Talk with S went very well. I was able to express the deep hurt and also the anger, and he heard it and felt things I wanted him to feel like guilt and compassion. I understand more of his side of the fence--the main new information being that he was thrown both when I broke up with him and later when I said I didn't want to be friends. He expected a reaction but not to that level. He thought we would still go to Oregon. Also, he thought I would come around to thinking about his history with the ex and bring that more into my considerations. I reiterated how it felt like he emotionally broke up with me prior to me formally taking that action.
There were things he said that I want to know more about, like how he sees he has a pattern of "setting a trap," referring to the situation with me and his ex. I want to know more about his feelings when he said that yes, he was going ahead with his plans despite how I felt and how I said I couldn't handle it. I know some of the thought process, but I want to know the feelings. Part of me still feels pain thinking of that moment and that decision on his part. He said he felt dizzy and sick to his stomach when he got the email about me not wanting to be friends, and I admit that felt soothing to hear. We acknowledged the sadness that we didn't get more help from resources in our community and the many connections we have.
We are going to talk again soon. At the end of our talk, we held each other and ended up kissing. I won't lie; it felt really good. More warmth and tenderness mixed in with the passion part. Who knows what that means. I'm just trying to stay focused on myself as we talk through things that have needed talking for a long time.