2/29/2012

Dark and Random Thoughts

Random, thoughts for a rainy Wednesday (on the dark side so feel free to skip)...

  • On efforts toward ttc.  As I've mentioned, it was such a nice change to be trying with a partner for the last half of last year.  We were planning on pulling out bigger guns after December.  I now wonder if S had cold feet around that idea which influenced his behavior to some degree.  I don't want to believe that, but when I look back at certain red flags, I do wonder.   For instance, when we both got onto his health care plan in November, I was most excited about the resources this opened up around ttc.  His reaction was decidedly deflating at that point, though we had discussed this benefit in the past.  
  • So I'm still on the health plan.  I suppose since we seem to be broken up for the long hall, I should exit the plan and go back onto the minimalist plan I was on before.  It's so hard to accept that I may be out of time to try with my own eggs.  At 43, I feel like this is the last year I could reasonably try with injectables or IVF.  But I don't have the resources for either of those choices on my own.  It's depressing and brings up a lot of despair in me right now. 
  • I feel like I'm drifting through life.  I honestly wonder if I have the fortitude and strength of character to build a full life on my own.  Has anyone else felt this way?  With S, I could see so many possibilities in terms of manifesting my dreams:  living in community, creating my own home and family, collaborating on Transition/sustainability projects together.  The idea of doing these things alone feels daunting and unattainable.  
  • Finances come into play, I think, but just as important is having the stamina and energy.  I generate a lot of energy from interacting with someone else: brainstorming, acting as each others' sounding board, helping to making decisions, staying accountable, garnering more courage to stretch and try new things, motivating to engage with new projects and people.  I'm not an extrovert "go getter" by nature.  On my own, I tend to hibernate and withdraw.  I try to work against this tendency in myself, but I haven't been incredibly successful.  
  • For example, my dancing, which is integral to my joy and sense of self, has been stuck in a rut for a while now.  I know that it would be "good for me" to expand my dance venues beyond my small, safe Sunday morning dance, but I fear the unknown.  This week, I put out feelers to local dance friends asking about attending the larger, weekly Dance Journey dance with me this Friday.  If no one else steps up, my intention is to go anyway.  I wish I had someone to hold me accountable and kick my butt if need be!
  • I also know that I downplay and underestimate myself.  I actually have a lot of accomplishments under my belt.  But my most meaningful life goals seem elusive.  Maybe I'm just situationally depressed.

p.s. I have been continuing to talk collaboration with the administrator of that local economy/jobs website called PermaculturExchange.  Our project focus has been morphing it's focus, but I hope to begin some outreach to potential organizations/employers with project work needs in the near future.

p.p.s.  In rereading this post, it struck me that being with a partner, and being with S, doesn't necessarily make me a stronger person, but it makes me feel safer.  I feel like I'm not all alone in the world, struggling like a fish upstream.  Perhaps it numbs or cushions my raw, existential angst.  It also cushions me financially - that is the hard truth.  I think in an "ideal" relationship, two people would make one another stronger, bring out the best, and support one another's goals... but S and I did not reach that ideal.  He definitely allowed me to pursue ttc and also brightened my life with companionship and entertainment, but with regard to career and home/community, I don't think we consistently or effectively supported one another.  From my perspective, he held back a lot of himself from me.  And I could definitely put the blinders on...

9 comments:

  1. I am sorry you are in a dark place right now. It only natural to have these thoughts about TTC, age, lonliness especially after a breakup when things are emotionally raw. If its any consolation I wake up some nights and freak out over similar things.

    I think that you underestimate yourself - you are an amazing woman. And frankly I think you are super motivated to do stuff yourself - heck seeing the fun things you do each weekend with you dance class, and activities during the weeks motivates me :-)

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    1. Thanks, Sunflower, your words are comforting.

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  2. Hi Kristina, I wanted to stop by your blog and say hi, you made a nice comment on mine back when I was doing NaBloPoMo in October. I didn't finish the month because I got sidetracked by finding love and then I got sidetracked again by losing love, so I can relate. I'm starting up again and focusing on the topic of Abandonment for March. If you would like to guest post on my blog for next month, let me know. Take care...
    -Michele

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    1. Hi Michele - Nice to hear from you. Sorry to hear about your lost love. No fun.
      Sure, I would enjoy guest posting on your blog! Let me know when you want me. Take care, Kristina

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  3. You are very strong and while I admit that having companionship and someone to help out financially is great, I know that you can do things on your own. It's harder; I'll admit that. My insurance doesn't cover infertility. So I have to think ahead each year when we can set up health savings plans. I also understand about the tendency to hibernate. Unfortunately I am very prone to it also. I also have no useful advice on the subject because I have not kicked it yet myself.

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    1. Thanks, MN. I don't feel very strong right now! But it's nice to hear your perspective.
      I honestly think life (at least in our rat race western world) is so much easier for extroverted people.

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  4. I have definitely had that feeling of just drifting through life. I felt that way for most of my adult life and as I look back on it I realize it wasn't because I didn't have a partner or a child: it's because I lacked the courage to try. I feel as if I finally started living when I started to take chances. I see you taking chances in your life. Those risks may not always pay off, but I have a great deal of admiration for you because you continue to put yourself out there. So, from my point of view, I don't think you're drifting at all. The ground beneath you might be a little shaky right now, but I know that you'll find your footing again very soon. :)

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    1. Thanks, Jenny (I'm not used to calling you that yet :). You're right about the shaky ground, that's for sure. I really appreciate hearing your positive reflection and confidence in me - it means a lot to hear right now. Interesting about taking chances... I like your view on that.

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  5. Glad we connected and looking forward to exploring your blog. :-)

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