The surgery went very well and took a bit less time than anticipated. I have been recovering for the last few days and appreciating the pain medication. The first couple of days were the worst in terms of pain and not being able to move around and get up and down very well. Basically, any movement that engages your abdominal muscles hurts.
S was a Godsend the day of the surgery and stayed with me until the next morning when he left for an activist retreat. He came back that evening for dinner and the following day for the Super Bowl and was really supportive and there for me.
But then, yesterday, that support felt like it was abruptly cut off when he didn't communicate all day. I wrote him a report before I went to bed, and he briefly responded and suggested we talk in the morning. I imagine he was feeling fear around the physical and emotional closeness of the time we were spending together, though he says that's not the case.
Ironically, the way we were together over those couple of days was what I had wanted, or imagined I wanted, the last few months we were together. Being able to just "be" with each other and relax, hang out in casual way. Maybe we didn't do the most exciting activities - pretty much eating and watching TV and movies - but we talked some in-between, legs intertwined and holding hands. It felt comfortable and reassuring.
Clearly, I got a little too attached because when he went AWOL yesterday, it hurt my feelings. Now, as I regain my strength, I'm trying to let him go with love and not be angry that he couldn't offer that closeness in the context of relationship. I could not have gotten through this surgery without him, but we are not together anymore, and it's time to move on.
To take it a bit further, perhaps the difficulty we are experiencing now is a gift in that I can clearly see that he still does not have the ability to communicate and take ownership of what's going on with him, and he still has anger issues right there under the surface, as well. This is not the kind of relationship I want. And, I still feel grateful for the support he provided at this vulnerable time.
My friends were also supportive and brought food for me Saturday and yesterday. The lentil soup my friend (and current "buddy" in my leadership program) brought yesterday was sooo tasty and healthy, and I ate the leftovers today for lunch. When you feel sore, tired, and dizzy, cooking is not the best choice of activity. Two other friends are bring food tomorrow and Thursday. I could likely prepare something by that time, but I very much appreciate the extra care and time to take it easy.
Zoey was a trooper throughout it all. She could sense that I wasn't able to physically care for her in the same way and adjusted her reactions to my signals. Less jumping around and more independence; going outside in the yard by herself, etc. She was a good girl.
In the big picture, I am glad to be rid of the fibroid - and the second small one she took out too - and look forward to the positive differences I will feel, once healed.