Quick positive post heading into the weekend... My housemate is out of town until Tuesday so looking forward to having the house to myself for a few days. I might make a yummy brunch tomorrow, do some business stuff and work out in the afternoon, then have a fun evening out at the chorale concert.
Plus, my supervisor brought up adding 2-3 more hours per week to my schedule today starting in December, since I have been so busy lately. Not a lot, but still helpful. She and the office manager know my plans to adopt, which I think is a positive for job security and more hours since we get along well and they seemed excited for me.
Showing posts with label housemate. Show all posts
Showing posts with label housemate. Show all posts
11/14/2016
Me in 2016
NaBloPoMo prompt for today: "What was it like to be you in 2016?"Let's see... in the first part of the year, it was stressful, lonely, and painful as my relationship with S hit the rocks again.
In early Spring, it was surviving another breakup, my car being totaled, buying a new-to-me car and beginning a housemate search.
Spring/Early Summer, feeling renewed energy and focus on becoming a mom and raising funds towards that end. Experiencing great relief as my bitter, caustic housemate moved out, leaving me on my own in the house for a couple of months. Ahhhh
July and August, finding a fabulous new dog-loving housemate (yay!) and having fun reconnecting at a reunion with high school chums in Oregon. Then, finally experiencing a true sense of belonging, acceptance, and support at work in a new non-profit job.
Late Summer/Fall, growing weary interviewing for higher-paying part-time positions, learning lessons and continuing to work with clients and build my career counseling business. Wrapping my head around pursuing adoption and completing more paperwork and yet another training. Halloween hoopla with housemate...
November, swept up in NaBloPoMo, expanding my blogroll and developing my writing muscles and discipline. Haven't missed a day yet! Looking forward to the holidays, even though I don't have any plans for Thanksgiving. Envisioning another Oregon Christmas!
8/20/2016
Weekend Updates
Thank you so much to those of you who weighed in on the job opportunity analysis in my last post. It was really helpful! Most of you leaned towards the job with the healthcare trust because it's local, pays well, and offers the opportunity to work remotely. Those of you that favored the university job in Oregon mentioned the positives of living near family and having summers off.
After interviewing for both positions, I have an update on the details of each job, as well as my feelings towards them now...
First of all, the Oregon job interview did not go very well. It was a panel interview on a conference call, which I have never experienced and I can now report is super. awkward. I could not see anyone and received very little feedback on my responses, even non-verbal. They were not a warm and friendly crowd. The main interviewer was kind of formal and unhelpful in communicating the expectations and framework of the interview. In "normal" interviews, it is not uncommon to ask to add something at the end that did not come up in the interview, but when I did this, instead of clearly saying, "I'm sorry, we have to stop now due to time," or something like that, she kind of withdrew and begrudgingly said to go ahead, which totally threw me off.
Also, during the interview, I asked about collaborating between the career and advising departments and an idea I had for that, and got a very strange, stilted response about referring students to career counseling, which did not really answer the question. This also threw me off a little, as I had been told by my friend who works there that this is a great idea and they are really looking for innovation. I realized later that I likely stepped into some political sensitivities, because there was a representative from the career services department in the interview, along with the advising representative, who was leading the interview. This whole separation is foreign and non-intuitive to me, as here in California, we simply have college Counselors that do both academic and career counseling, versus dividing out these functions. What is weird is that it seems that advising helps students choose a major/career, my favorite part of the job. I am still a little confused, and not optimistic they will call me back, even though I feel I did very well on the first half to three-fourths of the interview. Oh, and I did re-read the job description and discover it's a 12-month assignment, so no summers off.
In contrast, I felt like I totally rocked the interview with the healthcare trust for a career counseling position. The whole interview felt as comfortable as an interview can feel, even though this one was also over the phone (only one interviewer though). She and I had a lot in common and seemed to totally click. We had moments of understanding and laughter, having both worked for community colleges and for workforce programs. And the core of why we like career counseling seemed to be similar. I am knocking on wood, but I feel I will likely be moved on to the next stage of interviewing, which will indeed be with a panel/committee. Ugh. In any case, she said I should hear back by next week on the details of this. One potential negative I discovered during the interview is that my position is located in Oakland, which is the one location that has a physical office where other Trust staff work. So, I likely would be working from that office part of the time versus fully remotely, although she indicated I would also work from home to some extent, as well as travel out to various healthcare center locations.
I do still feel positive about the Oregon location - central Oregon, which has waaay better weather than where I grew up - and living near family. My brother said he thought we would likely see each other every few weeks and our families could be more in each other's lives. But traveling for CA Conceptions treatments would be costly and less convenient, and I am really appreciating my friendly, healthy housemate situation, especially in comparison to the stress of my last housemate. In addition, she loves Zoey and plays with her regularly. Yay! She generously offers to let her out when she's home and I'm not, and hangs out with her outside or in her room, truly enjoying Zoey's company. I really feel like she adds to the joy in Z's life, which in turn makes me so happy.
Maybe Oregon does make more sense later, if I do decide to go that route... what do you guys think, hearing how things went?
So now I am playing the waiting game and working on getting new clients to make my budget this month. I plan on making outreach phone calls, which I don't enjoy but which sometimes brings referrals. There is an Art in the P@rk festival nearby that I also may check out today. My housemate and I are going to go in on a big nature photo hanging for the living room. Hope you have a great weekend!
After interviewing for both positions, I have an update on the details of each job, as well as my feelings towards them now...
First of all, the Oregon job interview did not go very well. It was a panel interview on a conference call, which I have never experienced and I can now report is super. awkward. I could not see anyone and received very little feedback on my responses, even non-verbal. They were not a warm and friendly crowd. The main interviewer was kind of formal and unhelpful in communicating the expectations and framework of the interview. In "normal" interviews, it is not uncommon to ask to add something at the end that did not come up in the interview, but when I did this, instead of clearly saying, "I'm sorry, we have to stop now due to time," or something like that, she kind of withdrew and begrudgingly said to go ahead, which totally threw me off.
Also, during the interview, I asked about collaborating between the career and advising departments and an idea I had for that, and got a very strange, stilted response about referring students to career counseling, which did not really answer the question. This also threw me off a little, as I had been told by my friend who works there that this is a great idea and they are really looking for innovation. I realized later that I likely stepped into some political sensitivities, because there was a representative from the career services department in the interview, along with the advising representative, who was leading the interview. This whole separation is foreign and non-intuitive to me, as here in California, we simply have college Counselors that do both academic and career counseling, versus dividing out these functions. What is weird is that it seems that advising helps students choose a major/career, my favorite part of the job. I am still a little confused, and not optimistic they will call me back, even though I feel I did very well on the first half to three-fourths of the interview. Oh, and I did re-read the job description and discover it's a 12-month assignment, so no summers off.
In contrast, I felt like I totally rocked the interview with the healthcare trust for a career counseling position. The whole interview felt as comfortable as an interview can feel, even though this one was also over the phone (only one interviewer though). She and I had a lot in common and seemed to totally click. We had moments of understanding and laughter, having both worked for community colleges and for workforce programs. And the core of why we like career counseling seemed to be similar. I am knocking on wood, but I feel I will likely be moved on to the next stage of interviewing, which will indeed be with a panel/committee. Ugh. In any case, she said I should hear back by next week on the details of this. One potential negative I discovered during the interview is that my position is located in Oakland, which is the one location that has a physical office where other Trust staff work. So, I likely would be working from that office part of the time versus fully remotely, although she indicated I would also work from home to some extent, as well as travel out to various healthcare center locations.
I do still feel positive about the Oregon location - central Oregon, which has waaay better weather than where I grew up - and living near family. My brother said he thought we would likely see each other every few weeks and our families could be more in each other's lives. But traveling for CA Conceptions treatments would be costly and less convenient, and I am really appreciating my friendly, healthy housemate situation, especially in comparison to the stress of my last housemate. In addition, she loves Zoey and plays with her regularly. Yay! She generously offers to let her out when she's home and I'm not, and hangs out with her outside or in her room, truly enjoying Zoey's company. I really feel like she adds to the joy in Z's life, which in turn makes me so happy.
Maybe Oregon does make more sense later, if I do decide to go that route... what do you guys think, hearing how things went?
So now I am playing the waiting game and working on getting new clients to make my budget this month. I plan on making outreach phone calls, which I don't enjoy but which sometimes brings referrals. There is an Art in the P@rk festival nearby that I also may check out today. My housemate and I are going to go in on a big nature photo hanging for the living room. Hope you have a great weekend!
7/09/2016
Classic
So, it's been about 5 weeks since my last cycle - 35 days! Argh. Isn't it classic that when you actually want your cycle to come, it won't? I can't schedule my saline sonogram for the C@lifornia Conceptions program until my cycle comes. The past couple days it feels like it might be starting to come but then, no. Please say a prayer to the menstruation gods for me.
In other news, my new housemate, L, moved in and so far, so good! I have had a few little flashbacks of how I used to feel living with the former crazy mean housemate, then I remember and relax. I don't need to worry about every little thing setting her off. I don't need to tiptoe around and try and anticipate her needs or her moods. L apologized yesterday for leaving a cup in the sink - I said, "No worries, I'd like that freedom sometimes, too, when we are in a hurry or at the end of the night." Cool! Communication and easy going-ness. And she likes Zoey! She asked me - of course you can! :) - then took her out on a long walk yesterday and Z loved it, of course. It's kind of cool that she's a nurse, too, in case of an injury or to ask her opinion on health stuff.
On the job search front, I have an interview next week for a resource specialist position with a brain injury organization. I have been applying for a few jobs outside of college counseling and getting more positive responses. It only pays half as much as college counseling :(, but as I tell my clients, it would be a "for now" job. I'm just really wanting to get some more money coming in to supplement my business income before my unemployment runs out, and so that I can move forward with my baby-making plans! My fingers are double crossed that, in the end, I do get a part-time counseling job at the college closest to me, but in the meanwhile, I'm going to branch out and go for other things. I did get two new clients, so that's exciting, too.
Next Thursday, I head to Oregon to see family and attend my 30th high school reunion. I'm a little nervous but mainly looking forward to it. The people organizing it are super friendly and encouraging everyone to come, even if you haven't lost that weight or made a million bucks. lol Zoey is getting vaccinations updated AND a bath and nail trim to get trip-ready before we leave. I am going to get my nails/toes painted and get a haircut. My dad will be out of town most of the time and I'm staying at his townhouse. He stopped seeing my aunt from Nebraska, which we were all glad about, and has been dating an age-appropriate, non-familial, local woman who seems like a great match for him. Funny how men often take up with someone new so quickly, though. My dad had a clear intention to find another partner and didn't want to be alone after all these years being married. Anyway, I'll see him for a day when he comes back and my sister and brother and families will be in town. A couple reunion events are open to all alumni, so my brother is coming to the Sunday afternoon gathering at a well-known micro-brew pub which should be fun.
