First of all, I want to thank those of you that responded to my last post about my mom; it really meant a lot to me. Thanks for continuing to hold her and my family in your thoughts and prayers.
Onward with the tale...
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| This seemed an appropriate picture somehow... |
I think I have had a couple more dates with SB since the last time I posted. We went to brunch and a book art exhibit, which was pretty fun. My type of day! Of course, I love brunch! And art seems to be a great bonding activity for SB and I. Then, before I left to Oregon, he came to my theater group, which was having a newbie night. It was just okay (continuing our up and down theme). I know I was tired - I think both of us were - and one exercise he and I did together during the class was actually disconnecting. I shared something about myself in an exercise and his response was sort of flippant, I think. I had already been judging him physically, especially in comparison to my beefy landlord/housemate, J, who leads the class. Afterwards, we went out for a glass of wine and loosened up a little but it wasn't a great night overall.
Then I went to Oregon, then I had my weekend workshop, so it was kind of non-stop busy. We reconnected Friday on the phone as he headed out of town to visit his daughter in Santa Barbara and made plans to get together tomorrow night. But we had another emotional disconnect on the phone when I shared a vulnerable exercise from my weekend workshop and he started relating it to a story about Mitt Romney. WTF! Ridiculous.
But. We talked through it and I was very direct in saying I need empathy. I need to be able to share emotional things and feel like he is "with" me, cares, and is at least trying to understand. He said that everyone wants that, which is probably true, and nice of him to say. He said he sees that he has a pattern of disconnecting at these times and that it is something he wants to change. Something about fear of disappointment or not being able to handle it or something. Anyway, we came up with a "safe word" (kinda funny) where I will say, "Stay with me now," when he does this and he will try to stay connected, hopefully without getting triggered into his fear of disappointing me. Good to have a game plan anyway, and we will see how it goes.
I have said several times that maybe he needs to be with someone who is more cerebral and less sensitive, but he doesn't seem to want that? Underneath, I am also thinking that maybe I need to be with someone who is more feeling-oriented and sensitive, but I do like a lot of things about our connection, not the least of which that I generally feel comfortable and like I can be myself with him.
The other guy in the picture, C, is the guy I went to the live music and dancing event with three weeks ago. It was a great night! He hasn't had a lot of dance lessons, but he has good natural ability and was playful and fun to dance with. He is cute and has an athletic build I find sexy. I would say, though, that he's kind of inward-focused and quirky... definitely smart - he's pursuing his PhD in public policy and working as a public transportation union leader - but the emotional intimacy piece I'm not sure about. It's too soon to tell. We had a nice physical connection and the hugging at the end felt great, but the kissing was, well, not so great. It was a little weird, like his technique is off or he was holding back.
He suggested three last minute dates over the last three weeks, all of which I declined and said I was unavailable. Not loving the last minute invitations, and my brother and I agreed that it likely indicates ambivalence. Yesterday, when he made his third last minute proposal, and we had a couple rounds of lackluster emails, I said in my direct way that it seemed like he was less than excited to see me again, and was this true? He said no, definitely not, that he has some reservations about dating in general, but that after seeing me before, he was "charged" for several days. Hmm, interesting. So, we have plans now for wine this Thursday and possibly the next one, as well, for swing dancing. I hope to learn more about his dating reservations and see if we have enough connection to continue getting to know each other.
Curious what your feelings are about both situations, when you hear about them? Any questions you have about either situation? Obviously I know SB a lot better at this point and am seeing patterns emerge. I like him a lot but also have doubts. C is still, to a large extent, an unknown quantity. Physically, I find him very appealing, and I know he can match me intellectually but am not sure about other levels. That brings us to the end of this chapter in the Tale of Two Men. :)
As a last bombshell to throw in here, my housemate told me on Friday that he will definitely be selling the house this summer and would like me to move out in two months. Ohhhkay. I admit this was not as shocking as it would have been had we - he, I, and his partner - not had a conversation a few weeks ago about money in which it was clear they felt I had been paying far under the market rate, and that he was looking to make more money and at least break even on the mortgage and expenses, etc. (at the time the options we were discussing is me moving into the other bedroom and paying a bit more rent and getting a new roommate as soon as possible). Of course, I understand that, it's just strange when we agreed on the rent amount and he seemed good with it - and planned to share the house with me - and then everything changed and it seems he now feels he did me a huge favor and is not happy with the amount. He feels part of the favor is "letting" me live here by myself, but that was never my choice, so it's hard for me to see that as a favor.
I think a lot of the "shifting sands" feeling I have is because he is in a huge time of change himself, and is also needing to now make decisions with his new partner. So, he really HAS changed his tune over the time I've been living here. Hard to believe it has been five months already. I feel a little sick thinking of moving again, but somehow I'm not freaking out and actually feel it could be "meant to be," as this is not a good house for a small child. I'm trying to roll with it and just keep making big efforts with my business. These efforts are starting to take hold! No new clients yet, but am getting the word out there and generating lots of possibilities. Please think good thoughts for me, as this business taking off is going to be a huge piece of making this transition work.
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