Weekend Updates

Wanted to share an update after my dinner with S last night... In a nutshell, it was good but sad. We got into talking about some things about how things evolved in our relationship, even though the main focus was on what we want now and how we might be friends.

From what he said, it's clear that he was, from a fearful place, building a case against me (again), as he set up "tests" of sorts for me to prove myself. To some extent, I guess we all do that in relationships - try to figure out if the person is someone we could be with long-term and whether you are a good enough match to survive the challenges of life together.

The problem is, when you are "testing" someone, it changes the dynamic of the relationship and it gets in the way of love and intimacy. The other person - in this case me - will feel that they are being tested, will be able to sense an added urgency or behind-the-scenes agenda and will rebel or react in ways they would not have otherwise reacted.

Also, as S kept tally of these fears and worries about me, they accumulated into quite a list and ended up coloring any interaction we had with resentment. In a way, I feel really sad for him because he lived in this state, but I also feel angry because I experienced the pain of being on the other end of that behavior - wanting to connect and feel close as we had before but receiving judgment and anger instead. I know I have been guilty of fear or anxiety-based judgments, but I don't keep a tally or strategically test someone over time.

In any case, it seemed last night that, for what it's worth, he recognized the dysfunction in this behavior and was able to empathize with my side of it to some degree. We shared we both still care for each other and want to try to be friends, though it feels a bit tenuous or risky. It's worth it to try; at least I feel that way at this point. And the primary reason for our break-up is still our difference around wanting - or not wanting in his case - to become a parent, which feels like a very good reason that, in the end, makes this the right thing to do.

Going forward, I'm going to focus on what I want in my life, as a friend suggested in a comment on my last post, and that's finding a nice roommate, increasing my income via my business and part-time college counseling, and working on finances to move forward with the California Conceptions program to finally become a mom.

With regard to the latter, I wanted to share two more blog posts on my campaign that were recently posted by friends, Michaela and Jenny. Thank you both so much! If you write a blog and are willing to share my campaign or invite me to guest post, please let me know in comments or through the campaign page, and I'll follow up. I've been moved by recent donations by SMCs and friends from the blogging world - it means a lot coming from women who understand my experience. Will you consider making a donation at whatever level is comfortable or sharing my campaign in other ways? I'm hoping to raise $85 more before tomorrow to reach my $200 goal for this week. You can read about my long ttc journey in one of the blogs below...

A Single Journey: With a little help from my friends
Lambton Worm: Guest Blog - Kristina

I'm also planning to apply for a loan through my credit union in the near future and am in the process of applying for a grant. Hopefully, everything will come together and be enough to move forward in the fall, fingers crossed.

All Over the Map

Feeling sad today. I think because it's the first relatively open day I've had to feel anything. So. much. change. I'm sad about my break up but also continuing to feel it was the right thing. Yet still it's a loss, and I miss him.

But honestly, as I think of it, I miss the good times, not so much how things moved back into feeling like I was constantly a bother to him. He never had time for me - no time to talk on the phone, no time to get together, no time to listen to my feelings. I know I played a role in creating that dynamic, but I know that part of it is just his personality. The way he is wired to deal with closeness and intimacy. Also, the way his mind creates reservoirs of resentment that wall his heart off to me.

I don't miss fighting to see him or connect with him, and I don't miss just plain fighting. I definitely have more mental and emotional space now, but I think I've been avoiding grieving. Maybe I've been in the stages of bargaining and denial. He helped me buy my car, which was a boyfriend thing to do. Now, we are talking over dinner tomorrow about closure - what does that look like? Can we be friends?

My thoughts are veering all over the map right now. At times - like last night after a couple glasses of wine - I think, well, maybe he could move in and we could be friends and housemates and support one another. Maybe even friends with benefits. Then I think, no way would that work, and it would be inviting more frustration and suffering. I was at least thinking - from a more level-headed place - we could remain friends and leave the door open a crack, maybe check back in on our relationship in a few months, when he is completely done with treatment (and hopefully I'm pregnant). I feel that if we close the door and completely break up, there is no going back.

But then, I remember how I have felt these last couple of months when things deteriorated again, and I know I don't want that energy or dynamic in my life. Every time we've been together, it's devolved into some version of that place. And I. don't. want. it. It's exhausting and sad and frustrating and draining. I want love - to give and receive it. I want a strong foundation of attraction that doesn't go away, even when we are frustrated with each other, at least not for very long. I want someone who likes my personality, brashness and all.

So, S doesn't want to leave the door open, and maybe I don't want to leave the door open, either. I do feel sad for the good times, the break-throughs, those moments of vulnerability and opening and feelings of I love you so much. We had a lot of those, too.

Hitting the Ground Running

My mom received wonderful news yesterday - the three lymph nodes they removed, which were apparently "involved," were all benign.  At first my brother just told me that the three they removed were "involved," and I was quite worried thinking the doctor randomly removed three, all cancerous.  But no, apparently, they use dye in the surgery to see which are "involved" and remove them, and clearly involved doesn't mean what I thought (I still don't know exactly what it means, but I guess somehow connected).  Whew!  Relief.  Now praying the chemotherapy she starts this week goes well.

In other news, I have been stressed off my a$$ about my class, which starts Tuesday.  Not so much about the teaching part, but the preparation, or the "finally-receive-the-book-at-the-very-last-minute, cram-the-planning-process" aspect of the whole thing.  But last night, I finally took a big chunk out of creating my syllabus.  After another several-hour session tonight, I should be in tolerable shape with content.  Then, shine it up and get it printed by Monday.  I also still need to be entered as the instructor for the course so I can access student roster and other needed information, but I am choosing to trust all that will fall into place.  Basically, I won't leave campus on Monday until I have it figured out!

Oh, and I'm also giving a workshop tomorrow at the local bookstore on MBTI and career choice.  Why did I choose to do this right before my class started?  Honestly, I was NOT thinking clearly.  But luckily, I now have all the planning done for that, the workshop is only an hour and a half, and I'm facilitating with a friend which takes some of the pressure off.  I'll try to take a picture if I think of it.

It's just so shocking coming out of the lull of the holiday break into madcap action.  Is anyone else feeling this way?

