But not today! Today, I'm going to do the opposite and write a bullet post to catch up on work, ex-boyfriend, leadership program, and other happenings:
- I'll start with work, since I left off there in my last post. My class launched successfully! I feel good about the content I have provided for the students, which has included lots of interactive exercises, an online college resources scavenger hunt, and a PowerPoint, peppered with group discussion and and activity. And the most of the students haven't even received their books yet. That's right, I'm not complaining though. Folks on the East Coast are feeling much worse impact of the stormy weather than delayed books. I have improvised and made do, and I was told they would arrive on Monday, fingers crossed. Oh, and my "first big college class" is filled mainly with high school students, albeit more mature than average high school students. My community college has an imbedded high school, the students of which graduate high school with an Associates degree - a pretty good deal. So, after hearing a complaint from one of the "real" college students in the class, I've needed to talk to them about the noise level, but I'm happy to report they are adjusting pretty well.
- My surgery is this Friday. I found substitute teachers for my classes the week following and, with the help of my kind friend, I'm lining up a few visits and simple meal deliveries. I'm just not sure how incapacitated I will be. As mentioned, S will be taking me there and back and spending some time with me afterwards. The main things I'm worried about are, in this order: Zoey care, food prep/bathroom trips, and pain. I'm not more worried about pain because I assume I'll be given good pain medication. Mainly, I hope I'll be able to do the minimum required to take care of necessities for the couple days post-surgery. If any of you has gone through laparoscopic fibroid surgery, I'm interested to hear about your recovery experience, if you're willing to share. As I think I mentioned, my fibroid is large - seven to eight mm - and located outside the uterus, near the cervix.
- S and I have had three further talks now (two in person and one on the phone) and many tears have been coming out, which feels like part of the healing process. Through some teachings in my leadership program, I've realized that after our fight pattern had had gone on for a while, I went into "faint" mode (out of the model "Flight, Fight, Freeze, or Faint"), which means I checked out or detached to some degree. At the time, I thought I was being calm or "normal" and not escalating things, but I see now that I was not fully there. I remember feeling like this "shouldn't be happening" and denying the reality of the situation. I believe the sadness I'm feeling now is a release of feelings I didn't feel through the last few months, as well as sadness that we stayed stuck in that painful place for so long. I've said several times to S now that I wish we had broken up instead of going through that for so long. I wonder what might have happened if I had been able to stay present and express the sadness then? I think either we would have broken up or something would have shifted in the relationship. But I really don't think he was ready to shift, so I doubt the latter. I'll confess that the first time we met, there was some rebound romance energy but not the second time. I still remain clearly focused on what I want in a relationship, and that he's self-admittedly not capable of that. I'm glad he will be there to help me around the surgery - it's strange to remember that I was about to get this surgery last Spring but then we lost Cobra coverage and could not go forward.
- Finally, I had my third Ecology of Leadership retreat weekend (out of six) last weekend, and it was a doozy! Our activities were primarily focused on "roots work," or looking at blocks or issues that are holding us back, as well as diving deeper into our Project work. A lot of people shared deep wounds and trauma, such as family member's suicide, eating disorders, being rejected by a loved one, etc. I shared more and released sadness mentioned above in our small groups and individually during an embodied shaking and tapping (it's hard to explain but it was pretty cool) exercise we did. I made major progress in my clarity about Project focus on forming a Social Change Performing Arts Troupe that focuses on both inner and outer transformation. Inner, in terms of the troupe being a safe place for the members of the troupe to look at their own issues, feelings, and perspectives in relation to different topics. Outer, with regard to us creating performance vehicles we take out into the community to engage, educate, and hopefully transform those in the audience. Both aspects are important to me. And, guess what? I set up a tent and camped for the first time in a decade! I didn't sleep more than a few hours, but I didn't get too scared and made it through. I won't be heading for the Alaskan wilderness anytime soon, but I feel it was a good step.