My fifth out of six EOL leadership weekends was the best one yet in terms of the experience of being there and how I feel coming out of it. One remarkable thing that happened was that I asked one of the men for feedback on when I shared the vulnerable experience with the whole group the prior weekend. I had felt very raw coming out of that and realized that I needed to receive reflection and reassurance that what I shared would be honored and held with care. I received all that and more, including his perception that all the men in the circle were tuned in to what I was saying and trying to hold space for me, and that what I shared mirrored a thread of what they had shared in the men's circle. It was a truly wonderful and generous conversation and met all my needs for reassurance and care. I feel so grateful.
Another significant insight was that I often feel the need to be "on" in my life and am scanning everyone looking for a connection. This is exhausting, as is working to have everyone - including all my students - like me. Not everyone will like me! And I don't need to connect with everyone as I move through my day or walk across campus. No wonder I come home from work and need to crash! So my intention is to, as corny as it may sound, befriend myself and let myself off the hook to some degree. I want to be my authentic self, and that includes being "on" at times and tuned in to my students, being playful, as well as being more quiet and inward at times - taking opportunities to be alone and "recharge" my energy.
On a lighter note, we also crawled, skipped, galloped and ran all around the property in our pod groups acting like various species of animals exploring nature. It was silly and playful and there was lots of laughter. At one point, we crashed in the grass of the meadow and exclaimed that being an animal was exhausting! For the rest of the time, we just made animal sounds from a reclining position, including those of fish and sharks. I am definitely feeling comfortable and a sense of trust with the "village" now that is really wonderful.
In ongoing dating adventures, I let the last guy I went on a date with know that I didn't feel there was quite enough attraction there to continue seeing each other romantically. Not surprisingly, he wasn't interested in the friends track. I have also been emailing with a couple other guys, both of whom seem more attractive and interesting to me. I will likely talk to one of them on the phone today or tomorrow afternoon. He suggested we talk on the phone after I asked him a couple questions about something he wrote in his profile about "8-hour parties," attending Burning Man, and being bohemian, as well as having a more regular Joe side. I happen to know he works in strategic planning/public policy and is not a total flake, but I'm not sure what he means when he says these things... he recently went to a wedding in LA and said his group of friends hung out by the pool talking and did some dancing, so it didn't sound too crazy. You just never know here in the Bay Area. :) I'll let you know what I find out and whether we end up meeting this Sunday. He also surfs, which I find trés sexy...
The second guy is very cute, has a Ph.D. focusing in part on psychology, describes himself as athletic... and, comes with his own issue of possible concern: He says he has food/other allergies and gets migraines on a regular basis which somewhat limit his activities. Kudos to him for being up front about it, but it's a little worrisome to know from the start that your partner is limited in the activities they can participate in with you. He said in his profile that he would encourage his girlfriend to go do things with friends, but companionship in life - including in social and cultural activities - are a big part of the fun of relationship for me. So, I also look forward to learning more about this topic when he and I meet next Wednesday.
Other than that, just generally enjoying Spring Break this week and the gorgeous weather we're having! Hope you all are having a good week, too.
Showing posts with label authenticity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label authenticity. Show all posts
3/20/2014
5/06/2012
Romance and Reproduction, Part 3
This week has definitely been eventful (with regard to men anyway).
On Thursday, I had a second date with the guy I liked from last weekend. Unfortunately, it was a bit of a let-down. In what is likely not a surprise to most of you: communication is important to me! Ha!
Apparently he's been listening to a lot of Buddhist tapes lately (not meditating though!), and has talked with me about his excitement about learning to control his feelings and reactions through changing his thoughts/focus. This sounds positive on the surface, but translates into seeming sort of distant and unengaged. And also, when I have feelings, not responding to them in a warm or accepting way. We're coming from opposite directions, ironically: With a Masters in psychology and lots of personal growth work, I'm all about authenticity and expressing feelings, and he's all about changing them on not giving them much attention! You can see the problem.
Plus, there was this awkward moment - I guess a lesson for me - where I thought he was paying for dinner, but he wasn't really in on that plan. I had said I needed to go somewhere moderate, but he chose a sushi place and proceeded to order tons of food. So, I assumed (note to self, never assume) that meant he's decided to cover most or all of the bill. But when it came, he talked about me paying for my part or getting the next dinner or whatever. Maybe that was reasonable? I don't know, it just didn't feel good. But I take responsibility for not speaking up when I saw where things are going and "making an ass out of u and me." Plus, on top of all that, I can tell he still drinks a lot, which isn't my thing at this point, and has a rambling-on-and-on talking habit.
So, guess this one isn't likely to go anywhere, after the initial promising chemistry. :(
Moving on to yesterday, the day of two back-to-back Skype conversations with two different potential co-parents. The first one was with the East Coast guy who was planning on coming out next week. I've been trying to work out this lack of primal attraction thing, but have finally come to the conclusion that, whether it "should" be true or not, this type of attraction is important for me to have with someone with whom I'm procreating, regardless of whether there's any sexual contact. I think it's actually very normal, hearing that many other women considered whether they would be attracted or have sex with their donors. And I felt the same way with the donors I used for my IUIs.
When you think about it, as women, we are genetically combining with these men and taking them (or a genetic piece of them) into our bodies. There is some intimacy there. Probably moreso when it's a co-parent or known donor who you will be seeing regularly once the child is born. But for me, it just feels very primal - like it's just not right and I can't be open to the process if I don't feel some physical attraction for them. And I just don't have that with this guy.
I think I started having a problem when I looked at his Facebook pictures. There were pictures from five or ten years back and quite a few pictures in different scenarios with different people. Not attracted to any of them. And in fact, especially not attracted to one where he was showing more of his body. When I was talking to him on Skype, there was a lot of positive connection on other levels that shadowed that, I think.
Anyway, we talked through it in a very positive and caring way, actually. I do love his level of consciousness! He's still coming out to see friends, and we will get together just on Friday afternoon. He shared that he'd thought we had a spiritual connection and there may be some purpose for us meeting, even if it wasn't co-parenting. I was definitely focused on the co-parenting, but it does go along with the resonance I felt with him. I at least would like to meet him as friends, and there's always that slight chance something would shift in me when interacting with him in-person, but this is highly doubtful. I feel great relief that he will not be staying with me for four days!