I'm heading out in a couple of hours to a birthday party for a friend from my 6-month EOL leadership program. She has terminal pancreatic cancer so it's kind of a goodbye party. I feel sad and wish she had a lot more time. We weren't super close but she is a really good person and she made that big donation to my campaign, for which I will forever feel grateful (as I do for all the donations). This one was surprisingly huge, and I'm going to thank her again in a card and look forward to giving her a big hug.
Quick S update before I sign off... He saw the doctor and had an exam a couple days ago and his healing looks great! So he will get the ileostomy reversal surgery. The bad news is that apparently in the month after surgery, it's really tough and he would not be able to travel. He has two trips in October, and he was hoping to have the surgery done beforehand. Looks like he will have to wait until he gets back. But overall, it's great news! We may get together before I leave for Oregon. His birthday is next week. It's kind of strange... he feels like he was the slighted or rejected one in our break-up, even though he was the one who made the decision that he did not want to be a father, knowing how important that was to me. And stated it in no uncertain terms like he was drawing a line in the sand, which to me "felt" like breaking up. As baffling as it is to me, he insists that he did not expect that to lead to a break-up and felt like I "chose motherhood over him." I flat out told him on the phone the other night that I thought that showed a huge ego, and he didn't deny it. Frustrating and sad. I do seem to be in a better place right now and more open to friendship, but I'm not sure we will be able to move into that anytime soon. Time will tell I guess.
Hope you have a great weekend! I'm enjoying reading about all the summer activities...Hopefully I can spend a few hours out at the reservoir with my sister's family when I go home and do some swimming.
In other news, my new housemate, L, moved in and so far, so good! I have had a few little flashbacks of how I used to feel living with the former crazy mean housemate, then I remember and relax. I don't need to worry about every little thing setting her off. I don't need to tiptoe around and try and anticipate her needs or her moods. L apologized yesterday for leaving a cup in the sink - I said, "No worries, I'd like that freedom sometimes, too, when we are in a hurry or at the end of the night." Cool! Communication and easy going-ness. And she likes Zoey! She asked me - of course you can! :) - then took her out on a long walk yesterday and Z loved it, of course. It's kind of cool that she's a nurse, too, in case of an injury or to ask her opinion on health stuff.
On the job search front, I have an interview next week for a resource specialist position with a brain injury organization. I have been applying for a few jobs outside of college counseling and getting more positive responses. It only pays half as much as college counseling :(, but as I tell my clients, it would be a "for now" job. I'm just really wanting to get some more money coming in to supplement my business income before my unemployment runs out, and so that I can move forward with my baby-making plans! My fingers are double crossed that, in the end, I do get a part-time counseling job at the college closest to me, but in the meanwhile, I'm going to branch out and go for other things. I did get two new clients, so that's exciting, too.
Next Thursday, I head to Oregon to see family and attend my 30th high school reunion. I'm a little nervous but mainly looking forward to it. The people organizing it are super friendly and encouraging everyone to come, even if you haven't lost that weight or made a million bucks. lol Zoey is getting vaccinations updated AND a bath and nail trim to get trip-ready before we leave. I am going to get my nails/toes painted and get a haircut. My dad will be out of town most of the time and I'm staying at his townhouse. He stopped seeing my aunt from Nebraska, which we were all glad about, and has been dating an age-appropriate, non-familial, local woman who seems like a great match for him. Funny how men often take up with someone new so quickly, though. My dad had a clear intention to find another partner and didn't want to be alone after all these years being married. Anyway, I'll see him for a day when he comes back and my sister and brother and families will be in town. A couple reunion events are open to all alumni, so my brother is coming to the Sunday afternoon gathering at a well-known micro-brew pub which should be fun.
I'm heading out in a couple of hours to a birthday party for a friend from my 6-month EOL leadership program. She has terminal pancreatic cancer so it's kind of a goodbye party. I feel sad and wish she had a lot more time. We weren't super close but she is a really good person and she made that big donation to my campaign, for which I will forever feel grateful (as I do for all the donations). This one was surprisingly huge, and I'm going to thank her again in a card and look forward to giving her a big hug.
Quick S update before I sign off... He saw the doctor and had an exam a couple days ago and his healing looks great! So he will get the ileostomy reversal surgery. The bad news is that apparently in the month after surgery, it's really tough and he would not be able to travel. He has two trips in October, and he was hoping to have the surgery done beforehand. Looks like he will have to wait until he gets back. But overall, it's great news! We may get together before I leave for Oregon. His birthday is next week. It's kind of strange... he feels like he was the slighted or rejected one in our break-up, even though he was the one who made the decision that he did not want to be a father, knowing how important that was to me. And stated it in no uncertain terms like he was drawing a line in the sand, which to me "felt" like breaking up. As baffling as it is to me, he insists that he did not expect that to lead to a break-up and felt like I "chose motherhood over him." I flat out told him on the phone the other night that I thought that showed a huge ego, and he didn't deny it. Frustrating and sad. I do seem to be in a better place right now and more open to friendship, but I'm not sure we will be able to move into that anytime soon. Time will tell I guess.
Hope you have a great weekend! I'm enjoying reading about all the summer activities...Hopefully I can spend a few hours out at the reservoir with my sister's family when I go home and do some swimming.
7/06/2016
Things on my mind
I'm going to do a bullet post of "Things on my mind." How's that for general? :)
Things on my mind:
Things on my mind:
- Good stuff first! I found a housemate! We signed the sub-lease yesterday and she's moving in this evening. After having a couple months on my own, it will be an adjustment, but we are both Introverts and she seems to have really positive energy so I'm optimistic.
- Also, I had a last minute super-generous campaign donation from a friend, so the campaign total ended at about $2100! Super appreciative and grateful about that. I'm holding funds in a separate account to add to my own savings and hopefully a loan (will apply as soon as a nail down a part-time counseling job). I can schedule the required saline sonogram as soon as my cycle arrives.
- I signed two new clients last week, leading to the highest week of income yet for my business: $1800. This is great timing, as I have additional costs upcoming with Zoey needing a routine vet visit and grooming, then traveling to Oregon for my high school reunion next Thursday. Oh, and I just remembered I need an oil change, too!
- In other news, I wanted to follow up on my posts about the online date with the guy who had borderline A$pergers. I did let him know that I would like to be friends but felt we weren't compatible enough for a romantic relationship. I said I would understand if that didn't interest him, since he was looking for a romantic relationship. He hasn't replied, so I think that assumption is true... wishing him well.
- S find out this Thursday whether he can have the ileostomy reversed surgically in the near future. Despite our tension and lack of clarity right now - we are only talking every week or two - I am still praying for great news and a full recovery for him. Please send good thoughts.
- I am feeling stressed today... my monthly cycle is due any moment, which I am sure is contributing. The house will be cleaned today for my housemates move-in, and my "clean before the cleaner gets here" is not done and won't be done as I would like. Oh well. Also, I'm heading over to my landlord's house soon (he lives in a cottage next door) to go over and sign a new lease and pay some money. It will be good when it's done but it's kind of stressful and tedious.
5/29/2016
Only the Lonely
I'm having another lonely holiday weekend. It's really not so awful and I shouldn't complain. I just, well, feel lonely sometimes. Luckily, I'm an Introvert so I don't need to be social all the time, but then sometimes I think it holds me back because I don't want to go out into crowds or busy places by myself and find them draining.
I did get out yesterday to our local tap house that I've come to frequent (meaning go there once every week or two) and stumbled into watching the Warr.iors game. Half of it anyway; I have a hard time getting through an entire game when I'm watching by myself. Anyway, it was a pretty exciting game and really, they should have lost, but they pulled it out in the fourth quarter. I'm sure you're relieved and excited to hear that. :) Anyway, that was my social time.
S is visiting his daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughter, and I can't help but feel sad I'm not part of that. Ah well. My excitement for today, now that I've finished my mediocre book, will be doing a couple of loads of laundry and moving my couch in the living room. Once I get the TV connected - which I'm not rushing to do since I have Hu.lu and it's nice to take a break - it only makes sense to move the couch to where my housemate's couch was.
Speaking of housemates, I got a bite on the available room from a woman who is a friend of a friend and sounds perfect. Please send good wishes for our conversation tomorrow night! The only thing that might get in the way is that her internship is in Oak.land, which is a 35-minute drive from here. It's right on the line of doable and inconvenient. I make the drive a couple times a week myself right now for client appointments but honestly, I'm hoping to get more clients closer to home so I can start using my new office and not drive so much.
My campaign to finally become a mom has stagnated so it could use some good wishes, too. I'm hoping and praying to get some donations this week, which is officially the last week. There is "extended time" on the site that I will likely use, but I guess I was over-ambitious with my goal. In my mind (the site won't let me actually change it), my goal is now half of what I started with - $3K vs $6K - but I'm currently just about one third of the way there. Honestly, I thought a few close family or friends of family would donate who haven't. But of course, I have to let go and trust that if it's meant to be, I will find a way forward. On the other hand, many SMCs have donated and shared my campaign, which feels so supportive and kind - thank you so much!
For those reading who have thought of donating but haven't had a chance yet, if you are feeling called today or you've been thinking of donating, will you consider making a donation today at a level with which you are comfortable? Or if you've been thinking of sharing the campaign, will you do so this week? I would really be grateful and any amount is welcome and feels so encouraging to receive. Thank-you! Here's the link to share: http://fnd.us/help_kristina_become_a_mom?ref=sh_42BUxc or you can share directly from the fundrazr site.
3/02/2016
Liminal Hopes and Dreams
I'm feeling kind of lost today for some reason... I'm sad to say I had another shocking confrontation with my housemate a couple nights ago. Not as bad as others but still very disturbing to my psyche and peace of mind. Not surprisingly it had to do with sharing what she thinks of as "hers," i.e. the tv which she owns. *Located in the middle of our living room, the fact of which makes it seems silly to buy another tv but perhaps that's what I should do.
Synopsis: She was gone at a family gathering for a couple hours during the academy awards. I was watching it when she came home and it was literally at the last three or four minutes when they reveal best actor and best movie, which they build up to all night. I asked to have a few minutes longer, which I think most reasonable people would understand and agree to, but she stood there angrily in her robe. The show actually went overtime and cutoff so I left. I came back in for a moment to let her know what the recording time where she had left off watching earlier and she erupted in rage and again called me a "Taker," and also said, "I don't know who you think you are, but you're not that person."
