The Summer Dating Diaries

Since it looks like I'll be putting some energy into dating, as well as ttc, this summer, I guess I'll be writing some posts on that topic, too.

The date I mentioned in the prior post was a little bit older guy I met on Mat.ch.com.  He looked cute in his pictures, but there were no close-ups of his face.  When we met, I was a bit disappointed.  We had a couple doozy phone calls, where the energy was crackling and it seemed we had tons of chemistry.  I was actually imagining a relationship, and he was saying things along those lines, as well.  But I think he was being overly accommodating and giving himself a bit too much credit in the personal growth/consciousness arena.

Have I mentioned that I feel I've truly limited my relationship prospects through all the self-awareness/counseling/communication stuff I've done?  In a way, I think it makes me a good partner because I can take more responsibility for my own issues, but on the other hand, I don't have a lot of tolerance if they don't meet me half way.

In any case, after I adjusted to his true appearance (vs. what I'd imagined - a risk of online dating), he gave me the flowers he brought and I handed over a bag of fresh apricots from our garden.  But the flowery romance ended there.  His expression was kind of intense and surly, where he didn't sound that way on the phone.  Also, he kind of had this flat affect, and, considering I'd had the super hard conversation with the doctor earlier that day, I was wanting a little more warmth and kindness.

So, I think I responded a bit harshly to a less than compassionate question he asked, and the situation spiraled down from there.  He got defensive, I felt sad, he shut down and scurried us out of the restaurant, I shut down, he overreacted to that and got more defensive... ach!  I guess in a broad stroke view, we just weren't a good in-person match!

Two odd things about it, though:  One, I normally don't connect that well with people on the phone at first; and two, we seemed to have that smell chemistry I've spoken about before, which made me really wish we were on the same wavelength in other areas!  Oh well, onward and upward....

In a rather odd turn of events, I'm going hiking next Saturday with my brother's friend, T.  When my brother, his wife, and T went out the other night for drinks/dinner prior to our family Ta.hoe trip, I may have gotten a little tipsy and asked T what he thought about the idea of being a donor/co-parent.  Ooops!!!  For God's sake, not appropriate, woman!  But, yes, I did it.

See, T and I have always had this "energy"... well, the few times I've hung out with my brother and him over the past few years.  We are both pretty liberal and open-minded and like to brainstorm and explore different "off the beaten path" topics.  My brother has even kind of hinted he thought we might get along, despite the fact I'm quite a bit older than him.

Also factoring in:  I was just coming off this Sky.pe relationship with a guy in Britain because - uh oh, here is is again - he didn't smell good.  I don't think I talked a lot about that on here.  In brief, it didn't feel real in a way because it was just Sky.pe, but we did talk every day for about three weeks.  He was talking about coming out to visit.  So, knowing myself, and how important chemistry is to me, I wanted to assure that we had some before he flew halfway 'round the world.  So, I asked him to wear a t-shirt and send it to me.  Unfortunately, it wasn't a match. :(  Bummer.

This had just happened before the evening with my brother and wife and T, and, in one of those weird slightly tipsy conversations about things, I ended up smelling T.  Guess what?  He smelled really good.  Not a great reason to ask someone to be a donor?  No, probably not.  I guess I wasn't thinking too clearly.

Anyway, he actually said he didn't think he could just be a donor and not be involved as a father, and so I briefly mentioned co-parenting.  At this point, we were talking privately, but then we were all seated for dinner and the conversation ended there.

After I got back from Tah.oe, we actually talked about it again on the phone.  Basically, he really wants to be a dad but wants the "whole package" of a wife and family and doesn't feel a strong sexual attraction to me.  I totally get that.  I am almost 10 years older than him, plus he hasn't had many relationships and his last one (about 10 years ago) was with someone several years younger than him.  He still has hope that he's going to experience that hit you over the head, love at first sight thing.  Who am I to burst his bubble?  I guess it does occasionally happen with someone who might be an appropriate partner.  *For those of you in partnership, did this happen to you when you met?

But the awesome thing is that we talked through things, and we're going hiking next weekend with his dog in tow.  I'm kind of excited just for the fun of it and getting out for a summer hike.  We'll see how it goes.

And on a final note to this long saga, I connected with a cute, single guy at my dance group on Sunday (cute, single guys never come to my dance group!) and we hung out after dance and got a little cuddly. He's coming to my Inter.Play class tomorrow night, and hopefully we'll hang out a bit after.  Wow, that almost sounds normal!  Well, one out of four isn't bad, right?

Donor Decision

I've been meaning to write a post about my donor plan, so.... here it is!

As you know, I was fervently hoping that the perfect co-parent situation would manifest for me, but no such luck.  I learned a lot in this most-recent exploration process!  Attraction does matter!  At least for me.   And it was eye opening to realize that many of us SMCs do choose our donors based on whether we would be attracted to them or date them (or have sex with them to be more explicit :) in real life.

The co-parent from L.A. to whom I WAS attracted physically ended up being a dud in other important areas like communication.  Case in point. we were supposed to meet when he came into town over Memorial Day.  I asked a couple of times for a time frame of when he wanted to meet up on Monday, which is when he said he would be available.  He never got back to me.  And he seemed generally evasive that week.  Then, on Monday, just before we were supposed to meet, I get a text saying traffic was bad and he won't have enough time to get together.  Grrrr

I kind of had a feeling it was going to happen, but still, it was frustrating.  I wouldn't want to be in a co-parent situation with someone who communicates like that.  Clearly, he was having doubts but, rather than say that or just cancel our plans ahead of time, he did what he did.

Anyway, if I had more time, I could continue the process: research another round of co-parents, contact them and start communicating, get down the the serious stuff, meet up a few times, etc.  But realistically, this does take at least a couple or months, ideally several.  So, I've let go of that option for this immediate round of trying.