The second Skype call was with the guy from L.A., who has a three-year-old son from a previous marriage. Ironically, the situation is kind of reversed with him. I do feel an attraction, but communication is not nearly as comfortable or deep. He tends to share a lot of stories, with more detail than I'd like to know. Not inappropriate detail, more descriptive and unnecessary detail. So, I feel somewhat frustrated and bored when he's talking.
On the good side, he's clearly very caring and responsible, a wonderful and loving father, and is open to honest communication and feedback that I've given. Some men would be angry or defensive when I say something about wanting more of a personal connection and less details or whatever. I tend to be very direct at times! He seems to roll with things and respond honestly and directly, so I like that.
I think he's a bit overwhelmed and needs some time to process, though, because I was the first woman he connected with on the co-parent site, and he didn't expect things to move forward so quickly. So, we'll see. Now, I'm thinking about whether this particular communication issue matters! lol If it's not one thing, it's another.
In other, completely crazy, news, an English gentleman (attorney? judge?) I also met on the co-parent site has offered to provide me with IVF, including PGD, in Czechoslovakia, assuming I agree to having a son and can pay for transportation there and back. Looking up prices, though, it's only about $2,000 there for IVF. Not sure what PGD adds to the cost. A round-trip ticket out there is also around $2,000. He would pay for hotel.
On Thursday, I had a second date with the guy I liked from last weekend. Unfortunately, it was a bit of a let-down. In what is likely not a surprise to most of you: communication is important to me! Ha!
Apparently he's been listening to a lot of Buddhist tapes lately (not meditating though!), and has talked with me about his excitement about learning to control his feelings and reactions through changing his thoughts/focus. This sounds positive on the surface, but translates into seeming sort of distant and unengaged. And also, when I have feelings, not responding to them in a warm or accepting way. We're coming from opposite directions, ironically: With a Masters in psychology and lots of personal growth work, I'm all about authenticity and expressing feelings, and he's all about changing them on not giving them much attention! You can see the problem.
Plus, there was this awkward moment - I guess a lesson for me - where I thought he was paying for dinner, but he wasn't really in on that plan. I had said I needed to go somewhere moderate, but he chose a sushi place and proceeded to order tons of food. So, I assumed (note to self, never assume) that meant he's decided to cover most or all of the bill. But when it came, he talked about me paying for my part or getting the next dinner or whatever. Maybe that was reasonable? I don't know, it just didn't feel good. But I take responsibility for not speaking up when I saw where things are going and "making an ass out of u and me." Plus, on top of all that, I can tell he still drinks a lot, which isn't my thing at this point, and has a rambling-on-and-on talking habit.
So, guess this one isn't likely to go anywhere, after the initial promising chemistry. :(
Moving on to yesterday, the day of two back-to-back Skype conversations with two different potential co-parents. The first one was with the East Coast guy who was planning on coming out next week. I've been trying to work out this lack of primal attraction thing, but have finally come to the conclusion that, whether it "should" be true or not, this type of attraction is important for me to have with someone with whom I'm procreating, regardless of whether there's any sexual contact. I think it's actually very normal, hearing that many other women considered whether they would be attracted or have sex with their donors. And I felt the same way with the donors I used for my IUIs.
When you think about it, as women, we are genetically combining with these men and taking them (or a genetic piece of them) into our bodies. There is some intimacy there. Probably moreso when it's a co-parent or known donor who you will be seeing regularly once the child is born. But for me, it just feels very primal - like it's just not right and I can't be open to the process if I don't feel some physical attraction for them. And I just don't have that with this guy.
I think I started having a problem when I looked at his Facebook pictures. There were pictures from five or ten years back and quite a few pictures in different scenarios with different people. Not attracted to any of them. And in fact, especially not attracted to one where he was showing more of his body. When I was talking to him on Skype, there was a lot of positive connection on other levels that shadowed that, I think.
Anyway, we talked through it in a very positive and caring way, actually. I do love his level of consciousness! He's still coming out to see friends, and we will get together just on Friday afternoon. He shared that he'd thought we had a spiritual connection and there may be some purpose for us meeting, even if it wasn't co-parenting. I was definitely focused on the co-parenting, but it does go along with the resonance I felt with him. I at least would like to meet him as friends, and there's always that slight chance something would shift in me when interacting with him in-person, but this is highly doubtful. I feel great relief that he will not be staying with me for four days!
The second Skype call was with the guy from L.A., who has a three-year-old son from a previous marriage. Ironically, the situation is kind of reversed with him. I do feel an attraction, but communication is not nearly as comfortable or deep. He tends to share a lot of stories, with more detail than I'd like to know. Not inappropriate detail, more descriptive and unnecessary detail. So, I feel somewhat frustrated and bored when he's talking.
On the good side, he's clearly very caring and responsible, a wonderful and loving father, and is open to honest communication and feedback that I've given. Some men would be angry or defensive when I say something about wanting more of a personal connection and less details or whatever. I tend to be very direct at times! He seems to roll with things and respond honestly and directly, so I like that.
I think he's a bit overwhelmed and needs some time to process, though, because I was the first woman he connected with on the co-parent site, and he didn't expect things to move forward so quickly. So, we'll see. Now, I'm thinking about whether this particular communication issue matters! lol If it's not one thing, it's another.
In other, completely crazy, news, an English gentleman (attorney? judge?) I also met on the co-parent site has offered to provide me with IVF, including PGD, in Czechoslovakia, assuming I agree to having a son and can pay for transportation there and back. Looking up prices, though, it's only about $2,000 there for IVF. Not sure what PGD adds to the cost. A round-trip ticket out there is also around $2,000. He would pay for hotel.
7/02/2011
Go with Your Gut
Sorry for my absence. I have felt stuck around the job situation, and in a way not wanted to hold the situation up to the public light.
It seems like I've been incubating it, rolling it around in my mind, as I keep inching forward on multiple fronts.
As of now, I am scheduled to begin the job with the Career Center on Wednesday and have even gone so far as getting my fingerprints taken, TB test done, and HR paperwork signed. But I'm still not on board.
You see, I was also called for a second interview with a green jobs training/employment program in Berkeley (which would mean no commute!).
During the first interview, I loved the feeling of the organization; it was my kind of place. And I really liked the people, too. Looking at their bios, it's no wonder, as we seem to have much in common and, perhaps most importantly, similar values.
This job, too, is federally funded, but it has less than half of the caseload the other one does and seems smaller scale, more team-oriented, less bureaucratic.
