NaBloPoMo 2016: How do I make a bad day better?

I have a lot going on in my life right now, so I thought it would be good timing to take on the NaBloPoMo challenge. Anyone want to join me? Hop on the band wagon and register by November 5th.

I'm thinking some days I will use the writing prompts and other days not... today's is: "When you're having a bad day with your mental health, what do you do to help yourself?"

Today is actually a great example... I'm a Career Counselor, and one of my new clients flipped out on me this afternoon on the phone and really shook me up. I was already feeling anxious and concerned about this client because they had been very closed up and critical in their first session, not giving me much to work with. Then they wrote an email saying they wanted to cancel their session this week and wanted flexibility in scheduling the timing of their sessions going forward.

This isn't my policy and doesn't work for me. I don't think I'm unreasonable. Sessions are scheduled twice a month, and I give an extra month cushion to complete them. I find this beneficial for the client in terms of commitment, continuity, and momentum, and for myself in terms of more predictable business planning and because I offer email coaching, resources, and document review between sessions - a lot of extra time if they just wanted to meet every few weeks. Maybe, to be more clear, I should sell two, three, or four-month counseling packages, versus four, six, and eight-session packages? I have colleagues that do this and am considering it, especially after this experience.

In any case, in explaining these reasons for not just having complete openness and flexibility in when we meet, when I mentioned my own needs being a factor, as well, they flipped into rage on a dime and yelled, "Oh, come ON! That is reDICulous!" I asked them to speak in a calm voice and they kept yelling angrily. Long story short, we got off the phone after I agreed with them that we are likely not a good fit to work together (I do not want to work with them after this experience) and with me offering to trade the last session they were owed for resume review/editing for which we do not have to speak, and asking them to let me know in the next couple of days.

When I got off the phone, my heart was racing, and I felt afraid and kind of sick. It was so out of blue, and I have never experienced this type of intense reaction from a client (at least an adult client). I felt I needed some emotional support, so I went through the options in my head... my siblings were at work and likely not available, my housemate wasn't home, I could have called a couple of friends but hadn't talked to them in a little while so calling for support would feel a bit abrupt. Then, I thought of sharing my feelings and experience with my online FB group, made up of other women bloggers I've known for quite a few years. We were all ttc'ing together and they all have kids now. I hope to join them soon.

My experience of the group is that people are quite responsive. Many of us don't work typical 9-5 schedules and usually at least a few folks are online. Sure enough, within a few minutes, I received a few sympathetic and understanding responses, which felt great, as well as advice. Everyone felt I should just refund them the money for the last session and be done with them. I guess they are probably right, though it doesn't fit my policy and I don't think they "deserve" it. But maybe it's best to cut my losses and move on.

So, that's the way I handled my "bad day with my mental health" today; with help from online friends. On other days, I admit I might lose myself in television or eat some comfort food, but today I had to go meet with another client not long afterwards. Other days, I go work out or play with the dog. Blogging is also actually one of my primary ways of working through difficult emotions and challenges. It's helpful to talk it through, be witnessed, and to hear others' thoughts. I like reading these kind of personal writing/processing blogs, as well. Maybe it's the psychologist in me... and I've always been a more emotional person. I'm an INFP on the Myers-Briggs, if you're familiar with it? NFs tend to be more relationship and feeling-oriented.

Thanks for coming along with me this month! See you tomorrow...

Bad Attitude

Bad Attitude.  That's me right now.  Santa might be skipping my house if this keeps up...

I have my monthly leadership training time this weekend (Saturday morning through Sunday evening).  I'm not looking forward to it, for some reason, though I am pretty sure it will feel good once I get there.  I just feel kind of sad right now, likely due to my break-up, and it feels vulnerable to be in a group of 25-30 people when you feel that way, at least it feels that way to me.  A lovely woman from the group who I've Skyped with a couple of times since our last gathering pointed out that there will be a lot of support from the group available.  That's a good way to look at it, but somehow it's not helping right now. 

Also, I just found out this morning that the administrators at my college are offering considerably less hours to us next semester as CTE counselors.  This is not what was originally communicated.  We were told there would be assignments that we would bid on and that we may not end up with the ones we have now.  We were NOT told there would be a lot less cumulative hours to choose from. 

We have known for a while that under the current administration (our Dean retired over the summer), we were less valued on the campus.  A lot of innuendo and rumors have been flying around.  But, again, it was more about changes, not being cut to just a few hours a week or possibly none at all!  I am both angry and scared at the same time. 

I know there is one full-time counseling position soon to be announced in general counseling, which I will apply for, but I'm imagining there are a lot of people who will apply for that.  I have a good relationship with other general counselors but not a close relationship. 

Part of the problem is that we were located in a completely different part of campus than the rest of counseling and student services.  It was near the Workforce Development office but it kept us somewhat isolated - a definite disadvantage now.  I want to call up our Vice President (she's been our interim supervisor) and grill her about all this, but I don't want to shoot myself in the foot regarding possible opportunities.  Oy.

