SSSaturday Night

Spending an exciting Saturday night cooking and watching a pre-recorded show about Whitney Houston's life.  Her voice was spine-tinglingly amazing and listening to "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" takes me right back to high school.  Just starting to get into the Bobby Brown part of her life.  I was sad to hear of her passing and would like to hear any new details that may help me understand more about her.

Last night, S and I had drinks at my house and then went out to dinner.  More talks.  More processing.  And an awareness that things feel different.  This may sound cheesy, but they feel more honest and real.  It seems like we are both willing to be more vulnerable.  

He's starting to get an inkling of how this situation affected me emotionally.  I'm better understanding his complete cluelessness.  lol  It's hard, but I have come to believe he did not "force my hand" in breaking up with him; that he truly did not think this situation would cause our relationship to implode.  

We've come to realize that we were both in some denial at the end of last year - hoping things would get better or "go back to normal" but growing farther apart.  I think the jealousy was largely connected to insecurities we both felt about our relationship.  There were ways I maintained distance from him in my heart.  He did the same.  I have some hope at this point that we both may be willing to do work that could open new possibilities.  But I'm not going there quite yet.  

I will say that tomorrow morning we are going to get together for our Sunday morning routine, which was something I always loved:  meditation and spiritual reading, a trip to the Farmer's Market, and carpooling up to my dance and his workout class.  I'm looking forward to it.  But even as I write this, I am realizing that I don't want to have expectations for things to unfold in some idealized way.  That was part of how I contributed to problems.  If difficult feelings come up in him or in me, I want to be present to them and not take the perspective that they are ruining things, if that makes sense.  

Okay, enough analysis, back to Whitney.  Hope you are all enjoying your weekend!