It's getting real.
Talk of my future with sh/cm that is.
My dreams last night had huge waves and people trying to surf them. I was watching from a ledge a bit off the beach and scanning for those that managed to "catch the wave." Then, it gets fuzzy: there was some kind of danger and a guy carried me up to another place on the ledge (higher level) where it was safer.
Psychologically, as many of you may know, water often represents our emotions and/or sub-conscious, so, yeah, I think I was a little stirred up last night.
The day had started with a great morning together, waking up at my place and then heading over to his neighborhood Farmer's Market and one of the most delicious cups of coffee I've ever had. Then off to my dance/his workout, followed by walking up to bookstores - and a sidewalk sale - in his neighborhood to pick up a relationship journal (yes we are so geeky as to be starting a relationship journal), and a few used books and CDs.
Back at his house, I guess I was the culprit who took the first dive into the deep end of the pool by asking if he thought we would actually, somehow/some way, end up with a baby. And we were off!
He said yes, he had, and we went back and forth exploring much more detail than we ever had before about next steps and creating a foundation either for the biological child we create or one that we might adopt through the foster care system. We had never really talked about adoption before, but he must have been thinking about it on his own because he had lots of concrete ideas!
Details discussed included:
- The idea of us moving in together in a few months; choosing a place that would be good for a child and consider the school system, etc.
- What age child we would be open to in the adoption process and whether it would benefit us to be married or not (I said I wasn't sure since the Bay Area is progressive and less discriminating than some places, but maybe because it is one factor out of many that might indicate to an agency that we are "stable"). Yeah, the "M" word was thrown out there. It has been touched on before but not this directly.
- The idea of a child who may have some adjustment issues needing lots of love and his feeling that he could fill that role well.
Later, we continued the foray into deep waters by talking further about his new health insurance potentially covering me as his "partner," different health plans offered, and some specifics around IVF procedures and costs (I would appreciate prayers or positive thoughts that I get coverage because this might allow me to go forward with IVF in the next couple months).
Much of the day was fun and relaxing, including a yummy steak and potato barbeque (a side salad and coffee frozen yogurt for desert too!), but it sure does seem we jumped into some big topics!
When I think about moving forward with him in these ways, I feel excited and hopeful, as well as a little anxiety. The anxiety is connected to the marriage part, I think, because I can't say things are perfect. I know I love him a lot and feel closer to him than anyone I've ever been with. But part of me believes it should be perfect, or close to it anyway.
We have worked through a lot of challenging issues that have proven to be game stoppers for me in the past. I do see that we are growing and developing what I would consider "true" intimacy.