End of NaBlaPoMo and My Word for 2017 (and 2016)

Final November prompt for NaBloPoMo: "Have you chosen a word of the year for yourself for 2017? What is it? If not, what words would you consider?" When I first read this, I thought this year for some reason so started writing about that. So first I will share my word(s) for 2016:

First, a stream of consciousness word jumble to brainstorm:

 S, colon cancer, NVC, not again, car wreck, totaled, insurance, new used car, EOL pod, financial coaching, business growth, ups and downs, reunion, rekindled hope, fundraising, donor embryo, niece, pen pal, Oregon, ceramics, housemate search, new housemate, relief, new job, belonging, appreciation, laughter, Halloween, unicorn, too.many.interviews, rejection, questioning, lessons learned, business plan?, Thanksgiving from planet meh, love my dog, foster adoption training, home study, new connections, refocus on BNI, ready for December holidays, trip home, avalanches of abundance.

Narrowing to three: ups and downs; rekindled hope; and too.many.interviews.

Narrowing to one: REKINDLED HOPE. These words relate to becoming a mom and they are core to my purpose and the fire that fuels my drive forward in life.

And finally, the true prompt, my word for 2017... what do I want to welcome into my life in the new year: FAMILY. My own family - that's it. Inherent in that word is home, stability, and love. Yes!

Thanks for reading along with my 29 posts this month. I feel good about this accomplishment! And look forward to staying in touch with several new bloggers. Happy (in 5 minutes on the West Coast) December!

Doctor Trips from Hell

Two more posts, then I'm not posting for all of December. Just kidding! But I probably will take a few days break. I'm going with the prompt for today: "What was your most embarrassing or scary trip to the doctor?"

Oh goody, let's go back and relive a medical trauma.

Sorry for the dark humor. I tend to have some anxiety around doctor visits because of my history of losing my mom, but as I think about it, that anxiety has lessened with all the fertility visits, tests, and procedures I have had in the past few years.

Okay, brace yourself, two doctor's trips have come to mind. The first, I got the flu. Initially, I didn't know it was the flu. It was in December maybe six or seven years ago when I was living in Central California, and I had a couple glasses of wine earlier in the evening and made cookies. It seems like I ate a weird potentially stomach-unsettling dinner that night, too.

So, I thought, it might be because I'd thrown this combination at my stomach, but it soon became very scary and out of control and I knew it was more than an upset stomach. I felt so nauseous I couldn't sit up. I just lay on the ground in-between vomiting, etc. I felt like I was going to pass out and started to worry that, since I lived alone, no one would know and I would die here alone, on the ground, in a compromising position in my pajamas.

I think we have a merciful memory system that erases the worst ones because I can't exactly remember how it felt, I just remember being so sick and out of it and afraid I would die alone. So, I called the ambulance. So embarrassing but I was too sick to care much as several firefighters traipsed into my modest, messy house and scooped me off the floor and onto a gurney. I remember they were so nice and reassuring, not rude or aloof, at all. I really appreciated that, though I was barely conscious. It felt soothing.

But. then. I was dropped off at the ER only to be considered lower priority than people who were bleeding out - the gall of it! - and lying there writhing in discomfort, feverish head ache, and nauseousness, until hours later they were able to get to me. Once they finally put those anti-nausea meds in the IV, sweet relief. I was re-hydrated, given the good meds and sent home. My only ambulance/ER story, knock on wood. Fun stuff.

The other story is much shorter. Basically, this creepy, mumbly old-school doctor who I was seeing for the first time for a routine check-up (not gynecological) required by K@iser for some reason, without warning mind you, put his finger up my butt. Yeah, that's not normal. No doctor has every done that before, outside of maybe a gynecological exam. You do that at other exams, sure, like a colon exam or something, but this was not that. And the fact that he didn't even let me know what was going to happen, no heads up, just kind of made his move and stuck it up there. Ach! Not okay.

Sorry, I warned you to brace yourself. Needless to say, I made sure to never see that doctor again. But to add insult to injury, for some reason his name was on all my prescriptions for a while because I guess he was still listed in the system as my primary care doctor. Finally, I got him removed from my account, and try not to think of it. Thanks, NaBloPoMo.  Just kidding. It's kind of funny now.

There are a couple fertility procedures that were super uncomfortable, but I'll spare you those in this post. You're welcome.