WTF is that psychological abuse? Trying to get in someone's head and make them question who they are? And she's supposedly worked as a therapist. So yucky and disturbing. I pay half of the cable and give her wide berth in watching it when she wants. The fact she's gone two to three nights per week at her daughters has made this situation tolerable to begin with, but she's coming back this afternoon and I feel the oppressive energy of that fact. So. Done. With. Her.
I really do like this house very well, in all aspects but the bathroom which the owner didn't renovate when he did the kitchen. The kitchen is large and nice and new, with tiling and lots of counter space, etc. The location is pretty nice, as well, within walking distance of this small town's downtown and near two nice parks. S and I have talked about him taking it over when she leaves so I'm trying to stick it out. She said she wants to leave and plans on leaving but it's now March when she initially said the beginning of the year.
There are other situations unfolding which play into where we live (we are talking about us living together wherever that may be) - including if and where I land another counseling job. If it's at the college near where I live right now, then the situation mentioned above is the one we would go for. I think we would pay Marilyn off in some way or try and negotiate with the owner. I don't have confidence she would want to help us at all, but I have found that money talks to her. I would even help her find a place, as far as sending her leads. I think she should live in a mother-in-law unit or apartment near her daughter in a city that's about 45 minutes away.
Anyway, that's one scenario. The other ones are either that I get hired up north in S. Rosa full-time or in the E. Bay (near bkly and oklnd) full-time or part-time. The first option would lead us to move up there, the second option we could stay here or move closer in, finding a place with a yard in a walkable pocket neighborhood. Zoey of course is a huge factor. She's worth it but she adds further considerations, mainly that the place is dog-friendly and has a yard, which hugely limit the choices. I do NOT like long commutes, however, so I would work to avoid that, unless BART worked super well for the location.
In the meanwhile, I do feel lucky right now that I have an abundance of time to work on my business. Honestly, sometimes I get stuck and am not sure what I should even be doing, but at those times I just need to go back to making lists and prioritizing... sometimes I wish someone would tell me, "This is the most important thing to work on right now, then this and this." ha I have to be the grown one and direct myself.
My introversion, while a strength in many ways, is holding me back on the networking front. I have every intention of going to a networking event, but then the time comes and I just don't have the energy or motivation. Sounds lame saying it. I am totally and 100% committed to attending a networking group next week, which may or may not lead to a solid referral network, fingers crossed. Looking for other ways to inspire and butt kick my way to attending other events, like committing to going with someone else. Also, finding events close by seems to really help energetically.
This afternoon and evening are quite busy starting with an appointment with the counselor I and we have seen in the past. I want to explore how to let go or give less weight to the idealization and fantasy around my "first true love." I realize that's what I've been subconsciously comparing every relationship since then to...I went back and read blog posts from when I gave it a second try with that person. What a nightmare in so many ways. From feeling bored and distant, to insecure when he was checking out my sister, to abandoned when he headed up to keep drinking when I wanted to call it a night during my brother's wedding weekend, to retraumatized when he made a unilateral decision to abruptly end things as he had more than two decades ago.
The "one thing" that was great was our base physical chemistry. He did not even kiss well and was not a great lover. But I felt physically drawn to him and comfortable with him in that area. I have researched and found out that this is "a thing" to idealize and be hung up on your first true love, and I want to contextualize it and get help with managing it and giving it less weight. Can any of you relate to this dilemma?
After my counseling appointment, I'm heading into the office to meet with a client, then I'm meeting up with S for our Val.entine's dinner romantic makeup dinner. He had the stomach flu that night, so we never ended up going to that awesome restaurant I was talking about. Tonight is our do-over! Should be really fun and connecting; I love these type of dinners with S.
Happy March to you! Hopefully, I'll have some good news to report on the job or business front next time.
Synopsis: She was gone at a family gathering for a couple hours during the academy awards. I was watching it when she came home and it was literally at the last three or four minutes when they reveal best actor and best movie, which they build up to all night. I asked to have a few minutes longer, which I think most reasonable people would understand and agree to, but she stood there angrily in her robe. The show actually went overtime and cutoff so I left. I came back in for a moment to let her know what the recording time where she had left off watching earlier and she erupted in rage and again called me a "Taker," and also said, "I don't know who you think you are, but you're not that person."
WTF is that psychological abuse? Trying to get in someone's head and make them question who they are? And she's supposedly worked as a therapist. So yucky and disturbing. I pay half of the cable and give her wide berth in watching it when she wants. The fact she's gone two to three nights per week at her daughters has made this situation tolerable to begin with, but she's coming back this afternoon and I feel the oppressive energy of that fact. So. Done. With. Her.
I really do like this house very well, in all aspects but the bathroom which the owner didn't renovate when he did the kitchen. The kitchen is large and nice and new, with tiling and lots of counter space, etc. The location is pretty nice, as well, within walking distance of this small town's downtown and near two nice parks. S and I have talked about him taking it over when she leaves so I'm trying to stick it out. She said she wants to leave and plans on leaving but it's now March when she initially said the beginning of the year.
There are other situations unfolding which play into where we live (we are talking about us living together wherever that may be) - including if and where I land another counseling job. If it's at the college near where I live right now, then the situation mentioned above is the one we would go for. I think we would pay Marilyn off in some way or try and negotiate with the owner. I don't have confidence she would want to help us at all, but I have found that money talks to her. I would even help her find a place, as far as sending her leads. I think she should live in a mother-in-law unit or apartment near her daughter in a city that's about 45 minutes away.
Anyway, that's one scenario. The other ones are either that I get hired up north in S. Rosa full-time or in the E. Bay (near bkly and oklnd) full-time or part-time. The first option would lead us to move up there, the second option we could stay here or move closer in, finding a place with a yard in a walkable pocket neighborhood. Zoey of course is a huge factor. She's worth it but she adds further considerations, mainly that the place is dog-friendly and has a yard, which hugely limit the choices. I do NOT like long commutes, however, so I would work to avoid that, unless BART worked super well for the location.
In the meanwhile, I do feel lucky right now that I have an abundance of time to work on my business. Honestly, sometimes I get stuck and am not sure what I should even be doing, but at those times I just need to go back to making lists and prioritizing... sometimes I wish someone would tell me, "This is the most important thing to work on right now, then this and this." ha I have to be the grown one and direct myself.
My introversion, while a strength in many ways, is holding me back on the networking front. I have every intention of going to a networking event, but then the time comes and I just don't have the energy or motivation. Sounds lame saying it. I am totally and 100% committed to attending a networking group next week, which may or may not lead to a solid referral network, fingers crossed. Looking for other ways to inspire and butt kick my way to attending other events, like committing to going with someone else. Also, finding events close by seems to really help energetically.
This afternoon and evening are quite busy starting with an appointment with the counselor I and we have seen in the past. I want to explore how to let go or give less weight to the idealization and fantasy around my "first true love." I realize that's what I've been subconsciously comparing every relationship since then to...I went back and read blog posts from when I gave it a second try with that person. What a nightmare in so many ways. From feeling bored and distant, to insecure when he was checking out my sister, to abandoned when he headed up to keep drinking when I wanted to call it a night during my brother's wedding weekend, to retraumatized when he made a unilateral decision to abruptly end things as he had more than two decades ago.
The "one thing" that was great was our base physical chemistry. He did not even kiss well and was not a great lover. But I felt physically drawn to him and comfortable with him in that area. I have researched and found out that this is "a thing" to idealize and be hung up on your first true love, and I want to contextualize it and get help with managing it and giving it less weight. Can any of you relate to this dilemma?
After my counseling appointment, I'm heading into the office to meet with a client, then I'm meeting up with S for our Val.entine's dinner romantic makeup dinner. He had the stomach flu that night, so we never ended up going to that awesome restaurant I was talking about. Tonight is our do-over! Should be really fun and connecting; I love these type of dinners with S.
Happy March to you! Hopefully, I'll have some good news to report on the job or business front next time.
9/28/2015
Moving Forward in Fits and Starts
Everything was moved in on Saturday, and now I have the daunting task of unpacking or storing all the boxes. It's interesting to me that I survived the last several months without any of these items, which shows they are not vital to my life. Useful in many cases, yes. Aesthetically pleasing sometimes, yes, but not necessary. I will admit after all the protests from my housemate about using "her stuff," it does feel good to move all "my stuff" into the dining room and kitchen. I am back to having an abundance of cups and bowls, versus just the few I bought at the dollar store.
At the moment, housemate and I are getting along in a civil fashion. Major drama erupted last Thursday, though, when I let her know late night that S might stay over and leave early in the morning for work. He was wrapping up a conference and had been out with colleagues and I, admittedly after having a glass of wine, thought it would be nice to cuddle, especially since we have been talking about staying over but haven't crossed that line yet. I texted her as a courtesy but realize now it was something we needed to talk about first. I was thinking it would be unobtrusive and they wouldn't even see each other, but we do have a shared bathroom.
I think a reasonable response from her might have been saying that she felt it was something that needed to be discussed first and didn't want to be informed right before something was going to happen. Then, asking me if I could change plans because she really wasn't comfortable with it. Instead what happened is she turned into a toddler or teenage, I'm not sure which, and started cussing me out and yelling at me. It was pretty crazy, and I felt really overwhelmed. I knew if S came over, things would escalate further, so I got a hold of him and cancelled. I made it very clear to her later that the name calling/cussing at me was unacceptable, and I did not want it to happen again. I also apologized for not discussing it with her first. We have since negotiated a couple things, including sharing the living room and S coming over perhaps one night a week on a night she is not there (she stays at her daughter's house two nights a week). Feeling okay about it right now, but admit I questioned my choice to stay here after she blew up.
S has a couple of key appointments with doctors today, so please send good thoughts. He hopes to start this round of treatment as soon as possible, so it - and I think the surgery, as well - will be done by Christmas break. We have been talking about diet and supplements that will support his treatments and healing. This article was interesting to me, in that it doesn't talk a lot about diet. It says the most important factors are stress, exercise, staying away from mold, helping others, and levels of Vitamin D. What do you think? Apparently, this doc has studied these factors for over 30 years. I did find a good cookbook along these lines, as well, and plan to use that.
