We Made it to the Other Side of Surgery!

We successfully made it through S's colon cancer surgery! Yay!

From what the doctor said, everything went well, and the part of the colon he removed had "clean edges," which means cancer free to the eye (his chemo and radiation did it's job). S still has to have a final round of chemo beginning in a few weeks, so that any microscopic cancer cells are destroyed and chances of recurrence go way down. The surgery lasted a couple hours longer than initially planned, and the doctor told me it was because he is carrying extra weight so it took longer to create the ileostomy. This is a health issue S said he plans to address going forward, fingers crossed.

I may not have mentioned that S has to have a temporary ileostomy for six months. It would normally be 9 weeks but he has to recover from this surgery, undergo chemo, then recover from chemo, then have the ileostomy reversal surgery. So, yeah, it is a lot of treatment and recovery, but it should be completed by summer, thank God.

I had a moment of feeling really overwhelmed and questioning whether I could handle going through this with S considering our level of commitment... my thoughts were that this is the kind of thing where you would automatically jump into supporting your spouse if you were married, but S and I are not married and were even having some bumps in our relationship a month or two ago. For one thing, I want to pursue having or adopting a child and S was uncertain how he felt about that.

But in the days prior to the surgery, we talked about these issues and worked through them. S still isn't as excited as I am about having a child - for him, another child - and admitted he had been hoping I might let that dream go (really? after all I've been through and all you know about me? grr), but I said that I needed him to be supportive and to make the situation "better" with him there than "worse." I said I knew it couldn't be his focus with so much on his plate but that I potentially wanted to move forward within this six month time frame of his treatment/recovery and needed to know he would be supportive. I'm happy to say, he agreed. *As a caviat, I want to say that moving forward would assume that I either nailed down another "for sure" college counseling job or my business took off in a way that would provide a consistent, livable income.

Also, I was able to wrap my brain around the six months (!) of treatment and what that entailed and, though we didn't say specifically we intended to get engaged/married, we did broach the subject. He indicated he valued me bringing it up and wanted to talk again in the near future. Yes, a lot has gone down in the last few weeks!

S gets out of the hospital today, and I will pick him up and take him home to his house. His daughter is arriving today from the DC and intends to stay with him tonight, so I will probably go home later and give them time. I admit I'm nervous about that, though, since she would be staying in a separate room downstairs and what if, God forbid, something came up where he couldn't call out to her. We will see how things unfold.

I will post more on other life happenings soon. Hope your year is starting well and less dramatically!

Surgery and Post-Op Report

Farewell, fibroid!!!

The surgery went very well and took a bit less time than anticipated.  I have been recovering for the last few days and appreciating the pain medication.  The first couple of days were the worst in terms of pain and not being able to move around and get up and down very well.  Basically, any movement that engages your abdominal muscles hurts. 

S was a Godsend the day of the surgery and stayed with me until the next morning when he left for an activist retreat.  He came back that evening for dinner and the following day for the Super Bowl and was really supportive and there for me. 

But then, yesterday, that support felt like it was abruptly cut off when he didn't communicate all day.  I wrote him a report before I went to bed, and he briefly responded and suggested we talk in the morning.  I imagine he was feeling fear around the physical and emotional closeness of the time we were spending together, though he says that's not the case.

Ironically, the way we were together over those couple of days was what I had wanted, or imagined I wanted, the last few months we were together.  Being able to just "be" with each other and relax, hang out in casual way.  Maybe we didn't do the most exciting activities - pretty much eating and watching TV and movies - but we talked some in-between, legs intertwined and holding hands.  It felt comfortable and reassuring.

Clearly, I got a little too attached because when he went AWOL yesterday, it hurt my feelings.  Now, as I regain my strength, I'm trying to let him go with love and not be angry that he couldn't offer that closeness in the context of relationship.  I could not have gotten through this surgery without him, but we are not together anymore, and it's time to move on. 

To take it a bit further, perhaps the difficulty we are experiencing now is a gift in that I can clearly see that he still does not have the ability to communicate and take ownership of what's going on with him, and he still has anger issues right there under the surface, as well.  This is not the kind of relationship I want.  And, I still feel grateful for the support he provided at this vulnerable time.