See you tomorrow for the last day of November and the last day of this month-long every day blogging journey!

Noticings from NaBloPoMo

The month of November is almost over, and I have written a post every day but one. I am, indeed, ready to be done! Along the way and looking back, I have noticed a few differences in both the content and blogging experience when I am writing every day, and I would like to record these differences for posterity and future reference:

1. When I write every day, I am more likely to focus in more depth on one experience or topic. I'm not so "bursting at the seams" with multiple experiences to share, like I am when I write weekly or so. There is satisfaction in exploring a topic more thoroughly and spaciously.
2. I was positively influenced to integrate more visual images. I normally only do this on special occasions or holidays, but when all our posts showed up in the FB feed, I wanted mine to have a cool picture, too! And it was kinda fun searching for the right one...
3. The month went pretty quickly, and I am proud I stuck with it.
4. Looking at a lineup of other blogger's posts (on blogs I'd never read before), it was interesting to see which ones I was drawn to. The topic either related to a specific interest I hold - like a post with stories of how pet owners had met their pets, or one related to marital/relationship dynamics - or it was a personally meaningful or vulnerable sharing post, like some of the election fears or a relationship issue.

I am now following a few new blogs and look forward to weaving some of my insights into future choices around blog content and posting frequency. Though, to be honest, I don't see myself ever moving away from using my blog as a place to process my feelings and share challenges and celebrations. It has been, and will continue to be, very valuable to share my life at a personal level and participate in the community I am part of now.

The Time Rage Got the Best of Me

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone! I hope you enjoy the day whatever you're doing and whomever you are, or are not, with. Special shout out to the single ladies away from family today; may the day be fun for you in non-traditional ways!

NaBloPoMo prompt for today: Have you ever rage-quit a job?

Not exactly. Well, not in a dramatic, say something rageful and inappropriate, then storm out the door kind of way.  But I did have a rage moment a few weeks back at a meet-up group I host... As background, I didn't advertise it well or early enough, plus a few people didn't show up. Sidenote: why do we do this? because I do this too, sometimes, i.e. sign up for an event, then bail shortly before it happens. I try to remember to change my r.s.v.p. but admit I don't always do so. So frustrating for the event planner. In any case, this led to meeting with just one person that night.

As fate had it, the restaurant we normally meet in had a band playing that night, so it was loud and I had to advocate and follow-up with the manager to get a table. While I was waiting, I had a glass of wine. So, I wasn't in the best mood, and I'd been drinking. I'd like to think that's why I became emotionally reactive. It WAS annoying and tiresome, but not worth the reaction I had.

What happened? Well, the one person who came jumped right into telling me her entire career story and talked non-stop for about 15 minutes (fine and even welcomed for a counseling appointment but a free meet-up event at a restaurant, not so welcome), until I finally interjected and said I wanted to suggest an activity, as well as explain my role in leading the meet-up and get business stuff out of the way, such as a sign-up sheet and collecting a small donation to cover costs of the meet-up.

I had barely finished my sentence, when she went into a tirade about how it didn't say anything about the meet-up costing anything (I double-checked later to confirm that I did in fact mention a donation would be requested to cover costs) and that maybe she would understand it if we were meeting in a rented space, or something, but in this case she didn't understand what she's paying for, that it wasn't worth it.

At this point, to put it lightly, my temperature rose. My thoughts were that I have a graduate degree and over 12 years experience in the career counseling field, and it takes effort and time to plan and facilitate these monthly events, plus paying monthly dues. I do benefit by sometimes connecting with a new client but not always. So, the fact that she felt entitled to waltz in and get free career counseling and take advantage of meet-up benefits without contributing at all really made me mad, and at some level maybe offended me or hurt my feelings. And not only not contributing - we've all been short on money at times and I would have totally given her a pass - but she lamented that the experience was not "worth" even a few dollars.

I think part of my anger was because I've made huge strides in my business over the last year or two in valuing my time, and other coaches and professionals time, as well. I guess I do believe in that value now, which is the silver lining on this story - recognizing that I really do value my time and counseling skills and believe I should be paid fairly.

To finish the story, I said that yes, it was in the event description, then told her I actually felt offended that she said the only value was in renting a space, and not the content, time, and effort, etc. She continued to argue. I stopped her and said I did not want to argue, that I wished her lots of good luck in her career and hoped that sharing her story tonight was helpful for her, and excused myself.