We had a great time Saturday night after he helped me move in. A friend of mine from the EOL leadership program I did - ironically right after we broke up - was having a 70th birthday party, replete with an Indian feast. So, we had a drink ahead of time and caught up on our weeks, which was really nice, then headed over and had a lovely evening connecting with conscious, compassionate people and participating in sharing memories and recognizing my friend. I usually get very nervous to give speeches, even informal ones in front of nice people, but I had some liquid courage at that point, and I think I did pretty well. :)
Tonight, we are going to the Gi@nts game with one of S's work friends and his girlfriend. S said she's a little odd, so we'll see how things go. It would be nice to have "couple" friends to do things with. We've never had that before, other than with our siblings.
At the moment, housemate and I are getting along in a civil fashion. Major drama erupted last Thursday, though, when I let her know late night that S might stay over and leave early in the morning for work. He was wrapping up a conference and had been out with colleagues and I, admittedly after having a glass of wine, thought it would be nice to cuddle, especially since we have been talking about staying over but haven't crossed that line yet. I texted her as a courtesy but realize now it was something we needed to talk about first. I was thinking it would be unobtrusive and they wouldn't even see each other, but we do have a shared bathroom.
I think a reasonable response from her might have been saying that she felt it was something that needed to be discussed first and didn't want to be informed right before something was going to happen. Then, asking me if I could change plans because she really wasn't comfortable with it. Instead what happened is she turned into a toddler or teenage, I'm not sure which, and started cussing me out and yelling at me. It was pretty crazy, and I felt really overwhelmed. I knew if S came over, things would escalate further, so I got a hold of him and cancelled. I made it very clear to her later that the name calling/cussing at me was unacceptable, and I did not want it to happen again. I also apologized for not discussing it with her first. We have since negotiated a couple things, including sharing the living room and S coming over perhaps one night a week on a night she is not there (she stays at her daughter's house two nights a week). Feeling okay about it right now, but admit I questioned my choice to stay here after she blew up.
S has a couple of key appointments with doctors today, so please send good thoughts. He hopes to start this round of treatment as soon as possible, so it - and I think the surgery, as well - will be done by Christmas break. We have been talking about diet and supplements that will support his treatments and healing. This article was interesting to me, in that it doesn't talk a lot about diet. It says the most important factors are stress, exercise, staying away from mold, helping others, and levels of Vitamin D. What do you think? Apparently, this doc has studied these factors for over 30 years. I did find a good cookbook along these lines, as well, and plan to use that.
We had a great time Saturday night after he helped me move in. A friend of mine from the EOL leadership program I did - ironically right after we broke up - was having a 70th birthday party, replete with an Indian feast. So, we had a drink ahead of time and caught up on our weeks, which was really nice, then headed over and had a lovely evening connecting with conscious, compassionate people and participating in sharing memories and recognizing my friend. I usually get very nervous to give speeches, even informal ones in front of nice people, but I had some liquid courage at that point, and I think I did pretty well. :)
Tonight, we are going to the Gi@nts game with one of S's work friends and his girlfriend. S said she's a little odd, so we'll see how things go. It would be nice to have "couple" friends to do things with. We've never had that before, other than with our siblings.
9/21/2015
House! Relationship! Family!
Sitting in Starbuck's passing time while my new house is cleaned. That's right, my new house! My stuff was delivered a couple of days ago. S and I moved some boxes and bedroom furniture in yesterday and will move the rest in next weekend, likely with an hour of help from T@sk Rabbit or another type service.
My housemate has softened a bit, so that we are not exactly friendly but respectful and civil. It's a step in the right direction, anyway. Of course, I am counting on her moving out in a few months to a year, as she said she planned to. We will see how that unfolds... she is financially struggling and, as I well know, it is difficult to make a move from that position. Hopefully, things will pick up for her with her business and re-starting a part-time therapy practice.
Once I get my stuff settled in, I plan to contact social service folks in my new county and take the next step with paperwork and meeting with an adoption caseworker.
S and I have been continuing to communicate daily and see each other once a week. I think I mentioned he is going through a health challenge right now. He has the type of illness that many men his age have to worry about. He caught it relatively early but will need to go through a round of treatment for the next several weeks, then surgery, then another round of treatment. The doctors prognosis is that, if he completes all that, he should have a full recovery. I am praying this is so. When I first heard the extent of necessary medical intervention, I felt scared and had a moment of asking, "Am I up for this?" After all, S and I are newly reconnecting and still talking through issues and concerns. But things continue to be encouraging and grow closer between us. I love him and want to be of support.
One of the issues we started talking more in-depth about this last weekend is family and parenting. As I have mentioned, S has a lovely adult daughter and step-son and does not feel the longing I do. Plus, he is almost a decade older than me and worries whether it is responsible for him to become a father at this age. He has also not wrapped his head around the various aspects and potential challenges of adoption to the level I have at this point. But I have a sense he will "come around" should we stay together long-term. In the meanwhile, I know he will be supportive of me in my present adoption efforts.
A parallel concern is whether his fertility will be affected by treatments because, although this path is not something we are pursuing or are ready to pursue, if a door is closing, I would like to know that and discuss it together. Of course, his health is paramount and takes priority over anything regarding fertility.
So I guess we are in a complicated and multi-layered relationship right now! I am feeling pretty hopeful and upbeat today, though, for what that is worth. :)
My housemate has softened a bit, so that we are not exactly friendly but respectful and civil. It's a step in the right direction, anyway. Of course, I am counting on her moving out in a few months to a year, as she said she planned to. We will see how that unfolds... she is financially struggling and, as I well know, it is difficult to make a move from that position. Hopefully, things will pick up for her with her business and re-starting a part-time therapy practice.
Once I get my stuff settled in, I plan to contact social service folks in my new county and take the next step with paperwork and meeting with an adoption caseworker.
S and I have been continuing to communicate daily and see each other once a week. I think I mentioned he is going through a health challenge right now. He has the type of illness that many men his age have to worry about. He caught it relatively early but will need to go through a round of treatment for the next several weeks, then surgery, then another round of treatment. The doctors prognosis is that, if he completes all that, he should have a full recovery. I am praying this is so. When I first heard the extent of necessary medical intervention, I felt scared and had a moment of asking, "Am I up for this?" After all, S and I are newly reconnecting and still talking through issues and concerns. But things continue to be encouraging and grow closer between us. I love him and want to be of support.
One of the issues we started talking more in-depth about this last weekend is family and parenting. As I have mentioned, S has a lovely adult daughter and step-son and does not feel the longing I do. Plus, he is almost a decade older than me and worries whether it is responsible for him to become a father at this age. He has also not wrapped his head around the various aspects and potential challenges of adoption to the level I have at this point. But I have a sense he will "come around" should we stay together long-term. In the meanwhile, I know he will be supportive of me in my present adoption efforts.
A parallel concern is whether his fertility will be affected by treatments because, although this path is not something we are pursuing or are ready to pursue, if a door is closing, I would like to know that and discuss it together. Of course, his health is paramount and takes priority over anything regarding fertility.
So I guess we are in a complicated and multi-layered relationship right now! I am feeling pretty hopeful and upbeat today, though, for what that is worth. :)
9/07/2015
Labor Day Progress
Happy Labor Day!
I am feeling excited for Mo at Life and Love in the Petri Dish because she is now getting clearly positive HPTs! A lot of resources and emotion have gone into her journey, and I am happy that her little one may get a sibling!
After I finish this post, I will get ready and head out to meet S at a park to watch a free production of King Lear. I don't love Shakespeare, to be honest, though I can recognize it's worth, but it's outdoors and we will be sipping wine and relaxing, so I think overall it will be a good time. Then, we will stroll over to have dinner in the neighborhood near the park. I thought about bringing Zoey, but neither of us have been to this park, so I don't know whether there will be trees or posts to tie her to, which is key to a lengthy event like this.
S and I had some more conversation in the last few days about the possibility of dating again. We have talked about different lifestyle choices and taken action to get more on the same page. It's so strange when I take a step back and consider where we are right now. I would have NEVER thought we would get back together. I was truly and surely finished, which is why I ignored his first two attempts over the last year to communicate with me.
But I do believe he has "woken up" to a couple of the key issues that painfully destroyed the love we had for each other and finally broke us apart two years ago this November. His acknowledgement of his "stirring the pot" around exes and shift in his view of what loyalty and commitment look like is huge. Then, his work on getting control of his anger and, from a cognitive-behavioral lens, changing his viewpoint when he is emotionally triggered by my actions, is also a giant change. So far, knock on wood, we have been able to talk through anything that has come up for either of us in a mature way, like two adults. Imagine that! It does feel very grown up, here at our ripe old ages of 55 and 46. ha!
Also, I don't want to go into it today, but S has recently had a health scare and I am helping him with a couple of things. This brought up fear of losing him and also a true desire to help him the way he helped me with my fibroid surgery, even after we had broken up. So that has been a factor in bringing us closer, I think.
More shall be revealed, but I'm feeling some optimism today and look forward to spending time together this afternoon and evening.
Oh, even though my housemate has continued to be caustic at times, we did have another talk on Friday that released some tension, and, considering the landlord now says he has no plans to sell anytime in the foreseeable future, I may end up moving into this house on a more long-term basis. I will likely decide when I hear back from him on a couple questions, including the lease, in the next day or two.
I am feeling excited for Mo at Life and Love in the Petri Dish because she is now getting clearly positive HPTs! A lot of resources and emotion have gone into her journey, and I am happy that her little one may get a sibling!
After I finish this post, I will get ready and head out to meet S at a park to watch a free production of King Lear. I don't love Shakespeare, to be honest, though I can recognize it's worth, but it's outdoors and we will be sipping wine and relaxing, so I think overall it will be a good time. Then, we will stroll over to have dinner in the neighborhood near the park. I thought about bringing Zoey, but neither of us have been to this park, so I don't know whether there will be trees or posts to tie her to, which is key to a lengthy event like this.
S and I had some more conversation in the last few days about the possibility of dating again. We have talked about different lifestyle choices and taken action to get more on the same page. It's so strange when I take a step back and consider where we are right now. I would have NEVER thought we would get back together. I was truly and surely finished, which is why I ignored his first two attempts over the last year to communicate with me.
But I do believe he has "woken up" to a couple of the key issues that painfully destroyed the love we had for each other and finally broke us apart two years ago this November. His acknowledgement of his "stirring the pot" around exes and shift in his view of what loyalty and commitment look like is huge. Then, his work on getting control of his anger and, from a cognitive-behavioral lens, changing his viewpoint when he is emotionally triggered by my actions, is also a giant change. So far, knock on wood, we have been able to talk through anything that has come up for either of us in a mature way, like two adults. Imagine that! It does feel very grown up, here at our ripe old ages of 55 and 46. ha!