What am I doing instead?  Donor insemination.  I've been down that road before, so I knew where I wanted to go and moved through the decision process very quickly.  The bank I chose, TSBC, has less choices than some of the other ones but has a lot of positives, including a nearby location that will allow me to pick up the sample myself.

The donor I selected is ID-release, and I felt a definite connection with him through his profile.  He has a large build, freckles, and is very creative. His baby picture looked a little bit like my nephew and was so cute to me.

This cycle continues to progress, and I have my first monitoring appointment tomorrow.  I hope I have several good follicles going.  I think I already said this, but I'm so grateful to have the monitoring as I go along to see how things are progressing, as well as the HCG trigger shot to assure the IUI is timed properly.  I've never had either of those things before, and it just felt like a stab in the dark.  I'll write a post after my appointment tomorrow.  Fingers crossed!

My Latin Crush

My Latin Crush came over for dinner last night.  To give some backstory:  we have had this really wonderful chemistry in my theatre class whenever we are partnered.  And when a few of us went to dinner afterwards, I drove him there and sat next to him and, let's just say, there was a lot of energy.  We were always connected, legs touching all through dinner, etc.  It sounds so high school, but it was fun.

In my direct way, I brought up our energy connection to him that night and said, though I knew it maybe wasn't right (due to the Jesuit thing), I couldn't help but ask if he wanted to hang out.  Well, it was kind of funny because he didn't know what that meant.  What is this "hang out"?  ha  But we ended up exchanging emails and trying to make plans...but nothing came of it.  It seemed like he had some ambivalence, understandably.   So I said thanks anyway, and good luck.

Then a couple more classes, and more energy and some talking and again, I asked him if we might get together and talk outside of class.  I swear it just popped out of my mouth, even though I knew it was not the best idea.  It was so hard to be talking, and then get pulled apart by rotating partners.  I wanted more time with him, I couldn't help it.  So he said "Yes," and we actually managed to make plans this time.

And last night was the big night and.... it was so painfully predictable!

I will say it started out wonderfully - talking, showing him our garden, making dinner, drinking some wine and talking some more.  We discussed our prior interactions, and at first he was playing it cool, like he hadn't felt like he wanted more outside of class, but he basically ended up acknowledging that he did want to see me.  I pointed out that I totally gave him an out the night at dinner when I first asked him about "hanging out," and he didn't take it.

Anyway, he also admitted he feels torn sometimes about becoming a Jesuit and questions his long-term commitment, similar to how someone would question whether they wanted to be married to someone.  I shared about my relationship frustrations, in a big picture kind of way - my perfectionism and difficulty in settling down and feeling satisfied - and he actually helped me in thinking about life and relationships as a gift.  He also gave me the perspective that this balance I see between companionship and sexual chemistry can happen in my own life first.

Clearly there are limitations with the sexual chemistry part. lol  But I see in my own life that I'm actually more focused on physical expression through dance and theatre and less on the spiritual/emotional side.  I've been saying for a long time that I would like to find a spiritual community, so perhaps I'll put more energy into that now.

So, deep conversations were being had, and I was enjoying it very much.  After dinner, things shifted pretty quickly into physical connection.  At first, the kind of contact we do in our Inter.play theatre class, but then more sensual and then, what do you know, we're basically making out.   Definitely getting heated. When all of a sudden, he puts on the brakes.  That's the painfully predictable part.  How could I think it would go any other way?  And then, the also predictable feelings of guilt on his part.  Yuck.  And sad and hard to just screech to a stop.

A bit later, I said to him that I wished he could have just taken a step back instead of completely retreating like that.  Anyway, I was kind of mad, more frustrated and disappointed I suppose, but I do understand.  He's struggling with his own commitment to the Jesuit path, but he's still in the commitment.  And yes, he was full steam ahead to that point and then kind of dropped things, but at some level I knew that point would come.

So, no blame.  Disappointment and some sadness, yes.  But I care about him and wish good things for him.  He leaves on the 29th to spend the summer helping and supporting people in prison in Mexico for the summer.  You have to admire that kind of generosity and heart.  I hope he finds clarity and peace with his path, whatever direction it takes.

In one way, this experience was very affirming for me.  He and I had a lot of chemistry and sometimes I question whether I can find people with whom I have this strong of a connection.

I don't have big plans for the weekend.  Going to a Transition Town movie event on Sunday.  Meeting the co-parent from L.A. on Monday, I guess.  I haven't talked to him for a few days, but I assume that's still the plan.  I keep hoping for something to magically drop into place to help me make my decision about this coming cycle, but nothing yet.  I need to decide by next week.  What are your plans?

Pregnant with Possibilities

I'm so tired right now.  Yesterday, career fair.  Today, science and math conference.  Both for middle school young'uns.  Both actually fun, engaging, purposeful.  But also high octane energy!

Then, tomorrow, I'm co-facilitating the Inner Transition workshop I mentioned.  We have 20 participants!  Woo hoo!  But it feels a bit overwhelming at the moment.  I think maybe some meditation, some TV chilling and a fairly early bedtime are in order this evening.  First, however, I need to write out a few notes about what I will say at certain points tomorrow....

Other exciting happenings and potentialities:

• At the conference today, one of the other counselors recommended to our Dean that I be switched to working with the high schools (involving college matriculation process and teaching some career and CTE - Career Tech.nical Education - classes).  I could have kissed her!  So very, very cool that she did this!  The Dean apparently said, "What about N (my boss)?" and the counselor said, "She can submit a posting for the job."  And the Dean said, "Oh, okay," or something relatively positive like that.  

