Hoping, Hoping, Hoping

I'm borrowing last year's prompt for today: "What do you hope happens by the end of this year?"

First of all, I can't believe it's almost the end of November! I think you know you're getting older when time starts going faster. On the other hand, I think time generally goes faster heading into fall because there seem to be a lot of events, and people are trying to cram goals and activities in before the holidays arrive, especially Christmas season, which pretty much starts in a couple of weeks. Ach! If I want to make some of my gifts, I better get on it! But I digress...

By the end of this year, I hope to have my home in good shape to accept an adoption placement, and I hope to have my online profile created, which is a collaborative effort between me and whoever my social worker may be. I don't know if this is realistic, but that's what I hope. I cleaned my bedroom closet today, got rid of a couple of boxes, and did several loads of laundry, which seemed like a step in the right direction.

I would have thought I might have heard from the agency and have scheduled the social worker interview by now. I sent an email inquiry week before last and received this response:

  

"Thank you for the check in. At this point your file is being reviewed by the program supervisor, who will assign you to a social worker. I do not have a timeline on when you will be assigned to a social worker and start the interviews. We will update you once you have a social worker assigned! In the meantime, please keep working on any remaining paperwork and/or start preparing your house for the walk through."

Basically, "Be patient and quite bothering us!"

The other change I hope happens by the end of the year, is to have joined or be close to joining a business referral networking group, likely a BNI chapter, be receiving the higher amount per check from the non-profit for additional hours, and possibly have applied for a secured loan - all amounting to an increase in financial stability. I know I will start my new schedule the week of December 1st and have reached out to local BNI groups expressing interest and visited one last week. I'm not sure if I should apply for the secured loan now or in a month or two when I have increased monthly income.

The wild card is possibly landing a higher paying part-time job, which has it's pros and cons but would definitely help financially. I have applied and continue to apply for these, though it grows wearisome.

So those are my hopes for the next six weeks. May the wind be at my back, and at yours!

Don't Wanna Be Fear's B*tch

In a bit of a tailspin about the job search process right now. . .

On the cusp of this full-time federally-funded case manager job opportunity, and fear is taking me for a ride.  On the one hand, I'm afraid of going through the big FAIL again, hearkening back to my last, similarly funded job: the lack of support, the unexpected new grant tripling my caseload, and the escalating nightmare in which I felt unable to succeed.

And on the other hand, I'm afraid of losing equanimity; spiraling into chaos and exhaustion with a full-time job plus a longer commute.  I don't think the latter fear would be as strong if this job wasn't federally-funded and, as they admitted in the second interview today, 50 - 60% detail-oriented paperwork and reporting tasks.

It turns out this job also has a caseload of 80 - 100 clients.  Granted, they would be adults versus youth and likely much more self-motivated and self-aware, but still I imagine that the career counseling/development process would necessarily be less deep with those kind of numbers.

I have a couple other potential opportunities: as a part-time case manager with a green job training/education organization; and as a part-time career exploration class facilitator for junior high school students (funded through a local community college).

A well-paying part-time job could be a building block to creating multiple income streams, which has been my long-term vision for over 15 years.  I've imagined these income streams including career counseling clients, writing a book/e-book/workbook, teaching a class(es), and co-producing social change theatre/dance projects.

Multiple income streams could potentially create more stability/independence, flexibility, and also more excitement.  I feel like I've lost myself for years at a time in previous jobs, then come out the other side wondering where all the time went.

Maybe because these jobs were not a great fit, but they seemed to suck my lifeforce and leave me with little energy for anything else of substance.  Sounds so dramatic, ha!  Anyway, I'm trying to wrestle with all this and not just react from the fear.

On the relationship front, sh/cm and I are talking a lot and growing closer.  Can't remember if I shared that he came with me to my ecstatic dance group a week ago last Sunday.  So sweet and endearing when someone goes outside their comfort zone for you.

Also really appreciating sharing a non-violent communication familiarity and using this tool on a regular basis.  It makes a big difference when both people are on board, believe me!

When we're together, those waves of strong feeling will wash over me and there's more of a sense that he is "mine."  I changed my Face.book status and received nice comments and lots of "likes."  Silly, but it made me happy.

I think I will write about my distancing pattern in more detail sometime in the near future, because I would like to hear your thoughts and experiences.  It has been such a torment to me over the years.  I told sh/cm that if I could cut off a finger and be rid of it, I would.  Disturbing, but true.

But overall, the way we deal with it together is reassuring, and we seem to keep getting to the other side and feeling closer.

On a lighter note, I'm looking forward to making banana bread tomorrow with a bunch of aging bananas we have in the fridge.

And going running first (in the morning as it's going to be a scorching day) to burn off the banana bread calories, as well as the Taco Be.ll taco salad I devoured this afternoon!

