The Time Rage Got the Best of Me

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone! I hope you enjoy the day whatever you're doing and whomever you are, or are not, with. Special shout out to the single ladies away from family today; may the day be fun for you in non-traditional ways!

NaBloPoMo prompt for today: Have you ever rage-quit a job?

Not exactly. Well, not in a dramatic, say something rageful and inappropriate, then storm out the door kind of way.  But I did have a rage moment a few weeks back at a meet-up group I host... As background, I didn't advertise it well or early enough, plus a few people didn't show up. Sidenote: why do we do this? because I do this too, sometimes, i.e. sign up for an event, then bail shortly before it happens. I try to remember to change my r.s.v.p. but admit I don't always do so. So frustrating for the event planner. In any case, this led to meeting with just one person that night.

As fate had it, the restaurant we normally meet in had a band playing that night, so it was loud and I had to advocate and follow-up with the manager to get a table. While I was waiting, I had a glass of wine. So, I wasn't in the best mood, and I'd been drinking. I'd like to think that's why I became emotionally reactive. It WAS annoying and tiresome, but not worth the reaction I had.

What happened? Well, the one person who came jumped right into telling me her entire career story and talked non-stop for about 15 minutes (fine and even welcomed for a counseling appointment but a free meet-up event at a restaurant, not so welcome), until I finally interjected and said I wanted to suggest an activity, as well as explain my role in leading the meet-up and get business stuff out of the way, such as a sign-up sheet and collecting a small donation to cover costs of the meet-up.

I had barely finished my sentence, when she went into a tirade about how it didn't say anything about the meet-up costing anything (I double-checked later to confirm that I did in fact mention a donation would be requested to cover costs) and that maybe she would understand it if we were meeting in a rented space, or something, but in this case she didn't understand what she's paying for, that it wasn't worth it.

At this point, to put it lightly, my temperature rose. My thoughts were that I have a graduate degree and over 12 years experience in the career counseling field, and it takes effort and time to plan and facilitate these monthly events, plus paying monthly dues. I do benefit by sometimes connecting with a new client but not always. So, the fact that she felt entitled to waltz in and get free career counseling and take advantage of meet-up benefits without contributing at all really made me mad, and at some level maybe offended me or hurt my feelings. And not only not contributing - we've all been short on money at times and I would have totally given her a pass - but she lamented that the experience was not "worth" even a few dollars.

I think part of my anger was because I've made huge strides in my business over the last year or two in valuing my time, and other coaches and professionals time, as well. I guess I do believe in that value now, which is the silver lining on this story - recognizing that I really do value my time and counseling skills and believe I should be paid fairly.

To finish the story, I said that yes, it was in the event description, then told her I actually felt offended that she said the only value was in renting a space, and not the content, time, and effort, etc. She continued to argue. I stopped her and said I did not want to argue, that I wished her lots of good luck in her career and hoped that sharing her story tonight was helpful for her, and excused myself.

In retrospect, I think I did not need to take it personally and it wasn't a huge deal in the big picture, but I'm not sorry I left versus spending another hour listening to and helping a woman who wasn't appreciative.

Returning to gratitude...I'm thankful that experience is over and I learned from it and thankful for all the good things in my life right now: my sweet dog, Zoey; my health; my great work environment and ability to contribute at the non-profit; doing interesting, fun, and meaningful work with my clients; my planned trip to Oregon to see family over Christmas; my family and nieces and nephew; and my excitement and hope for building a family in the near future. Now off to have a Thanksgiving cocktail!

Housing and Healing with update

The month-to-month house I've been living in for the last two weeks has been great in many ways - the kitchen is fantastic and Zoey loves the room and playing with me in the side yard.  My housemate was gone all last week so that was nice.  I did figure something out about her yesterday... so she's been kind of cold and seems annoyed much of the time I'm around her.  Acting put-off when I ask her something and just generally not seeming warm and conversational, like she did when I came to first check out the house.  I was feeling anxiety about this and also taking it on myself, questioning if I had done something wrong and trying to be a "perfect" housemate to make her happy.

Weeell, that is ending today.  I pay the same amount of rent as she does.  Yes, my furniture is in storage and I'm using "her stuff," but that was the agreement we made when we all talked about it and signed the lease with the landlord.  She knew I was not going to take my furniture out of storage for just a month or two.  I may go to target or even the dollar store and buy a few cups/bowls/dishes.  I think that might help some, but overall I'm not going to stress about that.

What I realized yesterday is that she does not want me living here and is not happy about it, and that's just the way it is.  She wanted to live with me IF we were both living here long-term and IF I was coming with all my stuff and furniture.  She may have preferred, in a way, to live alone, but she was prepared for that scenario.  What she did not want was what she got which was that the landlord said everything was uncertain because his wife had Parkinson's and they may move into the house in two or three months, thus everything about this situation has been tenuous.  She did not want me "camping" here basically - I think she used those words once - without my stuff and without a long-term commitment.

