The Summer Dating Diaries

Since it looks like I'll be putting some energy into dating, as well as ttc, this summer, I guess I'll be writing some posts on that topic, too.

The date I mentioned in the prior post was a little bit older guy I met on Mat.ch.com.  He looked cute in his pictures, but there were no close-ups of his face.  When we met, I was a bit disappointed.  We had a couple doozy phone calls, where the energy was crackling and it seemed we had tons of chemistry.  I was actually imagining a relationship, and he was saying things along those lines, as well.  But I think he was being overly accommodating and giving himself a bit too much credit in the personal growth/consciousness arena.

Have I mentioned that I feel I've truly limited my relationship prospects through all the self-awareness/counseling/communication stuff I've done?  In a way, I think it makes me a good partner because I can take more responsibility for my own issues, but on the other hand, I don't have a lot of tolerance if they don't meet me half way.

In any case, after I adjusted to his true appearance (vs. what I'd imagined - a risk of online dating), he gave me the flowers he brought and I handed over a bag of fresh apricots from our garden.  But the flowery romance ended there.  His expression was kind of intense and surly, where he didn't sound that way on the phone.  Also, he kind of had this flat affect, and, considering I'd had the super hard conversation with the doctor earlier that day, I was wanting a little more warmth and kindness.

So, I think I responded a bit harshly to a less than compassionate question he asked, and the situation spiraled down from there.  He got defensive, I felt sad, he shut down and scurried us out of the restaurant, I shut down, he overreacted to that and got more defensive... ach!  I guess in a broad stroke view, we just weren't a good in-person match!

Two odd things about it, though:  One, I normally don't connect that well with people on the phone at first; and two, we seemed to have that smell chemistry I've spoken about before, which made me really wish we were on the same wavelength in other areas!  Oh well, onward and upward....

In a rather odd turn of events, I'm going hiking next Saturday with my brother's friend, T.  When my brother, his wife, and T went out the other night for drinks/dinner prior to our family Ta.hoe trip, I may have gotten a little tipsy and asked T what he thought about the idea of being a donor/co-parent.  Ooops!!!  For God's sake, not appropriate, woman!  But, yes, I did it.

See, T and I have always had this "energy"... well, the few times I've hung out with my brother and him over the past few years.  We are both pretty liberal and open-minded and like to brainstorm and explore different "off the beaten path" topics.  My brother has even kind of hinted he thought we might get along, despite the fact I'm quite a bit older than him.

Also factoring in:  I was just coming off this Sky.pe relationship with a guy in Britain because - uh oh, here is is again - he didn't smell good.  I don't think I talked a lot about that on here.  In brief, it didn't feel real in a way because it was just Sky.pe, but we did talk every day for about three weeks.  He was talking about coming out to visit.  So, knowing myself, and how important chemistry is to me, I wanted to assure that we had some before he flew halfway 'round the world.  So, I asked him to wear a t-shirt and send it to me.  Unfortunately, it wasn't a match. :(  Bummer.

This had just happened before the evening with my brother and wife and T, and, in one of those weird slightly tipsy conversations about things, I ended up smelling T.  Guess what?  He smelled really good.  Not a great reason to ask someone to be a donor?  No, probably not.  I guess I wasn't thinking too clearly.

Anyway, he actually said he didn't think he could just be a donor and not be involved as a father, and so I briefly mentioned co-parenting.  At this point, we were talking privately, but then we were all seated for dinner and the conversation ended there.

After I got back from Tah.oe, we actually talked about it again on the phone.  Basically, he really wants to be a dad but wants the "whole package" of a wife and family and doesn't feel a strong sexual attraction to me.  I totally get that.  I am almost 10 years older than him, plus he hasn't had many relationships and his last one (about 10 years ago) was with someone several years younger than him.  He still has hope that he's going to experience that hit you over the head, love at first sight thing.  Who am I to burst his bubble?  I guess it does occasionally happen with someone who might be an appropriate partner.  *For those of you in partnership, did this happen to you when you met?

But the awesome thing is that we talked through things, and we're going hiking next weekend with his dog in tow.  I'm kind of excited just for the fun of it and getting out for a summer hike.  We'll see how it goes.

And on a final note to this long saga, I connected with a cute, single guy at my dance group on Sunday (cute, single guys never come to my dance group!) and we hung out after dance and got a little cuddly. He's coming to my Inter.Play class tomorrow night, and hopefully we'll hang out a bit after.  Wow, that almost sounds normal!  Well, one out of four isn't bad, right?


  1. Dating is a challenge. What am I saying? Heck, meeting someone is a challenge. I have not been on a date in about a decade. :-( Good luck!

    1. Well dating really is a big challenge. Like you I have been out of the dating game for a long time. And the times certainly have changed quite a bit.

  2. I understand what you mean about the smell thing (though I'm sure it sounds weird to some people)! Too bad that Mr. Britain didn't smell so good. :(

    As for love at first sight, I did not experience that with J and have never experienced with it anyone else. I'm sure it happens for some people; people who are extremely open and optimistic, which I am not.

    Good luck with New Cute Guy!

    1. You made me smile with the "open and optimistic" comment. :) Thanks for the good luck, but I think it's already fizzled. Ah well.

  3. Good for you for putting yourself out there - that's the toughest part.

    As far as online dating goes - it's scary and tough, but it can work out. I met my husband through a dating site. I had met a few other guys first, and a couple of them turned out to be complete duds. One guy I met seemed perfect on the phone. We had amazing chemistry and I thought "omg, this is it!!". We went out for drinks and the chemistry was flat. He was a nice guy, and we clicked in terms of friendship, but it was like talking with my brother. There was nothing there at all! We actually continued to go out and just hang out - we both said at the end of that first date that we both felt nothing, but liked hanging out. We became great friends and he introduced me to another friend of his - a woman he eventually married and we became great friends too.

    When I met my husband it wasn't instant love. I don't really believe that's possible. I need more than a physical connection for love. There was instant chemistry though and we definitely enjoyed each other's company.

    Oh and I totally get the smell thing too. Pheromones are very real and how someone smells can definitely affect how we interact with them.

    1. Thanks for sharing your dating experience and the experience of meeting your husband. Actually means a lot for me to hear right now! In part, your experience validates my belief in the importance of physical chemistry... and that true, deeper love takes time to build and discover.

  4. Okay I have a ton of Match stories of the guy NOT looking like his picture. It's a nightmare!

    Good for you getting all these dates and putting yourself out there.

    I stopped dating when I started TTC but now I am trying to date again and I have had ZERO luck on Match so far! Not one date!

    I don't know how you do it but BRAVO!!

    1. Where do you live? You're so cute, I would bet you'd have lots of interested men! I do know that when I got to 40 and still definitely wanted a child, my interested candidates dropped way down. I often am the one who contacts the men I end up going out with... and I get turned down a lot!