Dreaming of Elephants
I had a dream last night that was so strange and yet so in line with the struggles in my psyche right now! There was literally an "elephant in the room"! I'll try and remember what I can and put it in context...
First, some background leading up to this dream:
I've been progressing with S. We had a lovely Christmas Eve and Christmas day together. He fit in well at my friend E's house, and we enjoyed our time at my brother-in-laws family home: we had a "dance party," with iTunes open and the kids picking songs; we sipped top-notch wine (bro-in-law's dad is very knowledgeable about wines) and had a civil dialogue about the Occupation movement and property destruction and human rights, which says a lot, considering our different political viewpoints; and I had a lovely time coloring with my niece - a bonding activity with her I've come to treasure.
It was a "big deal" that S had a positive experience with (part of) my family, since we are still recovering (in terms of family connections) from the memorably bad trip to Oregon in October 2011.
The morning of the 26th, S took off to spend time with his dad's side of the family and his young adult daughter, before she likely moves to D.C. for political work. I understood why I was not invited, as he is still repairing and building his relationship with his daughter after a difficult divorce and separation from her during her latter teen years. He wanted some focused dad time with her before she leaves. I'm really happy for them and so enjoyed finally meeting and spending time with her at the 49ers game we attended a few weeks ago.
Anyway, prior to him taking off, he brought up the possibility of moving into my house! The house where he's been living has become less desirable for various reasons. We both acknowledged it might be a tad premature, all things considered, but could be wonderful too. There is a studio room out back, separate from the main house, that would be good place for him to work and spend time, as well as allow us both our space.
All this to say, we've had a lot of good time together and our commitment to one another is rapidly growing. Part of this growth, by the way, includes a decision to make a few last active attempts at pregnancy, starting with an appointment with a new doc on January 7th. I will share more about this in another post.
But back to the dream... not unsurprisingly, as we become more committed, my intimacy fears become more activated. My mind wants to fixate at times on the ways he is not perfect - primarily the ways he is not physically perfect - for me. We have a lot of attraction for each other and - sorry for TMI - have regular, "hot" (at least the way I define "hot" :) sex. And. He is not "perfect." I have been in relationships where I have had more pure, physical chemistry with someone. For example, my old flame, R, who I shared about last year. R was wrong for me on every other level, including being a raving alcoholic, and only became a worse match over time. But we still had that strong, basic physical chemistry. Thus leading to last night's dream (please excuse the "dream-like" vagueness):
It started with R and I in a school or place where we worked and leaving to meet up together. I had awareness that he was still married and was feeling great attraction and compulsion to be with him. Then we were together, and I remember a sense of not having anything deep to say to one another.
The next scene, we're in his house and S is there. I'm with S, and I'm touching his back and he has some sort of contraption on like a spanx thing or something (I know this is super weird!). I touch the edge, and he acknowledges he has it on with a nod (I think that's acknowledging something about age or not having physical perfection. Both S and I could afford to lose a few pounds). R was siting across from us and it felt awkward. I pulled R out to talk with him and try to smooth things over. I told S that we'd be back in a few minutes, which was an important component to S feeling okay about it.
Then the scene seems to switch and R is gone, and there is a huge elephant coming up the stairs and into the room. I run out the back door onto the roof or patio and try to block the door, but I know it's a feeble attempt and the elephant will be able to break through.
I start looking for a way down off the roof and see that it's a loooong way down, but I know I've climbed down before and can do it. So I'm trying to get the nerve and find the right spot to climb over the railing and work my way down the ladder trellis on the side of the building. At this point, a couple people from the soap opera Days of Our Lives are there (one was Bo! and another female) and strategizing with me. That's all I remember...
Crazy, right? When I woke up, I had an insight that part of my fear is closing the door on the opportunity for "perfect" physical chemistry with someone. I'm a bit embarrassed to admit I also thought about possibilities of us eventually having some "non-traditional" relationship, where another person might join us in commitment. I've actually known other families with this structure, so it's not completely made up for me. I doubt I would ever be comfortable with this, or that S would. I know I would never be comfortable with an "open" relationship or with "polyamory," where each of us have relationships separate from our commitment/marriage. But the idea of bringing another person into a commitment with us feels different.
I'm sure some of you are thinking I've gone off the deep end at this point! Again, I likely would never do this, but I think considering and talking about it with S may be part of the journey of going over the line into acceptance and full commitment with him.
Have you heard of or known people who had alternative families like this? Or, on another note, any comments on my dream?
If I don't write before then (S and I are going to San Diego over New Year's to visit his brother's family), I hope all of you have a Very Happy New Year! And may you receive multitudinous blessings of your heart's desires and more in the coming year!!!