I would be doing similar work with the clients, but they all would be part of the green jobs training program, which I'm thinking would be: more centralized and easily managed in terms of connecting with clients; AND an inroad into green career counseling (which is the wave of the future, don't you know).
The problem - and ironically an aspect that makes it a better fit due to caseload - is that it's half-time.
I interviewed for another part-time position, and with the two combined incomes, I could create a sustainable living. But I haven't heard back from that interview yet. And I do have more doubts about that job in terms of fit. Career exploration classes with junior high school students; can you say "scary"?
Every day, I've been scouring the job sites hoping to snag another part-time opportunity, but no luck yet.
Talking to my brother tonight, I asked him if he had been in a similar position - feeling you should do something, yet feeling strong fear - and how he handled it. He said in situations like that, he tends to "go with his gut." When he said that, I felt a "yes" inside, and I know that is what I need to do, as well.
But, then, that is scary too!
It seems like I've been incubating it, rolling it around in my mind, as I keep inching forward on multiple fronts.
As of now, I am scheduled to begin the job with the Career Center on Wednesday and have even gone so far as getting my fingerprints taken, TB test done, and HR paperwork signed. But I'm still not on board.
You see, I was also called for a second interview with a green jobs training/employment program in Berkeley (which would mean no commute!).
During the first interview, I loved the feeling of the organization; it was my kind of place. And I really liked the people, too. Looking at their bios, it's no wonder, as we seem to have much in common and, perhaps most importantly, similar values.
This job, too, is federally funded, but it has less than half of the caseload the other one does and seems smaller scale, more team-oriented, less bureaucratic.
I would be doing similar work with the clients, but they all would be part of the green jobs training program, which I'm thinking would be: more centralized and easily managed in terms of connecting with clients; AND an inroad into green career counseling (which is the wave of the future, don't you know).
The problem - and ironically an aspect that makes it a better fit due to caseload - is that it's half-time.
I interviewed for another part-time position, and with the two combined incomes, I could create a sustainable living. But I haven't heard back from that interview yet. And I do have more doubts about that job in terms of fit. Career exploration classes with junior high school students; can you say "scary"?
Every day, I've been scouring the job sites hoping to snag another part-time opportunity, but no luck yet.
Talking to my brother tonight, I asked him if he had been in a similar position - feeling you should do something, yet feeling strong fear - and how he handled it. He said in situations like that, he tends to "go with his gut." When he said that, I felt a "yes" inside, and I know that is what I need to do, as well.
But, then, that is scary too!
5/18/2011
I Got Soul
I thought maybe I would share some more music with you tonight. My brother introduced me to The Killers a while back, and they are currently enjoying top billing on my authentic life running soundtrack. Hope you enjoy them too.
5/14/2011
The Clearer the Vision. . .
Reflective Questions from a Mid-Life Career Article for Women on the Psychology Today website. What would your answers be? You are invited to answer in the comments section. Maybe the clearer the vision, the closer the reality. . .
- What do I feel I should have done by this time in my life?
Gotten married and had a baby. Have a big savings account. Own a house/condo. Be more "established" and have higher status in my career.
- Is there something more important and fulfilling that I can focus on now?
Not really. I am focusing on the dating/baby thing as best I can. Okay, well, I could focus more on having more discipline and integrating more structured spiritual practices and learning events. Spending more time in nature.
Initiating creative craft and/or choreography projects, possibly set goals? (maybe research classes at community centers and on the online community trade site. Ask artist/dance friends for ideas)
- What do I want more of in my life?
Sex! haha But true!
Family-focused time/activities like exploring, playing, planning, setting mutual goals and working together to accomplish, creating and dancing together, gardening, shared spiritual practice, personal growth. Being parent (s). Imagine everything will be more fun and meaningful when we do things as a family (whatever my family looks like).
Using my greatest gifts in my work and experiencing mutual appreciation/recognition with those I work for and with. Having a sense of accomplishment and that I am making an appreciable difference towards sustainability/ localization/ conscious evolution.
5/11/2011
Theatre and Awkwardness and Resentment, Oh My!
I thought long and hard and decided I would, in fact, continue the parallel theme of "I forgot to post" yesterday. . . . ha!
Actually, I had a long, interesting and lovely night first at my Interplay theatre group, followed by a previous performance viewing at one of the member's home. We have an upcoming "performance" (loosely defined, as it is very improvisation and fairly casual) this coming Tuesday evening and thought it might be informative and helpful if we checked out a hand-held recording from our last performance a couple months ago.
It was better than I thought! I don't know what I expected; at the time I felt, well, not completely confident. But I found it very creative, engaging, and entertaining, and I'm choosing to believe that's not because I knew all the people and I was in it! Maybe this performance will be even better, as I know we all have more confidence now.
Generally the company and conversation throughout the evening was lively and fun. One thing happened at the end of the evening, however, that I would like to share, and if you have any thoughts or insights I would love to hear them.
So there is this older, East Coast (don't mean to stereotype but I'm trying to give you a picture. I do have several East Coast friends!), intellectual, very analytical and verbose guy in our group, who I respect and generally enjoy playing and interacting with in the Interplay world. Outside this world, I don't necessarily enjoy talking with him.
We did an exercise in our group a while back in which it came out that both of us wished we had a greater number of deeper friendships in our lives but didn't for various reasons. After class, he came over and proposed we fill that need for each other.
Now, I appreciate the thought and all, but I don't think he is someone with whom I necessarily want to build that type of friendship. I wasn't completely clear on that at the time though, said thank-you, and agreed maybe we could get together for coffee.
So last night, at the very end of the night when I was exhausted and trying to get out the door and go home, he corners me and brings it up again in a way in which I really felt "put on the spot."
I ungracefully hemmed and hawed a bit, even said, "I don't know why but I feel a little resistant. I know we talked in class about our desire for deeper friendships, but I think it should happen organically," or something like that. But to be fair, I did indicate that yes, I was willing to get together for coffee.
Then I moved around him and started saying goodbye to people. I was hoping to put it off, give him a clue that I was not really interested. But he followed me and persisted in asking how I wanted that to happen, email or phone?
I probably at that point should have insisted I needed to leave and said I'll talk to you about it later or something, but it felt aggressive and I just wanted to get out the door. . . so I gave him my email.
This morning, I'm aware that I feel some resentment and irritation. I don't want to get together with him, and I guess I'll tell him that in the email.