Also, I don't want to go into it today, but S has recently had a health scare and I am helping him with a couple of things. This brought up fear of losing him and also a true desire to help him the way he helped me with my fibroid surgery, even after we had broken up. So that has been a factor in bringing us closer, I think.
More shall be revealed, but I'm feeling some optimism today and look forward to spending time together this afternoon and evening.
Oh, even though my housemate has continued to be caustic at times, we did have another talk on Friday that released some tension, and, considering the landlord now says he has no plans to sell anytime in the foreseeable future, I may end up moving into this house on a more long-term basis. I will likely decide when I hear back from him on a couple questions, including the lease, in the next day or two.
8/16/2015
Housing and Healing with update
The month-to-month house I've been living in for the last two weeks has been great in many ways - the kitchen is fantastic and Zoey loves the room and playing with me in the side yard. My housemate was gone all last week so that was nice. I did figure something out about her yesterday... so she's been kind of cold and seems annoyed much of the time I'm around her. Acting put-off when I ask her something and just generally not seeming warm and conversational, like she did when I came to first check out the house. I was feeling anxiety about this and also taking it on myself, questioning if I had done something wrong and trying to be a "perfect" housemate to make her happy.
Weeell, that is ending today. I pay the same amount of rent as she does. Yes, my furniture is in storage and I'm using "her stuff," but that was the agreement we made when we all talked about it and signed the lease with the landlord. She knew I was not going to take my furniture out of storage for just a month or two. I may go to target or even the dollar store and buy a few cups/bowls/dishes. I think that might help some, but overall I'm not going to stress about that.
What I realized yesterday is that she does not want me living here and is not happy about it, and that's just the way it is. She wanted to live with me IF we were both living here long-term and IF I was coming with all my stuff and furniture. She may have preferred, in a way, to live alone, but she was prepared for that scenario. What she did not want was what she got which was that the landlord said everything was uncertain because his wife had Parkinson's and they may move into the house in two or three months, thus everything about this situation has been tenuous. She did not want me "camping" here basically - I think she used those words once - without my stuff and without a long-term commitment.
If it was going to be short-term, she wanted to live here by herself and work on her writing. Well, sorry housemate, this is a two-bedroom house and the landlord is not going to choose to have it half-empty if someone is prepared to pay rent. And if she was unwilling to have me move in without my stuff, she could have said so. But she didn't. And here we are, and I'm not going to feel guilty or tip-toe around her. This is my house as much as hers right now. I will respect her stuff and her needs for the space of course.
To throw a further twist in things, two factors have changed with regard to our situation here: one, the landlord's wife accused him of carer abuse and he was actually arrested. I think he's out now but I'm not sure, and I'm not sure what the "truth" of the situation is. In any case, he is now moving in by himself to the cottage that he also owns, next door to our house. Sooo, I guess that means potentially we could rent the house long-term now? I don't know if I want to, now that I've seen this kind of cold, closed-off side of my housemate. When I move in somewhere, with all my stuff, I want it to be long-term. The second factor, though, is that she said she will likely be moving to Hawaii in a few months to a year. At which time, maybe I could take over the house. That is tempting and could work out great with adopting.
Which brings me to another big piece of news to report, which is that I have been emailing with my ex, S, for the purposes of healing still-existing hurt from the past. We met yesterday and I had a HUGE grief outpouring about our Fourth of July Tahoe trip - you know the kind where the sobbing and wailing just pours out of you interspersed with words coming from your deepest feelings - and it did feel healing. S held a container for me around that, and it was really good.
We talked about other things, as well, like the work he's done around his anger issues, which he now fully acknowledges. He told me about that work and also shared his current awareness of the source of this anger (some of which I knew but it was more specific) from less than adequate parenting in his early childhood, as well as teen years with a jerk of a step-dad.
I can tell he is thinking about the possibility of us getting back together, but I am only thinking of healing and friendship. I will not ever again stay in a relationship that has so much fighting and criticism without the love. Five positives for every negative experience - that's what a relationship needs to thrive. That's what we all need and what I intend to have. It is interesting that he is in a temporary solo living situation for a few more weeks and needs to find a new place. It's just weird that I need a place right now, too. But I'm not going to let a coincidence determine my choices. For now, I'm really happy to have released so much stored-up grief yesterday and to feel the start of forgiveness.
*Update: My housemate and I talked yesterday and I was right about much of what I wrote above. Also, she shared about the financial stress she is under, which is almost causing panic attacks. Good news is that we worked out a couple compromises - I'll buy a few dishes and Zoey can stay in my room when housemate needs focused privacy. We will see how it goes. In other news, we had an earthquake last night, and I was awake for it! It wasn't as scary for me as past earthquakes for some reason - felt more like rolling than jolting - but we were further from the epicenter than my ex who lives in Oakl@nd.
Weeell, that is ending today. I pay the same amount of rent as she does. Yes, my furniture is in storage and I'm using "her stuff," but that was the agreement we made when we all talked about it and signed the lease with the landlord. She knew I was not going to take my furniture out of storage for just a month or two. I may go to target or even the dollar store and buy a few cups/bowls/dishes. I think that might help some, but overall I'm not going to stress about that.
What I realized yesterday is that she does not want me living here and is not happy about it, and that's just the way it is. She wanted to live with me IF we were both living here long-term and IF I was coming with all my stuff and furniture. She may have preferred, in a way, to live alone, but she was prepared for that scenario. What she did not want was what she got which was that the landlord said everything was uncertain because his wife had Parkinson's and they may move into the house in two or three months, thus everything about this situation has been tenuous. She did not want me "camping" here basically - I think she used those words once - without my stuff and without a long-term commitment.
If it was going to be short-term, she wanted to live here by herself and work on her writing. Well, sorry housemate, this is a two-bedroom house and the landlord is not going to choose to have it half-empty if someone is prepared to pay rent. And if she was unwilling to have me move in without my stuff, she could have said so. But she didn't. And here we are, and I'm not going to feel guilty or tip-toe around her. This is my house as much as hers right now. I will respect her stuff and her needs for the space of course.
To throw a further twist in things, two factors have changed with regard to our situation here: one, the landlord's wife accused him of carer abuse and he was actually arrested. I think he's out now but I'm not sure, and I'm not sure what the "truth" of the situation is. In any case, he is now moving in by himself to the cottage that he also owns, next door to our house. Sooo, I guess that means potentially we could rent the house long-term now? I don't know if I want to, now that I've seen this kind of cold, closed-off side of my housemate. When I move in somewhere, with all my stuff, I want it to be long-term. The second factor, though, is that she said she will likely be moving to Hawaii in a few months to a year. At which time, maybe I could take over the house. That is tempting and could work out great with adopting.
Which brings me to another big piece of news to report, which is that I have been emailing with my ex, S, for the purposes of healing still-existing hurt from the past. We met yesterday and I had a HUGE grief outpouring about our Fourth of July Tahoe trip - you know the kind where the sobbing and wailing just pours out of you interspersed with words coming from your deepest feelings - and it did feel healing. S held a container for me around that, and it was really good.
We talked about other things, as well, like the work he's done around his anger issues, which he now fully acknowledges. He told me about that work and also shared his current awareness of the source of this anger (some of which I knew but it was more specific) from less than adequate parenting in his early childhood, as well as teen years with a jerk of a step-dad.
I can tell he is thinking about the possibility of us getting back together, but I am only thinking of healing and friendship. I will not ever again stay in a relationship that has so much fighting and criticism without the love. Five positives for every negative experience - that's what a relationship needs to thrive. That's what we all need and what I intend to have. It is interesting that he is in a temporary solo living situation for a few more weeks and needs to find a new place. It's just weird that I need a place right now, too. But I'm not going to let a coincidence determine my choices. For now, I'm really happy to have released so much stored-up grief yesterday and to feel the start of forgiveness.
*Update: My housemate and I talked yesterday and I was right about much of what I wrote above. Also, she shared about the financial stress she is under, which is almost causing panic attacks. Good news is that we worked out a couple compromises - I'll buy a few dishes and Zoey can stay in my room when housemate needs focused privacy. We will see how it goes. In other news, we had an earthquake last night, and I was awake for it! It wasn't as scary for me as past earthquakes for some reason - felt more like rolling than jolting - but we were further from the epicenter than my ex who lives in Oakl@nd.
3/01/2015
The Tale of Two Men...
Well, maybe not a complete tale, but the start of one...
First of all, I want to thank those of you that responded to my last post about my mom; it really meant a lot to me. Thanks for continuing to hold her and my family in your thoughts and prayers.
Onward with the tale...
I think I have had a couple more dates with SB since the last time I posted. We went to brunch and a book art exhibit, which was pretty fun. My type of day! Of course, I love brunch! And art seems to be a great bonding activity for SB and I. Then, before I left to Oregon, he came to my theater group, which was having a newbie night. It was just okay (continuing our up and down theme). I know I was tired - I think both of us were - and one exercise he and I did together during the class was actually disconnecting. I shared something about myself in an exercise and his response was sort of flippant, I think. I had already been judging him physically, especially in comparison to my beefy landlord/housemate, J, who leads the class. Afterwards, we went out for a glass of wine and loosened up a little but it wasn't a great night overall.
Then I went to Oregon, then I had my weekend workshop, so it was kind of non-stop busy. We reconnected Friday on the phone as he headed out of town to visit his daughter in Santa Barbara and made plans to get together tomorrow night. But we had another emotional disconnect on the phone when I shared a vulnerable exercise from my weekend workshop and he started relating it to a story about Mitt Romney. WTF! Ridiculous.
But. We talked through it and I was very direct in saying I need empathy. I need to be able to share emotional things and feel like he is "with" me, cares, and is at least trying to understand. He said that everyone wants that, which is probably true, and nice of him to say. He said he sees that he has a pattern of disconnecting at these times and that it is something he wants to change. Something about fear of disappointment or not being able to handle it or something. Anyway, we came up with a "safe word" (kinda funny) where I will say, "Stay with me now," when he does this and he will try to stay connected, hopefully without getting triggered into his fear of disappointing me. Good to have a game plan anyway, and we will see how it goes.
I have said several times that maybe he needs to be with someone who is more cerebral and less sensitive, but he doesn't seem to want that? Underneath, I am also thinking that maybe I need to be with someone who is more feeling-oriented and sensitive, but I do like a lot of things about our connection, not the least of which that I generally feel comfortable and like I can be myself with him.
