Dark and Random Thoughts

Random, thoughts for a rainy Wednesday (on the dark side so feel free to skip)...

• On efforts toward ttc.  As I've mentioned, it was such a nice change to be trying with a partner for the last half of last year.  We were planning on pulling out bigger guns after December.  I now wonder if S had cold feet around that idea which influenced his behavior to some degree.  I don't want to believe that, but when I look back at certain red flags, I do wonder.   For instance, when we both got onto his health care plan in November, I was most excited about the resources this opened up around ttc.  His reaction was decidedly deflating at that point, though we had discussed this benefit in the past.  

• So I'm still on the health plan.  I suppose since we seem to be broken up for the long hall, I should exit the plan and go back onto the minimalist plan I was on before.  It's so hard to accept that I may be out of time to try with my own eggs.  At 43, I feel like this is the last year I could reasonably try with injectables or IVF.  But I don't have the resources for either of those choices on my own.  It's depressing and brings up a lot of despair in me right now. 

• I feel like I'm drifting through life.  I honestly wonder if I have the fortitude and strength of character to build a full life on my own.  Has anyone else felt this way?  With S, I could see so many possibilities in terms of manifesting my dreams:  living in community, creating my own home and family, collaborating on Transition/sustainability projects together.  The idea of doing these things alone feels daunting and unattainable.  

• Finances come into play, I think, but just as important is having the stamina and energy.  I generate a lot of energy from interacting with someone else: brainstorming, acting as each others' sounding board, helping to making decisions, staying accountable, garnering more courage to stretch and try new things, motivating to engage with new projects and people.  I'm not an extrovert "go getter" by nature.  On my own, I tend to hibernate and withdraw.  I try to work against this tendency in myself, but I haven't been incredibly successful.  

• For example, my dancing, which is integral to my joy and sense of self, has been stuck in a rut for a while now.  I know that it would be "good for me" to expand my dance venues beyond my small, safe Sunday morning dance, but I fear the unknown.  This week, I put out feelers to local dance friends asking about attending the larger, weekly Dance Journey dance with me this Friday.  If no one else steps up, my intention is to go anyway.  I wish I had someone to hold me accountable and kick my butt if need be!

• I also know that I downplay and underestimate myself.  I actually have a lot of accomplishments under my belt.  But my most meaningful life goals seem elusive.  Maybe I'm just situationally depressed.

p.s. I have been continuing to talk collaboration with the administrator of that local economy/jobs website called PermaculturExchange.  Our project focus has been morphing it's focus, but I hope to begin some outreach to potential organizations/employers with project work needs in the near future.

p.p.s.  In rereading this post, it struck me that being with a partner, and being with S, doesn't necessarily make me a stronger person, but it makes me feel safer.  I feel like I'm not all alone in the world, struggling like a fish upstream.  Perhaps it numbs or cushions my raw, existential angst.  It also cushions me financially - that is the hard truth.  I think in an "ideal" relationship, two people would make one another stronger, bring out the best, and support one another's goals... but S and I did not reach that ideal.  He definitely allowed me to pursue ttc and also brightened my life with companionship and entertainment, but with regard to career and home/community, I don't think we consistently or effectively supported one another.  From my perspective, he held back a lot of himself from me.  And I could definitely put the blinders on...