I can also share that the joys of dating are alive and well... initial nervousness, looking for that spark of attraction, not really finding it, trying to be present for what IS there... which in the case of the second person I went out with in the last couple weeks, was that we had a LOT in common in terms of our education and work.  He was finishing a graduate psychology program with a cohort of folks (I did this a decade or more ago) and had done a lot of growth work, including counseling and 12-$tep, as well as gone through fertility treatments with his ex-wife at the same place S and I last went.

We went out twice, the second time down at Fisherman's Wharf (near the fertility place), which brought up a lot of feelings!  It should have been no shocker, but I just didn't think of it.  S and I going down there several times together - mainly to the Piers but once to the Wharf - and processing the treatments.  Getting in fights.  Or feeling excitement and hope.  In any case, for that reason plus the lack of attraction thing, I decided that would be end of the road for me and this guy.

S and I are supposed to get together now and finally exchange the presents we have for each other.  We haven't communicated at all since texting when I was in Oregon around Christmas.  I feel a little nervous and want to stay grounded in my vision for what I want in a relationship.  In knowing that it will never work with S unless there were a DRAMATIC shift in how we are together, which is unlikely.  I have no idea what, if anything, he has been going through mentally or emotionally.  I just know that he saw the counselor yesterday, and we agreed to get together around this time.  I will keep you posted.

Thank you to everyone for another year of connecting through this blog and through many of yours.  I hope this year brings many dreams to fruition. 

Finally, sending much care to those of you going through difficult times.

Shuffling and Meandering

I'm still here.  Sort of shuffling and meandering my way through the holiday season this year, so far.  It's not that I'm depressed, really; I just don't feel that inspired.

Good news:  I received my work assignments for next semester, and they were basically what I wanted.  Now, I'm super nervous about teaching my first college class.  It's kind of a loosey-goosey, unstructured class about college success and good habits around: study skills, organization, time-management, health and stress relief, etc.  If anyone knows any great resources, please let me know!  I've been given very little guidance so far and am starting to research and figure out the planning process and logistics on the fly.  Hopefully, I will have a couple of colleagues' syllabi for guidance.

Tomorrow morning will find Zoey and I on the road to Oregon for Christmas.  We will be staying at my brother's house and splitting holiday time between his family's, my parent's, and my sister's family's houses.  As usual, I imagine I will have some difficult feelings come up...

To that end, my leadership program gave me a new process called "Trigger Tracking" in which you look at your feelings and stories around a particularly charged situation and try to gain perspective on the "source event" that initially created this trigger.  In the end, the hope is to release some of the emotion associated with the source event and establish new beliefs or stories.  I tried it out on a trigger that came up for me yesterday at a Transition community organizing retreat and it worked pretty well, so I'll have it on hand to work with the family stuff.

By the way, my leadership program weekend went well - sorry for not reporting back on that.  The sleeping situation kind of sucked, as I was on the floor in a cold-ish room full of people, the one nearest me a snorer.  So, yeah, not much sleep.  But it was wonderful to roll out of bed and head out into the meadow for an early morning "sit" (sitting awareness meditation in nature) with a group of my compadres.  I enjoyed the increased sense of community and belonging, also.

On the break-up front, S took off to stay with a female friend this week.  I met her previously and don't believe there is any romance there, but it's interesting he took off after we had some nice connection on my birthday and were going to talk this week about "us" and future hopes that were recently verbalized.  I'm feeling it as a distancing maneuver and am glad in a way because I am in no way ready to let him back in to my heart.  I may never be ready, but when we are talking about meaningful topics and are both in a vulnerable place, old feelings do come up.  I can't help but feel closer to him.  So, it's better to get some space and focus on my own life.  I'm doing some dabbling in online dating as a distraction.

I hope to post over Christmas, but just in case:  Merry, Merry Christmas!  May your holiday be filled with warmth and light and love.

I survived...

... my orphan Thanksgiving.  ha  It actually wasn't too bad.  A friend of a friend hosted and she was a cool person - an aspiring stand-up comedian with depth - and I enjoyed talking with her about both comedy and my theatre activities before everyone arrived.  Yes, unfortunately I was the first to arrive, but in my defense, it was a half an hour after the start time. 

In any case, when the other people did arrive, they were interesting and easy-to-talk-with... and they brought some delicious food!  I bowed out about three hours in, prior to the games portion of the evening, thinking I should get home to Zoey (but equally because my introvert was tired out).  I talked to S for quite another lengthy and productive conversation earlier in the day, on his way to his dad's, and my brother later in the afternoon.  So, all in all, it wasn't too tragic and lonely.

Today, I had a phone appointment with my counselor, then met with S for lunch.   I'm not sure what to say about everything right now... Suffice to say, we have been able to talk through things, be more open, and admit to our parts in the relationship problems more readily with a little distance, I guess. 

On my side, I am seeing more clearly a part of me that is cold and hard... it comes out when I am anxious and/or uncomfortable, which I was with S's insecurity and what I judged as "neediness" around communication and attention, for example.  I want to soften this part of me so that I can be more compassionate and available with myself and my partner. 

S really appreciated being heard around some things, including that he felt I expected a lot of one-way support when I was focused on other things, like family or work conferences etc. but then hadn't seemed willing to give "care and repair" to the relationship afterwards.  He was able to hear that my anxiety and need to prove that I am "okay" can block my ability to engage and be sensitive/caring at these times - that it wasn't about him, as he kept thinking.  This is just one example of many of these types of insights, which feel like a relief to share with one another.

Going forward, we are still broken up and will be communicating less for a while - we said we would not talk or email for the next week, then check in at that point.  He feels like he will get more traction on his anger (and underlying fear) issues working on his own, and that he needs to do this in order to be available for a healthy relationship.  As mentioned, I want to work on softening this cold part of myself that can be so judgmental and distancing. 

Heading in to the lunch today, I wanted to get a sense of whether we both had some level of hope that we might work through our thorniest problems, opening the door to be together down the line.  Somewhat surprisingly, we both said we did have this hope.  He mentioned two or three months as a possible timeline in his mind. 

