I've been in a good mood today, believe it or not. The first true good mood in several weeks, if not longer, it seems.
Possible reasons include cutting back on the supplement DHEA, which I think may be helping. In addition, I'm on what I call my "hormonal upswing," a few days into my cycle, and I had a really big, ugly cry on Monday (and a smaller one yesterday), which released some grief.
During my Monday cry, I became clear that I'm aching to fully love someone - that I hadn't been able to do that with S and felt deeply sorry about that fact. It sounds fairly simple but felt like a significant insight and shift from feeling despairing and wounded. I still have sadness and am constantly getting triggered by memories and seeing emails or event announcements for things we did together in the past. I looked at his Facebook page today. So, clearly I'm still thinking about him, but the feelings don't seem as raw.
As a result of talking about my insight with my housemate, he ended up loaning me a copy of the book he's working through with his (sort of) girlfriend, called Undefended Love. It's about the balance between the polarity of deeply connecting with yourself and deeply connecting with another person. And about true intimacy coming from directly facing your fears/vulnerability and being present with whatever is happening, versus automatically reverting to old, well-worn defenses that feel safe and familiar. I guess there are some exercises further along in the book. I'll let you know how it goes.
Did I mention I rejoined Mat.ch.c.om? Initially, it was a move to soothe my ego and gain some equilibrium in the situation with S. Maybe some of that is still true, but I'm also feeling like it's a healthy thing for me to be "out there" interacting with people. I've only been on the one date so far before Christmas, which didn't have much chemistry. . . and I was still pretty deep in the grief at that point too.
In the last few days, I've been emailing with a recently retired (he retired early to receive his full pension or something; he's only a few years older than me) cop from a nearby town. I like him a lot and he's funny, but he still seems to have some grief going on of his own from his divorce. Maybe we're perfect for each other right now! lol
Finally, school started back up this week. I'm teaching two days a week, covering my co-teacher's (who quit) days, as well as my own. This is supposed to be the "worst" school, but I'm generally liking it so far, knock on wood. The teacher is very supportive of our program and involved with activities, so that's making a huge difference. There's the one rowdy period, of course, who get on my last nerve, but it's not intolerable so far. We're not sure if we have a school lined up after this one, so my fingers are crossed. I'm skating on financial fumes after the holidays and cannot wait until payday on Tuesday!
I have been reading other blogs and appreciating hearing others' feelings and experiences as the year turns. It makes me feel less alone. I truly wish that you all receive the dreams of your heart (and more) in 2012!