In retrospect, I think I did not need to take it personally and it wasn't a huge deal in the big picture, but I'm not sorry I left versus spending another hour listening to and helping a woman who wasn't appreciative.

Returning to gratitude...I'm thankful that experience is over and I learned from it and thankful for all the good things in my life right now: my sweet dog, Zoey; my health; my great work environment and ability to contribute at the non-profit; doing interesting, fun, and meaningful work with my clients; my planned trip to Oregon to see family over Christmas; my family and nieces and nephew; and my excitement and hope for building a family in the near future. Now off to have a Thanksgiving cocktail!

Hoping, Hoping, Hoping

I'm borrowing last year's prompt for today: "What do you hope happens by the end of this year?"

First of all, I can't believe it's almost the end of November! I think you know you're getting older when time starts going faster. On the other hand, I think time generally goes faster heading into fall because there seem to be a lot of events, and people are trying to cram goals and activities in before the holidays arrive, especially Christmas season, which pretty much starts in a couple of weeks. Ach! If I want to make some of my gifts, I better get on it! But I digress...

By the end of this year, I hope to have my home in good shape to accept an adoption placement, and I hope to have my online profile created, which is a collaborative effort between me and whoever my social worker may be. I don't know if this is realistic, but that's what I hope. I cleaned my bedroom closet today, got rid of a couple of boxes, and did several loads of laundry, which seemed like a step in the right direction.

I would have thought I might have heard from the agency and have scheduled the social worker interview by now. I sent an email inquiry week before last and received this response:

  

"Thank you for the check in. At this point your file is being reviewed by the program supervisor, who will assign you to a social worker. I do not have a timeline on when you will be assigned to a social worker and start the interviews. We will update you once you have a social worker assigned! In the meantime, please keep working on any remaining paperwork and/or start preparing your house for the walk through."

Basically, "Be patient and quite bothering us!"

The other change I hope happens by the end of the year, is to have joined or be close to joining a business referral networking group, likely a BNI chapter, be receiving the higher amount per check from the non-profit for additional hours, and possibly have applied for a secured loan - all amounting to an increase in financial stability. I know I will start my new schedule the week of December 1st and have reached out to local BNI groups expressing interest and visited one last week. I'm not sure if I should apply for the secured loan now or in a month or two when I have increased monthly income.

The wild card is possibly landing a higher paying part-time job, which has it's pros and cons but would definitely help financially. I have applied and continue to apply for these, though it grows wearisome.

So those are my hopes for the next six weeks. May the wind be at my back, and at yours!

Starting the weekend on a positive note...

Quick positive post heading into the weekend... My housemate is out of town until Tuesday so looking forward to having the house to myself for a few days. I might make a yummy brunch tomorrow, do some business stuff and work out in the afternoon, then have a fun evening out at the chorale concert.

Plus, my supervisor brought up adding 2-3 more hours per week to my schedule today starting in December, since I have been so busy lately. Not a lot, but still helpful. She and the office manager know my plans to adopt, which I think is a positive for job security and more hours since we get along well and they seemed excited for me.

Thanksgiving and Money

 I missed my first day of NaBloPoMo posting in November. I didn't meant to. I was in bed late last night looking for a meme that spoke about money and it's role in life, but I got distracted, then so tired I forgot I hadn't posted yet. Ah well. I'm getting back on the horse.

I don't have plans for Thanksgiving. This makes me feel really Lame, with a capital L. I do have some plans for the holiday weekend. My friend and former housemate, K, will be in the East Bay (he lives in Sacramento) with his wife and new baby, and we plan to get together Friday afternoon. I may connect with another single friend, and my housemate may be around. We'll see. Us single ladies can have an awkward time around these holidays, as I've lamented before. It's like you have a feeling about what you "should" be doing but there's no one to do it with; basically, no family to do it for. Especially us single lady introverts who don't have armies of friends jockeying to have us over. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. If I really felt strongly,  I would have made more of an effort to find a place to go or created an "orphans gathering" myself, but I didn't feel like doing that kind of marketing and outreach. I'm doing plenty of marketing and outreach right now for my business!

