This will be a summary of the ups and downs of my recent dating/living situation with C, as well as an appeal to send me some good thoughts about an exciting upcoming event.
So, I lived with C for a couple of weeks and, let's just say, what I thought would happen, did. Our chemistry ignited and we ended up fooling around several times. It was fun - really wonderful actually - and I don't regret it, even though it led to hurt feelings, as I also predicted.
When I asked him about staying there, he warned me that a long-time friend - a girl - would be coming into town during that time and he was concerned about awkwardness (there's that word again). At the time, we were not dating and, frankly, I was somewhat desperate to find a place to stay... plus, I missed him. So, I over-optimistically reassured him I could handle it, and it would not be a big deal.
Well, when the actual event transpired, we had been hanging out and connecting physically, and I felt more attached. Plus, I assumed she would spend time there but had no idea she would be spending the night. :-/ Also, he didn't give me enough warning so that I could have made arrangements to stay somewhere else. Basically, it was really stressful and, yes, awkward and uncomfortable, for me at least, even though she had her 7-year-old daughter with her and I don't think anything sexual happened. She still slept in his room. In his bed. With me down the hall. Yuck. I felt he should have done more to acknowledge the impact on me and try to alleviate it - at the least by giving me a couple days warning.
The deeper issue is that the intimacy we shared (not sex but intimacy that felt increasingly loving) didn't change his feelings about commitment and moving forward to being in a relationship. It didn't seem to increase his attachment to me; whereas for me, it definitely did. That was a sad and painful realization. Thus, it was probably good timing to leave for Tahoe and from there move into my house-sitting situation. We have had a couple of processing conversations since then, but I have decided I am done trying to break through his wall and make him realize he loves me and can't live without me. ha I faced reality that this will not be happening any time soon, and likely not ever. I'm moving on and putting my energy towards more productive and mutual situations. I actually have a date tonight that I'm looking forward to (sort of - ha).
The exciting upcoming event is that I found out yesterday that I have an interview for the full-time counseling position in San.ta Rosa on the 28th! Yay! I actually was pumping my arms and exclaiming, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" when I got the email. Please send me good thoughts at 3 and 4pm on the 28th. There is a writing part of the interview at 3:15, and the actual interview is at 4... I'm sure it will be a panel interview again, but last time (I interviewed for another position a few months ago) I remember thinking these were the nicest people - and this was the most enjoyable interview - that I had ever experienced in this context. I do plan to spend a lot of time preparing!
Both professionally and personally, I'm setting my sights on "thriving" versus just "surviving."