I am c-r-a-b-b-y

I am crabby and irritable right now.  My fuse is shorter than usual.  I always have a little grump in my nature that can come out when I am over-extended or experiencing anxiety.  But then, at certain times, I'm more reactive and feel more intense anger when things don't go my way or I feel stuck or unfairly treated.  I am aware that my cycle is due to start soon, so I'm sure that's part of it.

This morning, I had zero tolerance for an idiot I was messaging with on a dating site.  He wasn't listening to my responses - was being self-absorbed - and then went off on me when I had to get off chat abruptly to answer a phone call.  Just before I got off the chat, I had expressed confusion and mirrored back what I was hearing - that I guessed he wasn't open to adoption or I-V-F.

I should explain how the conversation went down:  After asking me about my hopes for becoming a mother and hearing my answer that it was unlikely I would conceive naturally (without intervention) but might become a parent through the previously-mentioned avenues, he said he regretted not becoming a parent.  I asked him why couldn't he now?  And he said well, he did think he'd have enough energy (he was around 50), but he would need to date women the age of a daughter.  So I, logically I think, questioned him about not being open to what I had mentioned.  Then I got a call about a possible housing opportunity and told him I needed to leave chat and take it.

When I got back on the site, he had written me a vitriolic email about how rude and high maintenance I was and how could I be a counselor and of course he was open to these things.  What?  Right after I had suggested them he acted as though the opportunity had passed him by and that he would need to date someone much younger to become a parent.

What's funny is he said in his profile he wanted someone who was "baggage free."  I am no longer going to correspond with guys that say that because inevitably it ends up that they have the most difficult baggage of all.  As I should know by now, the hardest issues to deal with are those that are unconscious.  When people say they have no baggage, you can bet they have as much "baggage" or wounds/issues as any of us, but they haven't figured out what they are and therefore don't moderate them or take responsibility for the outburst that happens when one of these issues gets triggered.

He was very uncool, but I recognize I was irritable from the start.  I am definitely hormonal but also could use some TLC like sitting quietly in nature and doing some drawing or art.  I'm stressed about moving and STILL not having found a place (following some new leads), and I'm lonely too.  Zoey helps but some human companionship would be nice.  My housemate is on his honeymoon for another couple weeks.  It's crazy that shortly after he gets back, everything is going to change.  We will never live together again, and we will never have the conversations over meals on a regular basis like we did for so long.  It's like three years of this and then "poof!" it's over.  Very strange.

To end on a positive note, I have been working out at the Y doing cardio and Zumba classes the past couple of weeks.  I'm so happy to have found the motivation for this!  It feels sooo good and my body feels different already.  I think it will give me greater confidence with dating, even though I do know that there are men out there that would love me just as I am.  Maybe, as mentioned in this post, I will even get to change my description from "average" to "athletic" some time in the future.  :-)

Making the Most of Freedom

I was thinking today about how I may have one month left of unemployment until I potentially start working full time in July.  This is assuming the best case scenario that I will be hired by the cool manager of the One Stop Career Center I interviewed with last Tuesday.  It's funny how having a limited quantity of something can somehow make you appreciate it more and become more conscious with how you are using it.

When I first became unemployed, I did have that sense of freedom that can come with a rare block of open time, like a vacation.  But those of you who have been unemployed or not worked for a longer period of time can perhaps attest - I hope I'm not the only one! - that something shifts after a while, and you naturally tend toward creating a somewhat regular (less than exciting) routine.

My routine has generally looked like:

8 a.m. - 10 a.m. - Awaken, morning routine (dressed, take medicine, make coffee), read and respond to email, write in journal and map out specifics of day, eat light breakfast and talk to housemate.

10 a.m. - 1 p.m. - Go running or go walk the dog I walk three days a week.  Sometimes volunteer for a couple of hours at the local Interplay office (in exchange for free classes).  Shower and make lunch.

1 p.m. - 2 p.m. - Watch my soap opera.  lol  A guilty, inane pleasure that breaks up the day. . .

