Lots happening and lots to do

I participated in my first Petaluma community event yesterday, which is called Butter and Eggs Day, in reference to Petaluma's farming roots.There was a parade and I rode on the decorated hay wagon truck as part of my college's entry. There were staff with their kids, as well as students mostly dressed in graduation caps and gowns. Everybody in Petaluma and many beyond Petaluma came out for the event and I had a great time. I got to know one of my students a little better who was riding next to me, and on the other side was my supervisor and her two young boys who were super cute and involved. I bought a small bucket of freshly cooked fried chicken (I shared!) to start the event off, then later got snowcones with my supervisor and her kids. Yum!

 As this event implies, I'm feeling more comfortable in my newer job and have an increased sense of competence and belonging. The bad news there is that there is current budgetary uncertainty for the summer, so I'm not sure what if any hours I'll get for June and July. Fingers crossed.

I have three pieces of good news to report, however: First, after being called in for an interview at the College of Marin – which is next-door to my nonprofit in Larkspur, about 30 minutes from my new home – I received the thrilling call that I was hired as an adjunct counselor! I don't know whether I'll have summer or fall hours yet, but it's wonderful to not just depend on one college for counseling hours. Also, the College of Marin is smaller and seems like a fun department, as well as having handy proximity to my nonprofit. Oh, and I can have eight more hours a week at the nonprofit this summer if I want… Of course they pay considerably less.

Second, I landed a new (phone) client for 1000 bucks! This gets me partway there to covering less hours or time off in summer. I also changed my Meetup group location to Petaluma and plan to have a Meetup sometime in the next month, in hopes of landing another client or two. There is reasonably-priced office space to rent here, too, like I was doing previously.

Third, my townhome complex manager, after I assertively reminded her of her promise, was able to schedule my washer/dryer enclosure to be built next week. Woo hoo! The weather has turned nice and sunny finally, but  I was still worried about my washer and dryer being out in the elements. 

In addition to landing summer work, my plate is chock-full of to-do's, it seems. Feel free to skip this next action step section, but I find it helpful to list intended actions on my blog to reference and, in a way, hold me accountable. My current to-do's or action steps:

Adoption action steps 

1. Research child care in Petaluma
2. Put together crib and hang decals/art on the wall
3. Purchase a changing table or use the table I have with a changing pad
4. Find a small children's dresser in white or red
5. Complete CPR class Second Saturday in May 
6. Fill out replacement forms for Homestudy
7. Make a visitation appointment with the social worker for end of May
8. Prior to the appointment, make sure safety latches on necessary drawers and cabinets and medicine lockbox is working  

Home actions. Except for unpacking, which I'd like to finish up in the next week or two, none of these have a set timeline 

1. Finish unpacking few boxes downstairs
2. Unpack bags and suitcases in my room
3. Hang art
4. Buy bathroom rug, towel bar, and hooks for bathroom and bedroom
5. Re-finish blue end tables or paint myself - new handles
6. Get a vanity table and chair for bedroom
7. New mattress for me
8. Buy new dog bed for Zoey

Per last post, actions to get involved in meaningful activities locally: 

1. Start going to farmers market Saturday afternoons
2. Attend swing dance workshop and dance in May
3. Try out a new church every first Sunday of the month until find one that clicks
4. Attend upcoming local activism fair/tabling event -  contact and attend meeting for local political organization or closest transition town group

Unpacking Physically and Mentally

I'm slowly getting unpacked and tired of dealing with boxes! I only have a few left of current items. Thank God I have a space under the stairs to store a lot of boxes that were in the attic. At some point I have to pare down some of the memorabilia from my mom and grandmothers, which is hard as I'm sure you know. I also have quite a few plastic bins on a utility storage shelf on the back patio. Praying they're waterproof! They are supposed to be. Kitchen is pretty much unpacked, which feels great.

The management promised me they would build a structure to protect my washer and dryer on the right side of patio within a couple weeks, and tomorrow is two weeks. Unfortunately, we've continued to have greater than expected rainfall here in California. I think they are OK so far but don't want them to get rained on further! Ironically, the manager is talking about the rain as an obstacle to them completing the project, aargh.  Rain rain go away.  Sorry for the boring moving updates… Hopefully this won't be the center of my focus much longer.

On a reflective note around moving, I was talking to S, who has provided some support for the move, and he shared his hope that I connect with local activities, like I did when I was living in Oakland. He said that when I was living in Martinez, it seemed like I was remote, and my involvement dropped off. I didn't really enjoy hearing that reflection! I did ask him to consider what his own feelings and motives may be around bringing that up, but I want to take in the essence of truth that may be there. I think there were several reasons why I didn't get more engaged locally in Martinez and that my activism, dance, and theater activities dropped off, including:

1. The commute time was doubled to get to dance or interplay in Oakland/Berkeley.
2. For a good amount of time, I was focused on my business marketing training and getting business clients.
3. I injured my knee at the end of 2015, which  prevented me from dancing for several months and I never really got back into it. 
4. Roommate and relationship drama sucked my energy for part of my time in Martinez.  
5. The last half of 2016 and beginning of 2017, I was working toward completing my homestudy, which also takes focus and energy.