• Anyway, this counselor recommending me is a big deal because she is well-loved there and has a close relationship with the Dean.  Please think good thoughts!  Though I've come to love my little pre-teensters, teaching 40 of them in this set curriculum, with all the behavior management involved, is not playing to my strengths.  I can do it for a while longer but would so like to shift to older youth, who are more ready to be thinking seriously about their lives and careers.

• On the ttc front, my two test results both came back negative, which I guess is a good thing.  They were:  Lup.us Coagulant and Cardio.lipin Antibody (Cardio.lipin AB, serum).  Anybody know much about these tests?  I guess they have to do with immunological and clotting issues.

• I can't believe I might be doing another donor IUI soon.  But that seems to be where my path is leading at the moment.  And, though I don't prefer it, I will go forward with it if possible, at the same time I continue to explore other avenues.  Speaking of which, nothing much happening on the co-parent front.  The L.A. guy is still coming Memorial Day, and there is one decent-seeming guy (graduate degree, attractive, sounds sane) in Sacramento who wants to meet, so we'll see.

• Meanwhile, I have a huge crush on a Latino gentleman in my theatre class who is studying to become a Jesuit priest.  What?  Yep, that's right.  Ridiculous, people, my love life is currently ridiculous.

p.s. I'm about to ovulate and I really wish I could do something about it!

Another Action-Packed Saturday

Yesterday started with a productive meeting about an upcoming Transition training I'm producing on the 19th.  I'm super excited about how it's coming together with several people I admire and respect involved.  Plus we'll be offering several effective and useful tools for Transition groups to support their members with "Inner Transition" (psychological/emotional shift in response to issues like climate change and economic instability) and to basically just liven up (and in some cases deepen) their meetings and events.  A great way to start the day with some very cool people.

But we all know where my mind and heart is most focused at this time, soooo, moving on... I then met with Gary from the East Coast.  It was as I expected as far as a complete lack of attraction or even seeing how I might have been attracted to him 10 years ago.  Nada.  He was also, not unexpectedly, super easy to communicate and get along with, and we had an enjoyable lunch and walk around a cute neighborhood area.  I can see he is a very good person and would make a great father, but I'm still feeling clear that I need that sense of finding someone relatively attractive in order to procreate with them.   He did share he's been having a fun adventure on this trip, seeing lots of friends he hadn't seen in a long time, which makes me feel a bit better about things not working out with us.

After leaving Gary, I had a few hours to chill out and eat something (and spend some time getting ready) before heading out for a third date with the guy, JR, I first met for breakfast a couple weeks ago.  We had an interesting phone call this week that started fairly contentious when he got a little too much into my biznas by analyzing me (it does take one to know one!).  But after a bit, the conversation settled down, and we ended up talking for almost two hours, which is what we did last time we talked, as well.  

And last night's date was a lot better than the one before.  We went to a movie and then had a drink and talked.  Very interesting topics like spirituality and relationship, etc.  It was fun.  I do find that I am a lot more relaxed with someone I don't know well after drinking a glass of wine.  I guess that's probably not unusual.  He's mentioning future things we will do together, so I think he's feeling a desire to keep getting to know one another.  I guess I am too, though still have reservations about the communication stuff.  But knowing I have a lot of fear and trust issues in that area makes me want to keep an open mind.  We shared a nice kiss goodbye at the end...

Today, I'm tired from not sleeping well but got out this morning and went running, then showered and ran some errands.  My book and the backyard are calling my name, then tonight I'm going to watch an old season of Private Prac.tice and maybe a movie.  Since my mother is not local and I'm not a mother yet, I'll spend tomorrow with my dance friends; first dancing, then picnicking at a nearby park.  Some of the regular dancers have kids, so it will be a fun family atmosphere.  

What are you all doing?  If you're trying to conceive, is Mother's Day difficult for you?  The holidays are way harder for me - this one doesn't get me so much for some reason.  Maybe partly because my mom passed away when I was young and I haven't had a very close relationship with my (step) Mom?  So, it's never stood out as a particularly special day.  I hope that changes.

More soon about additional co-parent updates and procuring drugs...

Romance and Reproduction, Part 3

This week has definitely been eventful (with regard to men anyway). 

On Thursday, I had a second date with the guy I liked from last weekend.  Unfortunately, it was a bit of a let-down.  In what is likely not a surprise to most of you: communication is important to me!  Ha! 

Apparently he's been listening to a lot of Buddhist tapes lately (not meditating though!), and has talked with me about his excitement about learning to control his feelings and reactions through changing his thoughts/focus.  This sounds positive on the surface, but translates into seeming sort of distant and unengaged.  And also, when I have feelings, not responding to them in a warm or accepting way.  We're coming from opposite directions, ironically: With a Masters in psychology and lots of personal growth work, I'm all about authenticity and expressing feelings, and he's all about changing them on not giving them much attention!  You can see the problem. 

Plus, there was this awkward moment - I guess a lesson for me - where I thought he was paying for dinner, but he wasn't really in on that plan.  I had said I needed to go somewhere moderate, but he chose a sushi place and proceeded to order tons of food.  So, I assumed (note to self, never assume) that meant he's decided to cover most or all of the bill.  But when it came, he talked about me paying for my part or getting the next dinner or whatever.  Maybe that was reasonable?  I don't know, it just didn't feel good.  But I take responsibility for not speaking up when I saw where things are going and "making an ass out of u and me."  Plus, on top of all that, I can tell he still drinks a lot, which isn't my thing at this point, and has a rambling-on-and-on talking habit. 

So, guess this one isn't likely to go anywhere, after the initial promising chemistry. :(

Moving on to yesterday, the day of two back-to-back Skype conversations with two different potential co-parents.  The first one was with the East Coast guy who was planning on coming out next week.  I've been trying to work out this lack of primal attraction thing, but have finally come to the conclusion that, whether it "should" be true or not, this type of attraction is important for me to have with someone with whom I'm procreating, regardless of whether there's any sexual contact.  I think it's actually very normal, hearing that many other women considered whether they would be attracted or have sex with their donors.  And I felt the same way with the donors I used for my IUIs.

