Pushing Through

I wish I could say I was "flowing gently through," but I feel I am pushing through this transition and staying afloat as best I can.  Which includes taking mild anti-anxiety medication for the first time in my life to get through this transition.  When I saw my doctor a couple weeks ago, I said truthfully that it felt like if one more thing happened or landed on my plate, I would topple over.  I'm not meaning to whine or act like a victim - I know that many people have gone through times of loss and change equal to and way bigger than the one I'm in, but my threshold of stress management was and has been reached.  I'm not depressed, just a lot of emotion and stress flooding my life and my body.

The main events of course are being told I had to move, then my mom passing away, then being told the move date would not be adjusted due to time lost grieving and traveling to Oregon, then the actual packing and moving into my friend's house.  Which has been a great and much-appreciated place to land but it's clear that her house is a bit over-capacity with me and Zoey and her nephew and herself all living here...I always thought she was an extrovert - and that's what she tested on the MBTI - but living with her, I now feel like she might be on the line or somewhat of an introvert.  Maybe losing her husband a year ago has taken a lot out of her so that she needs more time alone, which is understandable.

In any case, I talked with her about timing and it's clear I need to move within a month, maybe a month and a half.  And I was so clear and feeling so positive about finding a place that would allow me to adopt in the next few months to a year, but one of my avenues towards that just fell apart.  Basically, the guy I had been talking to, who had a psychology background and had expressed openness and even interest in living with a little one, admitted last night on the phone that he probably wasn't ready to partner on a lease for a house with me.  He recently moved back from Canada and is rebuilding, and renting a room is more his speed at this point.  Great, guy, glad you got clear, but now I'm sort of back at square one.  I had been finding a few 3-bedroom places that were in our rent range, but there are ZERO two-bedroom places in my rent range.

There is still this one option in Albany, living with a woman I met through my Transition Town work... the people currently in the house are suddenly packing up and moving to Europe but are not sure exactly when... maybe next month, but then often the landlord takes a month to turn the place over. :( It's out of my control.  I know if there were a specific move date in late June or possibly even July 1, I could hold out that long at my friend's house but not any longer.  The other avenue is continuing to look for a two-bedroom "suite" within a shared house, which I will go back to doing.  And re-post what I'm looking for on a couple of housing boards.  Late last night, I also found myself looking at jobs at the University of Oregon and the community college in Eugene.  Maybe feeling so "out there" and untethered makes me want to run home.

Well, enough venting and kvetching... I want to share a couple positive things that are also happening:

  • My Career Transition Success Group is moving forward and will be posted on meetup on Friday.  I'm charging $247 for eight two-hour guided support sessions.  I hope to get at least 6-8 women signed up at our free workshop May 20th.  Please send good thoughts!
  • Adoption classes are great!  On the one hand, one might think these would add to my load, but actually they are buoying me up and energizing me, because I'm moving toward a deeply-desired goal.
  • I went on a third date with C, the guy I went dancing with a while back and was attracted to but then chose to focus on the other guy, S, who I ended up dating for a couple months.  Anyway, it was his birthday Saturday night, and we went to dinner and drinks and talked a lot and ended up making out in my car.  ha!  How old am I?  Anyway, it was fun.  He texted the next day, and I imagine I'll see him next weekend.  I wish he were a little more expressive - he can be hard to read - but he holds space well for sharing and for me expressing my feelings, which feels good.  And he's cute. :) He has long-ish (medium long) hair, which is unusual for me but it's nice hair - kind of blondish, thick, and wavy - and he mostly wears it pulled back, so I like it.  Now the facial hair could go or at least use some shaping/trimming but that's a minor thing that could likely be influenced later.  lol  He's very progressive and a labor leader for the local transportation system.  I have always said I need an intellectual lumberjack type, and he seems to fit that bill pretty well.  But it's early, so we will see.

That's it for now.  Today, I'm going to grade papers (two more weeks of the semester - yay), read books to prepare for my career workshop/class, and focus on finding housing.  And try to keep pushing through...


  1. Is it wrong that the dreamer part of me (the same part that is living vicariously through you) wonders if all the living arrangements keep falling through because you and C are going to continue to grow your relationship and fall in love, move in together, and adopt together? Probably a stretch after just a few dates, but he sounds like a good match so far!

    I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so much anxiety, that isn't a fun place to be. Hopefully you will discover some new insights and inner strength you didn't know you had when this stressful time is behind you.

    1. Your fantasies go where mine go, Ali! :) But I have to keep pulling myself back. We just had another good date last night, though.
      Thanks for the positive future vision, once this time is past.

  2. You are going through a lot! The uncertainty of the living situation in itself is stressful, and you have the emotional recovery to work through as well. Its difficult living in a temporary accommodation and one does not realize how our feeling of security and belonging is tied to having your own space. So I totally understand how hard this transition period is for you. Glad you are getting some medical help to alleviate some of the stress.

    Have you considered maybe renting a bigger place (3 bedroom) and getting a room-mate to help with some of the rent? Not sure how easy it is to find a roommate, but though I would throw that out as a possible option. I am sorry your adoption plans are on hold while you figure out housing, but I am glad that you are taking the classes so you have all that ready to go.

    Your dates with C sound great :-)

    1. Thanks, Sunflower! It's a good idea about renting the bigger place but I don't think I'd likely have all the upfront finances they would want (first and last months rent plus deposit, plus extra deposit for dog). My Aunt might give me a short term loan if I find the right place... would like to have a specific person or two in mind to house share. But I think I'll go to open house this week anyway to check out a house that looks cool.