I suppose I'm wondering how I could have done a better job in communicating so it didn't get to that point, and also how to tell him in the email in a way that won't create awkwardness when we are in our group?
Any thoughts?
Actually, I had a long, interesting and lovely night first at my Interplay theatre group, followed by a previous performance viewing at one of the member's home. We have an upcoming "performance" (loosely defined, as it is very improvisation and fairly casual) this coming Tuesday evening and thought it might be informative and helpful if we checked out a hand-held recording from our last performance a couple months ago.
It was better than I thought! I don't know what I expected; at the time I felt, well, not completely confident. But I found it very creative, engaging, and entertaining, and I'm choosing to believe that's not because I knew all the people and I was in it! Maybe this performance will be even better, as I know we all have more confidence now.
Generally the company and conversation throughout the evening was lively and fun. One thing happened at the end of the evening, however, that I would like to share, and if you have any thoughts or insights I would love to hear them.
So there is this older, East Coast (don't mean to stereotype but I'm trying to give you a picture. I do have several East Coast friends!), intellectual, very analytical and verbose guy in our group, who I respect and generally enjoy playing and interacting with in the Interplay world. Outside this world, I don't necessarily enjoy talking with him.
We did an exercise in our group a while back in which it came out that both of us wished we had a greater number of deeper friendships in our lives but didn't for various reasons. After class, he came over and proposed we fill that need for each other.
Now, I appreciate the thought and all, but I don't think he is someone with whom I necessarily want to build that type of friendship. I wasn't completely clear on that at the time though, said thank-you, and agreed maybe we could get together for coffee.
So last night, at the very end of the night when I was exhausted and trying to get out the door and go home, he corners me and brings it up again in a way in which I really felt "put on the spot."
I ungracefully hemmed and hawed a bit, even said, "I don't know why but I feel a little resistant. I know we talked in class about our desire for deeper friendships, but I think it should happen organically," or something like that. But to be fair, I did indicate that yes, I was willing to get together for coffee. Then I moved around him and started saying goodbye to people. I was hoping to put it off, give him a clue that I was not really interested. But he followed me and persisted in asking how I wanted that to happen, email or phone?
I probably at that point should have insisted I needed to leave and said I'll talk to you about it later or something, but it felt aggressive and I just wanted to get out the door. . . so I gave him my email.
This morning, I'm aware that I feel some resentment and irritation. I don't want to get together with him, and I guess I'll tell him that in the email.
I suppose I'm wondering how I could have done a better job in communicating so it didn't get to that point, and also how to tell him in the email in a way that won't create awkwardness when we are in our group?
Any thoughts?
5/10/2011
Ding Ding Ding! We May Have a Match!
I got an interview! For an "Employment Services Representative" at a One Stop Career Center within a college that seems to have many of the characteristics of the "4.0 Career". The administrator and I have exchanged voicemails and hopefully we will get something on the books tomorrow. Maybe this is my good-fit job. . .
Wish me luck!
Excerpt from article:
How The 4.0 Careerist Thinks And Behaves
Here are some ways to assess yourself and your work environment in relation to the rising 4.0 careerist orientation. Assess the extent to which you experience the following in your career and organization:
- Ability to contributing something positive to people's lives, whether through the product or service, regardless of your status within the company.
- Opportunities for new learning, continued growth and expanding your skills and competencies.
- A positive, fun work environment that makes you look forward to going to work.
- A safe and nontoxic office environment and building, including sufficient natural light, and green equipment and furniture.
- Open communication and feedback, up and down.
- A team-oriented, innovative and challenging work culture.
- Employee recognition and reward programs that are fairly applied.
- Positive, supportive leadership and management practices, including corporate citizenship, ethics, transparency and corporate responsibility practices.
- Commitment to diversity in hiring and promotion of employees, including differences of gender, racial/ethnic group, and sexual orientation.
- Support for workers' well-being, through wellness programs, exercise, stress management, flextime and other programs, not surface gestures like free coffee and soda.
dlabier@CenterProgressive.org
My Blog: Progressive Impact
Web Site: Center for Progressive Development
© 2010 Douglas LaBier
My Blog: Progressive Impact
Web Site: Center for Progressive Development
© 2010 Douglas LaBier
5/08/2011
Not There Yet
Almost the end of the weekend, another Mother's Day come and gone.
I generally haven't felt much depth of love and gratitude on this day. My Step Mom married my dad a year and a half after my birth Mom died and, though I call her Mom, for whatever reason we have never had a close-knit mother/daughter bond.
I always get her a card and gift (and remember many times where she did things for which I'm grateful or taught me valuable skills etc.), but if I am honest, I send her these things out of obligation versus an organic feeling of deep appreciation and love.
I went to my dance group today and then out to a Himalayan/Indian lunch with my dance peeps. It was a fun day but generally just another Sunday.
I did have a moment mid-dance where I felt a wave of sadness and sat out on the edge of the floor for a while just being with my feelings. My dance scene is great like that: you can bring whatever you are feeling and be with it in the space without fear of judgment.
Anyway, I think it was because I had been thinking about my Mom and Grandma, and reading a bunch of blogs this morning that were poignant and moving to me (thank you to those of you who recognized and expressed my and others' experience so beautifully), and I just had some emotion stirred up.
But it passed fairly quickly, and then I rejoined the dance.
Maybe someday this day will be full of deep authentic appreciation and love, but I'm not there yet.
I generally haven't felt much depth of love and gratitude on this day. My Step Mom married my dad a year and a half after my birth Mom died and, though I call her Mom, for whatever reason we have never had a close-knit mother/daughter bond.
I always get her a card and gift (and remember many times where she did things for which I'm grateful or taught me valuable skills etc.), but if I am honest, I send her these things out of obligation versus an organic feeling of deep appreciation and love.
I went to my dance group today and then out to a Himalayan/Indian lunch with my dance peeps. It was a fun day but generally just another Sunday.
I did have a moment mid-dance where I felt a wave of sadness and sat out on the edge of the floor for a while just being with my feelings. My dance scene is great like that: you can bring whatever you are feeling and be with it in the space without fear of judgment.
Anyway, I think it was because I had been thinking about my Mom and Grandma, and reading a bunch of blogs this morning that were poignant and moving to me (thank you to those of you who recognized and expressed my and others' experience so beautifully), and I just had some emotion stirred up.