While I feel happy about this, I also feel unwilling to put my life on hold during this time.  He made the choice to break up, and there are no guarantees as to what will happen.  So, I am thinking - and told him - that I am going to date or at least be open to meeting other people.  Perhaps this experience will help me feel more sure about my eventual commitment to S.  I will say that I have felt more chemistry and closeness with him, since we have been broken up, which could be just due to relief from the conflict/anger cycle and a feeling of "being on the same page"... and could also be partly due to my going off supplements, including DHEA.

So that's my complicated report.  This weekend, I don't have much planned except for dancing on Sunday.  I'm going to try and get a few things done tomorrow but will also need to get the heck out of the house for a while - maybe I'll go see a movie.  I hope you all had a happy Thanksgiving and enjoy this weekend, as well.

Sad

Feeling sad off and on today.  Woke up to an email from S, which was a response to an email I had sent saying, in part, that I felt grief that we were at the cusp of changes that might have improved things for us - i.e. breakthrough insights on his part around his anger, my going off DHEA, plans to spend more time together, using new communication tools.  He basically shot down the validity of every aspect of potential improvement.  DHEA? Nah, that did not make much difference.  Communication tools?  Not nearly enough, as we weren't even close to a positive shift, etc. 

My email was not advocating we try and work things out, just expressing sadness.  I must have hit a nerve to trigger such a detailed and defensive response.  I imagine he is not as confident as he seems about his reasoning. 

Even though I believe breaking up was the right choice, it's still hard sometimes, and I would like to hear more sadness and complexity from him in his thinking about it.  The one thing I am accepting through this whole ordeal, though, is that I cannot control or change him.  The fact is that I was not happy with him and was less and less so over the past few months.  I had fears and doubts and was anything but certain about being together long term.  There was a time where I felt a lot more positive about it but not for several months now.  I still had hope and I still wanted to get to the other side of the developments mentioned above.  But he did not, and I can't change that. 

He pulled the plug, and he told me that, even though he said differently at one point, he is not now capable of controlling his anger and communicating without constantly attacking me personally.  Even if he wanted to stay together, I would not want to go forward if he told me things would continue as they have been, and he was not going to even try to work on things.  It had gotten to the point where I felt verbally attacked on a regular basis in a way that was not healthy. 

It does bother me that both his and my patterns repeated themselves.  I had judgmental thoughts grow and settle into my mind in a way that blocked my expression of love for him.  He became increasingly negative and jealous and was constantly accusing me of "bad" behavior and not caring about him.  How much did these two things feed into one another?  I'm not sure.  Perhaps we truly are just not meant for one another, considering how much we seem to "trigger" one another and push reactive buttons.  That, added to the question I had about whether our overall level of chemistry was adequate does make me doubt our lasting power over time.

We are going to meet in-person (finally) tomorrow at a coffee shop to process the break-up.  He would have just gone on without that, but I felt our relationship and history was deserving of a conversation beyond phone and email.  Wish me luck.  I hope to come out of it feeling like I have been understood to a greater degree and vice versa.  And ideally, with a sense of care for one another. 

On another note, I attended a community meeting today from 10am to 1pm, during which we got to know each other better, talked about co-housing and intentional community possibilities, and ate a delicious, healthy potluck meal.  The people were great, and I'm excited about possibilities there.  This community will be based in a specific geographical area, however, and I'm not positive where I will be living come next summer after my housemate gets married (now that S and I will obviously not be living together).  He may even move in with his fiance sooner than that and said he should know the timeline in the next few weeks.  We will see.

Speaking of potlucks,  my leadership training pod is coming to my house for a potluck on Monday night.  I get a little anxious about hosting people but am looking forward to checking in on our leadership assignments together.  I have been doing writing on my "creative scene" (ideal vision) for relationship and will do some writing on my work scene tomorrow.  The project I will focus on over the next several months in the program will come from this exploration process.

Lastly, I still have not figured out a plan for Thanksgiving.  Looks like I may be eating the full spread I bought myself (well, not all at once!) and watching movies with Zoey... The sweet thing is that several people, including some of you guys, have said they would hang out with me or would invite me over or whatever if they were in town or didn't have set plans with their in-laws, etc.  So, I do feel cared for.

Reflections on Dysfunction

This week has gone better than it could have... the vices I turn to in times of pain or extreme stress have not reared their ugly heads, and I am taking decent care of myself. 

My involvement in this leadership program is making a big difference, in that I don't feel "alone" in the world.  As most of you know, my family lives in Oregon and we're not all that close, anyway.  Friendships for me seem to grow at a snail's pace, so I have a few friends but still no "best" or super close friends.  I am part of a few communities that provide opportunity for group activism, socializing, or creative expression, but these haven't grown into a network I could turn to when I need deeper support.  My support system has basically been my brother and my housemate, and occasionally a couple friends I see through the community stuff.  I get support from blogging, which feels great, but I wish you guys could come over to the house! :)

Anyway, knowing that this group of people are there and we are all moving through this journey and process together is surprisingly helpful.  I have some tangible connection in between the monthly gatherings, too: today, I talked to my assigned support "buddy" and in about a week my regional "pod" (6 other people) are coming to my house for a potluck and check-in.  The facilitators talk about all of us forming a "village" that will support our goals and about how important this is - how we used to have closer extended families and neighborhoods but that's not common now.  So true, in my case.  My nuclear family was very isolationist.

So, I'm doing okay I guess.  Waves of sadness come over me and I have cried a few times, which is totally normal, of course.  Our minds want to remember things in a nostalgic way, like "wasn't that so great how we used to do this or that?"  But I keep pulling myself back into the reality that much of S and I's time together was rocky, stressful and often full of pain.  Maybe not for certain periods, but for a long time now, and increasingly moreso the last few months.  To help me in my perspective and my heart separation from S, I would like to share a few things that were indicators of dysfunction:

• I think about Tahoe and how we couldn't even walk the dog or make a frickin' salad without bickering or getting tense, and how he got so pissed off at me for not responding to him at one point.  How the mornings and evenings in this beautiful place often involved fighting and stress.  That was a low point for sure and fueled additionally by progesterone.  But almost every trip with family involved a lot of tension and fighting - that just isn't a good sign. I recognize my part in that I am often more stressed and less grounded around my family (though happy sometimes, too, and especially happy with the kids).  I have less to give a partner at these times and can seem more distant.  But S knew this about me and we had talked in depth about "why" this was, yet he didn't cut me slack or talk to me from that perspective of knowing how hard it could be for me.  He continued to get resentful and take things personally and generally make things emotionally harder.