My friends were also supportive and brought food for me Saturday and yesterday.  The lentil soup my friend (and current "buddy" in my leadership program) brought yesterday was sooo tasty and healthy, and I ate the leftovers today for lunch.  When you feel sore, tired, and dizzy, cooking is not the best choice of activity.  Two other friends are bring food tomorrow and Thursday.  I could likely prepare something by that time, but I very much appreciate the extra care and time to take it easy. 

Zoey was a trooper throughout it all.  She could sense that I wasn't able to physically care for her in the same way and adjusted her reactions to my signals.  Less jumping around and more independence; going outside in the yard by herself, etc.  She was a good girl.

In the big picture, I am glad to be rid of the fibroid - and the second small one she took out too - and look forward to the positive differences I will feel, once healed.

Updates Shmupdates

In considering the content of this blog, I have a late New Year's resolution to declare:  In 2014, I will write six focused topic blogs.  Maybe there is a more proper name for these... what I mean, is that instead of just writing the variety of happenings and insights since my last post, I will explore a particular topic in more depth.  Many of you who blog do this, but it's been a rare occurrence for me.  In any case, I want to challenge myself a bit in my blogging, so we will see how I do.

But not today!  Today, I'm going to do the opposite and write a bullet post to catch up on work, ex-boyfriend, leadership program, and other happenings:

• I'll start with work, since I left off there in my last post.  My class launched successfully!  I feel good about the content I have provided for the students, which has included lots of interactive exercises, an online college resources scavenger hunt, and a PowerPoint, peppered with group discussion and and activity.  And the most of the students haven't even received their books yet.  That's right, I'm not complaining though.  Folks on the East Coast are feeling much worse impact of the stormy weather than delayed books.  I have improvised and made do, and I was told they would arrive on Monday, fingers crossed.  Oh, and my "first big college class" is filled mainly with high school students, albeit more mature than average high school students.  My community college has an imbedded high school, the students of which graduate high school with an Associates degree - a pretty good deal.  So, after hearing a complaint from one of the "real" college students in the class, I've needed to talk to them about the noise level, but I'm happy to report they are adjusting pretty well.

• My surgery is this Friday.  I found substitute teachers for my classes the week following and, with the help of my kind friend, I'm lining up a few visits and simple meal deliveries.  I'm just not sure how incapacitated I will be.  As mentioned, S will be taking me there and back and spending some time with me afterwards.  The main things I'm worried about are, in this order: Zoey care, food prep/bathroom trips, and pain.  I'm not more worried about pain because I assume I'll be given good pain medication.  Mainly, I hope I'll be able to do the minimum required to take care of necessities for the couple days post-surgery.  If any of you has gone through laparoscopic fibroid surgery, I'm interested to hear about your recovery experience, if you're willing to share.  As I think I mentioned, my fibroid is large - seven to eight mm - and located outside the uterus, near the cervix.

• S and I have had three further talks now (two in person and one on the phone) and many tears have been coming out, which feels like part of the healing process.  Through some teachings in my leadership program, I've realized that after our fight pattern had had gone on for a while, I went into "faint" mode (out of the model "Flight, Fight, Freeze, or Faint"), which means I checked out or detached to some degree.  At the time, I thought I was being calm or "normal" and not escalating things, but I see now that I was not fully there.  I remember feeling like this "shouldn't be happening" and denying the reality of the situation.  I believe the sadness I'm feeling now is a release of feelings I didn't feel through the last few months, as well as sadness that we stayed stuck in that painful place for so long.  I've said several times to S now that I wish we had broken up instead of going through that for so long.  I wonder what might have happened if I had been able to stay present and express the sadness then?  I think either we would have broken up or something would have shifted in the relationship.  But I really don't think he was ready to shift, so I doubt the latter.  I'll confess that the first time we met, there was some rebound romance energy but not the second time.  I still remain clearly focused on what I want in a relationship, and that he's self-admittedly not capable of that.  I'm glad he will be there to help me around the surgery - it's strange to remember that I was about to get this surgery last Spring but then we lost Cobra coverage and could not go forward.