When you think about it, as women, we are genetically combining with these men and taking them (or a genetic piece of them) into our bodies.  There is some intimacy there.  Probably moreso when it's a co-parent or known donor who you will be seeing regularly once the child is born.  But for me, it just feels very primal - like it's just not right and I can't be open to the process if I don't feel some physical attraction for them.  And I just don't have that with this guy. 

I think I started having a problem when I looked at his Facebook pictures.  There were pictures from five or ten years back and quite a few pictures in different scenarios with different people.  Not attracted to any of them.  And in fact, especially not attracted to one where he was showing more of his body.  When I was talking to him on Skype, there was a lot of positive connection on other levels that shadowed that, I think.

Anyway, we talked through it in a very positive and caring way, actually.  I do love his level of consciousness!  He's still coming out to see friends, and we will get together just on Friday afternoon.  He shared that he'd thought we had a spiritual connection and there may be some purpose for us meeting, even if it wasn't co-parenting.  I was definitely focused on the co-parenting, but it does go along with the resonance I felt with him.  I at least would like to meet him as friends, and there's always that slight chance something would shift in me when interacting with him in-person, but this is highly doubtful.  I feel great relief that he will not be staying with me for four days!

The second Skype call was with the guy from L.A., who has a three-year-old son from a previous marriage.  Ironically, the situation is kind of reversed with him.  I do feel an attraction, but communication is not nearly as comfortable or deep.  He tends to share a lot of stories, with more detail than I'd like to know.  Not inappropriate detail, more descriptive and unnecessary detail.  So, I feel somewhat frustrated and bored when he's talking. 

On the good side, he's clearly very caring and responsible, a wonderful and loving father, and is open to honest communication and feedback that I've given.  Some men would be angry or defensive when I say something about wanting more of a personal connection and less details or whatever.  I tend to be very direct at times!  He seems to roll with things and respond honestly and directly, so I like that. 

I think he's a bit overwhelmed and needs some time to process, though, because I was the first woman he connected with on the co-parent site, and he didn't expect things to move forward so quickly.  So, we'll see.  Now, I'm thinking about whether this particular communication issue matters! lol  If it's not one thing, it's another.

In other, completely crazy, news, an English gentleman (attorney? judge?) I also met on the co-parent site has offered to provide me with IVF, including PGD, in Czechoslovakia, assuming I agree to having a son and can pay for transportation there and back.  Looking up prices, though, it's only about $2,000 there for IVF.  Not sure what PGD adds to the cost.  A round-trip ticket out there is also around $2,000.  He would pay for hotel.

Cycling Decision

I'm feeling the pressure to decide whether I'm going to cycle with injectables for this coming cycle, starting in six or seven days.  I'm talking to the doctor tomorrow.  The reasons I want to go forward with it now include:

• I feel like I've been building up to it.  I've had my tests, have a general plan, and have been taking the supplements at least the minimum amount of time they recommend.

• I have wanted to go to this next level of injectables for a couple of years now, but have been thwarted by one reason or another.  I feel like I should do at least one cycle now, when I can.  

• I haven't been talking about this, but I may have to switch to a lesser insurance at some point.  I'm not sure when that will be and want to take advantage of the better coverage while I can.

• I'm dating and, with the one guy I went out with last weekend, I see potential.  I know if I get close to him, it will get harder to go forward and continue to try.  This may be the worst reason ever.  But I just want to push forward and get this higher level effort completed.  If I get pregnant, I will be okay with whatever happens on the dating/relationship front.  If I don't get pregnant, at least I know I made a solid try, which may take a little pressure off for a month or two if I want to see where things go.  * This goes back to my previous post.  In an ideal world, as many of you advised, I would not give up my ttc efforts.  I would continue to date and ttc in parallel.  But in reality, I just don't know whether that is possible for very long, except in very special circumstances.  At a certain point, something has to change.  I know this guy wants to have a kid or kids.  Why would he go along with this plan, considering my age and that I want only one biological child? (or, note to Universe, I would welcome twins too).  And I would want him to fulfill his dreams of fatherhood, as well.

• Co-parenting.  I've put quite a bit of time and effort into researching and meeting with potential co-parents over the last month or so  - added on to months of time investigating this altogether over the past two or three years.  Part of me wants to strike while the iron's hot on this front.  This reason may be worse than the previous one!

Okay, so the good news is that, through writing this post, I see how I'm letting fear pressure me and push me forward.  I don't want that.  I want to stay grounded, take things a step at a time.  Okay.  So, the next steps are seeing what the doctor recommends and getting more clear on protocol and expenses for an injectable cycle.  Spend time with the co-parent who is coming into town next week and see if it strengthens my desire to move forward with him.  Right now, honestly, I am distracted by the new guy I went out with last weekend.  We have another date tomorrow night...

And, finally, just stay present to how I'm feeling as things unfold.  Be true to my desire to ttc (with injectables) soon.  And pay attention to what path forward feels most right.  Trust, trust, trust the process.  Easier said than done, but I'm going to try.

Reproduction vs. Romance in Another Context

Yesterday, I accidentally went on two dates.

In this post, I'm going to describe the dates... then consider whether dating is simpatico with pursuing co-parenting.

The first one, a breakfast date, I completely forgot.  He emailed as I was still in my pajamas and thinking about going for a run.  I waffled for a minute, but then hurriedly threw on my running clothes in case I wanted to go afterwards, brushed my teeth, washed my face, put on a touch of mascara, and ran out the door.  Not my prettiest look.  I did warn him.

