Pregnant with Possibilities

I'm so tired right now.  Yesterday, career fair.  Today, science and math conference.  Both for middle school young'uns.  Both actually fun, engaging, purposeful.  But also high octane energy!

Then, tomorrow, I'm co-facilitating the Inner Transition workshop I mentioned.  We have 20 participants!  Woo hoo!  But it feels a bit overwhelming at the moment.  I think maybe some meditation, some TV chilling and a fairly early bedtime are in order this evening.  First, however, I need to write out a few notes about what I will say at certain points tomorrow....

Other exciting happenings and potentialities:

• At the conference today, one of the other counselors recommended to our Dean that I be switched to working with the high schools (involving college matriculation process and teaching some career and CTE - Career Tech.nical Education - classes).  I could have kissed her!  So very, very cool that she did this!  The Dean apparently said, "What about N (my boss)?" and the counselor said, "She can submit a posting for the job."  And the Dean said, "Oh, okay," or something relatively positive like that.  

• Anyway, this counselor recommending me is a big deal because she is well-loved there and has a close relationship with the Dean.  Please think good thoughts!  Though I've come to love my little pre-teensters, teaching 40 of them in this set curriculum, with all the behavior management involved, is not playing to my strengths.  I can do it for a while longer but would so like to shift to older youth, who are more ready to be thinking seriously about their lives and careers.

• On the ttc front, my two test results both came back negative, which I guess is a good thing.  They were:  Lup.us Coagulant and Cardio.lipin Antibody (Cardio.lipin AB, serum).  Anybody know much about these tests?  I guess they have to do with immunological and clotting issues.

• I can't believe I might be doing another donor IUI soon.  But that seems to be where my path is leading at the moment.  And, though I don't prefer it, I will go forward with it if possible, at the same time I continue to explore other avenues.  Speaking of which, nothing much happening on the co-parent front.  The L.A. guy is still coming Memorial Day, and there is one decent-seeming guy (graduate degree, attractive, sounds sane) in Sacramento who wants to meet, so we'll see.

• Meanwhile, I have a huge crush on a Latino gentleman in my theatre class who is studying to become a Jesuit priest.  What?  Yep, that's right.  Ridiculous, people, my love life is currently ridiculous.

p.s. I'm about to ovulate and I really wish I could do something about it!

Another Action-Packed Saturday

Yesterday started with a productive meeting about an upcoming Transition training I'm producing on the 19th.  I'm super excited about how it's coming together with several people I admire and respect involved.  Plus we'll be offering several effective and useful tools for Transition groups to support their members with "Inner Transition" (psychological/emotional shift in response to issues like climate change and economic instability) and to basically just liven up (and in some cases deepen) their meetings and events.  A great way to start the day with some very cool people.

But we all know where my mind and heart is most focused at this time, soooo, moving on... I then met with Gary from the East Coast.  It was as I expected as far as a complete lack of attraction or even seeing how I might have been attracted to him 10 years ago.  Nada.  He was also, not unexpectedly, super easy to communicate and get along with, and we had an enjoyable lunch and walk around a cute neighborhood area.  I can see he is a very good person and would make a great father, but I'm still feeling clear that I need that sense of finding someone relatively attractive in order to procreate with them.   He did share he's been having a fun adventure on this trip, seeing lots of friends he hadn't seen in a long time, which makes me feel a bit better about things not working out with us.

After leaving Gary, I had a few hours to chill out and eat something (and spend some time getting ready) before heading out for a third date with the guy, JR, I first met for breakfast a couple weeks ago.  We had an interesting phone call this week that started fairly contentious when he got a little too much into my biznas by analyzing me (it does take one to know one!).  But after a bit, the conversation settled down, and we ended up talking for almost two hours, which is what we did last time we talked, as well.  

And last night's date was a lot better than the one before.  We went to a movie and then had a drink and talked.  Very interesting topics like spirituality and relationship, etc.  It was fun.  I do find that I am a lot more relaxed with someone I don't know well after drinking a glass of wine.  I guess that's probably not unusual.  He's mentioning future things we will do together, so I think he's feeling a desire to keep getting to know one another.  I guess I am too, though still have reservations about the communication stuff.  But knowing I have a lot of fear and trust issues in that area makes me want to keep an open mind.  We shared a nice kiss goodbye at the end...

Today, I'm tired from not sleeping well but got out this morning and went running, then showered and ran some errands.  My book and the backyard are calling my name, then tonight I'm going to watch an old season of Private Prac.tice and maybe a movie.  Since my mother is not local and I'm not a mother yet, I'll spend tomorrow with my dance friends; first dancing, then picnicking at a nearby park.  Some of the regular dancers have kids, so it will be a fun family atmosphere.  

