Sorry for the absence. I finished my NaBloPoMo month and slacked off!
Also, I have been spending a lot of time with sh/cm and my housemate has had a couple of friends from out of town staying with us (in our tiny little house). Letting them stay feels good because what a great guy my housemate has been great in so many ways, but I am ready to have my space back.
Sh/cm and I have done many life-enriching activities recently, including wine tasting and lunch in Sonoma, a home-cooked yummy dinner at my house - stuffed red peppers with kale, bacon, and pine nuts - and seeing a couple movies and visiting the Farmer's Market. All of this pretty much in the last week.
We have had some good conversations, too, complete with awareness breakthroughs regarding our defense mechanisms and connections to our pasts.
But I'm not feeling good about things at this moment. Caveat: I am in PMS mode, which often means I don't feel great about much of anything, but there is more to it.
We talked on the phone a few days ago about some things he was saying and doing, such as making reference to a future together and asking if I wanted to stay the night at his house, and how that made things hard for me to keep our situation in "dating" perspective.
He has since stopped some things but not others. The invitations to several things every week keep coming, he started calling me a pet name, and he constantly wants to fool around, to be blunt.
Two things have resulted I believe: one, I'm pissed because I feel disrespected somehow; and two, my intimacy stuff is triggered and I'm judging him a lot (as is my pattern when I get into a relationship with someone).
If we were truly in a relationship, then I think he would be a great person to work on this stuff with, but since we're not, it feels inappropriate or premature. Does that make sense?
I actually just sent him an email saying I wanted to take a step back because I wasn't feeling comfortable with our level of intimacy considering the context. I said I wanted to continue hanging out and getting to know him but without so much intensity.
Hopefully, he will be okay with that, but if not, I'm prepared to lose the fun his presence has been bringing me (though I would be sad about that loss).
I think it makes sense. I've been though this a couple of times, and I had to do the same thing once. Bravo for following your heart and trusting yourself. It's not easy, is it? xo
ReplyDeleteNo, it's not easy, you're right! But my conversation with him affirms my feelings and instincts. Thanks for expressing your understanding. Would like to know more of your experience if we have a chance to email off-blog.
ReplyDeleteIt makes perfect sense. Someone gave my some good advice once. Go with your first instinct, because it's usually right. He sounds like so many guys I've been with. You have a great time, and they make a lot of vague promises, but in the end, you have no real commitment from them. Good for you for stepping back.
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