Reproduction vs. Romance in Another Context

Yesterday, I accidentally went on two dates.

In this post, I'm going to describe the dates... then consider whether dating is simpatico with pursuing co-parenting.

The first one, a breakfast date, I completely forgot.  He emailed as I was still in my pajamas and thinking about going for a run.  I waffled for a minute, but then hurriedly threw on my running clothes in case I wanted to go afterwards, brushed my teeth, washed my face, put on a touch of mascara, and ran out the door.  Not my prettiest look.  I did warn him.

Anyway, once I arrived at the cool little breakfast place near Lake Merr.itt, we started talking and gradually warmed up into a fairly good rapport.  He has beautiful eyes and a very nice smile.  I was feeling a bit self-conscious but it helped once we warmed up and started laughing a lot.

After breakfast, we walked down to the nearby Farmer's Mar.ket and cruised around talking.  Two highlights: he loves Ore.gon and his father lives there; and he initiated touching our hands together at the end under the pretense of showing me an exercise he did in a workshop.  We agreed to meet again this week.

Oh, and one caveat:  He said in his profile he wants to meet women 28 to 35 (he's my age), I imagine because he also says he wants kids.  I flirted first with a comment on one of his pictures, then he initiated communicating.

The second date I actually had in my calendar.  We met, oddly, at another restaurant near Lake Merr.itt for  their afternoon happy hour out on the deck.  When I saw the guy, my first thought was, "He does NOT look like his pictures!"  I went back and looked at the pictures again afterwards and see the resemblance, but they definitely place him in a super positive light.

So I'm thinking, "No," right off the bat, but we can still have a pleasant drink and chat.

We ended up having two drinks, as it was such a perfect summer-like day to be hanging out in the sun, and he was easy to talk with.  At the end, I found myself considering going on a second date, but, in retrospect, I think it was the wine talking!

Quite an unusually full day...

Later, I found myself imagining how these guys, especially the first guy, would feel if I told them about my co-parenting plans.  They clearly stated in their profile that they want kids.  And if, by God's grace, I become pregnant, I only want one biological child.  *As I write this, I see it's similar to dating when trying to become an SMC in other ways, as well.

Also, considering the idea through their eyes, this clearly complicates the family constellation and would affect our lives as a couple.  It may just be too unusual and complicated for them to understand, let alone accept.

I'm not sure how or when I will communicate with someone I'm dating about my co-parenting plans.  I think I'm in the camp that I will tell them when it organically comes up and feels important to share.  Because I don't want to live life from a place of trying to control all the "what ifs."  Who knows what may or may not happen in any of these scenarios?

I do feel strongly that I want to try a few times this year, as my window is closing (if not already closed).  I want to give one more whole-hearted try, adding injectables to the mix.  It doesn't feel good to think about putting these plans on hold.

How would you handle things if you were me?


  1. I really struggled with dating when I was ttc as a single woman. I didn't want to put my dreams of a child on hold any longer, but I also didn't want to close the door on a possible romance, especially since there were no guarantees about me becoming pregnant. With most of my dates, I didn't tell them about my plans because we fizzled out after two or three dates. There was only one fellow that I shared my plans with and he was surprisingly supportive about it. I can't say for sure why, but I suspect that it made him feel as if the pressure was off him in that area.

    I think you're taking the right approach. Just see how things go. You'll know if/when it's right to share your co-parenting plan. I agree that you shouldn't put your plans on hold.

  2. Definitely don't put things on hold. It would probably be a date-killer if you walked in and said, "Before anything even starts, I need to tell you...." Wait to see if you feel any connection, but don't wait so long a guy feels lied to.

  3. Well,you did have a fun day did'nt you ;-)

    I would not put TTC on hold. You are correct that your window of opportunity for a biological child is very small, and that need to be the priority. I would continue down the path of the co-parents you have figured. What you do not want is a situation where you close those doors, hoping it will work with new guy and then end up with neither. As MN said you will know when to tell them.

    Many of my friends have asked me when I will start dating again after my divorce and at this time I am not even openeng that door since I feel it would complicate things. I want to get pregnant first and then figure out dating later.

  4. I haven't blogged about it yet, but I'm considering this as well, as I just met someone a few weeks ago. I, too, used a dating site, but was on there only with the intention of meeting people and occupying my time while I wait for the placement of (my) a newborn. I actually stated in my profile that I am in the process of adopting and that it's a significant part of my life at the moment; I said that I had no expectations with dating other than to meet new people and go on some outdoor adventure.

    And what happens? I have an unexpected and significant connection with the first guy I go out with on a date.

    I found that being up front about it from the start removed for me any stress about my "secret" and allowed the people (or, person) I went out with to know where I'm at in my life and see whether it's something they're happy to oblige.

    Now that you're already having dated this first guy, I'd probably wait to see where things go before you mention it. Then, do it when you feel it's right for you and your relationship.

  5. Whoa, that's amazing, Sunny! I see your point about putting it out front in your profile. I may do that....I think it would be easier once I'm further along in the process. Right now, I'm communicating with co-parents but not actually trying yet. I also wonder how different it might feel for people to hear I was in the process of adopting or in the process of trying to have a child with a co-parent. Two things come to mind - there's another man as part of the picture in co-parenting and also there's a mysterious "how are they trying to conceive" factor that may bring up thoughts of sex with another man.

    I want to hear more about your new guy! :-)

  6. I went the "No Dating" route when it came to men and TTC. I had one final date that fully convinced me single motherhood was the way to go. That means I haven't had a date, or anything else, in over 4 years, but I don't regret it for a second. I'll admit occationally hoping for a Jenifer Lopez moving ending - but I'm happy with how things are. For the first time in my life I'm completely content.

    Sunny, I like your practice of being open and honest about it from the beginning. Good luck on the dating and adoption front.