Anyway, once I arrived at the cool little breakfast place near Lake Merr.itt, we started talking and gradually warmed up into a fairly good rapport.  He has beautiful eyes and a very nice smile.  I was feeling a bit self-conscious but it helped once we warmed up and started laughing a lot.

After breakfast, we walked down to the nearby Farmer's Mar.ket and cruised around talking.  Two highlights: he loves Ore.gon and his father lives there; and he initiated touching our hands together at the end under the pretense of showing me an exercise he did in a workshop.  We agreed to meet again this week.

Oh, and one caveat:  He said in his profile he wants to meet women 28 to 35 (he's my age), I imagine because he also says he wants kids.  I flirted first with a comment on one of his pictures, then he initiated communicating.

The second date I actually had in my calendar.  We met, oddly, at another restaurant near Lake Merr.itt for  their afternoon happy hour out on the deck.  When I saw the guy, my first thought was, "He does NOT look like his pictures!"  I went back and looked at the pictures again afterwards and see the resemblance, but they definitely place him in a super positive light.

So I'm thinking, "No," right off the bat, but we can still have a pleasant drink and chat.

We ended up having two drinks, as it was such a perfect summer-like day to be hanging out in the sun, and he was easy to talk with.  At the end, I found myself considering going on a second date, but, in retrospect, I think it was the wine talking!

Quite an unusually full day...

Later, I found myself imagining how these guys, especially the first guy, would feel if I told them about my co-parenting plans.  They clearly stated in their profile that they want kids.  And if, by God's grace, I become pregnant, I only want one biological child.  *As I write this, I see it's similar to dating when trying to become an SMC in other ways, as well.

Also, considering the idea through their eyes, this clearly complicates the family constellation and would affect our lives as a couple.  It may just be too unusual and complicated for them to understand, let alone accept.

I'm not sure how or when I will communicate with someone I'm dating about my co-parenting plans.  I think I'm in the camp that I will tell them when it organically comes up and feels important to share.  Because I don't want to live life from a place of trying to control all the "what ifs."  Who knows what may or may not happen in any of these scenarios?

I do feel strongly that I want to try a few times this year, as my window is closing (if not already closed).  I want to give one more whole-hearted try, adding injectables to the mix.  It doesn't feel good to think about putting these plans on hold.

How would you handle things if you were me?

Big Step Forward

Thanks to everyone who weighed in on the discussion about the line between romance and reproduction. I definitely related to the experience many of you shared about choosing a donor based on attraction (or whether you could see having sex with him :).  I do think there is something primal about creating a child and joining genetically with someone.

In my real-life co-parent considerations of the moment, it is a bit of concern to me that I don't really feel a strong primal attraction to the East Coast guy, at least not physically.  I'm sure part of it is his age, as he is significantly older than me.

But I think I'm feeling a lot along the lines of what Sunflower wrote in the comments about personality, getting along well, and being pleasant looking - plus there's this very strong resonance or "on the same wavelength" factor that makes it very easy to imagine co-parenting with him successfully.  Financially, he is in the middle of a career transition and not as strong in that area as I would like.  But he has an impressive (to me anyway) career history and is actively moving toward future opportunities.  Also, he is married and has a wonderful "homestead" living situation including land, growing his own food, chickens, etc.

All this to say, I'm moving forward to the next step with him!  He is flying out here in a couple of weeks to spend a few days, mainly with me but also with friends he knows in the area.  I'm nervous!  I'm still not sure about the wisdom of choosing an older co-parent.  I wonder if this will affect my abilities to conceive.  I know it increases the risk of autism, which is worrisome, as well.

But, as you probably know if you've been reading for a while, I have a strong spiritual side, and this situation just keeps flowing forward.  It "feels" the most right at this point and seems to have a life of it's own, if that makes any sense.  I'm not having to work to move it forward.

Sooo, we were clear this trip is about getting to know each other better and in-depth, discussions about co-parenting details and issues.  It does not indicate a decision to move forward; that decision is still up in the air.  But it still feels like a big decision!

Where is the line between romance and reproduction?

As I've continued to meet and talk with potential co-parents, I am noticing a feeling of resonance and chemistry more so with some than others.  And I'm starting to wonder if I'm giving that feeling too much weight.  Does it really matter when it comes to trying to conceive and parent together in a non-romantic scenario?

For example, with the East Coast guy, I feel a lot of positive connection and comfort when talking to him.  We are totally on the same wavelength in the way we communicate, the language we use, the way we "tune in" to what the other is saying, etc.  I do not feel physically attracted in terms of wanting to have sex with him, but I definitely feel a lot of chemistry and find him somewhat attractive.

With the therapist who lives in San Fran.cisco, I feel less resonance, but definitely a sense that we are on the same wavelength, have similar values, and speak the same language.  Physically, I am the least attracted to him.  He is very short and fairly slight of build, not unattractive, but not really my type looks-wise.

The guy in L.A., who I Skyp.ed with for the first time this morning, has the most primal attractiveness for me.  He's not "hot" or anything but quite easy on the eyes, boyish looking, dark brown hair and green eyes.  Out of all the candidates, I could most easily imagine having sex with him.  But the conversation was more challenging.  I like him and think he would be flexible and fairly easy to work with and co-parent with in most ways, but he's not as "tuned in" or empathetic in his communication and tended to talk for long periods of time, didn't ask me many questions, etc.  Yet, our conversation had depth and reflection in it.  He's clearly thought a lot about being a parent and cares deeply about his son and other people in his life.

Of course there are other important deciding factors, such as financial stability - for ttc and child rearing purposes I'd like them to be more financially solid than me, which may or may not be fair but is true.  And  their community and family situation plays a role in what kind of life our child would have while with them.  There are many facets to the decision.  But right now, my mind is focused on this issue of primal chemistry.