• The relationship didn't provide the support and synergy I would like to have with my partner.  When I talked about my work passions or ideas and goals, he would sometimes take a skeptical stance or just not provide much enthusiasm or positive encouragement.  In one case, I asked him several times if we could do a brainstorm session for creative goals I had, and he was lackluster and avoidant.  When I was seeing a life coach for help with getting career counseling clients, I couldn't talk to him about it because he would express doubt and fear or withhold support, which was painful.  Later, he admitted it brought up fear about his own goals, but this was a general pattern.  He also struggled to go to a place of mutual excitement or synergistic exchange of ideas, which I so love doing.  This relates to my vision of a relationship including collaboration and partnership on creative or community projects.  We didn't work well together in this way.... except with participating in activism and personal growth "events" - these were on the good side of the chart.  But I want to have this goodness when we are alone together, outside of events.

• The last one I'll share for now, because I'm making myself depressed, is one that will not surprise you: chemistry.  Since early on in our relationship, I have questioned whether that area was "good enough."  He's significantly older than me (9.5 years) and looks his age.  Also, the chemistry/smell thing was a little off - sometimes pretty good and sometimes not great (the supplements I'm on may have affected this at times).  I know it's not the most important thing and that it fades over time, but I believe it can also provide the "juice" or excitement to help you get through the tough times.  It can provide fun and intimacy and actually has been shown to jack up chemicals in our brain like oxytocin that help our immune response and make us feel happy and relaxed.  It was hard to be clear in this area with him because sometimes we had a good dynamic and fun times - definitely more at certain times of my cycle and more when he was more "in shape" and taking better care of himself.  But overall, I would rate this area a 6, and I don't think that's good enough.  On reflection, I also think that his anger and our fighting made things worse in this area.  Anger is not sexy.

Thanks for listening and for your supportive comments on my last post.

A couple last pieces of news:  I'm postponing my fibroid surgery until January so I don't miss my training weekend.  Also, so that I have more time to line up care and transportation, since S will obviously not be helping now.  We were going to go to his dad's for Thanksgiving, so now I am left without a place to go.  Trying not to feel sorry for myself on this one.  I guess I'm going to put out feelers and see what a couple of my friends are doing, but I hate doing that.

It's Over

S and I have broken up. He was the one to officially end it yesterday, on the phone, on his way out of town for a training. Because we have been fighting so much for so long now, it wasn't shocking, but didn't see it coming at that time. I'm sad but also feel some relief.  I think it's interesting that this affirmation came to me two days before we broke up:  "My relationship is stable and relatively calm, and is filled with love, compassion, and understanding."

Saturday Night Pity Party

I'm feeling like such a loser tonight.  It's Saturday night and I have no plans.  I haven't had a date in a super long time.  I'm letting my stupid ex, S, get to me.  I am so uncool right now.

Today was a rough day in general.  I felt disconnected and adrift.  This morning, I spent some time completing college and career counseling-related emails.  I talked to my housemate for a bit.  But he was in his room most of the day.  It was a day I could have used some companionship.  The highlight of my day was grocery shopping.  That's just sad.

I tend not to plan ahead and sometimes it bites me, like tonight.  Tonight was a night it would have been great to have plans.  If I had plans, I wouldn't have been so bored and stupid as to call S.  We had talked a couple of times and were supposed to get together again for a final round, after things settled with our first talk (I was assuming that would occur this weekend).  But last Saturday we flirted some on the phone.  That was a mistake.  I feel like I'm kind of vulnerable right now, since I'm not seeing anyone and haven't had a date in quite a while.  I felt in need of an affirmation of my desirability.

Anyway, then at the end of this week he wrote me this email, and it pissed me off.  It was so arms length and avoidant, saying he had so much on his plate and had to finish a book this weekend, etc. so how about talking again next Thursday or Saturday.  I could have just gone along with it, but it felt controlling and not at all considerate of what I wanted.  Plus we'd had these two fairly intense conversations, and it seemed strange to then go a couple weeks without talking again, as we'd said we were going to do.  And why couldn't he pick up the phone instead of writing an email?

But, honestly, I should have just let it go.  I certainly have no intention of ever being in a relationship with him again.  I don't want to depend on him for anything.  He's not trustworthy, and, frankly, he's deceptive.  Even this weekend, he said he had to finish his book, but by calling I found out that he was at a game with his son (great, no problem, but tell me the truth!) and then going out tonight somewhere.  We were talking on the phone, and he was being his slippery-eel self, trying to seem witty and charming and above it all.  And then he gets to this place and says he has to go.  Nice.

See what I mean?  I am soooo uncool right now.  I do not want this stuff to be getting to me.  So, now I've written about it, and I'm going to try and let it go.  He is who he is - not worthy of my trust or my love, not capable of honoring agreements or upholding commitments.  Not emotionally mature.  What I need to decide, though, is do I follow through on the plans we have to talk later this week?  A big part of me would like to say,  "Screw you," and bail, but then we've still got the problem of being in each other's circles.

I suppose I could withdraw from the NVC circle for a while.  That's the main one that overlaps.  My theatre and dance are my own, and he's not part of them.  The other area is the Transition Town stuff, but we're not in any regular meetings together.  We will see each other around at TT events, like at an upcoming regional conference, etc., but not on a regular basis.

What do you think?

As a side note, I wonder if progesterone is affecting my mood!  Very likely!  lol

Labor Day Drama and Positive OPKs

Hey, I'm almost to my 200th post!  That's sounds pretty cool.  This is 199, so I'll have a little festive aspect to the next entry. 

Hope everyone is having a nice Labor Day weekend.  I went to dance, as usual, yesterday, then a few of us went over to the nearby park for a picnic.  It was a gorgeous day and fun to kick back in the sunny warmth and just talk and snack. 