This Saturday, S invited me to go to dinner and a choral performance to watch one of his co-workers sing in his choral group. We went together last year and had a good time. We had an interesting conversation a couple of days ago, continuing to discuss whether we can be "just friends" and what that would look like, considering he's dating another one of his exes already. I mentioned before that I feel okay about that, mainly because I'm so very clear about us not being right for each other in the long term. But I don't want to be sketchy and enable his less than forthright activities, i.e. seeing who he wants to see, knowing she wouldn't like it but not telling her. I asked him if he felt okay doing this in the context of his relationship, and he said yes. He piqued my interest by saying he wanted to "explain one probably puzzling aspect of our time together." No idea to what he is referring, but I'm curious. This may be the last time we see each other, at least for a while, but I admit to looking forward to it for the fun and conversation.

I want to end by sharing a crazy thing that happened to me today, something that felt like God or fate smiling down on me in a most unexpected and abundant way. So, I'm not proud to admit I overdrew my account and then had some mistakes cause an accumulation of several fees. These included two Am@zon charges for services I didn't order, S forgetting to switch a credit card at the gym, and then a couple auto payments coming through with bad timing. In any case, I called to plead my case about the mistakes a couple of days ago and was treated rudely. It drives me crazy when customer service folks don't treat you like a human being and genuinely listen, but instead robotically recite policies at you, repeating them as if you were a child. In any case, I got really frustrated and posted a negative comment on the bank's FB page. Well, within minutes, I got a comment and a voicemail from someone at the bank asking to talk with me about my concerns. Today, we talked and I felt like I was strolling down the yellow brick road. It was surreal. She was super understanding, listened and empathized, and, in the end reversed ALL the fees I had received, including several from earlier in the year. It was like getting a new client, but I didn't have to do any work. Feeling lots of amazement and gratitude for that one.

Me in 2016

NaBloPoMo prompt for today: "What was it like to be you in 2016?"

Let's see... in the first part of the year, it was stressful, lonely, and painful as my relationship with S hit the rocks again.

In early Spring, it was surviving another breakup, my car being totaled, buying a new-to-me car and beginning a housemate search.



Spring/Early Summer, feeling renewed energy and focus on becoming a mom and raising funds towards that end. Experiencing great relief as my bitter, caustic housemate moved out, leaving me on my own in the house for a couple of months. Ahhhh


July and August, finding a fabulous new dog-loving housemate (yay!) and having fun reconnecting at a reunion with high school chums in Oregon. Then, finally experiencing a true sense of belonging, acceptance, and support at work in a new non-profit job.


 Late Summer/Fall, growing weary interviewing for higher-paying part-time positions, learning lessons and continuing to work with clients and build my career counseling business. Wrapping my head around pursuing adoption and completing more paperwork and yet another training. Halloween hoopla with housemate...

November, swept up in NaBloPoMo, expanding my blogroll and developing my writing muscles and discipline. Haven't missed a day yet! Looking forward to the holidays, even though I don't have any plans for Thanksgiving. Envisioning another Oregon Christmas!

Dreaming of a Personal Assistant

I'm less than inspired tonight on my own, so I'm referencing the NaBloPoMo prompt from November 12th last year... "If you had a personal assistant who would do your most dreaded tasks, which items from your to-do list would you assign out?"

Just thinking about this makes me sooo happy. I have dreamed of a personal assistant for many years now. I am not detail-oriented, and tracking all of the marketing and billing tasks, keeping multiple administrative balls in the air at all times, is definitely not my jam. Here are some items I would jump for joy to delegate to an assistant:

• Once I choose the theme for my newsletter, sorting through my google alerts for relevant articles and sending them to me as a group.
• Tracking when social media posts, newsletters, event announcements and reminders should go out and working with me to assure content is ready.
• Billing clients and following up, as needed.
• Reminding clients of appointments and tracking when counseling packages are close to being completed, prompting me to talk with them about finishing our work together or signing for another package.
• Ideally, they would have some financial reporting experience, so that they could help me analyze my financial and client data and make more sound business decisions, as well as plan activities and sales efforts effectively.
• Making client calls, as needed, to follow-up with a special offer or event invitation, and book consultations and appointments, etc.
• Assist with event planning: book the space, contact and pay any vendors or speakers, help with staffing and materials, and assist at the actual event.

That was so fun! I know that having a personal assistant would help my business grow, and I work better with catalysts and deadlines and partnership accountability. Some day in the not too distant future, fingers crossed!