But it passed fairly quickly, and then I rejoined the dance.
Maybe someday this day will be full of deep authentic appreciation and love, but I'm not there yet.
5/03/2011
Go ahead with your own life. . .
Here is another hit song from my authentic life soundtrack.
I will always love Billy Joel. He was the first concert I ever attended, my freshman year of college, and I slept outside the student recreation center at the University of Colorado all night to get tickets. He has claimed a spot in the soundtrack of my life ever since.
When I need to claim my own choices and stand up for myself, this song fills my well of confidence. I hope it gives you strength, as well, or at least some entertainment.
My favorite lines:
"I don't care what you say anymore, this is MY LIFE. Go ahead with your own life, leave me alone."
I will always love Billy Joel. He was the first concert I ever attended, my freshman year of college, and I slept outside the student recreation center at the University of Colorado all night to get tickets. He has claimed a spot in the soundtrack of my life ever since.
When I need to claim my own choices and stand up for myself, this song fills my well of confidence. I hope it gives you strength, as well, or at least some entertainment.
My favorite lines:
"I don't care what you say anymore, this is MY LIFE. Go ahead with your own life, leave me alone."
4/08/2011
Eventful Week
It has been an eventful week. On the employment front, I started a part-time dog-walking job for a nice lady in my neighborhood who has limited mobility. It's not a lot, but it's nice to have a little extra income. I have continued to apply for positions, as I find them. . . haven't heard back from the interview I had a couple weeks ago.
In sadder news, my beloved Grandma passed away last Tuesday. I mentioned her in a previous post, and how R and I (and my grandpa) visited her in the nursing facility before leaving Eugene. We held hands the entire visit, and she was relatively coherent, even making a joke and laughing a few times. I am so grateful for that last time together.
One funny aspect of the visit: she kept asking where we were going to live after we were married! It was cute. I don't mind that she thought we were getting married, as she always wanted that for me and it might have made her happy.
I knew her time was limited and it had been a year or two since she had really been herself, able to carry on the level of connected conversation we had always shared. In a way, I did lose her gradually, but it still never prepares you for someone actually passing away.
I was always her "favorite" and she was always my "special person," who knew, loved, and accepted me unconditionally. We shared so many special times together, from crafts and cookies, to Christmas trees and caroling. She had unending patience for playing dolls and games with me, and later we shared innumerable deep conversations about life and love and family.
After losing my mother at age four, my grandmother really was the only mother-type figure in my life, and no one can ever take her place. She will always be in my heart and will live on in me and who I am and will become. The day she passed away, a "paradise" finch with a beautiful red head and throat visited me twice: once in the morning and again in the afternoon. I had never seen this bird in our yard before, and it may sound crazy, but I believe my grandmother was with me at these times.
Regarding R, after a few days of talking very little, we have had several good conversations. We agreed that I would be more sensitive or flexible about bringing up and talking about issues between us, and he would be more forthcoming with his big picture thoughts before making decisions.
We experienced "Sky.pe" together, which was a lot of fun (very different level of connection).
I have had periods of doubt and anxiety, wondering whether our differences are surmountable, and whether he is willing or able to build/maintain the level of emotional intimacy that I desire. And whether he values self examination and growth, maybe not to the same degree, but at least to some extent. The way he withdrew after our conflict in Washington is definitely of concern to me, though he later said that was extreme and not typical behavior.
Time will tell, I guess. I love him. He loves me. But we know that is not necessarily enough.
I am glad I don't have plans tomorrow. I want to spend some time reflecting and reading. Then dancing on Sunday. My running discipline has continued on Monday, Wednesday, Fridays, so I feel positive about that. Hope you all have a good weekend.
In sadder news, my beloved Grandma passed away last Tuesday. I mentioned her in a previous post, and how R and I (and my grandpa) visited her in the nursing facility before leaving Eugene. We held hands the entire visit, and she was relatively coherent, even making a joke and laughing a few times. I am so grateful for that last time together.
One funny aspect of the visit: she kept asking where we were going to live after we were married! It was cute. I don't mind that she thought we were getting married, as she always wanted that for me and it might have made her happy.
I knew her time was limited and it had been a year or two since she had really been herself, able to carry on the level of connected conversation we had always shared. In a way, I did lose her gradually, but it still never prepares you for someone actually passing away.
I was always her "favorite" and she was always my "special person," who knew, loved, and accepted me unconditionally. We shared so many special times together, from crafts and cookies, to Christmas trees and caroling. She had unending patience for playing dolls and games with me, and later we shared innumerable deep conversations about life and love and family.
After losing my mother at age four, my grandmother really was the only mother-type figure in my life, and no one can ever take her place. She will always be in my heart and will live on in me and who I am and will become. The day she passed away, a "paradise" finch with a beautiful red head and throat visited me twice: once in the morning and again in the afternoon. I had never seen this bird in our yard before, and it may sound crazy, but I believe my grandmother was with me at these times.
Regarding R, after a few days of talking very little, we have had several good conversations. We agreed that I would be more sensitive or flexible about bringing up and talking about issues between us, and he would be more forthcoming with his big picture thoughts before making decisions.
We experienced "Sky.pe" together, which was a lot of fun (very different level of connection).
I have had periods of doubt and anxiety, wondering whether our differences are surmountable, and whether he is willing or able to build/maintain the level of emotional intimacy that I desire. And whether he values self examination and growth, maybe not to the same degree, but at least to some extent. The way he withdrew after our conflict in Washington is definitely of concern to me, though he later said that was extreme and not typical behavior.
Time will tell, I guess. I love him. He loves me. But we know that is not necessarily enough.
I am glad I don't have plans tomorrow. I want to spend some time reflecting and reading. Then dancing on Sunday. My running discipline has continued on Monday, Wednesday, Fridays, so I feel positive about that. Hope you all have a good weekend.
3/30/2011
Disappointing Trip Report - Part II
For some reason, I am not so excited to tell the rest of this story. . . but I feel I should in case anyone is wondering how the trip unfolded (it went on for another several days until last Friday). And to capture it for posterity.
Soooo, after R dropped his little bomb, I became very upset and started packing my clothes, asking him to book me the next flight out. It was high drama: me crying and pulling clothes off hangers, stuffing them in the suitcase, shrugging off his attempt to comfort me, demanding that he get me the next flight.