If it was going to be short-term, she wanted to live here by herself and work on her writing.  Well, sorry housemate, this is a two-bedroom house and the landlord is not going to choose to have it half-empty if someone is prepared to pay rent.  And if she was unwilling to have me move in without my stuff, she could have said so.  But she didn't.  And here we are, and I'm not going to feel guilty or tip-toe around her.  This is my house as much as hers right now.  I will respect her stuff and her needs for the space of course.

To throw a further twist in things, two factors have changed with regard to our situation here:  one, the landlord's wife accused him of carer abuse and he was actually arrested.  I think he's out now but I'm not sure, and I'm not sure what the "truth" of the situation is.  In any case, he is now moving in by himself to the cottage that he also owns, next door to our house.  Sooo, I guess that means potentially we could rent the house long-term now?  I don't know if I want to, now that I've seen this kind of cold, closed-off side of my housemate.  When I move in somewhere, with all my stuff, I want it to be long-term.  The second factor, though, is that she said she will likely be moving to Hawaii in a few months to a year.  At which time, maybe I could take over the house.  That is tempting and could work out great with adopting.

Which brings me to another big piece of news to report, which is that I have been emailing with my ex, S, for the purposes of healing still-existing hurt from the past.  We met yesterday and I had a HUGE grief outpouring about our Fourth of July Tahoe trip - you know the kind where the sobbing and wailing just pours out of you interspersed with words coming from your deepest feelings - and it did feel healing.  S held a container for me around that, and it was really good.

We talked about other things, as well, like the work he's done around his anger issues, which he now fully acknowledges.  He told me about that work and also shared his current awareness of the source of this anger (some of which I knew but it was more specific) from less than adequate parenting in his early childhood, as well as teen years with a jerk of a step-dad.

I can tell he is thinking about the possibility of us getting back together, but I am only thinking of healing and friendship.  I will not ever again stay in a relationship that has so much fighting and criticism without the love.  Five positives for every negative experience - that's what a relationship needs to thrive.  That's what we all need and what I intend to have.  It is interesting that he is in a temporary solo living situation for a few more weeks and needs to find a new place.  It's just weird that I need a place right now, too.  But I'm not going to let a coincidence determine my choices.  For now, I'm really happy to have released so much stored-up grief yesterday and to feel the start of forgiveness.

*Update:  My housemate and I talked yesterday and I was right about much of what I wrote above.  Also, she shared about the financial stress she is under, which is almost causing panic attacks.  Good news is that we worked out a couple compromises - I'll buy a few dishes and Zoey can stay in my room when housemate needs focused privacy.  We will see how it goes.  In other news, we had an earthquake last night, and I was awake for it!  It wasn't as scary for me as past earthquakes for some reason - felt more like rolling than jolting - but we were further from the epicenter than my ex who lives in Oakl@nd.

Bad Attitude

Bad Attitude.  That's me right now.  Santa might be skipping my house if this keeps up...

I have my monthly leadership training time this weekend (Saturday morning through Sunday evening).  I'm not looking forward to it, for some reason, though I am pretty sure it will feel good once I get there.  I just feel kind of sad right now, likely due to my break-up, and it feels vulnerable to be in a group of 25-30 people when you feel that way, at least it feels that way to me.  A lovely woman from the group who I've Skyped with a couple of times since our last gathering pointed out that there will be a lot of support from the group available.  That's a good way to look at it, but somehow it's not helping right now. 

Also, I just found out this morning that the administrators at my college are offering considerably less hours to us next semester as CTE counselors.  This is not what was originally communicated.  We were told there would be assignments that we would bid on and that we may not end up with the ones we have now.  We were NOT told there would be a lot less cumulative hours to choose from. 

We have known for a while that under the current administration (our Dean retired over the summer), we were less valued on the campus.  A lot of innuendo and rumors have been flying around.  But, again, it was more about changes, not being cut to just a few hours a week or possibly none at all!  I am both angry and scared at the same time. 

I know there is one full-time counseling position soon to be announced in general counseling, which I will apply for, but I'm imagining there are a lot of people who will apply for that.  I have a good relationship with other general counselors but not a close relationship. 

Part of the problem is that we were located in a completely different part of campus than the rest of counseling and student services.  It was near the Workforce Development office but it kept us somewhat isolated - a definite disadvantage now.  I want to call up our Vice President (she's been our interim supervisor) and grill her about all this, but I don't want to shoot myself in the foot regarding possible opportunities.  Oy.

Finally, it is FREEZING, as I know it is times ten in many parts of the country that have it worse than we do.  Camping outdoors, especially considering I hate camping to begin with, sounds simply awful.

Oh Lord, I need an attitude adjustment.  Thanks for listening.

I survived...

... my orphan Thanksgiving.  ha  It actually wasn't too bad.  A friend of a friend hosted and she was a cool person - an aspiring stand-up comedian with depth - and I enjoyed talking with her about both comedy and my theatre activities before everyone arrived.  Yes, unfortunately I was the first to arrive, but in my defense, it was a half an hour after the start time. 

In any case, when the other people did arrive, they were interesting and easy-to-talk-with... and they brought some delicious food!  I bowed out about three hours in, prior to the games portion of the evening, thinking I should get home to Zoey (but equally because my introvert was tired out).  I talked to S for quite another lengthy and productive conversation earlier in the day, on his way to his dad's, and my brother later in the afternoon.  So, all in all, it wasn't too tragic and lonely.