Z, who leads the dance had me cracking up with his stories about a camp he use to attend called "plantation farm" or something.  It had another word in it that I can't remember, but a California camp with the word "plantation" in it just doesn't sound right.  And he said he and the other kids used to do all the farm chores, like feeding the pigs and milking the goats, etc.  These were the "camp activities."  Now, doesn't that sound more like "free labor for the owners" camp?  Then, he was saying they used to sing a song with the names "Cocaine Jim" and "Morphine Sue" or something.  What happened to, "The other day I met a bear," and, "The wishy-washy washer woman"?  I've been to camp; I know what "normal" camp is like!  lol  Not sure if the humor is coming across, but it was pretty funny at the time.

Today, I'm planning to attend a potluck and games gathering through the Non-Viol.ent Communication social network group I'm part of.  Guess who's going to be there?  Yep, S (formerly known as Sound Healing Chocolate Man).  He actually emailed me last week, after seeing I was signed up to attend, to tell me he was happy to not sign up if I would feel more comfortable.  I had been thinking about the situation because his name had started to come up among friends.  I knew he had been at recent events where I easily could have been there too but hadn't for one reason or another. 

I will say that my anger over his various acts of betrayal (the most recent being his bail-out a few months ago of our agreement to "try again" for a couple of months), has pretty much dissipated.  I definitely have felt "over him" for quite a while but still felt some anger when he wrote an email back in June suggesting we should be ready to move on and be friends, and that we might write a book together.  The man was cray cray!  I didn't respond.  But more time passed and it now feels somewhat inevitable that we "bury the hatchet," as it were. 

So, I emailed back and we went to dinner Friday night and talked.  It was good.  He said he'd made some headway with his "despair work," as he's now calling it, which he feels played a big role in our relationship and final break up.  Don't worry, I did hold his feet to the fire and say I wanted him to take responsibility for the deception.  There is no excuse for keeping the facts about his ex-girlfriend's visit secret for several months (how does someone even do that?) or for not telling me earlier that he planned to move and that he wanted to end our "trying again" effort.   That was in the works for at least a week or more and, during that time, we had been talking. 

The phrase that has come up for me around the betrayals and their devastating impact on me and our relationship was that, "It didn't have to be that way."  And I truly believe that.  If he would have been honest and upfront about things, I wouldn't have felt so blindsided, and we wouldn't have blown apart as we did more than once.  In any case, things happened the way they did and we are where we are. 

We had some heart connection during the talk, once when I said I felt sad that he had seen me as the enemy.  He reached out and we held hands in that way you do when you're broken up and you're sad about losing the good parts and you wish it could have been different.    We also both agreed that the insecurity we both felt indicated a real issue - that something was not right around that reality.  It shouldn't be that way, you know? 

So, the talking was good, and we plan to have another conversation in the next week.  Believe me, I have no intention to consider getting back together, and I doubt I even want to be friends because friendship requires trust.  But I would like to be able to be congenial at events and meetings.  I think today at the event will be okay, but we'll see.  I know a lot of people there, so that will help.

Regarding my ovulation timing crisis, I did take an OPK this morning, and guess what?  It showed a light line.  So, sure enough, I bet it's going to be dark by tomorrow... which means I should trigger then and inseminate at my Wednesday appointment.  Or at least that's what I'm thinking.  I have a call and email into my doctor's office, so hopefully they'll get back to me first thing tomorrow morning.  Doing my first injection tonight anyway.  Finger crossed!

One too many times.

I'm doing remarkably well, all things considered.  I think it's because a line has been crossed in my deepest core.  One can't necessarily predict where that line will be, but they know when it's been breached.

I can't say that I didn't try, because I most definitely did.  And I gave him the benefit of the doubt many times over (my sworn statement not to try again with him until he had worked on himself taunts me now).

I will say that after he said the words about breaking up again, I did have thoughts of killing him.  I was in shock.  I was enraged.  I got some answers out of him that I may talk about at some point.

But today, instead of despair or longing, I guess I would say I feel a real clarity that I do not want to be with him.  He shot so many holes in my trust that it couldn't hold water now if I wanted it to.  And honestly, I just don't respect him at this point.  He's deceived me, jerked me around, made agreements he didn't keep.  One too many times.

I'm still going to my doctor's appointment this week.  I'm not sure what I'll do with the information, but I want to find out what I can.

Dark and Random Thoughts

Random, thoughts for a rainy Wednesday (on the dark side so feel free to skip)...

• On efforts toward ttc.  As I've mentioned, it was such a nice change to be trying with a partner for the last half of last year.  We were planning on pulling out bigger guns after December.  I now wonder if S had cold feet around that idea which influenced his behavior to some degree.  I don't want to believe that, but when I look back at certain red flags, I do wonder.   For instance, when we both got onto his health care plan in November, I was most excited about the resources this opened up around ttc.  His reaction was decidedly deflating at that point, though we had discussed this benefit in the past.  

• So I'm still on the health plan.  I suppose since we seem to be broken up for the long hall, I should exit the plan and go back onto the minimalist plan I was on before.  It's so hard to accept that I may be out of time to try with my own eggs.  At 43, I feel like this is the last year I could reasonably try with injectables or IVF.  But I don't have the resources for either of those choices on my own.  It's depressing and brings up a lot of despair in me right now. 

• I feel like I'm drifting through life.  I honestly wonder if I have the fortitude and strength of character to build a full life on my own.  Has anyone else felt this way?  With S, I could see so many possibilities in terms of manifesting my dreams:  living in community, creating my own home and family, collaborating on Transition/sustainability projects together.  The idea of doing these things alone feels daunting and unattainable.  

• Finances come into play, I think, but just as important is having the stamina and energy.  I generate a lot of energy from interacting with someone else: brainstorming, acting as each others' sounding board, helping to making decisions, staying accountable, garnering more courage to stretch and try new things, motivating to engage with new projects and people.  I'm not an extrovert "go getter" by nature.  On my own, I tend to hibernate and withdraw.  I try to work against this tendency in myself, but I haven't been incredibly successful.  

