Seeking Within

The housemate and I watched the Super.bowl together and his team (he grew up in NY) won, so that was fun.  I made yummy 7-layer bean dip, and we drank porter and later cooked up some pesto pizza.  A regular party around these parts, yo!

I'm about to go read me some more of the book, "Undefended Love," which I shared about in a previous post.  If you go through a heart-wrenching breakup, you may as well get some personal growth out of it, right?  The exercises I've done so far have been helpful, though I'd like to be doing them with a partner.  C'est la vie.

I'm becoming more and more convinced that my time right now should be spent on working on myself versus seeking a man.  I'm tired of desperately seeking.  A psychic in San Luis Ob.ispo told me before I moved up here a couple years ago that the right man would find me.  That my baby was waiting for this man and I to get together.  She said this man would be good looking, not need mothering (as she said many men I've been with so far have needed), and would have a child already or we would adopt one together (in addition to the baby we would create).  So there you go.  I just need to hang out and wait for him to show up!

Regardless of the veracity of her prediction - and actually I need to write another post about growing doubts I'll even have a biological child - I'm sick and tired of Ma.tch f'ing com and all the other crap dating sites.  I'm too weird (i.e. too 'deep' and artsy and progressive, etc.) to find my match on there.  

Plus, I'm still sorting through the remnants of my breakup with S.  We talked on the phone Thursday night, which felt surprisingly good.  He proposed we just check in that night about what had been happening in our lives and then talk again in two or three days about the relationship, to which I agreed.  Since the conversation, I've been thinking of him more and missing him.  I know, however, that what I need to focus on is getting more clarity and possibly healing.

I think part of missing him is just plain feeling lonely.  This book is helping me to not run away from those feelings. . .


  1. I'm proud of you for dealing with your feelings about the break-up. All too often people shove them deep down inside and rush into the next relationship which isn't healthy.

  2. I hear you about working on yourself vs seeking a man. I was with someone who is totally emotionally incapable of carrying on a relationship, but yet I thought oh I can deal with that. Ah no, I can't, but damn it still hurt. So now I trudge on again trying to figure out what the hell I'm doing wrong. I have some idea, but it's so hard to change patterns.

  3. Thanks, MN, I appreciate your supportive words.
    NTR - Yes, that's supposed to be the payoff of self-reflection: changing patterns. But it isn't easy, that's for sure! I do see that the quality of my relationship and the level of intimacy has been gradually increasing, so that's encouraging. I'm sorry to hear about your painful experience with the guy who was emotionally unavailable. I hope you (and me :) connect with someone who is available in the near future.