Conscious Sedation

Polyp surgery on the books for Friday at 8am!  I have to be at the hospital at 6am - Ouch.  S is going to take me there and home.  Today in my surgery phone consult, the nurse said I'll be getting some really good IV drugs to achieve "conscious sedation."  She described a previous eyelid surgery - with a bit too much detail I must admit - in which she had received the same medication, and said that it makes you drowsy, drifty, and like you don't care.  She said she understands why people become addicted to the stuff, and I started to wonder if SHE wished she had her own supply.  lol  In any case, it sounds like I'll be in a good state of mind for the procedure.

In other news, I've felt somewhat "consciously sedated" in my own life this week; kind of lost, and I'm not sure why.  Sometimes lately I feel very close to S and other times kind of distant.  The trip to Oregon was difficult but okay, and good in some ways.  We had a challenging conversation in counseling last week about agreements regarding exes.   Then a good conversation Sunday morning in which it seemed like we came closer together around it.  And continued on to spent a lot of nice time together over the next day.  Then, yesterday, after we separated, I felt lost and adrift.  Why?  I don't get it.  I would have thought I would feel hopeful and happy after our conversation and time together.

Today, we had a great hike this morning, then tension on the phone about the way he is responding to my work with a coach (exciting to be making headway on a goal to take on several individual career counseling clients).  He sometimes seems less than supportive when I share about it... I'm not sure if it's because of his own career crossroads or some other reason, but it sucks when you really want someone to show support and they don't or can't.  Anyway, I got off the phone abruptly when I sensed this lack of support, and then he got upset at me with the way I got off the phone.  Aaargh.  Maybe he's feeling vulnerable.  Maybe we're both feeling vulnerable.  Maybe these stupid supplements are continuing to make me feel funky and sensitive. 

I guess I'll take a shower and head to bed.  A couple full days of work at the college ahead, so that should distract me from my funk.  Oh, I do have a bit of good news:  the college raised my hours up from 10 to the highest level of 16.  Yay!