Am I Crazy?

I want to write about something I'm struggling with regarding sh/cm.  I've mentioned it in prior posts, but I want to talk about it in a little more detail.

As those of you who have been reading for a while know, the beginning of our relationship was a bit complicated due to a trip he took to London.  On this trip, he spent some time with his ex-wife and they discussed her coming to California a few months later to stay for a month or two and see if they might want to try a relationship again.

Well, as the story continued to unfold: I agreed to date him (and theoretically other people too) even though that door was open with her; we spent more time together and became closer; and he decided to commit to a relationship with me.  She lives in England and this hasn't been a problem. . . until I found out recently that he had talked to her a couple times recently and not told me, and that she was coming out to California in January to complete part of a book project they had agreed to complete together.

I was upset to learn these things and felt he'd been deceptive.  He admitted as much, and said it was because it was easier.  He justified it to himself by thinking he owed it to her since he had already committed to helping her in this way, and that he'd "dumped" her romantically and if he "dumped" this project, as well, it would be like saying she was worthless (I didn't exactly understand this logic).

So, we had some difficult conversation around this, and, as I shared in a previous post, I came to believe this train had travelled too far down the track and - considering he said this would be closure on his working with her and he would be transparent about communication going forward - I let it go.

But.  Then another thing came up around his communication with an ex-girlfriend, with whom he meets with weekly (along with several others) as part of a local Non-Violent Communication project.  He dated her for several months until the end of last year.  I noticed he had some energy when talking about her a few times, as if he was carrying some unresolved feelings about their relationship (resentment/anger mainly).

I didn't think much of it or worry about it until recently, when I found out about the communication with his ex-wife.  I looked back and remembered he had some emotional connection to Burning Man happening this year (he went with this ex-girlfriend last year) and then her birthday party a week or two ago (which he'd planned and orchestrated last year).

I don't feel a huge threat from either of these women, as far as him cheating on me or leaving me.  But I do feel a lot of fear and upset around them.  The ex-wife was a lot harder, I think because of our history and also because we had conversations about it, and he knew I wasn't comfortable with him communicating with her.

I guess when I think he doesn't care how I feel about something and just does it anyway, that feels scary.  And what seems to be an ongoing strong attachment (caring, feeling of loyalty and wanting to help them) to these women is worrisome to me, as well.  Maybe I'm cold-hearted, and this is the "healthy" way to feel about exes?

I should mention that he has a strong jealous streak and has expressed fears and upset around MY interaction with other men, so it's interesting to me that he seems to struggle with being sensitive and considerate to me around this area.

Tonight, he emailed me and told me after the fact that he called his ex-girlfriend to ask her about a webinar she gave and whether he might use the same channel to give a webinar on a climate talk he's putting together.  Really?  A phone call in the evening, was that necessary?  I emailed back that I didn't like hearing that, and (immaturely) told him that maybe I would call ex-boyfriends in the coming evenings and discuss project collaboration, then report back to him about it.

Perhaps I'm overreacting, and I should be glad he told me?  We just came through a tough weekend (more on that later), and I'm not appreciating additional stress and strain.

p.s. The ttc report:  my bbt is at 98.3, and I'm on 9 dpo.  I had acupuncture today.  Not feeling any noticeable signs, other than a headache which was likely related to fatigue.


  1. I don't give relatioship advice. Relationships are so complicated espcially when it comes to feelings and emotions. Sometimes the way you see things has to do with feelings and emotions and not fact. Believe me I am in the same boat. I am praying for you. I hope you get everything you desire!! That includes the baby. Good Luck.

  2. I'm not sure I have any advice to offer, either. I'm finding myself in a somewhat similar position with J and his ex and I'm never sure if my responses are normal or irrational. I don't feel threatened in the sense that I think he's going to go back to her, but I do feel that she is sometimes a priority over me because she's the mother of his child, and that's a really bitter pill for me to swallow.

    All I can suggest is that you keep talking these things out and keep trying to work through them. If it's something worth holding on to, then just keep working at it. It's going to be tough and shitty sometimes (maybe a lot of the time), but hopefully it will all be worth it in the end.

  3. Thanks you guys, I appreciate the positive thoughts. It's nice to know I'm not alone in struggling with relationship fears and difficulties. I like what you said about perspective and about communicating.