There are a couple more specific points that come to mind around this topic:  one, this primal attraction may somehow play an evolutionary role in whether I will become pregnant; two, I'm joining with this person genetically and want to feel we are a good match.

So where is the line between a dating candidate and a co-parent candidate?  In this one area, are the screening processes similar and should they be?

Trip Wrap-Up plus Co-Parent Update

The rest of my Oregon trip went pretty well.  I took some of your advice and told my mom what I wanted to tell her about my job, without waiting to be asked.  She started to become negative and ask questions through the lens of judgment that it's not a full-time position, but I steered the conversation back to the positive point I was trying to make about how I'm beginning to get hours on the college side or things, in addition to the middle school program.

I also got to spend time with my niece and nephew on Monday and Tuesday because she watches them individually on those days.  I made playdough characters and banana bread with niece J and played dollhouse and kicked a ball around with nephew E.  they are so dang cute!  Then, I took off for home Tuesday about noon.  It was good to get back but also a bit of a transition from spending a lot of time with family to being in my own space again.  

I had a discussion with my housemate about how I feel like he rarely initiates conversations.  It came out that he's got resentment about some money I've been slowly paying him back.  I'd like to make a big payment and pay it down.  I'm tempted to take the money I owe S and give it to my housemate (He loaned me some money last month because we weren't reminded as usual and I missed my timecard cutoff and thus received no paycheck).  

Would that be morally reprehensible?  I clearly still have anger towards him for blindsiding me again after we had spent a couple days together at the hotel during my conference.  He ended things again just a few days after that.  Total BS.  I don't care what he thinks about me, and part of me would really like to stick it to him in this way.  But spiritually and morally, perhaps not a good choice, and I'm afraid I might regret it later. 

On a happier subject, I met with another co-par.ent today for lunch.  Candidate #2 in my original co-parent post.  He is definitely short.  But has a nice voice (I don't know why that matters!) and is clearly a highly intelligent and caring person.  We had a good conversation and it was easy to talk with him.  I felt a sense of trust.  Not quite as much resonance as with the East Coast guy, but we're definitely on a similar wave length.  Our co-parent views so far are simpatico, except he had an idea that we would take several months to get to know each other.  

Um, no, that would not work for me.  I'm clear on that front.  I told him as much, and he said that wasn't what he imagined but it wasn't a deal breaker.  I suggested we could take a more intensive route to getting to know each other by talking two or three times a week and getting together once a week (we're both available Saturdays).  So, we'll see how that goes. 

Then, I'm also Sky.ping with a fourth candidate down in L.A. tonight around 9 p.m.  He is divorced and has a three-year-old son.  They both are cute.  He wants to have another child but doesn't want the pressure of rushing to find a "soulmate" to marry.  But even though he lives in the same state, it IS the longest state in the Union!  I believe I would need to move down there if I became pregnant.  

I find I'm more willing than I would have anticipated to move to where a co-parent lives.  My roots here are not deep, though I've made some nice friends and community connections through groups.  I guess it shows where my priorities lie.  I wouldn't move, though, until I was well into the pregnancy.  Why aren't there more good candidates here in the Bay Area?

Speaking of which, I'm Sky.ping again with the East Coast guy tomorrow.  Unfortunately, I have a feeling it might be our last conversation.  Resonance can only go so far in the face of impracticalities.  And to wrap up another loose end:  I never heard from or contacted Candidate #1, the Chinese professor.   I think it was clear to both of us that we did not click.  

Sooo, the process continues!  I'll let you know how my Sky.ping goes...

p.s. Some of you asked what are rat cupcakes.  Well, you have to get in my four-year-old nieces head to really understand that one!  Basically you catch rats and put them in the cupcakes, which we did lots of rolling out and pounding with our elbows and mixing and adding stuff to, etc., before sticking them in the oven to bake. :)  Don't think too literally and it works better...

Oregon and Family Complications

Thank you for your condolences about my purse. I'm actually sitting in the DMV right now waiting to replace my license.

 My trip to Eugene is shaping up to be a good one. Tomorrow night I'm meeting my brother and sister out at a worker party to celebrate completed construction on a new mixed-use (commercial/residential) building downtown. I don't know if I've mentioned that my family is in the property management and development business, so there's usually some "under construction" project or other that is visited and talked about and generally woven into everyone's consciousness.

Anyway, then Saturday my brother, sister, niece and nephew are heading over to the other side of town to attend the 4-year birthday party of my cousin's daughter at a pizza parlor.  I appreciate how my brother and sister have been making the effort with this side of the family, who are technically "my" relations through my birth mother, recently attending my grandma's funeral with me, etc.

It's a bit strange because their biological mom is married to my dad and all her relations are technically "their" relations, but because we grew up together and I called their bio mom "mom," everyone acts as if we're all related for the most part.  So, in a way, it's not fair to them that I get three sets of relations and they've for the most part had two.  But, on the other hand, my "mom" (their bio mom) and I never had a close relationship so my bio mom's family has compensated with that for me.  Anyone else have this level of family complication?  Probably so.

So, all that said, we're doing the bday party Saturday, going to the coast Sunday, I'm' hanging out with my mom and niece on Monday, and trying to get a few workouts in at the athletic club too.  It's a full few days!

I'm staying with my brother and wife the first two nights, then parents the second two.  I'm a little nervous about staying at the parents because I haven't stayed there in a  year and a half, since the incident with my father that was one of the catalysts for starting this blog (he said my life had no meaning, blamed me for getting let go from my job, and was just generally disparaging, leading to a period of depression and subsequent reclaiming of "my life").  He did apologize but I've stayed with my brother since then.  So we'll see how it goes.  Maybe a test for my inner boundaries.