Today, I had a phone appointment with my counselor, then met with S for lunch.   I'm not sure what to say about everything right now... Suffice to say, we have been able to talk through things, be more open, and admit to our parts in the relationship problems more readily with a little distance, I guess. 

On my side, I am seeing more clearly a part of me that is cold and hard... it comes out when I am anxious and/or uncomfortable, which I was with S's insecurity and what I judged as "neediness" around communication and attention, for example.  I want to soften this part of me so that I can be more compassionate and available with myself and my partner. 

S really appreciated being heard around some things, including that he felt I expected a lot of one-way support when I was focused on other things, like family or work conferences etc. but then hadn't seemed willing to give "care and repair" to the relationship afterwards.  He was able to hear that my anxiety and need to prove that I am "okay" can block my ability to engage and be sensitive/caring at these times - that it wasn't about him, as he kept thinking.  This is just one example of many of these types of insights, which feel like a relief to share with one another.

Going forward, we are still broken up and will be communicating less for a while - we said we would not talk or email for the next week, then check in at that point.  He feels like he will get more traction on his anger (and underlying fear) issues working on his own, and that he needs to do this in order to be available for a healthy relationship.  As mentioned, I want to work on softening this cold part of myself that can be so judgmental and distancing. 

Heading in to the lunch today, I wanted to get a sense of whether we both had some level of hope that we might work through our thorniest problems, opening the door to be together down the line.  Somewhat surprisingly, we both said we did have this hope.  He mentioned two or three months as a possible timeline in his mind. 

While I feel happy about this, I also feel unwilling to put my life on hold during this time.  He made the choice to break up, and there are no guarantees as to what will happen.  So, I am thinking - and told him - that I am going to date or at least be open to meeting other people.  Perhaps this experience will help me feel more sure about my eventual commitment to S.  I will say that I have felt more chemistry and closeness with him, since we have been broken up, which could be just due to relief from the conflict/anger cycle and a feeling of "being on the same page"... and could also be partly due to my going off supplements, including DHEA.

So that's my complicated report.  This weekend, I don't have much planned except for dancing on Sunday.  I'm going to try and get a few things done tomorrow but will also need to get the heck out of the house for a while - maybe I'll go see a movie.  I hope you all had a happy Thanksgiving and enjoy this weekend, as well.

Halloween and Moving Forward

Thank you for your feedback and support around my and S's difficulties.  I really appreciated receiving your comments.  We have come back from the brink.  In huge news, he has recognized and admitted that he has a lot of anger from childhood (perhaps exacerbated by issues in his marriages), and it comes out in vastly disproportionate ways in our relationship.  He is working with our counselor around some acceptance and healing work, which will hopefully lead to having a healthier relationship with the anger and more skill in expressing feelings. 

On my side of the aisle, I see that I was the one that opened the door to breaking up by bringing up this possibility in the heat of some of our recent arguments.  In the moment, I felt completely overwhelmed and part of me DID want to get away from him, but in the big picture, it's not what I want.  So, I'm instituting a self-imposed moratorium on break-up language, and am also working to be more present when conflict comes up, versus deflecting it or getting defensive.  I get scared this means I'll be trampled on but am trying to remember being present doesn't mean being a doormat.  Ideally, I want to be present for both myself AND for him - trying to acknowledge his experience, while not taking in the shame part.

Enough of the super heavy and deep stuff for this post.  We had a fun Halloween evening!  I raced home from work but still missed most of the trick-or-treaters, I think.  :(  I handed out candy to a few groups, including one gaggle of teens, just as we were leaving.  For some reason, the teens were endearing to me, and I was glad to end the candy-giving time with them.  Then, we went out for Halloween drinks and had some enjoyable conversation about the deep stuff going on with him and with us.  We came back to my place afterwards and goofed around - watching TV and doing computer and household stuff in a tipsy state for a while - then had a nice sleepover.

We have a birthday party to attend tomorrow night, church Sunday morning, and hopefully continued dance lessons Sunday night.  S is somewhat reticent because he has a lot of writing work on his plate, but I really want to keep up our dance progression.  I think it adds to the fun and romance of our relationship, which is vital.

Quick ttc check-in... I'm starting to wean myself off of the DHEA/Metformin and am pretty much throwing in the towel on my own eggs.  I'm not sure the grief around this has hit me yet, but I do feel we gave it some really good tries here at the end.  Last week, I talked to someone at CA Conceptions, and that program sounds promising on the donor embryo front.  Continuing to do research.  In the meanwhile, I'm taking action to get my large fibroid (and likely the smaller one too) outside my uterus removed.  I have a consult in two or three weeks with the same surgeon I met with previously and will hopefully get the surgery before Christmas.

I'll end with pictures of Zoey in yet another Halloween costume that didn't fit!  In the second picture, you can see she has a couple white bumps on her left eyebrow.  She's had them for a few days and I'm keeping an eye on them.  If they don't improve soon, I'll take her in to the vet.  Any idea what they might be?  I'm thinking either bug bites or a reaction to a poison oak-type plant.