The Whole-Brain Child

On the advice of my foster care/adoption class facilitator, I'm currently reading, The Whole-Brain Child, and learning about how parents can help a child, especially those that have experienced trauma or neglect, connect the right side of their brain to the left, and the bottom half to the top.  They do mention that the latter can be especially challenging for kids in general because their frontal cortex' are not fully developed, so parents should try to maintain developmentally appropriate expectations.

The authors share some helpful catch phrases to remember concepts, like "name it (an emotion) to tame it," but there is a lot of scientific information to take in. I won't remember it all, but I can imagine referring back to the book as needed. They give a lot of examples, which help the ideas come to life. I have always intuitively felt the value of telling our life stories, but who knew it played such a powerful role in the brain?

I'll admit that while reading strategies and stories from the book, I've flashed back several times to my own childhood and how my father often handled emotionally fraught situations in the exact opposite way than what they recommend. He was, shall we say, empathically challenged. I wish he had - and was willing to follow - this book!

Luckily, our brains can generate these pathways of connection at any age and heal from negative experiences and trauma.  I've done a lot of healing in my life - interestingly, I can remember telling the story of the night my mom died many times in my life - and can see how further healing might happen as a parent when I handle emotional situations with my child in a more skillful way.

Creative Catalyst

The prompt for today is about whether you commemorate or celebrate a divorce or significant breakup. I don't do that sooo, I'll share that I led a mini-workshop this evening about conquering fears and doubts and creating your dream career. Extremely small, like one person, lol.  I had three but one had a friend pass away and another got stuck at work. 

I'm glad I went through with it, though, because it catalyzed me to synthesize and better articulate some of the guidance and activities I've been sharing with clients over the last year. I have three or four solid tools or processes I recommend for when people get emotionally triggered, when they get stuck in cycles of judgment and negative self-talk, and when they are in conflict with part of themselves or with others. I've learned and collected these tools over many years of my own self and career development and then work with clients. 

I'm excited because I can see this content expanding and solidifying into substantial curriculum for a group program. So, even though I did not gain clients from this workshop, it was super valuable in other ways. 

I'm also happy heading into tomorrow because it's a holiday and I'm going to do some business catch-up and apply for an interesting part-time job close to home, but mostly putter around, walk the dog, read my book, and take it easy. 

Boo

What does it mean? So very disappointed in our election outcome. As a woman, I was excited about that ceiling being broken. But beyond that, I'm worried about our country's ship staying afloat, so to speak. I understand his appeal as a celebrity and the desire to shake things up and get things done. But he has so little experience and speaks in such an inflammatory way. If he really believes some of the things he's said, God help us.

I will settle in right here, thanks

I'm continuing to find myself in that place where I'm enjoying my work overall, both at the non-profit and in my business, but the finances are not measuring up. I am usually very resilient after applying for jobs and not getting them, especially when I land an interview, which is a positive affirmation. But I guess I've had just one too many of these experiences in the last two or three months, and I'm feeling vulnerable and reticent to continue applying for these kinds of positions (college counseling). I'd like to just rest for a bit, settle in, and work hard at the two jobs I do have - in my business, especially. Alas, my monthly expenses are currently exceeding my income by an unsustainable level.

I was thinking about what might make this situation work. If I were able to raise my average monthly business income by $500, which would involve maintaining a client load of 12 and bringing on 2-3 new clients each month, this would go a long way. I think my current outreach through meetup and periodic workshops, plus joining a local networking/referral group again (that is already off the ground, this time!) would support this model. I did learn the hard way, as I shared on this blog, that finding clients with whom I work well and am aligned in terms of style and values is crucial. The last thing I want to spend energy on is arguing about business policies or protecting myself from verbal berating.

Also, I think a key aspect of a sustainable business plan is extending the shortest time I will work with people (two months is never enough time, unless the person just wants support applying for jobs, and that's not really my target niche) and, in the new year, prioritizing creating videos and other content offerings of value to add another income stream and/or increase the value of my counseling packages.

Sorry for this dry post, but it's really helpful to write these thoughts out. I'd appreciate any feedback from business-savvy folks or if anyone has ideas. Feel free to take a look at my website... Oh, and happy voting tomorrow, those in the U.S.! Praying hard over here (and studying my voter guide and online resources - though I'm well decided on my Hillary vote).