2 p.m. - 5 p.m. - If it's nice out, read a book/look at email and blogs on the deck for a while.  Do job search and apply for jobs.  Make necessary phone calls.  Run errands.

5 - 8 p.m. - Cook dinner, eat dinner, talk to housemate, computer stuff.  If have evening activity, attend that (community meeting, Interplay theatre, NVC group, etc.)

8 - 11 p.m. - Watch movie and or TV, computer stuff, stretching/yoga, sometimes reading.

Zzzzzzzzz.  Wake up!  Yeah, it's pretty boring stuff.  Of course, there is the occasional interview in there, or a walk around the lake/happy hour with a friend, maybe a hike.  I have done quite a few self and career exploration/personal growth activities.  But generally, that's the weekday flow.  My need for external motivation haunts me.

Yes, I've had a few specific accomplishments about which I feel good:

• Several coaching sessions and greater clarity about my career path 
• Three trips to Oregon to see family and meaningfully participate in my brother's wedding and grandma's memorial
• Starting and maintaining this blog
• Initiating a running routine and losing weight 
• Reconnecting with an old flame, processing the past, and having a short relationship, which demonstrated we should not be in relationship 
• Obtaining a really excellent tan. . .

Yet, I can't help but question:  Why haven't I been more motivated to take more full advantage of this time?

Which bring me to the present and the sudden possibility of this phase of abundant freedom coming to an end.  What more can I do in this next month to take full advantage of this gift before it runs out?

Maybe. . . . I could:

• Take a beginning drawing class - low cost or for trade
• Spend a lot of time with sound healing/chocolate man doing interesting, fun dating stuff
• Actually break out all my new paper crafting tools my mom gifted me for Christmas and make something fabulous.  Any ideas?  Again the curse of needing external motivation. . .
• Choreograph a dance because I love to choreograph.  Offer to teach it to some friends for fun.
• Go on at least one "Artist Date" (from the Artist's Way) a week, like visiting local galleries and museums, painting pottery, or seeing a dance/theatre show.
• Go up to Oregon yet again to spend a few days with family, most especially my brother, niece and nephew, and grandpa. 
• Commit to finish all the development-focused books I started on: career assessment, emotional health/intimacy in relationship, and non-violent communication.
• Choose to master a skill that will help me in my career and find resources to help me master it.  Possibilities include basic website design, graphic design, time management, learning about a couple of new career assessment tools, or ?.  Btw, would you be willing to share your time management system or program/resource, if it is working well for you?

What do you vote for?  Anything not on the list that should be?

Eventful Week

It has been an eventful week.  On the employment front, I started a part-time dog-walking job for a nice lady in my neighborhood who has limited mobility.  It's not a lot, but it's nice to have a little extra income.  I have continued to apply for positions, as I find them. . . haven't heard back from the interview I had a couple weeks ago.

In sadder news, my beloved Grandma passed away last Tuesday.  I mentioned her in a previous post, and how R and I (and my grandpa) visited her in the nursing facility before leaving Eugene.  We held hands the entire visit, and she was relatively coherent, even making a joke and laughing a few times.  I am so grateful for that last time together.

One funny aspect of the visit: she kept asking where we were going to live after we were married!  It was cute.  I don't mind that she thought we were getting married, as she always wanted that for me and it might have made her happy.

I knew her time was limited and it had been a year or two since she had really been herself, able to carry on the level of connected conversation we had always shared.  In a way, I did lose her gradually, but it still never prepares you for someone actually passing away.

I was always her "favorite" and she was always my "special person," who knew, loved, and accepted me unconditionally.  We shared so many special times together, from crafts and cookies, to Christmas trees and caroling.  She had unending patience for playing dolls and games with me, and later we shared innumerable deep conversations about life and love and family.

