Romance and Reproduction, Part 3

This week has definitely been eventful (with regard to men anyway). 

On Thursday, I had a second date with the guy I liked from last weekend.  Unfortunately, it was a bit of a let-down.  In what is likely not a surprise to most of you: communication is important to me!  Ha! 

Apparently he's been listening to a lot of Buddhist tapes lately (not meditating though!), and has talked with me about his excitement about learning to control his feelings and reactions through changing his thoughts/focus.  This sounds positive on the surface, but translates into seeming sort of distant and unengaged.  And also, when I have feelings, not responding to them in a warm or accepting way.  We're coming from opposite directions, ironically: With a Masters in psychology and lots of personal growth work, I'm all about authenticity and expressing feelings, and he's all about changing them on not giving them much attention!  You can see the problem. 

Plus, there was this awkward moment - I guess a lesson for me - where I thought he was paying for dinner, but he wasn't really in on that plan.  I had said I needed to go somewhere moderate, but he chose a sushi place and proceeded to order tons of food.  So, I assumed (note to self, never assume) that meant he's decided to cover most or all of the bill.  But when it came, he talked about me paying for my part or getting the next dinner or whatever.  Maybe that was reasonable?  I don't know, it just didn't feel good.  But I take responsibility for not speaking up when I saw where things are going and "making an ass out of u and me."  Plus, on top of all that, I can tell he still drinks a lot, which isn't my thing at this point, and has a rambling-on-and-on talking habit. 

So, guess this one isn't likely to go anywhere, after the initial promising chemistry. :(

Moving on to yesterday, the day of two back-to-back Skype conversations with two different potential co-parents.  The first one was with the East Coast guy who was planning on coming out next week.  I've been trying to work out this lack of primal attraction thing, but have finally come to the conclusion that, whether it "should" be true or not, this type of attraction is important for me to have with someone with whom I'm procreating, regardless of whether there's any sexual contact.  I think it's actually very normal, hearing that many other women considered whether they would be attracted or have sex with their donors.  And I felt the same way with the donors I used for my IUIs.

When you think about it, as women, we are genetically combining with these men and taking them (or a genetic piece of them) into our bodies.  There is some intimacy there.  Probably moreso when it's a co-parent or known donor who you will be seeing regularly once the child is born.  But for me, it just feels very primal - like it's just not right and I can't be open to the process if I don't feel some physical attraction for them.  And I just don't have that with this guy. 

I think I started having a problem when I looked at his Facebook pictures.  There were pictures from five or ten years back and quite a few pictures in different scenarios with different people.  Not attracted to any of them.  And in fact, especially not attracted to one where he was showing more of his body.  When I was talking to him on Skype, there was a lot of positive connection on other levels that shadowed that, I think.

Anyway, we talked through it in a very positive and caring way, actually.  I do love his level of consciousness!  He's still coming out to see friends, and we will get together just on Friday afternoon.  He shared that he'd thought we had a spiritual connection and there may be some purpose for us meeting, even if it wasn't co-parenting.  I was definitely focused on the co-parenting, but it does go along with the resonance I felt with him.  I at least would like to meet him as friends, and there's always that slight chance something would shift in me when interacting with him in-person, but this is highly doubtful.  I feel great relief that he will not be staying with me for four days!

The second Skype call was with the guy from L.A., who has a three-year-old son from a previous marriage.  Ironically, the situation is kind of reversed with him.  I do feel an attraction, but communication is not nearly as comfortable or deep.  He tends to share a lot of stories, with more detail than I'd like to know.  Not inappropriate detail, more descriptive and unnecessary detail.  So, I feel somewhat frustrated and bored when he's talking. 

On the good side, he's clearly very caring and responsible, a wonderful and loving father, and is open to honest communication and feedback that I've given.  Some men would be angry or defensive when I say something about wanting more of a personal connection and less details or whatever.  I tend to be very direct at times!  He seems to roll with things and respond honestly and directly, so I like that. 

I think he's a bit overwhelmed and needs some time to process, though, because I was the first woman he connected with on the co-parent site, and he didn't expect things to move forward so quickly.  So, we'll see.  Now, I'm thinking about whether this particular communication issue matters! lol  If it's not one thing, it's another.

In other, completely crazy, news, an English gentleman (attorney? judge?) I also met on the co-parent site has offered to provide me with IVF, including PGD, in Czechoslovakia, assuming I agree to having a son and can pay for transportation there and back.  Looking up prices, though, it's only about $2,000 there for IVF.  Not sure what PGD adds to the cost.  A round-trip ticket out there is also around $2,000.  He would pay for hotel.

Big Step Forward

Thanks to everyone who weighed in on the discussion about the line between romance and reproduction. I definitely related to the experience many of you shared about choosing a donor based on attraction (or whether you could see having sex with him :).  I do think there is something primal about creating a child and joining genetically with someone.

In my real-life co-parent considerations of the moment, it is a bit of concern to me that I don't really feel a strong primal attraction to the East Coast guy, at least not physically.  I'm sure part of it is his age, as he is significantly older than me.

But I think I'm feeling a lot along the lines of what Sunflower wrote in the comments about personality, getting along well, and being pleasant looking - plus there's this very strong resonance or "on the same wavelength" factor that makes it very easy to imagine co-parenting with him successfully.  Financially, he is in the middle of a career transition and not as strong in that area as I would like.  But he has an impressive (to me anyway) career history and is actively moving toward future opportunities.  Also, he is married and has a wonderful "homestead" living situation including land, growing his own food, chickens, etc.

All this to say, I'm moving forward to the next step with him!  He is flying out here in a couple of weeks to spend a few days, mainly with me but also with friends he knows in the area.  I'm nervous!  I'm still not sure about the wisdom of choosing an older co-parent.  I wonder if this will affect my abilities to conceive.  I know it increases the risk of autism, which is worrisome, as well.

But, as you probably know if you've been reading for a while, I have a strong spiritual side, and this situation just keeps flowing forward.  It "feels" the most right at this point and seems to have a life of it's own, if that makes any sense.  I'm not having to work to move it forward.

Sooo, we were clear this trip is about getting to know each other better and in-depth, discussions about co-parenting details and issues.  It does not indicate a decision to move forward; that decision is still up in the air.  But it still feels like a big decision!