? He said no, definitely not, that he has some reservations about dating in general, but that after seeing me before, he was "charged" for several days. Hmm, interesting. So, we have plans now for wine this Thursday and possibly the next one, as well, for swing dancing. I hope to learn more about his dating reservations and see if we have enough connection to continue getting to know each other.
Curious what your feelings are about both situations, when you hear about them? Any questions you have about either situation? Obviously I know SB a lot better at this point and am seeing patterns emerge. I like him a lot but also have doubts. C is still, to a large extent, an unknown quantity. Physically, I find him very appealing, and I know he can match me intellectually but am not sure about other levels. That brings us to the end of this chapter in the Tale of Two Men. :)
As a last bombshell to throw in here, my housemate told me on Friday that he will definitely be selling the house this summer and would like me to move out in two months. Ohhhkay. I admit this was not as shocking as it would have been had we - he, I, and his partner - not had a conversation a few weeks ago about money in which it was clear they felt I had been paying far under the market rate, and that he was looking to make more money and at least break even on the mortgage and expenses, etc. (at the time the options we were discussing is me moving into the other bedroom and paying a bit more rent and getting a new roommate as soon as possible). Of course, I understand that, it's just strange when we agreed on the rent amount and he seemed good with it - and planned to share the house with me - and then everything changed and it seems he now feels he did me a huge favor and is not happy with the amount. He feels part of the favor is "letting" me live here by myself, but that was never my choice, so it's hard for me to see that as a favor.
I think a lot of the "shifting sands" feeling I have is because he is in a huge time of change himself, and is also needing to now make decisions with his new partner. So, he really HAS changed his tune over the time I've been living here. Hard to believe it has been five months already. I feel a little sick thinking of moving again, but somehow I'm not freaking out and actually feel it could be "meant to be," as this is not a good house for a small child. I'm trying to roll with it and just keep making big efforts with my business. These efforts are starting to take hold! No new clients yet, but am getting the word out there and generating lots of possibilities. Please think good thoughts for me, as this business taking off is going to be a huge piece of making this transition work.
First of all, I want to thank those of you that responded to my last post about my mom; it really meant a lot to me. Thanks for continuing to hold her and my family in your thoughts and prayers.
Onward with the tale...
 |
| This seemed an appropriate picture somehow... |
I think I have had a couple more dates with SB since the last time I posted. We went to brunch and a book art exhibit, which was pretty fun. My type of day! Of course, I love brunch! And art seems to be a great bonding activity for SB and I. Then, before I left to Oregon, he came to my theater group, which was having a newbie night. It was just okay (continuing our up and down theme). I know I was tired - I think both of us were - and one exercise he and I did together during the class was actually disconnecting. I shared something about myself in an exercise and his response was sort of flippant, I think. I had already been judging him physically, especially in comparison to my beefy landlord/housemate, J, who leads the class. Afterwards, we went out for a glass of wine and loosened up a little but it wasn't a great night overall.
Then I went to Oregon, then I had my weekend workshop, so it was kind of non-stop busy. We reconnected Friday on the phone as he headed out of town to visit his daughter in Santa Barbara and made plans to get together tomorrow night. But we had another emotional disconnect on the phone when I shared a vulnerable exercise from my weekend workshop and he started relating it to a story about Mitt Romney. WTF! Ridiculous.
But. We talked through it and I was very direct in saying I need empathy. I need to be able to share emotional things and feel like he is "with" me, cares, and is at least trying to understand. He said that everyone wants that, which is probably true, and nice of him to say. He said he sees that he has a pattern of disconnecting at these times and that it is something he wants to change. Something about fear of disappointment or not being able to handle it or something. Anyway, we came up with a "safe word" (kinda funny) where I will say, "Stay with me now," when he does this and he will try to stay connected, hopefully without getting triggered into his fear of disappointing me. Good to have a game plan anyway, and we will see how it goes.
I have said several times that maybe he needs to be with someone who is more cerebral and less sensitive, but he doesn't seem to want that? Underneath, I am also thinking that maybe I need to be with someone who is more feeling-oriented and sensitive, but I do like a lot of things about our connection, not the least of which that I generally feel comfortable and like I can be myself with him.
The other guy in the picture, C, is the guy I went to the live music and dancing event with three weeks ago. It was a great night! He hasn't had a lot of dance lessons, but he has good natural ability and was playful and fun to dance with. He is cute and has an athletic build I find sexy. I would say, though, that he's kind of inward-focused and quirky... definitely smart - he's pursuing his PhD in public policy and working as a public transportation union leader - but the emotional intimacy piece I'm not sure about. It's too soon to tell. We had a nice physical connection and the hugging at the end felt great, but the kissing was, well, not so great. It was a little weird, like his technique is off or he was holding back.
He suggested three last minute dates over the last three weeks, all of which I declined and said I was unavailable. Not loving the last minute invitations, and my brother and I agreed that it likely indicates ambivalence. Yesterday, when he made his third last minute proposal, and we had a couple rounds of lackluster emails, I said in my direct way that it seemed like he was less than excited to see me again, and was this true? He said no, definitely not, that he has some reservations about dating in general, but that after seeing me before, he was "charged" for several days. Hmm, interesting. So, we have plans now for wine this Thursday and possibly the next one, as well, for swing dancing. I hope to learn more about his dating reservations and see if we have enough connection to continue getting to know each other.
Curious what your feelings are about both situations, when you hear about them? Any questions you have about either situation? Obviously I know SB a lot better at this point and am seeing patterns emerge. I like him a lot but also have doubts. C is still, to a large extent, an unknown quantity. Physically, I find him very appealing, and I know he can match me intellectually but am not sure about other levels. That brings us to the end of this chapter in the Tale of Two Men. :)
As a last bombshell to throw in here, my housemate told me on Friday that he will definitely be selling the house this summer and would like me to move out in two months. Ohhhkay. I admit this was not as shocking as it would have been had we - he, I, and his partner - not had a conversation a few weeks ago about money in which it was clear they felt I had been paying far under the market rate, and that he was looking to make more money and at least break even on the mortgage and expenses, etc. (at the time the options we were discussing is me moving into the other bedroom and paying a bit more rent and getting a new roommate as soon as possible). Of course, I understand that, it's just strange when we agreed on the rent amount and he seemed good with it - and planned to share the house with me - and then everything changed and it seems he now feels he did me a huge favor and is not happy with the amount. He feels part of the favor is "letting" me live here by myself, but that was never my choice, so it's hard for me to see that as a favor.
I think a lot of the "shifting sands" feeling I have is because he is in a huge time of change himself, and is also needing to now make decisions with his new partner. So, he really HAS changed his tune over the time I've been living here. Hard to believe it has been five months already. I feel a little sick thinking of moving again, but somehow I'm not freaking out and actually feel it could be "meant to be," as this is not a good house for a small child. I'm trying to roll with it and just keep making big efforts with my business. These efforts are starting to take hold! No new clients yet, but am getting the word out there and generating lots of possibilities. Please think good thoughts for me, as this business taking off is going to be a huge piece of making this transition work.
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