After losing my mother at age four, my grandmother really was the only mother-type figure in my life, and no one can ever take her place.  She will always be in my heart and will live on in me and who I am and will become.  The day she passed away, a "paradise" finch with a beautiful red head and throat visited me twice: once in the morning and again in the afternoon.  I had never seen this bird in our yard before, and it may sound crazy, but I believe my grandmother was with me at these times.

Regarding R, after a few days of talking very little, we have had several good conversations.  We agreed that I would be more sensitive or flexible about bringing up and talking about issues between us, and he would be more forthcoming with his big picture thoughts before making decisions.

We experienced "Sky.pe" together, which was a lot of fun (very different level of connection).

I have had periods of doubt and anxiety, wondering whether our differences are surmountable, and whether he is willing or able to build/maintain the level of emotional intimacy that I desire.  And whether he values self examination and growth, maybe not to the same degree, but at least to some extent.  The way he withdrew after our conflict in Washington is definitely of concern to me, though he later said that was extreme and not typical behavior.

Time will tell, I guess.  I love him.  He loves me.  But we know that is not necessarily enough.

I am glad I don't have plans tomorrow.  I want to spend some time reflecting and reading.  Then dancing on Sunday.  My running discipline has continued on Monday, Wednesday, Fridays, so I feel positive about that.  Hope you all have a good weekend.

Wedding Prep and 7-11 Run or "Just Breathe"

My brother's wedding is in 11 days and I am NOT ready for it.  The dress I ordered at the end of January has still not arrived, and when I finally got ahold of someone at the online store yesterday they informed me that it was highly unlikely it would arrive prior to my departure date next Wednesday.

Aaargh!  Then why did your system let me place the order with an event date for which you could not deliver?  She said she would pass on the information to a manager and they would get back to me, but I'm not holding my breath.

The good news is that since I am the only "groomswoman,"  I could wear something slightly different and it wouldn't make that much of an impact; and I know my brother doesn't really care because he told me so.  I have already contacted local reps at Nord.strom who are researching alternative strapless black bridesmaid-type dresses.  Wish me luck!

In addition, I feel as one of the sister's of the groom I should make at least one speech. . .something I want to do because I love my brother, but which also makes me nervous!  I haven't thought anything through yet and need to focus on this task asap, as well as rehearsing for a (shortened) poem reading I will deliver during the ceremony.

My brother's fiance chose the poem by Sandol Stoddard Warburg, the several-stanza longer version can be found here (she cut the throwing up and broken arm part for some reason).  What do you think?  My brother likens it to a children's book, and I can see why.  I've heard it before and actually like it, though it's longer than I would prefer.  To feel comfortable, I'm thinking I should read it through at least 25 times, which averages 2+ times per day until the wedding.  Message to self: "Get on it, Kristina!!!"

R's presence at the wedding will be a stabilizing and comforting thing for me.  He is now coming Friday and will attend the rehearsal dinner, as well as the wedding.

He will meet my family (and distract me from potential sadness around my father).  He will stand by me, sit next to me, and dance with me.  He will be MY date, my partner throughout the weekend events, which will significantly enrich my experience and increase the fun.  My sister's wedding sort of sucked for me in many ways due to the absence of said partner - but that is another story.

Obviously, this is my brother's special day, and my focus will be on being there for him in any way I can.  I actually hope and believe that R will help me do a better job in that role.

Maybe due to the wedding or maybe due to the possibilities floating around out there of significant life change on the horizon, my anxiety level has been fairly high the last couple of days.  My spontaneous trip to 7-11 and the fiery Chex Mix and Skor bar I consumed lend evidence to this fact!  I am actually looking forward to going running today so expel some of that excess energy.

And I realized yesterday that I can choose to release control over how a situation or conversation unfolds and just focus on breathing and staying open.  It felt good to succeed in achieving that goal.

Impending Arrival

Today is the day.  R arrives at 7:30 this evening.  I feel like this blog has become very focused on this situation but honestly it's the main thing on my mind lately!

My hopes for this visit include:  noticing how it feels to be around one another now; exploring past and present experiences more fully in-person; discovering whether we have any potential for a future with one another-similar goals and enough in common etc.; and having fun!  I feel excited.

