As I've continued to meet and talk with potential co-parents, I am noticing a feeling of resonance and chemistry more so with some than others. And I'm starting to wonder if I'm giving that feeling too much weight. Does it really matter when it comes to trying to conceive and parent together in a non-romantic scenario?
For example, with the East Coast guy, I feel a lot of positive connection and comfort when talking to him. We are totally on the same wavelength in the way we communicate, the language we use, the way we "tune in" to what the other is saying, etc. I do not feel physically attracted in terms of wanting to have sex with him, but I definitely feel a lot of chemistry and find him somewhat attractive.
With the therapist who lives in San Fran.cisco, I feel less resonance, but definitely a sense that we are on the same wavelength, have similar values, and speak the same language. Physically, I am the least attracted to him. He is very short and fairly slight of build, not unattractive, but not really my type looks-wise.
The guy in L.A., who I Skyp.ed with for the first time this morning, has the most primal attractiveness for me. He's not "hot" or anything but quite easy on the eyes, boyish looking, dark brown hair and green eyes. Out of all the candidates, I could most easily imagine having sex with him. But the conversation was more challenging. I like him and think he would be flexible and fairly easy to work with and co-parent with in most ways, but he's not as "tuned in" or empathetic in his communication and tended to talk for long periods of time, didn't ask me many questions, etc. Yet, our conversation had depth and reflection in it. He's clearly thought a lot about being a parent and cares deeply about his son and other people in his life.
Of course there are other important deciding factors, such as financial stability - for ttc and child rearing purposes I'd like them to be more financially solid than me, which may or may not be fair but is true. And their community and family situation plays a role in what kind of life our child would have while with them. There are many facets to the decision. But right now, my mind is focused on this issue of primal chemistry.
There are a couple more specific points that come to mind around this topic: one, this primal attraction may somehow play an evolutionary role in whether I will become pregnant; two, I'm joining with this person genetically and want to feel we are a good match.
So where is the line between a dating candidate and a co-parent candidate? In this one area, are the screening processes similar and should they be?
Good questions! I wish I could help you out on this one, but it's beyond my realm of experience. I suspect the criteria you're looking for could be different because it's not a life partner you're looking for. Yes, you will have a link with this person for the rest of your life, but you won't have to LIVE the rest of your life with them.
ReplyDeleteHave you thought about seeking out others who have gone the co-parenting route and speaking with them about their experiences?
Right! We'll be interacting with each other regularly but not like we'll be joined at the hip or spending tons of time. It would be nice to become close friends though and have the mutual support that would bring...
DeleteI'm not sure where I would find a co-parent group to talk to... I've heard things here and there. Seems most of what I've heard is a gay man or couple with a single woman and they were friends before.
Some very interesting thoughts. I do know that when I was shopping for my sperm donor, I struggled with how important physical traits vs. character traits would be in my decision. In the end, I chose a guy that I find somewhat attractive, and could picture being friends with him. At the same time, he also has some traits that are opposite of mine, in hopes that it will balance out some of my traits (for example the donor is an actor, whereas I am terrified of public speaking!).
ReplyDeleteAt the same time, that would make for such a cute story if you end up dating the man you pick to co-parent!
I won't hold my breath, but that would be a fun story! :) Two of my co-parent candidates are partnered so that makes it less likely...
DeleteYou're treading on ground that's very unfamiliar for me, so I'm not sure I have any real insight to offer, except for one funny anecdote. At my donor party, one of the comments left on the "pros" lost for the donor I ultimately chose was "you'd totally have sex with him if you met him in real life." This observation was based on his profile and one childhood photo, and yet I completely agreed with the comment!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this process with us - I find it intriguing, and there doesn't seem to be much about it in the SMC blogs, so I know there are people out there who are going to find it really helpful.
That's funny! When I chose donors for my IUIs, I think the (imagined) attraction piece did play a role. I hope others do get something out reading about my process, that would be cool.
DeleteThat's funny Shannon becuase that's how I picked L's donor. He had all the other qualities I wanted like education, and health wise but he was hot, so I said that's the one. It worked so it's all good...lol
DeleteOkay, my comment is going to seem very superficial and not 100% accurate. I mean it all in good fun so don't take it too seriously, it's just an odd phenomenon I've noticed. Anyway, in my line of work I've had the chance to observe many couples and their children. One thing I've noticed is if there is a physical feature you don't like about your partner then nine times out of ten that trait will show up in the child. The same might also be said of the traits you don't like about yourself.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, personality and the ability to get along with someone has always carried more weight with me when it comes to relationships than looks do. And I think with co-parenting how the two of you connect and get along is going to be very important in the future. Good luck with your decision!
Thanks, Isis!
DeleteI've seen the couple/feature thing in action too. I guess in the end we can't control what our babies inherit.
This is a great post. To be honest, I only really heard about co-parenting on your blog, and by reading your entries I can see how it can be a really effective relationship for the adults and the child.
ReplyDeleteIn terms of deciding whether physical attraction is more important than communictaion/being "in tune". To me being in sync with that person in how you raise the child and how you communicate etc is more important since that is what you will be doing 99% of the interation you will have with them. Unless you plan to grow into a romatic relationship with them, or plan on getting pregnant the old fashioned way, the "hotness" factor is less important - would be to me anyways. I would look at maturity, finacial status, heath history etc.
When I chose my donor, I liked his personality as someone I would get along with well. I put aside various "hot" guys in favor of one who had the cleaner family health history. He had a older teenage pic of himself and he looks like a pleasant looking young man, and I could see myself having a son who looked like him...but nothing further.
I don't know if any of this is helpful really, but just my 2 c.
I see the romance in it. When I was looking at sperm donors. I loved what this guy wrote. I thought to myself this is it. I memorized his number. I tend to go back to it and read it again time to time. I know strange right. Well if this could potentially be my childs father. I don't know how else I could feel. I think there is not right or wrong way you have to go with you gut!!
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