The other guy in the picture, C, is the guy I went to the live music and dancing event with three weeks ago. It was a great night! He hasn't had a lot of dance lessons, but he has good natural ability and was playful and fun to dance with. He is cute and has an athletic build I find sexy. I would say, though, that he's kind of inward-focused and quirky... definitely smart - he's pursuing his PhD in public policy and working as a public transportation union leader - but the emotional intimacy piece I'm not sure about. It's too soon to tell. We had a nice physical connection and the hugging at the end felt great, but the kissing was, well, not so great. It was a little weird, like his technique is off or he was holding back.
He suggested three last minute dates over the last three weeks, all of which I declined and said I was unavailable. Not loving the last minute invitations, and my brother and I agreed that it likely indicates ambivalence. Yesterday, when he made his third last minute proposal, and we had a couple rounds of lackluster emails, I said in my direct way that it seemed like he was less than excited to see me again, and was this true? He said no, definitely not, that he has some reservations about dating in general, but that after seeing me before, he was "charged" for several days. Hmm, interesting. So, we have plans now for wine this Thursday and possibly the next one, as well, for swing dancing. I hope to learn more about his dating reservations and see if we have enough connection to continue getting to know each other.
Curious what your feelings are about both situations, when you hear about them? Any questions you have about either situation? Obviously I know SB a lot better at this point and am seeing patterns emerge. I like him a lot but also have doubts. C is still, to a large extent, an unknown quantity. Physically, I find him very appealing, and I know he can match me intellectually but am not sure about other levels. That brings us to the end of this chapter in the Tale of Two Men. :)
As a last bombshell to throw in here, my housemate told me on Friday that he will definitely be selling the house this summer and would like me to move out in two months. Ohhhkay. I admit this was not as shocking as it would have been had we - he, I, and his partner - not had a conversation a few weeks ago about money in which it was clear they felt I had been paying far under the market rate, and that he was looking to make more money and at least break even on the mortgage and expenses, etc. (at the time the options we were discussing is me moving into the other bedroom and paying a bit more rent and getting a new roommate as soon as possible). Of course, I understand that, it's just strange when we agreed on the rent amount and he seemed good with it - and planned to share the house with me - and then everything changed and it seems he now feels he did me a huge favor and is not happy with the amount. He feels part of the favor is "letting" me live here by myself, but that was never my choice, so it's hard for me to see that as a favor.
I think a lot of the "shifting sands" feeling I have is because he is in a huge time of change himself, and is also needing to now make decisions with his new partner. So, he really HAS changed his tune over the time I've been living here. Hard to believe it has been five months already. I feel a little sick thinking of moving again, but somehow I'm not freaking out and actually feel it could be "meant to be," as this is not a good house for a small child. I'm trying to roll with it and just keep making big efforts with my business. These efforts are starting to take hold! No new clients yet, but am getting the word out there and generating lots of possibilities. Please think good thoughts for me, as this business taking off is going to be a huge piece of making this transition work.
First of all, I want to thank those of you that responded to my last post about my mom; it really meant a lot to me. Thanks for continuing to hold her and my family in your thoughts and prayers.
Onward with the tale...
 |
| This seemed an appropriate picture somehow... |
I think I have had a couple more dates with SB since the last time I posted. We went to brunch and a book art exhibit, which was pretty fun. My type of day! Of course, I love brunch! And art seems to be a great bonding activity for SB and I. Then, before I left to Oregon, he came to my theater group, which was having a newbie night. It was just okay (continuing our up and down theme). I know I was tired - I think both of us were - and one exercise he and I did together during the class was actually disconnecting. I shared something about myself in an exercise and his response was sort of flippant, I think. I had already been judging him physically, especially in comparison to my beefy landlord/housemate, J, who leads the class. Afterwards, we went out for a glass of wine and loosened up a little but it wasn't a great night overall.
Then I went to Oregon, then I had my weekend workshop, so it was kind of non-stop busy. We reconnected Friday on the phone as he headed out of town to visit his daughter in Santa Barbara and made plans to get together tomorrow night. But we had another emotional disconnect on the phone when I shared a vulnerable exercise from my weekend workshop and he started relating it to a story about Mitt Romney. WTF! Ridiculous.
But. We talked through it and I was very direct in saying I need empathy. I need to be able to share emotional things and feel like he is "with" me, cares, and is at least trying to understand. He said that everyone wants that, which is probably true, and nice of him to say. He said he sees that he has a pattern of disconnecting at these times and that it is something he wants to change. Something about fear of disappointment or not being able to handle it or something. Anyway, we came up with a "safe word" (kinda funny) where I will say, "Stay with me now," when he does this and he will try to stay connected, hopefully without getting triggered into his fear of disappointing me. Good to have a game plan anyway, and we will see how it goes.
I have said several times that maybe he needs to be with someone who is more cerebral and less sensitive, but he doesn't seem to want that? Underneath, I am also thinking that maybe I need to be with someone who is more feeling-oriented and sensitive, but I do like a lot of things about our connection, not the least of which that I generally feel comfortable and like I can be myself with him.
The other guy in the picture, C, is the guy I went to the live music and dancing event with three weeks ago. It was a great night! He hasn't had a lot of dance lessons, but he has good natural ability and was playful and fun to dance with. He is cute and has an athletic build I find sexy. I would say, though, that he's kind of inward-focused and quirky... definitely smart - he's pursuing his PhD in public policy and working as a public transportation union leader - but the emotional intimacy piece I'm not sure about. It's too soon to tell. We had a nice physical connection and the hugging at the end felt great, but the kissing was, well, not so great. It was a little weird, like his technique is off or he was holding back.
He suggested three last minute dates over the last three weeks, all of which I declined and said I was unavailable. Not loving the last minute invitations, and my brother and I agreed that it likely indicates ambivalence. Yesterday, when he made his third last minute proposal, and we had a couple rounds of lackluster emails, I said in my direct way that it seemed like he was less than excited to see me again, and was this true? He said no, definitely not, that he has some reservations about dating in general, but that after seeing me before, he was "charged" for several days. Hmm, interesting. So, we have plans now for wine this Thursday and possibly the next one, as well, for swing dancing. I hope to learn more about his dating reservations and see if we have enough connection to continue getting to know each other.
Curious what your feelings are about both situations, when you hear about them? Any questions you have about either situation? Obviously I know SB a lot better at this point and am seeing patterns emerge. I like him a lot but also have doubts. C is still, to a large extent, an unknown quantity. Physically, I find him very appealing, and I know he can match me intellectually but am not sure about other levels. That brings us to the end of this chapter in the Tale of Two Men. :)
As a last bombshell to throw in here, my housemate told me on Friday that he will definitely be selling the house this summer and would like me to move out in two months. Ohhhkay. I admit this was not as shocking as it would have been had we - he, I, and his partner - not had a conversation a few weeks ago about money in which it was clear they felt I had been paying far under the market rate, and that he was looking to make more money and at least break even on the mortgage and expenses, etc. (at the time the options we were discussing is me moving into the other bedroom and paying a bit more rent and getting a new roommate as soon as possible). Of course, I understand that, it's just strange when we agreed on the rent amount and he seemed good with it - and planned to share the house with me - and then everything changed and it seems he now feels he did me a huge favor and is not happy with the amount. He feels part of the favor is "letting" me live here by myself, but that was never my choice, so it's hard for me to see that as a favor.
I think a lot of the "shifting sands" feeling I have is because he is in a huge time of change himself, and is also needing to now make decisions with his new partner. So, he really HAS changed his tune over the time I've been living here. Hard to believe it has been five months already. I feel a little sick thinking of moving again, but somehow I'm not freaking out and actually feel it could be "meant to be," as this is not a good house for a small child. I'm trying to roll with it and just keep making big efforts with my business. These efforts are starting to take hold! No new clients yet, but am getting the word out there and generating lots of possibilities. Please think good thoughts for me, as this business taking off is going to be a huge piece of making this transition work.
12/07/2014
Exhaustion
I am in a no good, very bad mood today. I think in part because of hormones and in part because I taught an all-day class yesterday, the last couple hours of which were pure hell. One of me, 25 of them, all trying to create and enter educational plans into a system that was locked up and refusing to cooperate. After consulting with my supervisor, I finally just had them turn in their plans on paper and spent much of this morning entering them into the system myself.
Then, my "housemate" (technically my housemate but more like landlord, as he never stays here) J, stopped by completely unannounced. I realized he tried to send a text 10 minutes before that didn't go through. But, regardless, it's like he doesn't register my feelings; like they don't matter. He bursts in the front door with his partner, yelling "HELLOOOO" in a really boisterous way, with lots of energy that he doesn't reign in, even when he sees that I am sitting at the table working (unshowered, in grungy sweats) and am clearly caught off guard. Then he keeps bustling around the house being bossy and directive and not listening to me. Grrrrr!
I feel sooo tired and depressed. Definitely not in the mood for this housewarming party we are having this evening. Maybe I should go work out; that might help. I have had an injured/out of place shoulder/upper back injury since before Thanksgiving, so haven't been working out. It has slowly been improving, and I think I could go today. Either that or take Zoey on a long walk. Something to try and rise out of this run down funk.
Then, my "housemate" (technically my housemate but more like landlord, as he never stays here) J, stopped by completely unannounced. I realized he tried to send a text 10 minutes before that didn't go through. But, regardless, it's like he doesn't register my feelings; like they don't matter. He bursts in the front door with his partner, yelling "HELLOOOO" in a really boisterous way, with lots of energy that he doesn't reign in, even when he sees that I am sitting at the table working (unshowered, in grungy sweats) and am clearly caught off guard. Then he keeps bustling around the house being bossy and directive and not listening to me. Grrrrr!
I feel sooo tired and depressed. Definitely not in the mood for this housewarming party we are having this evening. Maybe I should go work out; that might help. I have had an injured/out of place shoulder/upper back injury since before Thanksgiving, so haven't been working out. It has slowly been improving, and I think I could go today. Either that or take Zoey on a long walk. Something to try and rise out of this run down funk.
9/12/2012
Halfway Through
I can't believe it's only been a week since my IUI! It feels like a month, lol. This progesterone is kickin' my butt around a good bit.
Case in point: I got all weepy after work today when I told my housemate that I wish I could shut my brain off and felt like everyone was being mean, and he said in this little mocking voice, "Everyone is being meeean."
Well, first I wanted to slap him, actually, but then I just went inside the house, shut the door to my room, and did the loud, ugly cry for a few minutes. I sooo needed my Mommy at that moment.
I can tell it's the hormones, though, because it's just a different level of feeling stressed and depressed; a feeling I don't normally have.
Anyway, one more week to go.
Symptom watch (feel free to skip):
Things are definitely different than my last medicated IUI in June...
