As I've continued to meet and talk with potential co-parents, I am noticing a feeling of resonance and chemistry more so with some than others. And I'm starting to wonder if I'm giving that feeling too much weight. Does it really matter when it comes to trying to conceive and parent together in a non-romantic scenario?
For example, with the East Coast guy, I feel a lot of positive connection and comfort when talking to him. We are totally on the same wavelength in the way we communicate, the language we use, the way we "tune in" to what the other is saying, etc. I do not feel physically attracted in terms of wanting to have sex with him, but I definitely feel a lot of chemistry and find him somewhat attractive.
With the therapist who lives in San Fran.cisco, I feel less resonance, but definitely a sense that we are on the same wavelength, have similar values, and speak the same language. Physically, I am the least attracted to him. He is very short and fairly slight of build, not unattractive, but not really my type looks-wise.
The guy in L.A., who I Skyp.ed with for the first time this morning, has the most primal attractiveness for me. He's not "hot" or anything but quite easy on the eyes, boyish looking, dark brown hair and green eyes. Out of all the candidates, I could most easily imagine having sex with him. But the conversation was more challenging. I like him and think he would be flexible and fairly easy to work with and co-parent with in most ways, but he's not as "tuned in" or empathetic in his communication and tended to talk for long periods of time, didn't ask me many questions, etc. Yet, our conversation had depth and reflection in it. He's clearly thought a lot about being a parent and cares deeply about his son and other people in his life.
Of course there are other important deciding factors, such as financial stability - for ttc and child rearing purposes I'd like them to be more financially solid than me, which may or may not be fair but is true. And their community and family situation plays a role in what kind of life our child would have while with them. There are many facets to the decision. But right now, my mind is focused on this issue of primal chemistry.
There are a couple more specific points that come to mind around this topic: one, this primal attraction may somehow play an evolutionary role in whether I will become pregnant; two, I'm joining with this person genetically and want to feel we are a good match.
So where is the line between a dating candidate and a co-parent candidate? In this one area, are the screening processes similar and should they be?