When he eventually complied, I had one of those moments where you are struck with such undeniable clarity, do you know what I mean? I KNEW I was not going to get on that plane, that I literally could not get on that plane. And when I came to that conclusion, a calm washed over me: I'm sure in part due to feeling some control over a very out of control situation, but also because I really think it was the right thing to do. Because until that point, R was emotionally shut down, but after that? Complete and utter shock, anger, shaking, heart palpitations. . . and I know this sounds heartless but it felt really good for him to engage emotionally in some way, even if it was negative. Anyway, after some further back and forth and ugliness, he left. Later, he confessed he slept in the car that night.
After he left, I felt upset but also calm and still like it was the right thing. Very strange. I tried to contact him the next day but he did not respond, though he actually came home very early in the morning to shower (he stayed at his friend's house).
The following day, I wrote him an email apologizing for my part of things, addressing extenuating circumstances (such as this triggering our time together before when he 'pulled the rug out' from under our relationship, family emotions, drinking, pms, etc.). He wrote saying he appreciated the email but could not deal with things right now, felt horrible, admitted he just wanted to run away. I said I understood but I still hoped he would talk to me.
The following morning when he came home to shower, I got up and talked to him in a half-asleep stupor. It seemed like he kind of expected me to do that. It actually felt good to talk to him, though we did agree I would confirm a plane reservation for the following day.
He came home that night and we talked for a couple hours further. Some good understanding emerged, including that when I express a feeling or concern, I am not looking to hurt or punish him, or for him to fix it. Most often, I just want understanding and empathy.
A light bulb clicked on for me when he talked about HOW I bring up a concern; i.e. first distancing and then talking in a cool, critical tone. He said there are other ways to get his attention and demonstrated keeping connection, warmth, physicality. Very interesting and useful information for me, as he is not the first person to feel picked at or criticized by the way I communicate feelings. He in particular seems affected by my frustration/criticism because of many years with an ex-wife who was, in his perception, often disappointed with him.
Long story short, he stayed at home that night and we left on a good note, if you can believe it. Both said we loved each other, and that we were going to take time to process and then talk on the phone. . . .which we did today!
It went really well and we are going to continue to explore things. This might sound insane after what I just described, but I really do love him and know he loves me. We both agreed to work on things - he said he was going to try and be more open with what he is thinking and feeling, instead of coming to big conclusions on his own, and I said I would not pressure him to talk (process, discuss deeper issues) if he wasn't in a good place to talk. He admitted he is less sensitive when he is drinking or the next morning and that was a factor over the weekend.
So we shall see. The kid issue continues to hang out there and I will write more on this in my next post. Thus ends my dramatic trip saga!
Soooo, after R dropped his little bomb, I became very upset and started packing my clothes, asking him to book me the next flight out. It was high drama: me crying and pulling clothes off hangers, stuffing them in the suitcase, shrugging off his attempt to comfort me, demanding that he get me the next flight.
When he eventually complied, I had one of those moments where you are struck with such undeniable clarity, do you know what I mean? I KNEW I was not going to get on that plane, that I literally could not get on that plane. And when I came to that conclusion, a calm washed over me: I'm sure in part due to feeling some control over a very out of control situation, but also because I really think it was the right thing to do. Because until that point, R was emotionally shut down, but after that? Complete and utter shock, anger, shaking, heart palpitations. . . and I know this sounds heartless but it felt really good for him to engage emotionally in some way, even if it was negative. Anyway, after some further back and forth and ugliness, he left. Later, he confessed he slept in the car that night.
After he left, I felt upset but also calm and still like it was the right thing. Very strange. I tried to contact him the next day but he did not respond, though he actually came home very early in the morning to shower (he stayed at his friend's house).
The following day, I wrote him an email apologizing for my part of things, addressing extenuating circumstances (such as this triggering our time together before when he 'pulled the rug out' from under our relationship, family emotions, drinking, pms, etc.). He wrote saying he appreciated the email but could not deal with things right now, felt horrible, admitted he just wanted to run away. I said I understood but I still hoped he would talk to me.
The following morning when he came home to shower, I got up and talked to him in a half-asleep stupor. It seemed like he kind of expected me to do that. It actually felt good to talk to him, though we did agree I would confirm a plane reservation for the following day.
He came home that night and we talked for a couple hours further. Some good understanding emerged, including that when I express a feeling or concern, I am not looking to hurt or punish him, or for him to fix it. Most often, I just want understanding and empathy.
A light bulb clicked on for me when he talked about HOW I bring up a concern; i.e. first distancing and then talking in a cool, critical tone. He said there are other ways to get his attention and demonstrated keeping connection, warmth, physicality. Very interesting and useful information for me, as he is not the first person to feel picked at or criticized by the way I communicate feelings. He in particular seems affected by my frustration/criticism because of many years with an ex-wife who was, in his perception, often disappointed with him.
Long story short, he stayed at home that night and we left on a good note, if you can believe it. Both said we loved each other, and that we were going to take time to process and then talk on the phone. . . .which we did today!
It went really well and we are going to continue to explore things. This might sound insane after what I just described, but I really do love him and know he loves me. We both agreed to work on things - he said he was going to try and be more open with what he is thinking and feeling, instead of coming to big conclusions on his own, and I said I would not pressure him to talk (process, discuss deeper issues) if he wasn't in a good place to talk. He admitted he is less sensitive when he is drinking or the next morning and that was a factor over the weekend.
So we shall see. The kid issue continues to hang out there and I will write more on this in my next post. Thus ends my dramatic trip saga!
3/26/2011
Disappointing Trip Report - Part I
I'm back from my fairly disappointing trip up North.
Sipping wine and, I'm sad to say, smoking a few cigarettes this afternoon (I am prone to do this occasionally at times of emotional stress).
The wedding was lovely. Everything came together as far as my dress, my toast, my poem reading, and standing up - proudly - for my brother. The wedding activities and wedding came off beautifully, without any major difficulties. It felt so good to be there for my brother at the rehearsal and just prior to the ceremony and hear his thoughts, give him some sisterly advice to be in the moment, drink water, etc. I love my brother so much and hope he is incredibly happy with his new bride.
The situation with R on the other hand. . . well, let's say it did NOT unfold as hoped or planned.