I need to get out the door, so I'll write more on the co-parent later but wanted to report that I'm in the "realism" phase now with the logistics and barriers to the situation.  It would be incredibly difficult with trying to conceive and involvement with the child with him so far away, and to compound the matter, he told me that he hasn't gotten much work in the last year.  He's in transition working to build a career as an inter-faith minister, as well, which I respect, but it makes the situation less doable.   Very sad about this.  I'll share more later.

Off for the big drive!  The rain let up so that's good - thunder and lightning last night was insane!

Candidate #3

So I just got done Skyping with "Candidate #3" on my initial list a couple posts ago.  The one who is 60 and lives in Vermont.

OMG, I love this guy for a co-parent.  He kicks "Candidate #1"s ass, at least with regard to what I would want.

We have so much similarity and resonance, it's coming out our ears. And I completely respect what he does for a living - he f'ing does contracted peace training and mediation internationally in Africa, Vietnam, etc.  He was recently ordained as an Interfaith Minister.  He "homesteads," which I'm imagining means they grow their own food and raise some livestock (and they have a tenant).  He's open-minded, flexible, calm, highly intelligent.  I think I could even get past his age... but why does he live in f'ing Vermont!

More details later...

Candidate #1

First co-parent meeting went down last night.  This was "Candidate #1," the Chinese, gay college professor/researcher.  He was attractive, smart, and kind.  But.  I didn't enjoy aspects of communicating with him, and, considering we would be communicating a lot and he will be communicating with the child as well, I wonder if that is a negative.

Basically, he doesn't respond when I'm speaking in terms of any of the non-verbals or warmth/affirmation.  And, in general, he didn't verbally acknowledge what I said either, other than to comment on his own experience.  I often felt "on the spot" and kind of insecure, like I was trying to keep his attention and work hard to get through to him.  He says he's lived in the U.S. for half his life (he's 44), yet he still had a strong accent and didn't get some of the nuanced references I made, so maybe that's part of the issue?  He did ask me a number of questions, which showed interest.

On the more positive side, he doesn't seem to be a control freak or possessive and had no problem with the child spending more time with me in their early years, unlike the co-parent I talked to a year and a half or so ago.  He's in excellent health and is interested in theatre, opera, art, literature, and tennis/swimming (he teaches/researches literature).  We left the meeting saying we would email and talk again soon.

I'm speaking to the older guy from the East coast later this afternoon and will post another update after that.

Quick question for those of you who have taken DHEA:  I've only taken it for three days and my breasts seemed to get some internal soreness right away and my bbt went up several tenths - did this happen to you?  I remember my temps went up in the luteal phase when I was on it before, but this seems really fast.

Moving forward?

I went to the Kai.ser RE doc yesterday.  It started out in frustration, as he gave me the "your old and your chances are low" speech.  :-(  Yeah, after several years of trying, and researching, and reading other people's journeys, I'm well aware of that doc. 

He did the antral follicle account and it hadn't changed in almost two years, so I guess that's positive.  The number wasn't great though: about 9 follicles. 

I expected him to strongly recommend IVF, but he didn't.  He did say it had the highest chances, but that the chances were so low for me at this point that I may not want to make that level of financial investment.  I think it was around 15-20%.  I'm counting myself in the 40-42-year-old range because my tests are generally good, I've lived a healthy lifestyle, and I'm still in the first half of my 43rd year.  He said he didn't think I would qualify for shared-risk programs. 

In any case, I can't move forward financially with IVF on my own.  So in discussion, he thought the best option for me would be a flare protocol medicated IUI.  I found this information online:

"GnRH agonists (lupron®) have been the standard for ovarian stimulation in IVF for the past 10 years. However, traditional "long" protocols where the agonist is administered for 10 days or longer, followed by gonadotropin stimulation, may be a poor choice for the poor responder. This initial pretreatment with agonist may remove endogenous gonadotropins from the system and "suppress" the response of the ovary so that adequate stimulation is impossible. Problems with this long protocol led to the so-called flare protocol whereby the agonist is started on the menstrual cycle concurrent with the use of gonadotropins. Unfortunately, standard doses of agonist result in elevated levels of androgens, LH, and progesterone, in the follicular phase, before ovulation. These effects are detrimental to oocyte quality and endometrial receptivity. A modification of the flare protocol by pretreating patients with birth control pills and lowering the doses of agonist to "microdoses" has eliminated the negative effects of the flare and resulted in a better recruitment of oocytes and indeed significant improvements in pregnancy rates." 

The Resolve link for this article written by a well-known doctor in Colorado, School.craft, is here:
http://www.resolve.org/diagnosis-management/infertility-diagnosis/poor-responder.html

This is talking about IVF, but I guess it's similar for medicated IUIs?  I want to bring up the modification part to my doctor but am hoping he's aware.

So assuming that where we're headed, he wants me to take these next steps:

1. Start taking DHEA again, dose of 25, three times a day.
2. Get my thyroid tested again on my new dose in about a week (giving it a month to alter levels). *He feels my levels were really wacked out (5.7 or something) when I was tested in December, which was not the message I got from my doctor at the time.  I remember feeling really lethargic in the fall and this explains a lot.  My levels were better when taken a few weeks ago (3.8) but still significantly higher than they want.
3. Figure out the sperm source.
4. Take another one-time injectables class.

I am taking these additional steps:

1. Returning to heightened fertility diet consciousness.
2. Taking baby aspirin.
3. Taking Vitex.
4. Going back to taking a prenatal vitamin.
5. Maybe taking iron. *I tend to be low on iron and I understand this is important to fertility.  Anyone know about this link or have a good source of information?

Ahem.  Going back a bit to number three in the doctor's list of steps....  Yeah, that tricky sperm source thing.  Perhaps I sound emotionally disconnected around this right now.  Maybe I am.  But I feel strongly that I want to make one more big push for a biological child.  At least as big as I can manage all things considered. 