• For example, my dancing, which is integral to my joy and sense of self, has been stuck in a rut for a while now.  I know that it would be "good for me" to expand my dance venues beyond my small, safe Sunday morning dance, but I fear the unknown.  This week, I put out feelers to local dance friends asking about attending the larger, weekly Dance Journey dance with me this Friday.  If no one else steps up, my intention is to go anyway.  I wish I had someone to hold me accountable and kick my butt if need be!

• I also know that I downplay and underestimate myself.  I actually have a lot of accomplishments under my belt.  But my most meaningful life goals seem elusive.  Maybe I'm just situationally depressed.

p.s. I have been continuing to talk collaboration with the administrator of that local economy/jobs website called PermaculturExchange.  Our project focus has been morphing it's focus, but I hope to begin some outreach to potential organizations/employers with project work needs in the near future.

p.p.s.  In rereading this post, it struck me that being with a partner, and being with S, doesn't necessarily make me a stronger person, but it makes me feel safer.  I feel like I'm not all alone in the world, struggling like a fish upstream.  Perhaps it numbs or cushions my raw, existential angst.  It also cushions me financially - that is the hard truth.  I think in an "ideal" relationship, two people would make one another stronger, bring out the best, and support one another's goals... but S and I did not reach that ideal.  He definitely allowed me to pursue ttc and also brightened my life with companionship and entertainment, but with regard to career and home/community, I don't think we consistently or effectively supported one another.  From my perspective, he held back a lot of himself from me.  And I could definitely put the blinders on...

It's Over... Again

Well, the Snake struck again.

I thought we were in an exploratory time together.  But he did his classic blindside routine, making a unilateral decision based on his own fears and insecurities. Instead of talking to me about these fears and insecurities. he informed me that he wasn't feeling the romantic side of things enough to continue moving forward.

I'm enraged and disgusted.  I trusted him and opened up to possibilities, though I had my own doubts.  I thought we were in it together.  There were so many ideas we discussed that will now never see the light of day.  I don't feel we gave it a good chance.

But believe me when I say I will not be lingering and suffering and analyzing over many months again.  He's not worth the time and energy.  I will be continuing on in my own growth growth and self-awareness process.  And hopefully I will meet someone who has the courage and the ability to meet me fully and honestly in an intimate relationship.  Until then, I will continue my own soul's work.

My doubts around chemistry definitely came up again this week, so from that perspective, I feel hope that I will find someone with whom I feel more spark.  And maybe, at some point soon, I will be in a position to pursue the family I've imagined for myself.

Today is a dark day, but I know tomorrow will be better.

Time Off and More Talking

This week has been one of three weeks off from my teaching job.  It just worked out that way because of a school break and a delay in signing on the next school.  Here's praying that the next school signs on the dotted line!  This situation classically illustrates the unreliable aspects of working for a grant program.  Luckily, I've been working double hours lately, which leaves me with a bit of savings.

I told myself (and S) that I was going to search for another part-time job for several hours every day this week.  I did spend time writing and reflecting on my goal of working as a Transition/Green Career Counselor.  And it looks like I can make some money working for the Perm.acultureXchange website, researching and conducting partner outreach..... but I haven't been disciplined enough and am feeling frustrated with myself.  Tomorrow is a new day and I WILL spend a good chunk of time to that end.

S and I spent all Sunday together.  The idea was that we would do our Sunday "routine," but, yeah, that didn't happen so much.  I came over and was flooded with emotion remembering the conflicts we had over there before we broke up and also that his ex had been living there all of December.

So, instead of Spiritual practice, we ended up talking a lot more about all that.  Then we did head down to the Farmer's Market and to dance/workout.  Followed by lunch and more talking.

Major insight:  when we've felt stuck trying to talk through conflict, he is totally committed to making me understand why my actions/strategy are not working, and I am totally committed to trying to reconnect through compassion for one another.  Mental versus emotional.  Head versus Heart.  Does not compute.  This is a breakthrough because we got stuck there a lot at the end!

Tonight we're going to dinner/movie.  And probably more talking!  Ha!

SSSaturday Night

Spending an exciting Saturday night cooking and watching a pre-recorded show about Whitney Houston's life.  Her voice was spine-tinglingly amazing and listening to "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" takes me right back to high school.  Just starting to get into the Bobby Brown part of her life.  I was sad to hear of her passing and would like to hear any new details that may help me understand more about her.

Last night, S and I had drinks at my house and then went out to dinner.  More talks.  More processing.  And an awareness that things feel different.  This may sound cheesy, but they feel more honest and real.  It seems like we are both willing to be more vulnerable.  

He's starting to get an inkling of how this situation affected me emotionally.  I'm better understanding his complete cluelessness.  lol  It's hard, but I have come to believe he did not "force my hand" in breaking up with him; that he truly did not think this situation would cause our relationship to implode.  

We've come to realize that we were both in some denial at the end of last year - hoping things would get better or "go back to normal" but growing farther apart.  I think the jealousy was largely connected to insecurities we both felt about our relationship.  There were ways I maintained distance from him in my heart.  He did the same.  I have some hope at this point that we both may be willing to do work that could open new possibilities.  But I'm not going there quite yet.  

I will say that tomorrow morning we are going to get together for our Sunday morning routine, which was something I always loved:  meditation and spiritual reading, a trip to the Farmer's Market, and carpooling up to my dance and his workout class.  I'm looking forward to it.  But even as I write this, I am realizing that I don't want to have expectations for things to unfold in some idealized way.  That was part of how I contributed to problems.  If difficult feelings come up in him or in me, I want to be present to them and not take the perspective that they are ruining things, if that makes sense.  

Okay, enough analysis, back to Whitney.  Hope you are all enjoying your weekend!

Report on "The Talk"

Talk with S went very well.  I was able to express the deep hurt and also the anger, and he heard it and felt things I wanted him to feel like guilt and compassion.  I understand more of his side of the fence--the main new information being that he was thrown both when I broke up with him and later when I said I didn't want to be friends.  He expected a reaction but not to that level.  He thought we would still go to Oregon.  Also, he thought I would come around to thinking about his history with the ex and bring that more into my considerations.  I reiterated how it felt like he emotionally broke up with me prior to me formally taking that action.

