Not There Yet

Almost the end of the weekend, another Mother's Day come and gone.

I generally haven't felt much depth of love and gratitude on this day.  My Step Mom married my dad a year and a half after my birth Mom died and, though I call her Mom, for whatever reason we have never had a close-knit mother/daughter bond.

I always get her a card and gift (and remember many times where she did things for which I'm grateful or taught me valuable skills etc.), but if I am honest, I send her these things out of obligation versus an organic feeling of deep appreciation and love.

I went to my dance group today and then out to a Himalayan/Indian lunch with my dance peeps.  It was a fun day but generally just another Sunday.

I did have a moment mid-dance where I felt a wave of sadness and sat out on the edge of the floor for a while just being with my feelings.  My dance scene is great like that: you can bring whatever you are feeling and be with it in the space without fear of judgment.

Anyway, I think it was because I had been thinking about my Mom and Grandma, and reading a bunch of blogs this morning that were poignant and moving to me (thank you to those of you who recognized and expressed my and others' experience so beautifully), and I just had some emotion stirred up.

But it passed fairly quickly, and then I rejoined the dance.

Maybe someday this day will be full of deep authentic appreciation and love, but I'm not there yet.