Spring Break Report

I put two applications in at the end of last week… My top preference is for for a house that is a little higher than I wanted to pay, but it's in a great neighborhood and walkable location, has a little patio back yard area, two bedrooms, accepts dogs and is pretty cute. Fingers crossed!

The second one is for the townhouse complex I mentioned in a previous email. It's good in many ways but the landscaping/grounds leaves something to be desired and it doesn't have any ground/yard space within the patio area for Zoey.  I could see wanting to move in a year or two, whereas with the house I could see staying there much longer.

I could possibly continue on here in my current house for another two or three months. What do you think about that option? I mentioned in the last post that commuting is driving me insane, so it would be a tough road. But moving, especially moving in a rushed way, is super stressful too. It would just be stressful over a couple weeks, though, versus months.

Being on spring break from the college last week was so nice. I am somewhat dreading returning to that job this week. :-/  I am, however, going to continue trying to make the work environment healthier and more manageable for me by setting up the office/computer just down the hall to be functional for counselors to use when there are two of us there, which is most of the time. Before I left for break, I also scheduled times in the calendar for all the students on my caseload and enlisting the help of the office administrator to notify them and send out reminders, as well.  I hope this will make connecting with the students less chaotic and unorganized.

In other news, I attended an adoption conference in Oakland yesterday, and learned a lot more about attachment and strategies to promote attachment with kids who have been traumatized or gone through significant separations/caregiver transitions. A good amount of the workshop content was more relevant for older youth, but a lot of it was also applicable to babies and infants. A few takeaway gems:

• Kids may be developmentally regressed and benefit from nurturing them in ways usually done with younger children, such as holding them and feeding them or rocking and singing to them. 

• Parts language (parts of self)can be really helpful in communicating with children who are traumatized, reactive or have experienced a lot of shame. Instead of saying, "You hit your brother. We don't hit in this family,"  you could say, "You are angry. You are using your hitting part. It's OK to be angry but it's not okay to hit others. Do you think you can use your stopping part to stop hitting?"  Something like that. I think it would take some practice.

• I really liked the idea of using a positive/negative/positive communication sandwich when a kid has done something you don't want them to do.  This might look like, " I love you very much (said in a neutral or kind voice),  and eating cookies before dinner is against the rules ( said with some sternness). And I still love you (said with love)." 

• They talked about not using "natural consequences" in the moment until they're old enough and capable of understanding that logic. They suggested waiting several hours or even a day until they are deescalated – if they were escalated or really upset – then talking about how you hope they might do something to contribute to the person or to the family in a way that makes up for what they did.  I think this was one of the biggest lessons I took away and want to remember… The lesson or response to behaviors doesn't need to happen in the moment...you can still talk about the situation or try to teach them about it later on. 

I guess a lot of these are more relevant for kids three and over, but I still want to remember them. I also want to remember that even if I am placed with a baby or toddler, they have likely experienced significant loss and caregiver transitions. The teachings in the conference also validated my desire to be placed with children under two, as they emphasized how many brain connections are being made before two or three, and I hope to contribute to those connections. Also, one presenter mentioned that if a child was able to bond with any caregiver in the past, that suggests they are capable of bonding and attaching in general. This supports what the social worker advised in my training, as well.

Me in 2016

NaBloPoMo prompt for today: "What was it like to be you in 2016?"

Let's see... in the first part of the year, it was stressful, lonely, and painful as my relationship with S hit the rocks again.

In early Spring, it was surviving another breakup, my car being totaled, buying a new-to-me car and beginning a housemate search.



Spring/Early Summer, feeling renewed energy and focus on becoming a mom and raising funds towards that end. Experiencing great relief as my bitter, caustic housemate moved out, leaving me on my own in the house for a couple of months. Ahhhh


July and August, finding a fabulous new dog-loving housemate (yay!) and having fun reconnecting at a reunion with high school chums in Oregon. Then, finally experiencing a true sense of belonging, acceptance, and support at work in a new non-profit job.