There were things he said that I want to know more about, like how he sees he has a pattern of "setting a trap," referring to the situation with me and his ex.  I want to know more about his feelings when he said that yes, he was going ahead with his plans despite how I felt and how I said I couldn't handle it.  I know some of the thought process, but I want to know the feelings.  Part of me still feels pain thinking of that moment and that decision on his part.  He said he felt dizzy and sick to his stomach when he got the email about me not wanting to be friends, and I admit that felt soothing to hear.  We acknowledged the sadness that we didn't get more help from resources in our community and the many connections we have.

We are going to talk again soon.  At the end of our talk, we held each other and ended up kissing.  I won't lie; it felt really good.  More warmth and tenderness mixed in with the passion part.  Who knows what that means.  I'm just trying to stay focused on myself as we talk through things that have needed talking for a long time.

A Busier than Usual Weekend

Actually getting together tomorrow in-person with S to talk about our relationship and it's demise.  I still struggle with wrapping my head and heart around his decision about the ex at the end, and how he could have held the idea of her coming out and staying with him in his head our entire relationship.  So hopefully I'll find a bit more peace with that whole thing.

The dark side in me that I want to forget, which I've shared a lot about in previous posts, revolves around my doubts around our chemistry and my judgments of him, as well as my tendency to want to force things to be what I wanted them to be at times.  I honestly think our two sides are connected.  It doesn't make it okay, but it helps explain the disconnect that might open the door for him to consider such things.

The confusing thing about relationships is that everything - all the issues and feelings - are wrapped around each other and interconnected like jungle vines.  Trying to dissect and unravel "my part" and "your part" can be an exercise in higher emotional math.  But, yes, I enjoy higher emotional math more than most!

Shout out to all you who've been enduring the sick lately.  I've been under the weather since a week ago last Tuesday with this cold/cough crud that's been going around.  I'm grateful there wasn't any severe congestion, knock on wood (this thing has had so many phases, I wouldn't be surprised if another one rolled around), but the coughing has been a real joy.  Not so much.

I'm kind of warped in my sense of humor sometimes and would tease certain more rowdy kids with threats I was going to cough on them.  hehe  Maybe that's really inappropriate; I'll probably get a call from a parent.  In my defense, I never actually DID it.  :-)

Brief side note:  I confirmed that there will be no hours for me for at least two or two-and-a-half months this summer = increase the urgency in search for added income sources!  I also talked to the Dean of our department, and she said there are no additional grant hours available.  And even if there were, I could only work a total of 16 hours a week per a specific District rule.  Disappointing.  She also said supportive things about my value to the team and gave me some positive guidance, so that felt good.

Looking forward to my Heart and Soul community meeting tonight and the Dances of Universal Peace being led by another member.  The creativity will continue tomorrow morning when I attend the Mosaic class my brother gave me for my birthday.  Their class description said we will all leave with a completed mosaic art piece; very cool!  Seems like good energy to move into my talk with S. . .

Seeking Within

The housemate and I watched the Super.bowl together and his team (he grew up in NY) won, so that was fun.  I made yummy 7-layer bean dip, and we drank porter and later cooked up some pesto pizza.  A regular party around these parts, yo!

I'm about to go read me some more of the book, "Undefended Love," which I shared about in a previous post.  If you go through a heart-wrenching breakup, you may as well get some personal growth out of it, right?  The exercises I've done so far have been helpful, though I'd like to be doing them with a partner.  C'est la vie.

I'm becoming more and more convinced that my time right now should be spent on working on myself versus seeking a man.  I'm tired of desperately seeking.  A psychic in San Luis Ob.ispo told me before I moved up here a couple years ago that the right man would find me.  That my baby was waiting for this man and I to get together.  She said this man would be good looking, not need mothering (as she said many men I've been with so far have needed), and would have a child already or we would adopt one together (in addition to the baby we would create).  So there you go.  I just need to hang out and wait for him to show up!

Regardless of the veracity of her prediction - and actually I need to write another post about growing doubts I'll even have a biological child - I'm sick and tired of Ma.tch f'ing com and all the other crap dating sites.  I'm too weird (i.e. too 'deep' and artsy and progressive, etc.) to find my match on there.  

Plus, I'm still sorting through the remnants of my breakup with S.  We talked on the phone Thursday night, which felt surprisingly good.  He proposed we just check in that night about what had been happening in our lives and then talk again in two or three days about the relationship, to which I agreed.  Since the conversation, I've been thinking of him more and missing him.  I know, however, that what I need to focus on is getting more clarity and possibly healing.

I think part of missing him is just plain feeling lonely.  This book is helping me to not run away from those feelings. . .

A Not-So-Bad Weekend

Looking at the number of comments, I wonder if people are getting sick of reading about my relationship analysis.  I don't blame those of you that feel that way.  It has been a lot.  But it helps me to understand.  I've always been that way.  Maybe because my dad was so internal and uncommunicative, and I never knew what was going on with him.  Or maybe it's just my personality (ha! there I go analyzing again).  And I do like to have a record of the process to look back on.

After the email exchange in the last post, I texted S to ask if he was attending a party I knew we were likely both invited to this weekend.  He wrote back no, and we ended up texting/emailing a bit over the weekend.  It's helping me a lot to know he cares and feels pain, as well, and to know more about where he's at right now.  Clearly, from his communication, he's avoiding really facing his feelings.  I can't force him to do so or to talk to me in person.  I know we will talk eventually, though, and that helps to let it go for now.

Believe me, I still have a lot of anger about the choices he made, but it is tempered somewhat by remembering my own feelings and choices and how they affected him throughout the relationship.

I went out with a friend yesterday afternoon to an art party.  It fed my need for beauty.  The artist (someone I know from my community work) does amazing drawings, and works with Batik in deep, vibrant colors.  I bought a small batik picture of a bridge, waterfall, and forest in an area of Washington called, "Five Step."  Growing up in Oregon and living in Seattle for so many years, I still feel a deep connection to the Northwest, and this picture brings that alive.  I can't wait to hang it up.

Afterwards, I went to a healing and expressive arts gathering.  When I walked in, they were doing a blessing of different directions.  I've done this before, but walking into it not knowing anyone, I felt awkward.  From then on, however, the meeting was fabulous.  We did some EFT and Franklin Method activities, and I led an Image Theatre visioning exercise for the group (picture below).  We will be meeting monthly, and I'm optimistic about where this group might lead for me personally and professionally.