• Finally, I had my third Ecology of Leadership retreat weekend (out of six) last weekend, and it was a doozy!  Our activities were primarily focused on "roots work," or looking at blocks or issues that are holding us back, as well as diving deeper into our Project work.  A lot of people shared deep wounds and trauma, such as family member's suicide, eating disorders, being rejected by a loved one, etc.  I shared more and released sadness mentioned above in our small groups and individually during an embodied shaking and tapping (it's hard to explain but it was pretty cool) exercise we did.  I made major progress in my clarity about Project focus on forming a Social Change Performing Arts Troupe that focuses on both inner and outer transformation.  Inner, in terms of the troupe being a safe place for the members of the troupe to look at their own issues, feelings, and perspectives in relation to different topics.  Outer, with regard to us creating performance vehicles we take out into the community to engage, educate, and hopefully transform those in the audience.  Both aspects are important to me.  And, guess what?  I set up a tent and camped for the first time in a decade!  I didn't sleep more than a few hours, but I didn't get too scared and made it through.  I won't be heading for the Alaskan wilderness anytime soon, but I feel it was a good step.

Tomorrow and Monday I need to get a lot of work done towards my class - grading papers, lesson plans for this week, and bigger picture assignment descriptions.  Looks like I might be at the computer a lot over the next 48 hours...

Post-Surgery

 Never having gone through it before, I can now report that surgery is a most interesting experience.  I was first on the docket (rotation?), and therefore required to arrive at 6am.  Neither S nor I are at our best at that hour, this is for sure.  Crabbity crabbity.  We did get there on time, however, then spent the next half hour sitting in the first waiting room.  "First waiting room"?  Why yes, because then they call you into the second waiting room, where you proceed to wait some more.

Things got a lot more interesting, though, once I went into pre-op (sans S).  I and two other gentlemen first received a short lesson in how to remove and store our clothing and put on the lovely blue gown provided for us.  Key in the lesson was how to tie the two ties appropriately.  Hint: the second one should NOT be put through the holes in the gown and should be fastened on the side.  Then, we each were taken to our own separate waiting area and sat in beds/chairs (cool beds that converted into chairs), replete with computer check-in equipment and a sliding, circular curtain for privacy.

On a serious note, huge kudos must be given to every person I dealt with - the receptionist, O.R. nurses, anesthesiologist, doc/intern, and my own doc - for their exceptionally kind, positive, and efficient demeanor.  Seriously, I was WELL treated and cared for.

I was initially asked a bunch of questions, then my vitals were taken and IV was installed (inserted?).  After which, the surgery process was thoroughly explained to me.  The only concern came up when I signed a consent which included "laparoscopic surgery."  For those who have not heard of this, it means an abdominal incision, which is not what I signed up for!  My expectations were clearly set for a simple hysteroscopy and polyp removal by vaginal means.  This confusion was cleared up, though, by the explanation that extremely rarely the uterine wall may be perforated, and they would need to assess and repair this through laparoscopic means.  Okay, I guess I would want you to go forward in that particular situation!

S was able to hang out with me once I was prepped and awaiting the surgery time, which was comforting.  When the stout gentleman nurse finally brought me back, I was ready to get the show on the road.  As we entered the surgery area, I understood the term "operating theater," as it is a very large room with several people intent on performing their "roles," accompanied by many props.  I felt calm and secure from the moment I entered.  Not long after being situated on the table and cleared for "take off" (they actually called it this), I felt the anesthesia go in through the IV on the back of my hand.  My legs were fastened in rather comfortable stirrups and... I was OUT.

The next thing I remember, I woke up in the spacious recovery area, again cared for by attentive and kind nurses.  I felt gooood.  Yeah, I definitely was pretty high at that point.  I remember asking how things went and if they got it all, and the nurse answering in the affirmative.  Also, I remember raving how everyone was so great, and how I wanted to tell them how great they were.  I recall thinking of S and how awesome he was; how much I loved him and how much I wanted to have a baby with him.  And then I passed out for a bit again.  Then drifted in and out for a bit longer, and then was pretty much alert.  The nurse gave me some juice, after which she called S to pull the car around.  I got dressed, sat in a wheelchair (another first that felt pretty strange) and wheeled like a baby or an elderly person out to curbside.

For some reason I was starving and made S go through the McDonald's drive-through to get one of their big breakfasts with pancakes and a coffee.  I did eat it slow, but they said they gave me some anti-nausea med before I left surgery, which must have really worked!  S continued his run of super sweetness by taking Zoey on a walk and out for some playtime before he headed back to work (he just landed a long-term contract!).  He's coming back tonight with some yummy Chinese food.

So I guess I can declare this surgery a big success!  Thank you for your kind wishes.  I'm not sure what will come of it but mission definitely accomplished.  Oh, and when I was in recovery, the doc gave S a series of color pics of the inside of my ute.  You can clearly see the polyps in some of them; it's pretty cool.