Making the Most of Freedom

I was thinking today about how I may have one month left of unemployment until I potentially start working full time in July.  This is assuming the best case scenario that I will be hired by the cool manager of the One Stop Career Center I interviewed with last Tuesday.  It's funny how having a limited quantity of something can somehow make you appreciate it more and become more conscious with how you are using it.

When I first became unemployed, I did have that sense of freedom that can come with a rare block of open time, like a vacation.  But those of you who have been unemployed or not worked for a longer period of time can perhaps attest - I hope I'm not the only one! - that something shifts after a while, and you naturally tend toward creating a somewhat regular (less than exciting) routine.

My routine has generally looked like:

8 a.m. - 10 a.m. - Awaken, morning routine (dressed, take medicine, make coffee), read and respond to email, write in journal and map out specifics of day, eat light breakfast and talk to housemate.

10 a.m. - 1 p.m. - Go running or go walk the dog I walk three days a week.  Sometimes volunteer for a couple of hours at the local Interplay office (in exchange for free classes).  Shower and make lunch.

1 p.m. - 2 p.m. - Watch my soap opera.  lol  A guilty, inane pleasure that breaks up the day. . .

2 p.m. - 5 p.m. - If it's nice out, read a book/look at email and blogs on the deck for a while.  Do job search and apply for jobs.  Make necessary phone calls.  Run errands.

5 - 8 p.m. - Cook dinner, eat dinner, talk to housemate, computer stuff.  If have evening activity, attend that (community meeting, Interplay theatre, NVC group, etc.)

8 - 11 p.m. - Watch movie and or TV, computer stuff, stretching/yoga, sometimes reading.

Zzzzzzzzz.  Wake up!  Yeah, it's pretty boring stuff.  Of course, there is the occasional interview in there, or a walk around the lake/happy hour with a friend, maybe a hike.  I have done quite a few self and career exploration/personal growth activities.  But generally, that's the weekday flow.  My need for external motivation haunts me.

Yes, I've had a few specific accomplishments about which I feel good:

• Several coaching sessions and greater clarity about my career path 
• Three trips to Oregon to see family and meaningfully participate in my brother's wedding and grandma's memorial
• Starting and maintaining this blog
• Initiating a running routine and losing weight 
• Reconnecting with an old flame, processing the past, and having a short relationship, which demonstrated we should not be in relationship 
• Obtaining a really excellent tan. . .

Yet, I can't help but question:  Why haven't I been more motivated to take more full advantage of this time?

Which bring me to the present and the sudden possibility of this phase of abundant freedom coming to an end.  What more can I do in this next month to take full advantage of this gift before it runs out?

Maybe. . . . I could:

• Take a beginning drawing class - low cost or for trade
• Spend a lot of time with sound healing/chocolate man doing interesting, fun dating stuff
• Actually break out all my new paper crafting tools my mom gifted me for Christmas and make something fabulous.  Any ideas?  Again the curse of needing external motivation. . .
• Choreograph a dance because I love to choreograph.  Offer to teach it to some friends for fun.
• Go on at least one "Artist Date" (from the Artist's Way) a week, like visiting local galleries and museums, painting pottery, or seeing a dance/theatre show.
• Go up to Oregon yet again to spend a few days with family, most especially my brother, niece and nephew, and grandpa. 
• Commit to finish all the development-focused books I started on: career assessment, emotional health/intimacy in relationship, and non-violent communication.
• Choose to master a skill that will help me in my career and find resources to help me master it.  Possibilities include basic website design, graphic design, time management, learning about a couple of new career assessment tools, or ?.  Btw, would you be willing to share your time management system or program/resource, if it is working well for you?

What do you vote for?  Anything not on the list that should be?

The Clearer the Vision. . .

Reflective Questions from a Mid-Life Career Article for Women on the Psychology Today website.  What would your answers be?  You are invited to answer in the comments section.  Maybe the clearer the vision, the closer the reality. . .

• What do I feel I should have done by this time in my life?

Gotten married and had a baby.  Have a big savings account.  Own a house/condo.  Be more "established" and have higher status in my career.

• Is there something more important and fulfilling that I can focus on now?

Not really.  I am focusing on the dating/baby thing as best I can.  Okay, well, I could focus more on having more discipline and integrating more structured spiritual practices and learning events.  Spending more time in nature.  

Initiating creative craft and/or choreography projects, possibly set goals? (maybe research classes at community centers and on the online community trade site. Ask artist/dance friends for ideas)

• What do I want more of in my life? 

Sex!  haha  But true!

Family-focused time/activities like exploring, playing, planning, setting mutual goals and working together to accomplish, creating and dancing together, gardening, shared spiritual practice, personal growth.  Being parent (s).  Imagine everything will be more fun and meaningful when we do things as a family (whatever my family looks like).  

Using my greatest gifts in my work and experiencing mutual appreciation/recognition with those I work for and with. Having a sense of accomplishment and that I am making an appreciable difference towards sustainability/ localization/ conscious evolution.