As the Dating World Turns

OMG, dating can be such a soap opera, or is it just me?  So, we went out again last night and, after having SO much fun dancing again, we went out for drinks/dinner and had more good conversation. 

I was able to talk to him about my feelings without blaming him.  I basically said that, though we hadn't been dating long and were still getting to know each other, we also had shared some intimate moments and that, while the current situation of texting during the week seemed to be working for him, it wasn't really working for me.  That I felt some anxiety that not everyone would feel, but it would be really helpful to have a couple phone calls during the week or a longer email to connect with each other. 

He was open and amenable and heard me and also explained how the last couple weeks are not typical in that this campaign he has been working on has huge repercussions for labor rights and that the other candidate is funded with big money from the Koch brothers (if you are familiar with these scoundrels).  Also, I did not know he is actually the President of the rapid transit union.  Lastly, he said he, in fact, texted a couple of times wanting to spontaneously meet up but I had my adoption class - this is typical guy thing of not letting me know what he was thinking, but I was glad to find out! 

Thus, we came to understand each others' perspectives, and I feel confident we will be moving forward into more commitment and time together.  We continue to have very good and growing chemistry, which feels exciting and fun - and a relief to not be talking myself into a less-than-adequate level of attraction.

As a side note, I have my first meetup group Wednesday for women in career transition.  Please send good thoughts!  I am nervous!  I hope to present some helpful information and activities and sign a few women up for my 8-week paid group.

Stepping Out on Faith

So, I have a dating report... as well as a report on my hotshot "client attraction" workshop last weekend.  And a couple other tidbits of info.  Some developments require me to show faith...

Dating has been up and down.  I went out a couple more times with the guy I mentioned before.  He spontaneously came to my 'hood to watch the college National Championship game (booo Ohio State).  I was really sad when things took a turn against Oregon, but c'est la vie.  I think more emotions come up for me because of the connection with home and family.  In any case, things became awkward again.  I think he's sort of co-dependent in his response to things in that he tries to fix them right away or just tries too hard in general.  But then again maybe I am comparing him to my family culture in which my parents don't try much at all.  It brings up my anxiety and I want to tell him to just chill out.  On the other hand, I appreciate that he doesn't run away when things get awkward or tense, and the kissing continues to be good.

Last week, we met for drinks.  The bar was packed and distracting.  I found myself checking out another guy - that's not a good sign is it?  He wasn't making very good conversation, but then again, neither was I.  It's weird because we had such a good conversation the first time we went out; maybe I keep wanting to experience that again.  So, yeah, somewhat awkward and confusing again, then good kissing at the end.  This week, he seems to have taken a step back, which works to make me a bit more interested (annoying this works, but it does).  We have both genuinely been busy and were supposed to get together Monday, but I bailed because my energy was super low after the weekend workshop and I needed to catch up and recharge.  Then we were supposed to have a phone convo, and he bailed.  Last night, he asked me out for Saturday.  I guess I will go and see if fourth time is a charm?  What do you think?

I have also been interacting (sending "likes" etc.) and emailing with other guys from the online site.  There is one guy who seems very interesting who actually lives in my area.  He "liked" me and I reciprocated... I am waiting to see if he sends a message.  If I don't hear from him in a couple days, I might extend the first message.  I don't have rules about that kind of thing.  From what I have heard, I think here in the Bay Area, it is very common for women to initiate contact.  So, I'll keep you posted.

The weekend workshop! was! amazing!  Presented by the "Thrive Academy," it was three full days packed with useful information and personal growth activities aimed at increasing your confidence and skills as a holistic practitioner/coach/counselor in terms of marketing yourself and attracting clients.  Friday night, I had this big breakthrough in this exercise where you hold your chair up (it symbolizes the weight of your fears and barriers) and do this visualization imagining yourself going along as you have for the rest of your life and basically not breaking out of your self-imposed cage to experience freedom and your full potential.  Part of it was calling in your "power animal" which is not new to me, as I have been part of women's groups with a Native American focus, and have had many dreams, as well, in which mountain lions (and other powerful) cats have come to me.  So in the visualization, when he asked us to call in our power animal, the mountain lion was right there for me and it was so powerful to break out of the cage and limiting beliefs, which were tied to family and self worth.

I admit that exercise and others, as well as connecting with a few awesome people - part of the "magic" of the program is mutual support and community - and hearing about the proven results, combined to hook me.  I signed up for their year-long client attraction mastery program!  I can attend four weekend intensives this year, should I choose.  I am definitely attending in February and March.  It's nice because they are just during the day, then I can come home and recharge and care for Zoey at night.  I have already started working the steps of the program and have set up my first coaching call.  I intend to attract several new clients by the end of February, which will allow me to continue working part-time at the college AND earning a higher-level income to experience more abundance and choice - including foster/adopt and a larger living space (either through renting this entire two-bedroom house or moving).  I am both scared and very excited.  Please send me good thoughts!

Speaking of the foster/adopt program, after the packet got lost over Christmas, I finally received it a week ago and spoke with someone on the phone this week.  I plan to attend the orientation in February and likely begin the four-Saturday Pride training in April, after my two client attraction workshops in February/March.  I think I mentioned that I completed a similar training when I lived in San Luis Obis.po, but that was several years ago (they require more current attendance).  An April training schedule will give me time to increase my work with clients and prepare.  The good news is that I could foster a child under two-years old with only one bedroom.  But it's a bit risky because if they turn three during the placement, I would have to move immediately.  I really would prefer to foster/adopt an infant, though, so maybe it is "meant to be" to begin this way.