Not enough time in the day

Today was so super full, I'm barely getting in this day's post before I shut my eyes… Went to the farmer's market this morning with my housemate, met a friend for a beautiful walk by the bay, had a new client consult, wrote two current clients email summaries of their last sessions. Responded to a bunch of other emails… Blah blah blah. 

Oh, and I also ordered a book that was recommended in my foster adoption training and an awesome new pillow, both using my Amazon gift card from the nonprofit staff appreciation retreat. It's so fun to spend free money. 😊

Lessons from Childhood

I'm going to follow our NaBloPoMo FB page leader's suggestion to use last year's November 5th prompt, since they don't post prompts on weekends. This is a deep one! What is the most important lesson you learned as a child, and who taught it to you?

Some lessons I learned as a child and the teacher's who taught them to me:

• My Dad taught me how to blow my nose. I won't go into the details of that lesson but it's a good one to know! 
• My step-mom taught me how to blow bubbles with gum. Second nature now, but there are quite a few steps to successful bubble blowing! She also taught me how to put a pillowcase on, "like you're putting on it's pants." lol
• My friend Tiffany taught me to whistle with two or four fingers when I was in college and we were attending a women's basketball game. Again, requires skill and it's a talent I've used often and been appreciated for (or not) throughout my life. Thanks, Tiffany!
• My aunt taught me that you don't yell out interesting life lessons you've recently learned in a department store. This lesson came after I proudly shouted, "Uncle Ray has a penis because he's a boy like my Dad!"
• My Grandma taught me that baking cookies and making crafts are fun, cozy activities that show people you love them; a lesson learned over many creative, loving visits to her house, especially over the holidays. I treasure these memories and will pass on this lesson to my child. I love you, Grandma.
• My gymnastics coach taught me that you just have to suck it up and work out through the pain, when I used to get "rips" or open blisters on my palm. He taught this with some humor by rubbing his pointer finger on his thumb and, when I asked what he was doing, saying, "It's the world's smallest violin playing My Heart Bleeds Peanut Butter for You. Very funny, coach, very funny.
• One of the best lessons I learned is to share evening rituals with kids when you tuck them in. My Dad would tell us stories from his childhood (damn good stories, too!), then kiss us goodnight, including eskimo kisses, and say, "I like you and I love you!" before closing the bedroom door. This is one I'd like to continue, but I'm not sure I'll make as good a storyteller as my Dad.

This was fun! Even though I know I cheated telling lots of lessons versus just the most important one. Guess I never learned the lesson, "No cheating." :)

NaBloPoMo 2016: How do I make a bad day better?

I have a lot going on in my life right now, so I thought it would be good timing to take on the NaBloPoMo challenge. Anyone want to join me? Hop on the band wagon and register by November 5th.

I'm thinking some days I will use the writing prompts and other days not... today's is: "When you're having a bad day with your mental health, what do you do to help yourself?"

Today is actually a great example... I'm a Career Counselor, and one of my new clients flipped out on me this afternoon on the phone and really shook me up. I was already feeling anxious and concerned about this client because they had been very closed up and critical in their first session, not giving me much to work with. Then they wrote an email saying they wanted to cancel their session this week and wanted flexibility in scheduling the timing of their sessions going forward.

This isn't my policy and doesn't work for me. I don't think I'm unreasonable. Sessions are scheduled twice a month, and I give an extra month cushion to complete them. I find this beneficial for the client in terms of commitment, continuity, and momentum, and for myself in terms of more predictable business planning and because I offer email coaching, resources, and document review between sessions - a lot of extra time if they just wanted to meet every few weeks. Maybe, to be more clear, I should sell two, three, or four-month counseling packages, versus four, six, and eight-session packages? I have colleagues that do this and am considering it, especially after this experience.

In any case, in explaining these reasons for not just having complete openness and flexibility in when we meet, when I mentioned my own needs being a factor, as well, they flipped into rage on a dime and yelled, "Oh, come ON! That is reDICulous!" I asked them to speak in a calm voice and they kept yelling angrily. Long story short, we got off the phone after I agreed with them that we are likely not a good fit to work together (I do not want to work with them after this experience) and with me offering to trade the last session they were owed for resume review/editing for which we do not have to speak, and asking them to let me know in the next couple of days.