All in all, a not-so-bad weekend.  Hope you had a good one, too!

P.S. I realize I never concluded the Cop saga:  as you might have guessed, it's over-and-done-thank-God.  A bit more texting silliness and word from him that he was once again immersed in drama with his ex, and that was the final straw I needed to say, "bye-bye."  Safe to say, I think that whole situation may have been a bit of a rebound thing. . .

Another Round of Fun

It's been a while, but I recently had another cry about my break-up with S.  The wave of sadness came on unexpectedly, as they often do; this one while re-reading our most recent email exchange.  


We had not communicated since I had emailed him post-Christmas, after receiving his email confirming he had spent the holiday with his ex and that his romantic feelings for us had been fading - according to him, of their own accord, not due to anyone else taking that focus.  I said that I doubted his ability to be truthful and did not want to be friends at this point, but may want to talk in the future.  


Then, a couple weeks ago I felt strong enough to talk further about our relationship and insights I had discovered.  So, I wrote him an email explaining the emotional pain in which I wrote the last email, but that I was now feeling the need for more closure and understanding.  I asked if he was willing to have a conversation, and this is the core of the reply I received:


"We did have something special. I'm left confused by our breakup. However, I feel deeply convinced that it's the right thing for me. 

I'm not up to, nor up for, discussing it with anyone yet, and probably least of all with you. I think I did a few things that would have been very hard on any relationship, and I think some of your ways of reacting and interacting were particularly hard on me (vs. some imaginary "average" man who's a bit less sensitive, especially to particular constructions of words). 

I have a lot to unpick on my side before I'll be more emotionally resilient, and ready to not require of a partner that they be extraordinarily resilient, just to withstand my being what seems like myself. I do still think this will need expert help. 

As we saw, the hard way, I also have strong connections to two of my exes, and I have to figure out just what I'm willing to give and take on those before I try a relationship again."


Is it just me, or is his tone excessively formal?  Actually, knowing him, I can say that he tends to write on the formal side but this is extremely formal, even for him.

He also said he's not ready to talk about our relationship as a whole and asked for space.  No specific timeframe but indicated several months.  Btw, he didn't say anything I hadn't already heard, content-wise, in the email.  Some of the things he says point out our differences in preference for direct and indirect communication.  I thought the way he framed the situation with his exes was particularly gentle on himself, to put it mildly.


After reading this email from him, I felt disappointed, angry, and hurt (also some yuckiness).  Because of the formality and refusal to engage with me, I guess.  Is his response fair?  What is going on with him?  Feeling guilty?  Or just emotionally overwhelmed and unable to deal with talking to me?  


It feels like he's holding onto control and not considering my feelings in the equation, which is resonant with how he's behaved as a whole during our breakup.  

I did write back an immediate response, which I don't regret, and which says some of the things I've wanted to say.  But it's far from comprehensive.  Here is an excerpt:

"I have a couple initial thoughts I'd like to share.  I want to be clear I was in not asking you to get back together.  I was asking for what I consider an extremely reasonable thing: to have a conversation about our relationship post-breakup.  That you will not have this with me is deeply confusing and hurtful to me.  Do you not feel some sense of responsibility, or, if not that, caring for my needs around this?  I don't understand what is so scary or threatening about talking to me.  Part of what I wanted to share with you has to do with my own revelations about myself and some of the choices I made; stuff I imagine you would want to hear."


I then expressed some strongly-worded feelings about how his choices at the end of our relationship sucked and diminished my view of us and our relationship. . .


". . .That said, I recognize my own role in our issues, including checking out sometimes and not being present to what was actually happening, taking you and your communication for granted at times (or not respecting and caring for your feelings at times around communication).  And there was lots of stuff with our chemistry, on both sides.  I just wanted it to get better but was not admitting that it was not getting better and was in fact getting worse.  I don't completely understand, because the emotional/mental is so interconnected with the physical, but there were problems and I don't think I faced them directly at the end."


Ah breakups, how fun you are.  Not.


I'm really doing okay overall and healing well.  But we shared so much, and he and our relationship meant a lot to me.  I want to understand as much as I can about what happened.  And I do want more closure.  I suppose I may have to find more closure for myself at this time, as so many people have had to do before me when their partner refused to process with them.  


Admittedly, when I transport myself back through the reality of our relationship, I remember how so many times I did not want to get close to him in circumstances that I think in a "healthy enough" relationship you should want to get close to someone.  As I said to him, I don't fully understand how the emotional/mental connects to the physical.  On some level, did I sense that he was not being completely transparent with me about his exes and therefore feel unsafe and less attracted/sexual with him?  I don't know.  He had lapses in his feelings of hotness for me too that may have fed into my feelings.  


Overall though, I don't think the hotness factor was high enough for what I want and need in a long-term relationship.  SO many wonderful companion qualities were present.  And at the beginning, he was so into me that it fueled my passion for him.  Does anyone else experience this phenomenon of feeling more attracted to someone if they are totally into you?  Anyway, this pattern seemed to subside far too quickly, within a couple months of us committing to each other.  


Another factor that fueled our attraction/connection was trying to get pregnant.  Something both of us really wanted.  And it was exciting that we both were so fully on board with this goal and working toward it together, going through the process each month as a team.  I can tell you, after trying for many cycles over the years as a single woman, it was really nice to have someone else next to me on the roller coaster sharing mutual support.  But month after month of failure. . . and then we took a month off from trying. . . and our already deflating passion seemed to deflate further.  


Thanks for listening to my ongoing analysis.  Your support and comments through this breakup has really meant a lot to me and helped me through the dark times.  


Part of me would like to write a second email to him saying, "F you," to take some control (and if I'm honest, hurt him like he hurt me).  But that would be shooting myself in the foot considering we are part of the same community and will have to deal with each other in the future.  


Also, emotionally, I would like to end on a healthy note, ideally even a loving note, but time will tell if that is possible.  For now, I will just keep healing my own heart and writing my feelings, as needed, on my own.  And if I get to the place where I want to send him a more comprehensive final letter, I can do that too.