That's all the news for now.  Hope your year is starting with many blessings.

Prayers welcome

I would welcome any prayers or good thoughts at this really difficult time with S and I.  We had a blow up based on a situation that happened at my conference this week.  I chose to take a group hot tub with some colleagues (two men and three women, including me) and S felt I was insensitive in how I communicated around it.  He is packaging it with other recent experience and coming to the conclusion that I don't care for him enough, or in the ways that he needs.  From my perspective, he sees things through a lens of fear and goes right to anger instead of trying to share his feelings more openly with me.  I admit I have a low tolerance right now for this pattern, after having experienced it for a long time now.  I'm ready for more stability and consistent closeness.  Does that even exist?  We're taking a week to reflect and regroup.  I want to use this time to go inward and get more clear about my own feelings and level of commitment.  It is a very hard time for us.

Dreaming of Elephants

I had a dream last night that was so strange and yet so in line with the struggles in my psyche right now!  There was literally an "elephant in the room"!  I'll try and remember what I can and put it in context...

First, some background leading up to this dream:

I've been progressing with S.  We had a lovely Christmas Eve and Christmas day together.  He fit in well at my friend E's house, and we enjoyed our time at my brother-in-laws family home: we had a "dance party," with iTunes open and the kids picking songs; we sipped top-notch wine (bro-in-law's dad is very knowledgeable about wines) and had a civil dialogue about the Occupation movement and property destruction and human rights, which says a lot, considering our different political viewpoints; and I had a lovely time coloring with my niece - a bonding activity with her I've come to treasure.

It was a "big deal" that S had a positive experience with (part of) my family, since we are still recovering (in terms of family connections) from the memorably bad trip to Oregon in October 2011.

The morning of the 26th, S took off to spend time with his dad's side of the family and his young adult daughter, before she likely moves to D.C. for political work.  I understood why I was not invited, as he is still repairing and building his relationship with his daughter after a difficult divorce and separation from her during her latter teen years.  He wanted some focused dad time with her before she leaves.  I'm really happy for them and so enjoyed finally meeting and spending time with her at the 49ers game we attended a few weeks ago.

Anyway, prior to him taking off, he brought up the possibility of moving into my house!  The house where he's been living has become less desirable for various reasons.  We both acknowledged it might be a tad premature, all things considered, but could be wonderful too.  There is a studio room out back, separate from the main house, that would be good place for him to work and spend time, as well as allow us both our space.

All this to say, we've had a lot of good time together and our commitment to one another is rapidly growing.  Part of this growth, by the way, includes a decision to make a few last active attempts at pregnancy, starting with an appointment with a new doc on January 7th.  I will share more about this in another post.

But back to the dream... not unsurprisingly, as we become more committed, my intimacy fears become more activated.  My mind wants to fixate at times on the ways he is not perfect - primarily the ways he is not physically perfect - for me.  We have a lot of attraction for each other and - sorry for TMI - have regular, "hot" (at least the way I define "hot" :) sex.  And.  He is not "perfect."  I have been in relationships where I have had more pure, physical chemistry with someone.  For example, my old flame, R, who I shared about last year.  R was wrong for me on every other level, including being a raving alcoholic, and only became a worse match over time.  But we still had that strong, basic physical chemistry.  Thus leading to last night's dream (please excuse the "dream-like" vagueness):

It started with R and I in a school or place where we worked and leaving to meet up together.  I had awareness that he was still married and was feeling great attraction and compulsion to be with him.  Then we were together, and I remember a sense of not having anything deep to say to one another.  

The next scene, we're in his house and S is there.  I'm with S, and I'm touching his back and he has some sort of contraption on like a spanx thing or something (I know this is super weird!).  I touch the edge, and he acknowledges he has it on with a nod (I think that's acknowledging something about age or not having physical perfection.  Both S and I could afford to lose a few pounds).  R was siting across from us and it felt awkward.  I pulled R out to talk with him and try to smooth things over.  I told S that we'd be back in a few minutes, which was an important component to S feeling okay about it.

Then the scene seems to switch and R is gone, and there is a huge elephant coming up the stairs and into the room.  I run out the back door onto the roof or patio and try to block the door, but I know it's a feeble attempt and the elephant will be able to break through.  

I start looking for a way down off the roof and see that it's a loooong way down, but I know I've climbed down before and can do it.  So I'm trying to get the nerve and find the right spot to climb over the railing and work my way down the ladder trellis on the side of the building.  At this point, a couple people from the soap opera Days of Our Lives are there (one was Bo! and another female) and strategizing with me.  That's all I remember...

Crazy, right?  When I woke up, I had an insight that part of my fear is closing the door on the opportunity for "perfect" physical chemistry with someone.  I'm a bit embarrassed to admit I also thought about possibilities of us eventually having some "non-traditional" relationship, where another person might join us in commitment.  I've actually known other families with this structure, so it's not completely made up for me.  I doubt I would ever be comfortable with this, or that S would.  I know I would never be comfortable with an "open" relationship or with "polyamory," where each of us have relationships separate from our commitment/marriage.  But the idea of bringing another person into a commitment with us feels different.

I'm sure some of you are thinking I've gone off the deep end at this point!  Again, I likely would never do this, but I think considering and talking about it with S may be part of the journey of going over the line into acceptance and full commitment with him.

Have you heard of or known people who had alternative families like this?  Or, on another note, any comments on my dream?

If I don't write before then (S and I are going to San Diego over New Year's to visit his brother's family), I hope all of you have a Very Happy New Year!  And may you receive multitudinous blessings of your heart's desires and more in the coming year!!!