When I got off the phone, my heart was racing, and I felt afraid and kind of sick. It was so out of blue, and I have never experienced this type of intense reaction from a client (at least an adult client). I felt I needed some emotional support, so I went through the options in my head... my siblings were at work and likely not available, my housemate wasn't home, I could have called a couple of friends but hadn't talked to them in a little while so calling for support would feel a bit abrupt. Then, I thought of sharing my feelings and experience with my online FB group, made up of other women bloggers I've known for quite a few years. We were all ttc'ing together and they all have kids now. I hope to join them soon.

My experience of the group is that people are quite responsive. Many of us don't work typical 9-5 schedules and usually at least a few folks are online. Sure enough, within a few minutes, I received a few sympathetic and understanding responses, which felt great, as well as advice. Everyone felt I should just refund them the money for the last session and be done with them. I guess they are probably right, though it doesn't fit my policy and I don't think they "deserve" it. But maybe it's best to cut my losses and move on.

So, that's the way I handled my "bad day with my mental health" today; with help from online friends. On other days, I admit I might lose myself in television or eat some comfort food, but today I had to go meet with another client not long afterwards. Other days, I go work out or play with the dog. Blogging is also actually one of my primary ways of working through difficult emotions and challenges. It's helpful to talk it through, be witnessed, and to hear others' thoughts. I like reading these kind of personal writing/processing blogs, as well. Maybe it's the psychologist in me... and I've always been a more emotional person. I'm an INFP on the Myers-Briggs, if you're familiar with it? NFs tend to be more relationship and feeling-oriented.

Thanks for coming along with me this month! See you tomorrow...

Halfway Through

The wind is whipping away outside, creating a "dark and stormy night" kind of feel to the evening.  I'm halfway through my first intense week.

Tomorrow, I teach again, but I'm going to spend most of the period on an art project.  Do any of you remember making "Coat of Arms" Shields in Middle School?  I still remember this project to this day and can envision it hanging on the teacher's wall during parent night.  I can even remember a couple of the pictures of me at my house and another of me doing gymnastics.  I hope the kids in my classes will share some of my enthusiasm.

Then, I have a couple hours off before going to lead the after-school program at another middle school.  God help me to rally the energy to lead a few games for those unfortunate (to have me as their leader) souls!

Final day of NaBloPoMo.  What did I learn?  That I have trouble with strict discipline.  Yes, most definitely.

Also, that I'm going to keep doing it until I participate fully, including visiting and commenting more on other blogs.  I may not participate next month but will again in the near future.  As mentioned before, I like (and need) the kick in the butt to write frequently!

p.s.  Sh/cm and I had a productive conversation tonight and were able to speak and hear each other with more love and less defensiveness/fear.  I look forward to this weekend and getting a tree, as well as taking part in my Interplay Theatre group's Christmas gathering.  We're going to eat yummy food, play games, and watch the video of our last performance.

The Cute and the Weird

Posting the final post of October 2011.  I'm still deciding whether to join NaBloPoMo for November, the biggest month.  I haven't seemed to get much increased traffic from participating, but maybe I'm not as active as I would need to be to really reap the benefits?

Part of the challenge is that there doesn't seem to be a "good fit" category for my non-Niche blog.  It would probably best fit in a "trying to conceive" category right now.  Either that, or a dating/relationship category, but neither of those seem to exist.  Just "Family" and "General" and "Niche," but Niches seems to Nichey for my blog.  lol

Anyway, on to this final October post.

So I ended up giving some candy out tonight, though I hadn't planned on it, because my housemate got back earlier than I expected and sort of encouraged me (encouraged me and then left to go out to dinner, but it still worked).  And also I ended up being home during the prime hours and happened to find a bag of Hershey's kisses and some other candy and pencils left over from teaching to add to the mix.

We don't get many trick-or-treaters anyway, so my measly loot lasted until a little after 8 p.m., at which time I turned off the porch light and blew out the pumpkin.

The smaller kids who came early on were the cutest: little princesses and animal babies with shy, barely heard, "trick or treat"s.  Because they hadn't yet learned procedure, some of them said it in tandem with knocking, which was too cute.

In other (ttc) news - sorry for TMI and I won't be offended if you stop reading here - I saw some tannish color on the tissue earlier this evening.  It's only 2-3 dpo so it can't possibly be implantation bleeding, right?  Has anyone else experienced this?  I've never had this happen so early in my cycle.  So I'm somewhat befuddled, but trying to just forget about it and chalk it up to hormones or stress or something.