- Last time, my boobs were quite sore and this time they aren't at all, at least not yet.
- Seems like I'm more moody this time, but I can't really be sure.
- I know I had low abdominal (cervical?) cramping last time related to the progesterone. I've had some similar cramping this time but not as strongly.
- I've had some cramping that feels like it's on one side or another of my uterus that doesn't last very long, but it's the dull kind of cramping, not any sharp twinges. *Seems like twinges are more clearly connected to implantation.
- My bbt dropped this morning from 98.2 to 97.9. I often have a drop or two though in my luteal phase, whether I'm ttc or not. Usually they seem to be earlier or later, though... I do like the 6/7 dpo timing.
So, hope is alive but I'm trying not to read to much into things at this point.
I think I'm testing this time, though, so that'll be different. I usually avoid it but, "No point in avoiding the truth," is the approach I'm taking this time. I'll probably start testing Friday or Saturday.
To end on a celebratory note, Jen had her twins! Congratulations, Jen!
2/05/2012
Seeking Within
The housemate and I watched the Super.bowl together and his team (he grew up in NY) won, so that was fun. I made yummy 7-layer bean dip, and we drank porter and later cooked up some pesto pizza. A regular party around these parts, yo!
I'm about to go read me some more of the book, "Undefended Love," which I shared about in a previous post. If you go through a heart-wrenching breakup, you may as well get some personal growth out of it, right? The exercises I've done so far have been helpful, though I'd like to be doing them with a partner. C'est la vie.
I'm becoming more and more convinced that my time right now should be spent on working on myself versus seeking a man. I'm tired ofdesperately seeking. A psychic in San Luis Ob.ispo told me before I moved up here a couple years ago that the right man would find me. That my baby was waiting for this man and I to get together. She said this man would be good looking, not need mothering (as she said many men I've been with so far have needed), and would have a child already or we would adopt one together (in addition to the baby we would create). So there you go. I just need to hang out and wait for him to show up!
Regardless of the veracity of her prediction - and actually I need to write another post about growing doubts I'll even have a biological child - I'm sick and tired of Ma.tch f'ing com and all the other crap dating sites. I'm too weird (i.e. too 'deep' and artsy and progressive, etc.) to find my match on there.
Plus, I'm still sorting through the remnants of my breakup with S. We talked on the phone Thursday night, which felt surprisingly good. He proposed we just check in that night about what had been happening in our lives and then talk again in two or three days about the relationship, to which I agreed. Since the conversation, I've been thinking of him more and missing him. I know, however, that what I need to focus on is getting more clarity and possibly healing.
I think part of missing him is just plain feeling lonely. This book is helping me to not run away from those feelings. . .
I'm about to go read me some more of the book, "Undefended Love," which I shared about in a previous post. If you go through a heart-wrenching breakup, you may as well get some personal growth out of it, right? The exercises I've done so far have been helpful, though I'd like to be doing them with a partner. C'est la vie.
I'm becoming more and more convinced that my time right now should be spent on working on myself versus seeking a man. I'm tired of
Regardless of the veracity of her prediction - and actually I need to write another post about growing doubts I'll even have a biological child - I'm sick and tired of Ma.tch f'ing com and all the other crap dating sites. I'm too weird (i.e. too 'deep' and artsy and progressive, etc.) to find my match on there.
Plus, I'm still sorting through the remnants of my breakup with S. We talked on the phone Thursday night, which felt surprisingly good. He proposed we just check in that night about what had been happening in our lives and then talk again in two or three days about the relationship, to which I agreed. Since the conversation, I've been thinking of him more and missing him. I know, however, that what I need to focus on is getting more clarity and possibly healing.
I think part of missing him is just plain feeling lonely. This book is helping me to not run away from those feelings. . .
12/15/2011
Time of Darkness
Yes, it's my life, but I kinda wish it weren't right now. I apologize in advance for what may be a darkish post.
Since last Spring, I felt like I was building the life I envision for myself: a partner in life with whom a share values and meaningful goals, a family, a community of interconnected, like-minded people, work that sustains me on multiple levels. As this relationship seems to be crumbling around me, I have a sense that most of these building blocks are crumbling along with it. I literally (hat off to Rob Lowe) feel like dying when I imagine returning to my single life, at least as it was before.
I finally spoke in person with sh/cm last night, but it was an unsatisfying exchange. Though we did connect for a short time and he admitted he was a complete mess the day after I broke up with him, for the most part he wasn't really present. When I asked him questions, he gave rational, measured answers, laced with sympathy. Yuck. Apparently, when he officially broke it off with his ex way back when in I think May (well, broke off their plans to give it another try; the marriage had ended a couple years prior), they talked about her still coming out around this time to wrap things up with work stuff, and he said he figured at that time that she would stay with him. What?! The relief I felt when he broke it off was huge, as it had been something hanging over us for those first few weeks when we were both technically uncommitted and dating others (but in reality were exclusive). To hear that the trip, albeit shorter, was always planned, and that he assumed she would stay with him was hard to hear.
As an aside, I should say that during our conversation, I felt compelled to ask about whether he had any hope that we could work on his/my/our issues together, in some of the ways we had talked about before. He basically said he's scared of his own negative patterns and how they affect him and affected us, and he needs to work on these on his own, outside of a relationship.
But stepping back, we had been having trouble for quite a while. Remember all the jealousy? I think that stemmed from a lack of trust and security on both of our parts. I read something recently that said women's libido stems from a sense that the guy is hot for her and also trust. As we went along, my trust in him diminished instead of grew, partly because he was not consistently sexually forward, as he had been, and partly because he told me he had spoken to his ex without telling me and that she was coming out for two weeks in January (the first I'd heard of it). I don't remember when that was exactly - two or three months ago? On my part, I questioned whether we had enough chemistry and expressed my doubts at times in ways that lessened his security, as well.
But ironically, he was the one who I would say had the most jealousy in our relationship, primarily around my platonic housemate. I did come to understand and empathize with his insecurity around that situation, since the housemate and I are friends and we were, after all, living under the same roof. But he would communicate these feelings in irrational ways that made me feel like I was actually cheating on him or doing something horribly out of line - like when I answered his phone call when driving in the car to theatre group with the housemate and wasn't as present as he felt I should be or when I didn't text him back that day not long ago. Feelings, yes, I could certainly understand him having feelings about these things but it came out in terse, analytical, "grilling me"-type exchanges, which left me feeling defensive and sad.
Why did I put up with this? Because from the beginning, he and I have had so many wonderful, connected times too. We are on the same page in so. many. ways. It's HIGHLY unusual in my experience to have so much in common with another person. And we did have a strong attraction at the beginning and off and on throughout the relationship - though more off at the end. Anyway, we could have great discussions about projects, issues, and feelings, and it was awesome being part of the same community and focused on similar environmental/social change issues. And just having a companion for the more mundane things in life is so wonderful - everything from making dinner; to Farmer's Markets, community potlucks/meetings, and trips (well the trip to Oregon sucked, but other trips); and just hanging out all felt so good when we were "in it together."
Thinking of life without this companionship feels empty and cold, almost unbearable. Yet, I must bear it. I'm getting through one day at a time, the non-12-step way: drinking more than I should, even smoking cigarettes yesterday. I'm sleeping okay, still exercising, and eating not too horribly, so I guess it's not a complete mess.
But I'm sad. And I'm hurt. And I know I had a part in the relationship breaking up, but right now it feels like he lit the final fuse and that sucks.
I have a date from Mat.ch.co.m on Saturday night: an effort to soothe my heart and ego, but I doubt it will amount to anything because of where I'm at emotionally plus I don't think the guy has enough emotional depth. Honestly, at some level, I'm probably doing it to balance the situation with his ex, which is ridiculous because what does it matter now?
Thank you for listening to this disjointed outpouring. Birthday and Christmas here I come, but my bells are broken.
Since last Spring, I felt like I was building the life I envision for myself: a partner in life with whom a share values and meaningful goals, a family, a community of interconnected, like-minded people, work that sustains me on multiple levels. As this relationship seems to be crumbling around me, I have a sense that most of these building blocks are crumbling along with it. I literally (hat off to Rob Lowe) feel like dying when I imagine returning to my single life, at least as it was before.
I finally spoke in person with sh/cm last night, but it was an unsatisfying exchange. Though we did connect for a short time and he admitted he was a complete mess the day after I broke up with him, for the most part he wasn't really present. When I asked him questions, he gave rational, measured answers, laced with sympathy. Yuck. Apparently, when he officially broke it off with his ex way back when in I think May (well, broke off their plans to give it another try; the marriage had ended a couple years prior), they talked about her still coming out around this time to wrap things up with work stuff, and he said he figured at that time that she would stay with him. What?! The relief I felt when he broke it off was huge, as it had been something hanging over us for those first few weeks when we were both technically uncommitted and dating others (but in reality were exclusive). To hear that the trip, albeit shorter, was always planned, and that he assumed she would stay with him was hard to hear.
As an aside, I should say that during our conversation, I felt compelled to ask about whether he had any hope that we could work on his/my/our issues together, in some of the ways we had talked about before. He basically said he's scared of his own negative patterns and how they affect him and affected us, and he needs to work on these on his own, outside of a relationship.
But stepping back, we had been having trouble for quite a while. Remember all the jealousy? I think that stemmed from a lack of trust and security on both of our parts. I read something recently that said women's libido stems from a sense that the guy is hot for her and also trust. As we went along, my trust in him diminished instead of grew, partly because he was not consistently sexually forward, as he had been, and partly because he told me he had spoken to his ex without telling me and that she was coming out for two weeks in January (the first I'd heard of it). I don't remember when that was exactly - two or three months ago? On my part, I questioned whether we had enough chemistry and expressed my doubts at times in ways that lessened his security, as well.
But ironically, he was the one who I would say had the most jealousy in our relationship, primarily around my platonic housemate. I did come to understand and empathize with his insecurity around that situation, since the housemate and I are friends and we were, after all, living under the same roof. But he would communicate these feelings in irrational ways that made me feel like I was actually cheating on him or doing something horribly out of line - like when I answered his phone call when driving in the car to theatre group with the housemate and wasn't as present as he felt I should be or when I didn't text him back that day not long ago. Feelings, yes, I could certainly understand him having feelings about these things but it came out in terse, analytical, "grilling me"-type exchanges, which left me feeling defensive and sad.