 Late Summer/Fall, growing weary interviewing for higher-paying part-time positions, learning lessons and continuing to work with clients and build my career counseling business. Wrapping my head around pursuing adoption and completing more paperwork and yet another training. Halloween hoopla with housemate...

November, swept up in NaBloPoMo, expanding my blogroll and developing my writing muscles and discipline. Haven't missed a day yet! Looking forward to the holidays, even though I don't have any plans for Thanksgiving. Envisioning another Oregon Christmas!

Super Chill

I'm purposely, consciously have a super chill weekend after an extremely stressful week that culminated in my crying yesterday at work when my boss didn't give me the extra hours I'd expected (I cried on my own after she'd left). The first part of the week was stressful preparing for my interview on Thursday, as well as going in to work early and rushing to get to my last adoption training on Wednesday evening - only to have it be like 45 minutes long (they said it would be 2 hours).

So, about the interview... I thought it went really well. I felt a great connection with the interview panel, my teaching demonstration went well, and I felt overall I answered the interview questions thoroughly and they seemed "with" me throughout. I did wish I'd thought more about the student learning objectives and how my teaching presentation related to those. I also wonder if they saw my career counseling business as a positive or a negative... I think I presented it as a positive, giving me more skills and workforce experience to share with students, and saying I'd likely continue working just a few hours a week with clients. But who knows what they thought. In any case, drumrollllll, I did not get the position. Yep, they emailed me back yesterday the same stupid, generic email saying they appreciated me and wished me well and apply again, etc. Blech. I put so. much. work. into preparing and I don't think I could have done much better. So what does that say? Am I just not competitive in this market? Is God telling me something? or are these things just usually rigged, with the winners decided before the games even begin...

I've reflected some on this, and there are two thoughts that emerged:

1. I always ask my clients what level of interest they have for a particular career, on a scale of 1 to 10, and I make the case that their interest level should be at an 8 or above to sustain a career in the long run and not burn out or lose interest over time. When I asked myself what was my level of interest for this full-time counseling gig involving teaching college classes again, my interest level was a 6.5 to 7. I don't want to work full-time at any job really, as it means basically letting go of my business in large part, at least for now. Also, teaching college success classes is not consistently awesome. Some of the topics are fun and interesting and others are real snoozers, like how to take notes, and think critically, etc. And community college students are not my fave demographic. My favorite college class had a good amount of adult learners returning to school who were super engaged and mature in their communication - and they brought lots of interesting life experience.
2. Maybe I am being guided to step up to my business and take it to the next level. I've come this far. I have had 7-10 clients consistently since early this year. I keep getting consultations and I keep getting new clients, albeit somewhat in fits and starts. I feel like I've learned so much in the last year and really developed professionally in terms of how I communicate with clients and how I present my tools and resources - I've created several new tools, actually, based on my learning. I have done some brainstorming and writing about how my career counseling (for the Introvert/Professional niche stuck in jobs that don't fit them) might be packaged into Group Program content for delivery in a live event and/or by video. I'd love to take the plunge and sign up for the next programs in the high-level marketing program I did last year, called Speaking and Leverage, which are all about delivering Group Programs. Also, I know I could raise my income if I had an assistant (virtual assistant likely) to help me focus and track payments, posts on social media, newsletters, event marketing, etc. In a way, I was looking at this job I interviewed for as my savior, hoping it would rescue me, but maybe I need to be on the hot seat and stay in the game to get over the hump and make my business sustainable.

And maybe I just don't have what it takes to be competitive when applying for full-time college counseling jobs in the super competitive Bay Area market. I still would love to have a part-time counseling position not too far from home. That opportunity I would give an 8 out of 10. My career counseling business by the way is an 8.5 to 9. It does depend in part on the client - some clients I love and some are challenging, but I don't know if I'd take away all the challenges right now because it is helping me grow. Anyway, that's all I have on that topic right now...