What are you all doing?  If you're trying to conceive, is Mother's Day difficult for you?  The holidays are way harder for me - this one doesn't get me so much for some reason.  Maybe partly because my mom passed away when I was young and I haven't had a very close relationship with my (step) Mom?  So, it's never stood out as a particularly special day.  I hope that changes.

More soon about additional co-parent updates and procuring drugs...

A Busier than Usual Weekend

Actually getting together tomorrow in-person with S to talk about our relationship and it's demise.  I still struggle with wrapping my head and heart around his decision about the ex at the end, and how he could have held the idea of her coming out and staying with him in his head our entire relationship.  So hopefully I'll find a bit more peace with that whole thing.

The dark side in me that I want to forget, which I've shared a lot about in previous posts, revolves around my doubts around our chemistry and my judgments of him, as well as my tendency to want to force things to be what I wanted them to be at times.  I honestly think our two sides are connected.  It doesn't make it okay, but it helps explain the disconnect that might open the door for him to consider such things.

The confusing thing about relationships is that everything - all the issues and feelings - are wrapped around each other and interconnected like jungle vines.  Trying to dissect and unravel "my part" and "your part" can be an exercise in higher emotional math.  But, yes, I enjoy higher emotional math more than most!

Shout out to all you who've been enduring the sick lately.  I've been under the weather since a week ago last Tuesday with this cold/cough crud that's been going around.  I'm grateful there wasn't any severe congestion, knock on wood (this thing has had so many phases, I wouldn't be surprised if another one rolled around), but the coughing has been a real joy.  Not so much.

I'm kind of warped in my sense of humor sometimes and would tease certain more rowdy kids with threats I was going to cough on them.  hehe  Maybe that's really inappropriate; I'll probably get a call from a parent.  In my defense, I never actually DID it.  :-)

Brief side note:  I confirmed that there will be no hours for me for at least two or two-and-a-half months this summer = increase the urgency in search for added income sources!  I also talked to the Dean of our department, and she said there are no additional grant hours available.  And even if there were, I could only work a total of 16 hours a week per a specific District rule.  Disappointing.  She also said supportive things about my value to the team and gave me some positive guidance, so that felt good.

Looking forward to my Heart and Soul community meeting tonight and the Dances of Universal Peace being led by another member.  The creativity will continue tomorrow morning when I attend the Mosaic class my brother gave me for my birthday.  Their class description said we will all leave with a completed mosaic art piece; very cool!  Seems like good energy to move into my talk with S. . .

Strange Days

Strange days, folks, strange days.

It feels like more time has passed than actually has since Christmas.  Still a little freaky that S and I actually broke up.  I did not see that coming (before finding out about the ex living with him for a month, that is).

Never expected to be back on the ridiculous site known as matc.h.c.om.  Ridiculous, yet so enticing for us introverts.  You mean I don't have to go out and actually meet and make small talk with people?  Awesome.  Of course, eventually you do need to meet the person and take things offline.

Which is precisely where I am with the former officer of the law: just prior to meeting.  Honestly, I'm not sure I really should.  We are sooo different, and he's way less open and self-aware at this point.  He says he wants to grow and learn in that area.  On the other hand, he is quite spiritual and analytical: I think I mentioned he was a hostage negotiator and also led a youth mentoring program for quite a while.

So he's got some depth but he's also a pretty well-constructed external shell, as you might imagine he would, thinking of a stereotypical person in law enforcement.  Also, though he's been broken up with his ex-wife for a year, their final papers are just now going through and he's still feeling some pain.

One more facet of our connection: we've had these crazy "energetic exchanges," I guess you would call them, where we're on the phone not talking but feeling as though we are physically connected in a yummy cuddly type way.  It feels really amazing and kinda trips me out. . . We're supposed to get together Sunday, so we'll see.

On other fronts, teaching the little hellions two days a week is okay so far, knock on wood.  My supervisor is interviewing and should hire someone soon.  I'm planning to ask the head of our department if there are any other grants on which I might assist, in addition to this one.  Funding is always uncertain but they have a big variety of grants, and I understand they may need some help.

And then I have my Transition Heart and Soul meeting tomorrow night.  A group called "Green Sangha" will be coming to lead meditation and discuss consciousness / meditation / sustainability / green principles.  Fun stuff!

Saturday, I'm planning to attend the opening of a local Peace and Justice Center here in Oak.land and a Non-Violent Communication Workshop on navigating interpersonal conflict in the afternoon.  I see on Fac.ebook that S is signed up to attend the opening, as well.  It may be our first community "run in," which is a bit scary.

I actually wrote him an email yesterday asking if he would be willing to have a more closure-type relationship talk, now that some time has passed.