Finally, it is FREEZING, as I know it is times ten in many parts of the country that have it worse than we do.  Camping outdoors, especially considering I hate camping to begin with, sounds simply awful.

Oh Lord, I need an attitude adjustment.  Thanks for listening.

Dreaming of Elephants

I had a dream last night that was so strange and yet so in line with the struggles in my psyche right now!  There was literally an "elephant in the room"!  I'll try and remember what I can and put it in context...

First, some background leading up to this dream:

I've been progressing with S.  We had a lovely Christmas Eve and Christmas day together.  He fit in well at my friend E's house, and we enjoyed our time at my brother-in-laws family home: we had a "dance party," with iTunes open and the kids picking songs; we sipped top-notch wine (bro-in-law's dad is very knowledgeable about wines) and had a civil dialogue about the Occupation movement and property destruction and human rights, which says a lot, considering our different political viewpoints; and I had a lovely time coloring with my niece - a bonding activity with her I've come to treasure.

It was a "big deal" that S had a positive experience with (part of) my family, since we are still recovering (in terms of family connections) from the memorably bad trip to Oregon in October 2011.

The morning of the 26th, S took off to spend time with his dad's side of the family and his young adult daughter, before she likely moves to D.C. for political work.  I understood why I was not invited, as he is still repairing and building his relationship with his daughter after a difficult divorce and separation from her during her latter teen years.  He wanted some focused dad time with her before she leaves.  I'm really happy for them and so enjoyed finally meeting and spending time with her at the 49ers game we attended a few weeks ago.

Anyway, prior to him taking off, he brought up the possibility of moving into my house!  The house where he's been living has become less desirable for various reasons.  We both acknowledged it might be a tad premature, all things considered, but could be wonderful too.  There is a studio room out back, separate from the main house, that would be good place for him to work and spend time, as well as allow us both our space.

All this to say, we've had a lot of good time together and our commitment to one another is rapidly growing.  Part of this growth, by the way, includes a decision to make a few last active attempts at pregnancy, starting with an appointment with a new doc on January 7th.  I will share more about this in another post.

But back to the dream... not unsurprisingly, as we become more committed, my intimacy fears become more activated.  My mind wants to fixate at times on the ways he is not perfect - primarily the ways he is not physically perfect - for me.  We have a lot of attraction for each other and - sorry for TMI - have regular, "hot" (at least the way I define "hot" :) sex.  And.  He is not "perfect."  I have been in relationships where I have had more pure, physical chemistry with someone.  For example, my old flame, R, who I shared about last year.  R was wrong for me on every other level, including being a raving alcoholic, and only became a worse match over time.  But we still had that strong, basic physical chemistry.  Thus leading to last night's dream (please excuse the "dream-like" vagueness):

It started with R and I in a school or place where we worked and leaving to meet up together.  I had awareness that he was still married and was feeling great attraction and compulsion to be with him.  Then we were together, and I remember a sense of not having anything deep to say to one another.  

The next scene, we're in his house and S is there.  I'm with S, and I'm touching his back and he has some sort of contraption on like a spanx thing or something (I know this is super weird!).  I touch the edge, and he acknowledges he has it on with a nod (I think that's acknowledging something about age or not having physical perfection.  Both S and I could afford to lose a few pounds).  R was siting across from us and it felt awkward.  I pulled R out to talk with him and try to smooth things over.  I told S that we'd be back in a few minutes, which was an important component to S feeling okay about it.

Then the scene seems to switch and R is gone, and there is a huge elephant coming up the stairs and into the room.  I run out the back door onto the roof or patio and try to block the door, but I know it's a feeble attempt and the elephant will be able to break through.  

I start looking for a way down off the roof and see that it's a loooong way down, but I know I've climbed down before and can do it.  So I'm trying to get the nerve and find the right spot to climb over the railing and work my way down the ladder trellis on the side of the building.  At this point, a couple people from the soap opera Days of Our Lives are there (one was Bo! and another female) and strategizing with me.  That's all I remember...

Crazy, right?  When I woke up, I had an insight that part of my fear is closing the door on the opportunity for "perfect" physical chemistry with someone.  I'm a bit embarrassed to admit I also thought about possibilities of us eventually having some "non-traditional" relationship, where another person might join us in commitment.  I've actually known other families with this structure, so it's not completely made up for me.  I doubt I would ever be comfortable with this, or that S would.  I know I would never be comfortable with an "open" relationship or with "polyamory," where each of us have relationships separate from our commitment/marriage.  But the idea of bringing another person into a commitment with us feels different.

I'm sure some of you are thinking I've gone off the deep end at this point!  Again, I likely would never do this, but I think considering and talking about it with S may be part of the journey of going over the line into acceptance and full commitment with him.

Have you heard of or known people who had alternative families like this?  Or, on another note, any comments on my dream?

If I don't write before then (S and I are going to San Diego over New Year's to visit his brother's family), I hope all of you have a Very Happy New Year!  And may you receive multitudinous blessings of your heart's desires and more in the coming year!!!