Using S as the source would be the easiest, since he is listed as my partner.  I was partially honest with the doctor by telling him that we have been fighting and things are uncertain.  S may consider giving a last "donation."  But this would not be emotionally healthy for me at this time, and I don't want to parent with someone I don't trust. 

Next option is donor sperm.  Less chances of success, more expensive, but, still, I'm grateful to have that choice.  The doctor is on board with that too. 

The third choice is a co-par.ent.  I don't know if I've talked much about my adventures in that realm on this blog.  A year and a half or so ago, I explored co-parent.ing with a couple of people from the co-paren.ting website.  I really like the idea of parenting with someone else and sharing the responsibilities on all levels: emotional, financial, logistical, etc.  It's a more doable option for me, all things considered.  So there are three people I've connected with this week:

1. A 42-year-old man, I think Chinese, who works for a well-known local university, has his  PhD, and seems like a nice, balanced person.  He is gay and after a 12-year partnership broke up, he decided having a child was his highest priority.  I'm meeting with him on Friday.
2. A psychotherapist (around 50 I think), partnered but his partner (female) does not want a child but looking forward to being an aunt.  He's quite short at 5'4' but I don't think I care about that.  He seems very intelligent and thoughtful but perhaps somewhat controlling - like he wants things to be exactly even.  One of my previous co-par.ent candidates was like that and it didn't work for me at all.  We are in the process of setting up a meeting.
3. A 60-year-old on the East Coast; has a female partner, lives in intentional community.  I know, he's probably too old (sperm health, parenting longevity) but we share values/worldview and I could totally see it working.  Except he lives on the East Coast... This really doesn't make sense, does it?

The tricky thing with a co-par.ent is that I would need to convince the doctor that they are my partner if we do IUI.  Otherwise, we could possibly do a home insem.ination but I've never done that and am scared of the logistics etc.

So if I can move forward cycle after this coming one, likely starting the second week of May, then that is what I plan to do.  There are factors yet to be determined, but I'll keep moving forward if at all possible.

* Brief request for donations:  I have some donated medicine, but if anyone has extra gonado.tropin (folli.stim) or ago.nist (lu.pron) medication, I would really appreciate it. 

NaBloPoMo: Between

Welcome to National Blog Posting Month!  I have been meaning to sign on for a second month (after my trial run a few months ago, in which my performance was fair to middlin'), so as to plug into that external motivation, kick-in-the-butt energy of a commitment to post daily.  So here we go!

I like the theme for this month, and the picture too for that matter.  In this moment, I can think of several "Betweens" in my life.  It especially feels like I'm at a "Between" place in my career. . . even though I have a part-time job, it doesn't take much of my time, and I still feel stalled out in my life purpose.  Looking for that meaningful, creative project to sink my teeth in to, in addition to more professional counseling/assessment work.

Secondly, as you can see from reading my blog lately, I'm engaged in efforts toward trying to conceive, which feels like a "Between" place, as well: not yet a mother, but wanting it deeply, in my bones.

And finally, my relationship with sh/cm is "Between" the states of "seriously committed," and "we're in it for the long haul."  Which again, may sound crazy considering we're trying to have a child, but it makes sense to us.

Makes sense in that we both long for a child, and we would clearly be committed co-parents no matter what happens.  I'm hopeful we will eventually be more seriously committed romantic partners, as well.  But at this time, we are working through some things (including his ex coming in to town for two weeks of work, part of which he plans to assist her with, at the beginning of January grrrr).

So, I think I have lots of grist for the "Between" mill this month, in addition to my regular life and cycle updates.  I look forward to exploring with you all!

Car Drama and Maybe Baby

Another turn of the wheel and life looks different again.  

I don't think I mentioned that my car disappeared on Saturday.  I parked it in front of my house Friday night, as usual.  The next morning, I must have looked hilarious milling about where the car should be and looking around with a puzzled expression.  

I initially assumed it had been stolen but soon found out otherwise from the Oak.land Pol.ice Dep.artment. . . So I will make an admission at this point:  when I don't see any solution to a situation, sometimes I just throw it off the radar screen, which I did with this situation.  

But only after discovering that, in order to retrieve my TOWED car, I needed to pay my remaining DMV registration balance (I had paid the registration fee but it was late so they tacked on additional fees I was in the process of paying off), pay a police release fee, AND pay the towing yard for towing and storage fees.  Most of which was impossible on the weekend. 

So today as I emerged from my fog of denial, I found out that the towing and storage fees currently stand at $350 and they will add $60 for each additional day of "storage."   Ack!  I told my housemate, then just decided to go to my dog walking gig, as my mind churned about possible solutions but was finding none.  

Then, miracle of all miracles, my housemate offered to help me.  He admitted it was selfish in part because he knew if this situation was not resolved, then rent would get behind and it would affect him too.  But regardless, he is completely awesome and I am incredibly grateful right now.  

He drove me to all three places and paid the fees, and my car is now sitting out front again with a shiny new registration sticker on the back plate.  Thank you, K!!!  I will pay back most of the money he loaned me at the end of the week, but he saved me several hundred dollars in additional fees and more.

And having my car back meant that I could keep my meeting with a new potential co-parent in San Francisco.  This new possibility came up recently.  I will write more about it later, but suffice it to say, I love what I know about these guys so far!  

They are a gay couple, absolutely adorable, who have been together for 10 plus years.  The oldest one is my age, the other one a few years younger, and they are both educated, bright, and athletic.  I totally feel on the same wavelength with the older one I met with today, who would be the donor.  He made me laugh a lot and the whole conversation was relatively comfortable, even when the topics were more difficult (such as finances, custody arrangements, etc.).  

I am taking this a step at a time and promise to share more in the coming weeks, if and when things progress.  

So MAYBE I met the father of my child today!  

Or MAYBE not. . . but it's exciting to consider!