Trying to Make Lemonade

Easter was lovely.  S bought me tons of tulips and some gourmet chocolates at our Farmer's Market and made a yummy fish dinner, which we accompanied with the Chardonnay from our wine tasting weekend.  We had lots of good - some deep and some fun - conversations and watched the movie, "Snow White and the Huntsman."

On the other hand, I have some bad news to report.  We just lost COBRA coverage with Kai.ser.  S was able to get on another individual Kai.ser plan, but I was rejected basically for being a woman, old, and trying to get pregnant, even though the plan didn't cover fertility.  Yes, I'm feeling some bitterness.

Ironically, an injectable IUI cycle at a local fertility center costs about the same as the monthly cost of COBRA plus the copays we had to make.  So, we will likely go ahead and do a cycle with them as soon as we are able to get things going.  I have a phone consult a week from this Friday, the earliest they had open.  So. Tired. Of. Waiting.

On the bright side, I've added Vitex to my list of supplements, and I have a sense it may be a big positive for me.  I don't know why.  It was suggested to me several years ago, but I never took it for some reason.  It tastes mildly bitter, and you have to count out 30 drops of the stuff three times every day (if you take the liquid).  So with that and the DHEA, COQ10, L-Arginine, Melatonin, etc., I'm getting as much help as a gal can get from supplements!

And this cycle (and probably next one, as well), we can try naturally.  I would like to use Femara next cycle if we can't do injectable medications yet, so am looking into getting a hold of some of that.

This week's a busy week with a Key.stone XL protest Wednesday and a Transition US open house fun-type event on Thursday.  Life keeps rolling on, and I guess I'm being distracted from the difficulties by a lot of good things.  I'm grateful for that.

And so I face the final curtain...

Participated in my dance group this morning.  Experienced a wave of sadness in the middle.  May be connected to mixed emotions around S emailing me a couple of days ago saying, in a polite manner, that he thought he should separate me from his insurance and, if he didn't hear from me by the end of the month, he would do so at that time.

This is very reasonable.  I knew it was coming.  But I sometimes forgot.  In any case, I asked for another month, so probably have until the end of September... possibly October.  It brings things into sharper relief.  I have a sense that the time of me actively trying on my own may be coming to an end, barring unforeseen circumstances.  

Time is not my friend.  I would love to do one IVF, and if there were any frozen embryos, this would be such a blessing.  I've looked at a few international IVF programs.  Do you know they are about a third or less the cost of the procedure here in the U.S.?  There are travel costs of course but, wow.  

That would entail getting a loan, however, which I'm not sure I can or should do.  Assuming, as the odds would suggest, that doesn't happen, then the doors could close.  I'm feeling more ready for that.  

I don't think I will choose to try donor embryo for reasons I don't want to go into right now, though I understand the beauty and gift of it for many people.  Adoption may be my next path... But before then, this coming end of August/beginning of September injectable cycle may be my "hail mary," with the unlikely possibility of one more cycle immediately following.  

So, yes, I guess I can see where the sadness might be coming from.  Also, though, an interesting sense of calm and some acceptance.