Waves of sadness and missing him come and go now, but they're smaller and a lot farther between (I can't say the cop hasn't been a distraction).  Anger still colors my view of our demise.  I'm not sure how I'll feel if I run into him at this event.  Imagining it will be awkward.

NaBloPoMo: Between

Welcome to National Blog Posting Month!  I have been meaning to sign on for a second month (after my trial run a few months ago, in which my performance was fair to middlin'), so as to plug into that external motivation, kick-in-the-butt energy of a commitment to post daily.  So here we go!

I like the theme for this month, and the picture too for that matter.  In this moment, I can think of several "Betweens" in my life.  It especially feels like I'm at a "Between" place in my career. . . even though I have a part-time job, it doesn't take much of my time, and I still feel stalled out in my life purpose.  Looking for that meaningful, creative project to sink my teeth in to, in addition to more professional counseling/assessment work.

Secondly, as you can see from reading my blog lately, I'm engaged in efforts toward trying to conceive, which feels like a "Between" place, as well: not yet a mother, but wanting it deeply, in my bones.

And finally, my relationship with sh/cm is "Between" the states of "seriously committed," and "we're in it for the long haul."  Which again, may sound crazy considering we're trying to have a child, but it makes sense to us.

Makes sense in that we both long for a child, and we would clearly be committed co-parents no matter what happens.  I'm hopeful we will eventually be more seriously committed romantic partners, as well.  But at this time, we are working through some things (including his ex coming in to town for two weeks of work, part of which he plans to assist her with, at the beginning of January grrrr).

So, I think I have lots of grist for the "Between" mill this month, in addition to my regular life and cycle updates.  I look forward to exploring with you all!

Work that Reconnects

I attended a workshop on Saturday called, "The Work that Reconnects," created by Joanna Macy. http://www.joannamacy.net/theworkthatreconnects/goals.html

My recent meeting with the local Transition Towns (TT) "Heart and Soul" group in Albany led me to this workshop, and I left feeling excited about potential of these exercises to empower and build local community. On a personal level, I feel excited about working with these people toward TT goals and that this collaboration might be really fun and fulfilling!

A little more about my experience: The exercises were really deep and engaging and led us into asking deep questions of one another. It was amazing to me what was revealed in such a short time in some of the partner activities, leaving you feeling like you really got a sense of who the person is, of their fundamental life experiences and what shapes them.

Some of the dialogue questions included asking about the person who most gave you a sense of your own worth, about a significant place from your childhood, what you love about nature/earth, and your feelings about what is happening now with the earth and other things - all very rich.

In one of the following exercises, we created a "Truth Mandala" with four corners: leaves representing grief, a bowl for emptiness, a sturdy stick for anger, and a stone for fear. We took turns visiting the corners and speaking to one or more of these emotions. I felt honored and amazed to witness others’ emotional expression, which I experienced as authentic, truthful, and without embellishment or prettying up.

I shared about grief about the current work situation in world: how limited it is and how people are expected to fit into little boxes/niches and are not nurtured and guided to express their true essence/gifts. How wounding shallow judgments can be, such as the judgment that not enough status or money=a meaningless life etc.

The grief started on a personal level stemming from recent conversations with my father and the subsequent emotional shift I've already talked about to fully claim my life and my own identity. . .but also expanded out to recognize the way our system fails so many people, fails to value and capture everyone's gifts, all of which are needed as we evolve to become a stronger, more sustainable (and humane) community/society. I felt safe to let go and openly express those things.

The final exercise we did was in triads, in which each group rotated roles with one person representing themselves and sharing their intention going forward, then alternately expressing their "voice of doubt". The second person spoke from the role of the first person's ancestor, and the third person spoke to them from the voice of a "future being".

Through this exercise, I was reassured that my gifts (counseling, training, creativity) are very much needed and was told the pill to relieve constipated creative expression is FAITH in my gifts. I need to nurture and water the seeds so they can continue to grow. The future being told me that a combination of my gifts is key and that they will be useful, especially counseling, in coming times.

Later, one of my group members, Eva, offered an idea that had really worked for her cousin about volunteering leading to a perfect wonderful job for them and also a networking opportunity with her son who teaches theatre at Berkeley high school. She said he’s gone in the schools and done some social change/socially relevant plays and explorative curriculum with the students, which sounds cool.

You never know where networking may lead. They invited me to a showing of the film, "The Economics of happiness," at their house, which I’m interested in attending and will likely have a chance to talk with their son then.

A last point: I am grateful for the facilitator, Anne, and the way she utilized her own relevant life stories and shared from her heart. She really created a sense of safety for the group.

*Side note: Synergistically, in sharing about this workshop with some ecstatic dance friends on Sunday, I think I may have found a volunteer opportunity providing career counseling services for parolees through a county mental health organization!