The night prior to him driving down for the weekend from Washington, after I had already arrived in Oregon, he dropped out of communication. I tried to text and call but no R. I wanted to figure out some plans for the next day, confirm when he was driving down, etc., but could not reach him. I called Friday morning and he was on his way driving down. Tension arose when I asked him about where he was the night before and why didn't he check his phone or communicate with me. He got angry and felt I was unfairly giving him the second degree (this was after telling me he had gone out with a friend to a bar and lost track of time). He called back later and apologized and when he arrived in town, things seemed to be okay and start well as we picked up my stuff from my sister's and headed to the hotel.
The rehearsal and dinner that evening all flowed well and I felt fairly close to him, although there was a moment during dinner where he talked about my sister and feeling like he wanted to "take care of her" and like she had a lot on her mind or something, which didn't sit well with me. Perhaps I was feeling some distance between us and this added to the insecurity that already comes up for me around my family. He did not understand my feelings and thought I was being weird.
Later, some of us went over to the hotel bar and at that point I was starting to feel uncomfortable. I am no longer a big party person, though in the past (college and a few years past - including the time when I was first with him) I was right there with the most hard core of them all. He was definitely in the swing of the party, and I felt he was more tuned into drinking than to me.
We did have a wonderful moment where we found a piano and he played, while I dance to the music. Wonderful. And others noticed and thought it was cool. But when we came back to the bar area, the core group had left to go to a bar and it felt to me like we had "missed the wave." I was kind of done truthfully and wanted to just let the night end there, but R was still energized and ready to go.
We went back to the room and I collapsed on the bed (relevant information: I recently started taking an anti-depressant for PMDD and this exaggerates some effects of alcohol). He was on a roll and quickly changed his clothes to go out and join them. I did not like this. It felt strange that he has just met these people and had said he was coming for the wedding to be there for me, yet he was going to leave me and join the others. He left but came back not long after, bringing me a diet pepsi and seeming somewhat contrite.
The next morning, I was feeling some residual funkiness from the night before and tried to talk about it with him over breakfast, but he got really irritated and was hinting that he had doubts about our compatibility, which of course I asked him directly about as is my way. He said yeah, maybe so or something, which sent me into upset and crying. This all seems so silly and dramatic describing it by the way. . .
Anyway, the day progressed, tea bags on the eyes, retraction of what he said, dressing, beautiful wedding ceremony and then reception. During the reception, I noticed he was tracking my sister around the room with his eyes and smiling a little, which triggered my insecurity (my sister is 7 years younger, thinner, the favorite of my parents). I prefaced things with saying I was worried he would be mad and that I just needed reassurance, my own insecurity, etc., and directly communicated my feelings, again, as is my way. He got really mad and said something like "leave me alone," so I left our table and went and hung out, ironically, with my sister and my niece. A while later, I came back and we made up and he admitted he could have made the choice just to reassure me, he just didn't understand my feelings or whatever. We went on to have a really fabulous time dancing together.
The rest of the reception went well but somehow - and I admit that I am part of this decision as my cousins were pressuring me to stay - we ended up with the late night crowd. We actually were fairly connected during all this but I definitely had some judgment around his drinking and also lack of content or depth to our conversations. . . anyway, things went okay until the next morning when he got mad again when I tried to tell him that I didn't feel comfortable with something. When I looked back on things, it was like he developed a hair trigger and just immediately felt irritated whenever I brought up any feelings. It sucked.
We went to the brunch at my parents, visited my grandparents (which was great and really wonderful he came with me for that - meant a lot to me and my grandmother who is suffering from dementia), then drove up to Washington. The drive was fairly disconnected, to say the least.
The next day, he went to work early and when he got back, after shopping, we "checked in," and he told me again that he did not think it was going to work. Really? After a crazy family wedding weekend, filled with emotion and drinking? You are going to make that kind of big picture judgment NOW? I was clearly extremely upset and shocked, though maybe I should not have been looking back at the weekend. . . to be continued.
Sipping wine and, I'm sad to say, smoking a few cigarettes this afternoon (I am prone to do this occasionally at times of emotional stress).
The wedding was lovely. Everything came together as far as my dress, my toast, my poem reading, and standing up - proudly - for my brother. The wedding activities and wedding came off beautifully, without any major difficulties. It felt so good to be there for my brother at the rehearsal and just prior to the ceremony and hear his thoughts, give him some sisterly advice to be in the moment, drink water, etc. I love my brother so much and hope he is incredibly happy with his new bride.
The situation with R on the other hand. . . well, let's say it did NOT unfold as hoped or planned.
The night prior to him driving down for the weekend from Washington, after I had already arrived in Oregon, he dropped out of communication. I tried to text and call but no R. I wanted to figure out some plans for the next day, confirm when he was driving down, etc., but could not reach him. I called Friday morning and he was on his way driving down. Tension arose when I asked him about where he was the night before and why didn't he check his phone or communicate with me. He got angry and felt I was unfairly giving him the second degree (this was after telling me he had gone out with a friend to a bar and lost track of time). He called back later and apologized and when he arrived in town, things seemed to be okay and start well as we picked up my stuff from my sister's and headed to the hotel.
The rehearsal and dinner that evening all flowed well and I felt fairly close to him, although there was a moment during dinner where he talked about my sister and feeling like he wanted to "take care of her" and like she had a lot on her mind or something, which didn't sit well with me. Perhaps I was feeling some distance between us and this added to the insecurity that already comes up for me around my family. He did not understand my feelings and thought I was being weird.
Later, some of us went over to the hotel bar and at that point I was starting to feel uncomfortable. I am no longer a big party person, though in the past (college and a few years past - including the time when I was first with him) I was right there with the most hard core of them all. He was definitely in the swing of the party, and I felt he was more tuned into drinking than to me.
We did have a wonderful moment where we found a piano and he played, while I dance to the music. Wonderful. And others noticed and thought it was cool. But when we came back to the bar area, the core group had left to go to a bar and it felt to me like we had "missed the wave." I was kind of done truthfully and wanted to just let the night end there, but R was still energized and ready to go.
We went back to the room and I collapsed on the bed (relevant information: I recently started taking an anti-depressant for PMDD and this exaggerates some effects of alcohol). He was on a roll and quickly changed his clothes to go out and join them. I did not like this. It felt strange that he has just met these people and had said he was coming for the wedding to be there for me, yet he was going to leave me and join the others. He left but came back not long after, bringing me a diet pepsi and seeming somewhat contrite.