Why did I put up with this? Because from the beginning, he and I have had so many wonderful, connected times too. We are on the same page in so. many. ways. It's HIGHLY unusual in my experience to have so much in common with another person. And we did have a strong attraction at the beginning and off and on throughout the relationship - though more off at the end. Anyway, we could have great discussions about projects, issues, and feelings, and it was awesome being part of the same community and focused on similar environmental/social change issues. And just having a companion for the more mundane things in life is so wonderful - everything from making dinner; to Farmer's Markets, community potlucks/meetings, and trips (well the trip to Oregon sucked, but other trips); and just hanging out all felt so good when we were "in it together."
Thinking of life without this companionship feels empty and cold, almost unbearable. Yet, I must bear it. I'm getting through one day at a time, the non-12-step way: drinking more than I should, even smoking cigarettes yesterday. I'm sleeping okay, still exercising, and eating not too horribly, so I guess it's not a complete mess.
But I'm sad. And I'm hurt. And I know I had a part in the relationship breaking up, but right now it feels like he lit the final fuse and that sucks.
I have a date from Mat.ch.co.m on Saturday night: an effort to soothe my heart and ego, but I doubt it will amount to anything because of where I'm at emotionally plus I don't think the guy has enough emotional depth. Honestly, at some level, I'm probably doing it to balance the situation with his ex, which is ridiculous because what does it matter now?
Thank you for listening to this disjointed outpouring. Birthday and Christmas here I come, but my bells are broken.
6/06/2011
Navigating the Relational Rapids
Sorry for the absence. I finished my NaBloPoMo month and slacked off!
Also, I have been spending a lot of time with sh/cm and my housemate has had a couple of friends from out of town staying with us (in our tiny little house). Letting them stay feels good because what a great guy my housemate has been great in so many ways, but I am ready to have my space back.
Sh/cm and I have done many life-enriching activities recently, including wine tasting and lunch in Sonoma, a home-cooked yummy dinner at my house - stuffed red peppers with kale, bacon, and pine nuts - and seeing a couple movies and visiting the Farmer's Market. All of this pretty much in the last week.
We have had some good conversations, too, complete with awareness breakthroughs regarding our defense mechanisms and connections to our pasts.
But I'm not feeling good about things at this moment. Caveat: I am in PMS mode, which often means I don't feel great about much of anything, but there is more to it.
We talked on the phone a few days ago about some things he was saying and doing, such as making reference to a future together and asking if I wanted to stay the night at his house, and how that made things hard for me to keep our situation in "dating" perspective.
He has since stopped some things but not others. The invitations to several things every week keep coming, he started calling me a pet name, and he constantly wants to fool around, to be blunt.
Two things have resulted I believe: one, I'm pissed because I feel disrespected somehow; and two, my intimacy stuff is triggered and I'm judging him a lot (as is my pattern when I get into a relationship with someone).
If we were truly in a relationship, then I think he would be a great person to work on this stuff with, but since we're not, it feels inappropriate or premature. Does that make sense?
I actually just sent him an email saying I wanted to take a step back because I wasn't feeling comfortable with our level of intimacy considering the context. I said I wanted to continue hanging out and getting to know him but without so much intensity.
Hopefully, he will be okay with that, but if not, I'm prepared to lose the fun his presence has been bringing me (though I would be sad about that loss).
Also, I have been spending a lot of time with sh/cm and my housemate has had a couple of friends from out of town staying with us (in our tiny little house). Letting them stay feels good because what a great guy my housemate has been great in so many ways, but I am ready to have my space back.
Sh/cm and I have done many life-enriching activities recently, including wine tasting and lunch in Sonoma, a home-cooked yummy dinner at my house - stuffed red peppers with kale, bacon, and pine nuts - and seeing a couple movies and visiting the Farmer's Market. All of this pretty much in the last week.
We have had some good conversations, too, complete with awareness breakthroughs regarding our defense mechanisms and connections to our pasts.
But I'm not feeling good about things at this moment. Caveat: I am in PMS mode, which often means I don't feel great about much of anything, but there is more to it.
We talked on the phone a few days ago about some things he was saying and doing, such as making reference to a future together and asking if I wanted to stay the night at his house, and how that made things hard for me to keep our situation in "dating" perspective.
He has since stopped some things but not others. The invitations to several things every week keep coming, he started calling me a pet name, and he constantly wants to fool around, to be blunt.
Two things have resulted I believe: one, I'm pissed because I feel disrespected somehow; and two, my intimacy stuff is triggered and I'm judging him a lot (as is my pattern when I get into a relationship with someone).
If we were truly in a relationship, then I think he would be a great person to work on this stuff with, but since we're not, it feels inappropriate or premature. Does that make sense?
I actually just sent him an email saying I wanted to take a step back because I wasn't feeling comfortable with our level of intimacy considering the context. I said I wanted to continue hanging out and getting to know him but without so much intensity.
Hopefully, he will be okay with that, but if not, I'm prepared to lose the fun his presence has been bringing me (though I would be sad about that loss).
5/18/2011
The Magic of Interplay
After all that build up, my interview has been postponed until Thursday.
My cold kicked in to high gear with all the symptoms today, and I decided to call the employer and let them know I was sick. I said I could definitely still come to the interview, but I think they probably realized I would not be at my best and maybe even wanted to avoid the germs. Such a relief to reschedule!
I did, however, go to my Interplay Theatre performance tonight, and I'm glad I did! We had a small but appreciative audience of family and friends. There were about 10 of us performing, a good mixture of men and women, more and less experienced. It flew by and I loved all the movement stuff we did, lots of contact improvisation and playful leading, following, and creativity.
At one point, the leader shared a poem about her women friends while three of us women moved and interacted; mirroring one another, spinning and meeting one another hand to hand or shoulder to shoulder, etc. We received some positive feedback about that and it felt moving to do it.
Funny story: at one point during a more complicated form called "The Suite," and things were getting a bit chaotic. One woman suggested we go up and do a "side by side story," which I was going to do, but as we started to go up there, my friend KP (who also leads my NVC group!) looked at me and hissed, "We are doing a DT3!," which is another story form. In all the chaos, we did not realize she and another guy were already on center stage telling a story. So I grabbed the first woman by the hands and pulled her back, and we ended up going into this long, silly, straight-armed spin.
I guess you had to be there, but it was such a Diva moment when KP said that.
Though nervous about it, I also participated in the speaking forms I'm less confident with, including a couple of three sentence stories (take the center stage and tell a story as you move/dance). One was about being unemployed and asking for help to pay my car towing fees, and I was able to express gratitude (anonymously) to my housemate K who also does Interplay and was in the room! Like with so many other things, it seems I gain confidence the more I step through my fear and take action.
Maybe tomorrow I will share about my recent crazy sleeping/waking dreams about time, and also how Sound Healing/Chocolate Man is helping me with my interview.
My cold kicked in to high gear with all the symptoms today, and I decided to call the employer and let them know I was sick. I said I could definitely still come to the interview, but I think they probably realized I would not be at my best and maybe even wanted to avoid the germs. Such a relief to reschedule!
I did, however, go to my Interplay Theatre performance tonight, and I'm glad I did! We had a small but appreciative audience of family and friends. There were about 10 of us performing, a good mixture of men and women, more and less experienced. It flew by and I loved all the movement stuff we did, lots of contact improvisation and playful leading, following, and creativity. At one point, the leader shared a poem about her women friends while three of us women moved and interacted; mirroring one another, spinning and meeting one another hand to hand or shoulder to shoulder, etc. We received some positive feedback about that and it felt moving to do it.
Funny story: at one point during a more complicated form called "The Suite," and things were getting a bit chaotic. One woman suggested we go up and do a "side by side story," which I was going to do, but as we started to go up there, my friend KP (who also leads my NVC group!) looked at me and hissed, "We are doing a DT3!," which is another story form. In all the chaos, we did not realize she and another guy were already on center stage telling a story. So I grabbed the first woman by the hands and pulled her back, and we ended up going into this long, silly, straight-armed spin.
I guess you had to be there, but it was such a Diva moment when KP said that.
Though nervous about it, I also participated in the speaking forms I'm less confident with, including a couple of three sentence stories (take the center stage and tell a story as you move/dance). One was about being unemployed and asking for help to pay my car towing fees, and I was able to express gratitude (anonymously) to my housemate K who also does Interplay and was in the room! Like with so many other things, it seems I gain confidence the more I step through my fear and take action.
Maybe tomorrow I will share about my recent crazy sleeping/waking dreams about time, and also how Sound Healing/Chocolate Man is helping me with my interview.
5/02/2011
Car Drama and Maybe Baby
Another turn of the wheel and life looks different again.
I don't think I mentioned that my car disappeared on Saturday. I parked it in front of my house Friday night, as usual. The next morning, I must have looked hilarious milling about where the car should be and looking around with a puzzled expression.
I initially assumed it had been stolen but soon found out otherwise from the Oak.land Pol.ice Dep.artment. . . So I will make an admission at this point: when I don't see any solution to a situation, sometimes I just throw it off the radar screen, which I did with this situation.
But only after discovering that, in order to retrieve my TOWED car, I needed to pay my remaining DMV registration balance (I had paid the registration fee but it was late so they tacked on additional fees I was in the process of paying off), pay a police release fee, AND pay the towing yard for towing and storage fees. Most of which was impossible on the weekend.
So today as I emerged from my fog of denial, I found out that the towing and storage fees currently stand at $350 and they will add $60 for each additional day of "storage." Ack! I told my housemate, then just decided to go to my dog walking gig, as my mind churned about possible solutions but was finding none.
Then, miracle of all miracles, my housemate offered to help me. He admitted it was selfish in part because he knew if this situation was not resolved, then rent would get behind and it would affect him too. But regardless, he is completely awesome and I am incredibly grateful right now.
He drove me to all three places and paid the fees, and my car is now sitting out front again with a shiny new registration sticker on the back plate. Thank you, K!!! I will pay back most of the money he loaned me at the end of the week, but he saved me several hundred dollars in additional fees and more.
And having my car back meant that I could keep my meeting with a new potential co-parent in San Francisco. This new possibility came up recently. I will write more about it later, but suffice it to say, I love what I know about these guys so far!
They are a gay couple, absolutely adorable, who have been together for 10 plus years. The oldest one is my age, the other one a few years younger, and they are both educated, bright, and athletic. I totally feel on the same wavelength with the older one I met with today, who would be the donor. He made me laugh a lot and the whole conversation was relatively comfortable, even when the topics were more difficult (such as finances, custody arrangements, etc.).
I am taking this a step at a time and promise to share more in the coming weeks, if and when things progress.
So MAYBE I met the father of my child today!
Or MAYBE not. . . but it's exciting to consider!
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