The common goal most in question came up a couple days ago.  I had mentioned there was a big topic I wanted to talk about when he was here and of course, as anyone including me would do, he started thinking a lot about it and guessed correctly.  I felt really vulnerable, even though he did not react badly, just said he thought we should talk about it in person and that he had some things to say about it.

The next morning we talked on the phone, and I was surprised at a wave of sadness that came over me.  We talked about it and at first I blurted out that if he didn't want to come that was okay, we could take a huge step back, that I didn't feel good about talking about it and it was too early but partly I brought it up because of some of the serious things he had said so it was his fault too.  Yeah, did I mention I was feeling vulnerable?  sheesh!

He was cute and asked, "You don't want me to come?" in a sad way.  I admitted it was a reaction to thinking of HIS reaction and that he might be freaking out.  He said no he wasn't and encouraged me to talk to him if I have these thoughts instead of letting them build and that we should have a rule that we have to do that.  Cute.  I felt happy and warm to hear this and we got of the phone in a good place, refocused on the visit seeing how things are between us.  So anyway, I am looking forward to his arrival and will let you all know how things go.

In other, less compelling news, I went to my Interplay Theatre class last night and had a fabulous time. Big group of people, many different exercises and partner matches.  Lots of movement and movement paired with short story telling.  My body and soul feel happier when I leave.

Also, I am going running for the seventh time (yes I am counting) this afternoon.  Thanks again to R and my brother's wedding providing motivational energy.  I can't tell a huge difference yet but I do feel more toned, which will hopefully translate into a bit more confidence for the big meeting tonight!

Bullets and Blue Sky

I think I will indulge in my first "bulleted list" post, as that is my mood.  A few updates:

1. Valentine's Day was pleasant and relatively uneventful.  Went on a walk, then ate pizza with my platonic male housemate, watched some TV, then talked to R until 1a.m.  Really fun and relaxed conversation, which left me feeling closer to him.
2. One other Valentine's activity: making cut out Valentine for my Interplay theatre teacher.  I let my inner child come out and play and had a fabulous time with the decorative paper, fancy scissors, and glue stick. Yay!  Need to do this more often.  Had everyone in class sign it last night and delivered to her at closing circle.  She said she hadn't gotten a Valentine in a long time, which made it all the more fun.
3. Conversations between R and I have definitely shifted from majority processing to majority getting to know each other and sharing feelings.  In one conversation when I suggested we share our intentions for the visit, he busted out with, "Well, I hope that everything goes well and we end up finding a way to be together."  or something like that.  Intense!  One the one hand, I like knowing he wants that outcome, and on the other hand it's a little scary.  Over time, I have come to mistrust immediate intensity (and he is part of that mistrust!), so even though we have years of previous history, I am really trying to keep to the "one step at a time" approach.  But I can't deny that feelings are growing on both sides the more we talk.
4. His visit has fueled my motivation to get in better shape.  I would like to lose 15-20 pounds.  Do you think this is possible in two weeks?  haha  But I figure I can make a bit of headway and feel a little more toned.  So I have been doing sit-ups and stretching every day and went running for the fourth time yesterday.  I already feel a difference, though a girl at my Sunday dance group said she couldn't see any change. :(
5. Received relief-giving news yesterday when I FINALLY got ahold of the Employment Development Department and a lovely man informed me I am eligible for unemployment extensions until July, at which point I need to reapply. . .and would then likely receive continuing benefits.  Now believe me, unemployment compensation is not cushy income (I don't think it should be), and I am barely getting by.  I definitely intend to find a new job asap, both for the purpose of feeling productive and purposeful and for the more adequate income/health benefits, but it is a relief to know my safety net will not give way when this extension ends in a couple of weeks.

That's all the excitement for now.  That and we just had a huge hailstorm, leading to sun and blue sky.  Hoping that this week does not drag on and on and on. . .