The next morning, I was feeling some residual funkiness from the night before and tried to talk about it with him over breakfast, but he got really irritated and was hinting that he had doubts about our compatibility, which of course I asked him directly about as is my way. He said yeah, maybe so or something, which sent me into upset and crying. This all seems so silly and dramatic describing it by the way. . .
Anyway, the day progressed, tea bags on the eyes, retraction of what he said, dressing, beautiful wedding ceremony and then reception. During the reception, I noticed he was tracking my sister around the room with his eyes and smiling a little, which triggered my insecurity (my sister is 7 years younger, thinner, the favorite of my parents). I prefaced things with saying I was worried he would be mad and that I just needed reassurance, my own insecurity, etc., and directly communicated my feelings, again, as is my way. He got really mad and said something like "leave me alone," so I left our table and went and hung out, ironically, with my sister and my niece. A while later, I came back and we made up and he admitted he could have made the choice just to reassure me, he just didn't understand my feelings or whatever. We went on to have a really fabulous time dancing together.
The rest of the reception went well but somehow - and I admit that I am part of this decision as my cousins were pressuring me to stay - we ended up with the late night crowd. We actually were fairly connected during all this but I definitely had some judgment around his drinking and also lack of content or depth to our conversations. . . anyway, things went okay until the next morning when he got mad again when I tried to tell him that I didn't feel comfortable with something. When I looked back on things, it was like he developed a hair trigger and just immediately felt irritated whenever I brought up any feelings. It sucked.
We went to the brunch at my parents, visited my grandparents (which was great and really wonderful he came with me for that - meant a lot to me and my grandmother who is suffering from dementia), then drove up to Washington. The drive was fairly disconnected, to say the least.
The next day, he went to work early and when he got back, after shopping, we "checked in," and he told me again that he did not think it was going to work. Really? After a crazy family wedding weekend, filled with emotion and drinking? You are going to make that kind of big picture judgment NOW? I was clearly extremely upset and shocked, though maybe I should not have been looking back at the weekend. . . to be continued.
2/18/2011
Like Frankie said, "I did it my way."
This song from my authentic life soundtrack has been running through my head the past couple of days, so I thought I would share the magic. Okay, so it's not an especially deep or complex song, but for whatever reason I feel strong and kind of badass when I hear it.
Five more days until R arrives. He will be here from Wednesday evening until Monday morning. I feel like I can be myself with him and he accepts me (even my PMS, edgy side!), which makes me happy. I decided I am not going to ask him directly if he is open to having another child (he has three already) until he is here with me. I have a sense he will be open but time will tell. Will post again soon about recent developments. . .
Five more days until R arrives. He will be here from Wednesday evening until Monday morning. I feel like I can be myself with him and he accepts me (even my PMS, edgy side!), which makes me happy. I decided I am not going to ask him directly if he is open to having another child (he has three already) until he is here with me. I have a sense he will be open but time will tell. Will post again soon about recent developments. . .
1/30/2011
Limited Vision
As you can probably see, I've been struggling a bit with formatting on this blog. I like to write out a draft post in a document on my Mac, then cut and paste. But somehow during this process the font changes and no longer complies normally with blogger editing tools.
Anyway, it's a work in progress, and I'm enjoying the process of learning!
A thought today: It's so easy to judge others and separate ourselves from them and their situation. My father did that recently with regard to my life and his idea of "meaning."
I know I have done the same thing looking at my parents' choices. And I have done it in relationships, taking on an attitude of contempt versus compassion.
This song, by Ani DiFranco fills me with a sense of strength when I hear it and is a reminder that each of us is so much more than one person's necessarily limited view and judgments.
Anyway, it's a work in progress, and I'm enjoying the process of learning!
A thought today: It's so easy to judge others and separate ourselves from them and their situation. My father did that recently with regard to my life and his idea of "meaning."
I know I have done the same thing looking at my parents' choices. And I have done it in relationships, taking on an attitude of contempt versus compassion.
This song, by Ani DiFranco fills me with a sense of strength when I hear it and is a reminder that each of us is so much more than one person's necessarily limited view and judgments.
1/25/2011
Make Your Own Music
I have recently compiled a playlist of songs that inspire me to be more authentic and claim my own identity and my own life. This one is at the top of the list right now, and I wanted to share it with you. I will continue to share the songs in future posts.
1/10/2011
Active versus Passive Part II
To finish my summary introduction about the journey that brought me to this blog and what I intend this blog to be about (which may change): I left off at the juncture of losing my Bay Area job a few months ago just as I was about to get insurance and begin ttc (trying to conceive) again. Since that point, I have spent time evaluating my career strategy and focus and getting more clear about what I want in my next job and work environment (a better fit for my strengths of counseling/training/creativity, as well as greater transparency, progressive consciousness, and supportive work culture - see 4.0 Career, while ttc has taken a back seat, AGAIN. . .
. . .though I did spend a couple of months exploring a co-parenting possibility with a local man. He was attractive, gay, responsible, caring, practiced sports medicine at a local college, all good on paper and yet. . .when we spent time together and talked in greater depth about who we were and what we wanted, it became clear that our personalities/values/vision were too disparate. The nail in the coffin was the fact that he wanted EXACTLY equal time sharing of the child from DAY 1 (as in newborn), which meant we would need to live together and I was very clear that did not sound appealing.
I would still love to find a co-parent, actually, but through this experience have learned what it would take (for me: someone caring and responsible but also easy going and flexible, wants active parenting but not hung up or needing control over exact percentages, etc. and the key point being compatible personalities), and frankly I am not optimistic I will ever find that situation. Almost as hard as finding a great ROMANTIC relationship! lol
Which brings me to now and this blog and beginning to share my journey. I want to make mention of the title, "It's MY LIFE," which has to do with authenticity in the world and creating my own life, even when where I feel called to go diverges from family and mainstream approval and expectations. Part of the impetus for this blog ironically came from my father. When I went back to Oregon for Christmas, my father and I had another exchange which was particularly devastating for me (must learn not to go to stone for water) but which I'm beginning to see as a catalyst for a final shift in accepting who I really am and following my heart and soul.
What do I hope will happen from here? My goals now include finishing my current round of "great fit" organization research, then contacting them for meetings/interviews or applying as appropriate, as well as continuing to search and apply for posted positions. Continuing to date (will explore this in another post), build and contribute to local grassroots community organizing/change (another post), and pray my fertility holds out until I can start ttc again!
I look forward to hearing from you about these topics, as well.
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