Telling on Myself

Happy New Year's Eve.

Continuing to slowly climb out of the hole.  Gradually relying less on vices to cope with my grief.  Trying to bring in some meditation and writing.  Still drinking more than usual and watching a lot of television though.

My housemate came back from New York where his family lives, but he's been staying over at his  girlfriend's (or whatever she is right now) house.  I guess the idea is to spend a lot of time together and talk a lot over this weekend, then see where they're going to go.  They've been together a year or so I think and broken up twice in that time.  She's high energy and can turn in to a human tornado of emotion, especially around her stressful job managing a retreat center.  He (my housemate) is more introverted and gets overwhelmed with her agitation.

He also feels taken for granted, as well as devalued at times when she has had "friendships" pop up from the past with other guys.  She's been a very free spirit over the years, traveling a lot, lovers in every port, etc.  Anyway, they do have lots of chemistry and have been trying very hard, so actually I hope they can work it out.

To catch up on my own mess, when I got back from Christmas, there was an email from S (I'm going to call him S for Snake, instead of sh/cm, because it fits my feelings right now) saying his romantic feelings had faded the last few days - not because of any focus on another person - but on their own accord.  And he wanted to enter the New Year as friends.

Well, that hurt.  Even though I was uncertain what I wanted, there was at least some hope, and we had been processing relationship issues together over email.  This felt like yet another slap.  I do have to admit that I emailed him first, the day before, saying that I needed to step back emotionally.  I had asked him what he was doing for Christmas and there was a deafening silence on that front, which clearly indicated he spent it with his ex.  It made me realize how very uncomfortable I still was with the whole situation and that I couldn't really be processing anything with him while this was going on.  But I expected him to understand; for us to pull back but there be a desire on his part to continue talking later.

As I write this, I realize I probably shouldn't have been processing things with him in the first place at this time, all things considered.  But it is SO hard to break up with someone and just float out into the ether.  It's an emotional shock and leaves such a huge gaping hole in your heart, as well as your life (I imagine you all know what I'm talking about).  It sounds good to "be tough," but it feels horrible.

Anyway, I responded to his post-Christmas email with a fairly short response saying I had sadly come to doubt his capacity to be truthful, as well as his very character, and I didn't want to be friends.  That I may want to talk at some point in the future but, for now, goodbye.  That felt right and strong but then the recent lonely days wore on me. . . I know I should be getting out and distracting myself, but I'm low on money after Christmas and feeling low energy too.

So, I had a mini-slip yesterday and sent him an article from Psychology Today called, "Promise Keepers - The Committed Partners Who Stay Faithful to Each Other," about the 50% of relationships in which both partners manage to remain faithful.    I saw the flaws of our relationship in some of the qualities she described, and it evoked both an ache and an excited feeling of affirmation, like, "Yes, yes, that's what I wanted!"  For example, this section on "Inclusion":

Think inclusion rather than exclusion. Faithful partners know the differences between privacy and secrecy. Private thoughts or actions do not necessarily threaten a relationship, but may. Anyone can be more susceptible to slipping from something innocent to a potentially dangerous situation. Faithful partners put their relationship above those possibilities.

Intimacy is about trust, trust is about honesty, and honesty is about not hiding anything. When partners have nothing to hide, they don't end up fugitives from each other. They don't want to harbor concerns that what they are doing could potentially threaten the sanctity of their bond.

In the moment of reading the article, I felt deeply compelled to send it to S.  I thought I was coming from a somewhat detached place of wanting him to understand what might have helped us, but also an altruistic desire to help him learn for whatever possible future relationship he ended up in.  In retrospect, I wanted him to understand what he did "wrong" and what kind of relationship I wanted, but also it was a little piece of connection with him.  I'm definitely getting stronger and feeling more balanced, but clearly still struggling with the loneliness and separation.  

So, I guess I wanted to "tell" on myself here.  I don't know what he's got going on with his ex - they could be making like bunnies over there - but it's not my business and it's not really the point.  He behaved very badly.  I need MUCH more respect, transparency, and caring for my feelings from a partner I'm with long term.  I am deeply disappointed and sad about the choices he made and for the way things ended, but I take responsibility for having doubts and issues of my own that seriously affected our relationship.  

At this point, I'm trying to find faith that there may be someone else out there for me with a stronger character and a stronger chemistry with me, who still has a lot of the wonderful shared values, interests, goals, and communication that S and I shared.  But sometimes I'm not so sure. . .


  1. Breakups are so tough. I can't think of one break-up that I've had that didn't include this type of back & forth you are describing. Learning how to be happy alone again has always been the hardest part of getting past the end of a relationship for me... even when I knew the guy wasn't right for me. Even when I was the one who ended it... adjusting to being alone again is tough. Be good to yourself.

  2. I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. You deserve so much better. Honestly I'd love to give him a swift kick in the ass for you. I'm going to send you a New Year's wish, that you find peace and love in 2012. Great big vitual hugs because I had a nasty breakup in 06 over the holidays and it took a while to make it to the other side, but I did and you will too. You'll be acstronger and an even greater woman that I think you are right now. Take Care.

  3. Too bad life can't just be a romantic comedy where things always end up perfect. Of course, if it was, you would probably be married to your roommate! Hope you have a great New Year, and a fresh start for 2012!

  4. Break-ups are rough and break-ups around the holidays are awful! The one-two punch!!! I'm sending you hugs and comforting thoughts and the hope that 2012 is better for both of us!

  5. I hate that 2011 has ended on such a painful note for you. Like you, I wish he could see how wrong he has been in this situation and that you could at least get the apology you deserve. Good for you for sending him the article!

    I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the new year has some wonderful surprises in store for you...

  6. Oh, Kristina, you are such a loving, generous, thoughtful and bright person. You deserve so much more than he is capable of giving you. From what you've written about this relationship, it sounds like it has been so much work for both of you, and how awful that it had to end over the holidays like this. It's interesting that you feel as if you are "telling on" yourself by confessing that you e-mailed him. If anything, that tells me that maybe you feel worse when you contact him right now and not contacting him will make you feel better...if so, then give yourself permission to stay in that angry place that prevents you from contacting him. Because it is now ALL about you feeling better, my friend.

    My mother used to always tell me "If your cup is empty, fill it up again!" This led to my becoming a serial monogamist, which I don't recommend, but the concept of needing to empty your cup of the bad stuff (or snake, ahem) before you can fill it up with the good stuff, well, that's pretty wise, I think. I wish I lived closer to you - I would take you out for a giant bucket of popcorn and a movie. Is there anyone who you can lean on for this sort of break-up-therapy? It doesn't even have to cost money - a walk in the park, a cup of tea, helping you clean your place, whatever...just someone to listen to you blah blah blah about it.

    Sending you hugs.


    P.S. And thank you for continuing to be there for me on my blog - it means a lot.

  7. I don't know this man. I would have to say it soulds like he is saying things out of spite. All of sudden his romantic interest have faded. Yeah right!! Sounds like his feelings are hurt and he wanted to hurt yours. I am mad for you!!

  8. Thank you all for your affirmations and care - it has meant and means a lot. I like the idea that we're holding the positive visions for one another in 2012.

    Thanks for your caring response, Maddy. I love that vision of sharing with a girlfriend. . . and I haven't had those super tight, sister relationships too often in my life for whatever reason. I do blah blah :-) to my brother and a couple older friends of mine from San Luis Obispo. . . and sometimes my (male) housemate. So yeah, I've been doing a bit of that here and there I guess. Wish we could go for that popcorn and movie!

    And thank you for being mad for me, Honesty. It feels very supportive. :)