I'll end on a high note: I finished my adoption training last week! It was rainy on Monday, which caused our outdoor trivia night to be cancelled, so I decided to go. Monday's training was on diversity and culture in adoption, basically the responsibility you take on if you adopt a child of a different ethnicity and/or culture. They showed a film with some adoptees talking as teens/20's, then talking again 10 years laters. It was good information; not a lot of new stuff but "getting it" at a deeper level. Identity is such a huge and important factor. My deepest and most moving learning was something one of the adoptees said about their parents and family and how it wasn't like they were helping her to deal with racism, but that they were a "multi-cultural family" going through life together with all that that means. Something like that. Very powerful. I still, for a variety of reasons, am thinking I would like to adopt a Caucasion, Caucasion/Asian, or Caucasion/Latino child, but the latter two would definitely require me to step up and be fully "with" them as they go through life as a person of color. The third training was a total dud, as mentioned above, basically legalese about accessing services as a foster parent. The material was not made accessible to us as trainees! lol

Now, I'm waiting to hear from them about setting up the first long interview leading into creating a profile and completing the home study. I would have felt more confident about the income piece if I landed the full-time counseling job, but we will see what they say. I'll take it a step at a time. My boss at the non-profit did say we are working towards increasing my hours but she wants to have a better sense of how many hours I need to complete my duties, especially since we've changed the intake process somewhat and they have added follow-up calls to my duties. Some exciting news: starting in November, I get to work some hours from home! We have two holidays in November, so those days can be from home (since I'm not paid for holidays) and I think she said the other two Fridays, as well, but I have to double check. Only driving that long commute two days a week will make a big difference!

That's all for now! Heading back into my super chill weekend. Plans to do some business work off and on, maybe work out later, but other than that, watch movies, take walks, surf the web, do laundry, etc. Snuggle up at home. Hope you have a good, relaxing weekend, too, especially if that's what you need.

Halloween Fun and an Eventful Week

  We carved pumpkins tonight, my housemate and I, while watching the new Ghostbusters movie. It was fun! I love that the movie had all female leads in an action movie and their secretary was a hot guy. My pumpkin is the goofy one and hers is the scary one. Isn't the little pumpkin in it's eye cool? I hadn't seen a pattern like that before. Yesterday evening, we had drinks on the front patio of the local Mexican restaurant and watched the Zombie Crawl. There were some creative, crazy, and disgusting costumes. Some people went all out with the special effects, including open wound make up and creepy eye contacts. One zombie tried to eat my head. lol

During the day yesterday, I went to my first of three adoption training sessions with this new agency. It's a bit crazy that this is the third full training I've been too, but yesterday had some new information on trauma that was presented in a way that I can see using in the future. It was a way of re-framing and responding to behavior. I liked the idea of re-wiring the attachment cycle so that gradually the child feels safe. I highly recommend the movie, "Removed," and the second movie, "Remember Me." I think that's what it's called. Really well done.

I have two more training sessions. I'll either do one tomorrow night or in early November (I may have a another commitment I have to attend tomorrow) and the third one on Wednesday. I received and completed the Livesc@n paperwork and just need to go get fingerprinted, hopefully later this week. After that, I have the longer interview with the social workers, and I think they do an initial check of the house at the same time and give me corrections to make.

Another big event on the agenda this week: an interview at DVC, the college near me. I landed an interview, yay! Now, I need to finish pulling together my 10 minute presentation - I'm going technical this time with a PowerPoint - and review school information and interview responses. Please send good thoughts on Thursday at 10am!

Oh, I did want to share briefly that S had his reconstruction surgery to reverse the ileostomy and it went well. He's back to work though still healing, and we had a good conversation on the phone Friday after not talking for a while. He's recently started dating his ex again - the one right before me - so he's continuing that pattern. Oh well, it's no longer my problem. I'd rather it be her than anyone else because she seemed nice and I actually thought their relationship sounded pretty good, plus there was no weirdness or overlap with her while we were together (unlike the other ex). It's weird that he keeps going back to exes, though - it occurs to me that maybe it's because he pushes people away before it's clear that the relationship is not compatible. After three tries, I'm super clear that he is not "my person" as far as long term, marriage material. And we managed to end things much better - there's hope we can be friends, but I'm not sure if we are at that place yet.

Off to get some sleep so I'm rested for my eventful week...