I teach tomorrow so will be going to bed at the semi-ridiculously early hour of 10 or 10:30 p.m. tonight.  I hope the little devils are kind to me again this week!  At least I have an hour and a half lunch this cycle, so I have a Vietnamese lunch with my Teaching Assistant to look forward to, in between periods of cramming in a career interest assessment that should really take twice as long as the timeframe we are given.

Before Bed

I'm going to use a NaBloPoMo prompt from last week.  Maybe that's cheating, but please forgive me!

"What do you like to do between coming home and going to bed?"

Since I'm not working full-time, I'm going to translate that into what do I like to do in the evenings during the week.

My typical evening activities might include:

• Making and eating a yummy recipe, while sipping wine.
• Reading blogs, commenting, and writing a blog entry.
• Watching favorite TV shows (Modern Family, Parenthood, Private Practice, The Biggest Loser, Parks and Recreation, The Office, etc.) or a movie.
• If sh/cm is with me: talking about our shared goals and concerns; sometimes playing a game; or working on our computers together.
• Doing yoga and stretching.

The question specified the start point being after I come home.  If not, my evenings include other outside activities, such as Interplay, Non-Violent Communication, and Transition Town Heart and Soul Groups.

When on my own at home in the evenings, though, my activities tend to be fairly introverted and mellow.  I think I have mentioned before on this blog feeling frustrated that I seem to need an external catalyst to jump start into productive "getting things done" mode.  But I also am coming to the point of acceptance of my personality and natural tendencies.

Plus, many times I'm tired by the end of the day!

One thing I've noticed will catalyze me into action in the evenings is having a creative project (such as choreographing a routine or writing something) that has a deadline. . . I'd like more of these projects coming into my life.

What about you?  What do you like to do between coming home and going to bed?

Between Exes

Today, sh/cm and I were stuck between exes.

We started the day with a long conversation about his ex-wife, who is coming for two weeks in January for work.  Before we were together, he promised to help her with an audio aspect of her accent book, creating a recording of an American accent.  I guess.

Then we spent the afternoon at his ex-girlfriend's birthday party - the relationship he had prior to me.  We emerged from both these experiences in a remarkably positive place, though this morning's conversation was especially difficult.

I agreed to "let" him work with her, with the agreement that he will tell her this will be his final project assisting her.  Apparently, helping her in this way was a big part of their relationship, and he wanted to honor this final commitment (in part, out of guilt for abruptly closing the door on romantic possibilities with her in order to commit to me, which I talked about in a post back in June).

For a while in our process around this, I felt like he was choosing his friendship/loyalty to her over his relationship with me.  I wanted him to let go of his attachment to doing it so that we could openly discuss our feelings and needs before making a decision.  In the end, it does seem like this train has travelled too far down the track, and I agreed to go along with it.  But only after he had shared in a vulnerable way how he had developed this pattern of making solo decisions and talked about how he knew he needed and wanted to change this pattern for the benefit of our relationship going forward.

Anyway, after we worked our way through that maze, we went to Farmer's Market then jaunted off to his other ex's house for a lovely party.  It was surprisingly meaningful and enjoyable.  A lot of the folks there were from the local Non-Violent Communication community, and I knew a few of them and liked all the rest.

We participated in a "Giving Circle," in which each of us shared needs with the group, as well as things we wanted to offer to others.  I came away with a Life/Career Coaching Session, massage, and a Sand Tray Therapy Session.  Cool, no?  In return, I'm giving a Myers-Briggs Type Indicator assessment, an empathy session, and help with organizing a studio apartment.

After the party, we raced over to the Art in Nature festival, which was potentially awesome but in the throes of wrapping up.  There, we ran into the guy who caused strife between sh/cm and I a while back when he got the hots for me at my friend K's party and proceeded to talk about these feelings in his men's group, of which sh/cm was a member.  Random.

An overall kickin' day considering we spent much of it bouncing between exes and ghosts from the past.  For dinner, I made delicious Eggplant Almond Enchiladas from the Moosewood Cookbook using tomatoes and eggplants from our garden.  Yummy.

For those of you on the ttc track, I still haven't gotten a positive on the OPK, here now on Cycle Day 12.  

And I wanted to ask:  have any of you taken Femara?  If so, did it raise your basal body temperature, if you temp?  My temperature today was 97.7 and yesterday 97.9, several tenths above what it normally is at this time.  I'm thinking it has to be the Femara. . .