So some of the reasons were out of my control, while others relate to my priorities at the time. I do notice that the activities that dropped off the radar, were related to creativity, soul enrichment, and community that goes along with that. I want to make an effort to reengage with at least one or two of these activities, both for my own enrichment, but also because I think they will make me a better person and a better mom. And I see the role they can create in providing community and support when I have a child.

On that note, I researched swing dancing in my area and contacted the instructor for a workshop I hope to take May 20th, followed by a dance. One thing I did do in the last few months in Martinez, is find and attend a (spiritual) church a few times.  I looked into this type of church in my area, but didn't find anything. Ideally, I would really like to find a church in Petaluma because I want to be grounded as much as possible in where I actually live.  So I might attend a Presbyterian or progressive Christian church, if I can find one near me.  I want to keep this intention in my awareness going forward.

 Off to unpack more boxes and maybe even put together the crib! Wish me luck.

End of NaBlaPoMo and My Word for 2017 (and 2016)

Final November prompt for NaBloPoMo: "Have you chosen a word of the year for yourself for 2017? What is it? If not, what words would you consider?" When I first read this, I thought this year for some reason so started writing about that. So first I will share my word(s) for 2016:

First, a stream of consciousness word jumble to brainstorm:

 S, colon cancer, NVC, not again, car wreck, totaled, insurance, new used car, EOL pod, financial coaching, business growth, ups and downs, reunion, rekindled hope, fundraising, donor embryo, niece, pen pal, Oregon, ceramics, housemate search, new housemate, relief, new job, belonging, appreciation, laughter, Halloween, unicorn, too.many.interviews, rejection, questioning, lessons learned, business plan?, Thanksgiving from planet meh, love my dog, foster adoption training, home study, new connections, refocus on BNI, ready for December holidays, trip home, avalanches of abundance.

Narrowing to three: ups and downs; rekindled hope; and too.many.interviews.

Narrowing to one: REKINDLED HOPE. These words relate to becoming a mom and they are core to my purpose and the fire that fuels my drive forward in life.

And finally, the true prompt, my word for 2017... what do I want to welcome into my life in the new year: FAMILY. My own family - that's it. Inherent in that word is home, stability, and love. Yes!

Thanks for reading along with my 29 posts this month. I feel good about this accomplishment! And look forward to staying in touch with several new bloggers. Happy (in 5 minutes on the West Coast) December!

Thanksgiving Memories

In my family of origin, Thanksgiving generally included really good food and not so good connections. Dinner conversation would either be stilted or one extroverted person would be putting on a comedy show. One dare not ask or share anything at a deeper level for fear of being ridiculed. It never felt safe to share about challenges or be vulnerable.

In later years, after my siblings got married, more alcohol was mixed in, and people became "jolly" as the night wore on; sometimes overly so! I remember one time my brother-in-law was quite intoxicated at the end of the night and he was carrying my nephew home who had fallen asleep. I was truly afraid he might trip and fall with the baby, but thankfully he made it.

I would have a bit deeper introvert-friendly one-on-one side conversations sometimes but most family members seemed compelled to track the whole group focus, story, or comedy routine. I'm not a great storyteller or comedian in group situations, especially when the culture is not supportive, so this meant I didn't end up speaking much.

For as long as I can remember, my Dad has retired early, regardless of who may still be present. He makes no apologies for this, just states he's done, says goodnight, and walks out of the room. My (step) mom would stay up later on holidays. She enjoyed having people around, even if she didn't venture into very deep waters, would ask questions, and we had some good conversations later at night when I was staying at my parents' house.

This year, I won't be with family, or even with friends, which I guess I sort of chose by not reaching out to procure an invitation or inviting people to my house. I'm going to get a newsletter and marketing piece done by end of tomorrow, as well as take a long hike with my dog and watch a movie.  I may make some rolls or get some turkey and cranberry from the store. Leftovers are the best, and I'll miss them if I don't end up cooking.

One of my favorite memories of Thanksgiving, is one I celebrated with a close friend in Central California. We are both INFP personalities and tend to live and communicate in deep waters. We wrote out what we were thankful for and what we wanted to release and shared it with one another. Maybe I'll do an activity like that tomorrow...

The Four Questions

I'm developing and expanding my career counseling activities and tools in the realm of the "inner game" of career transition. "Inner game" meaning working through the fears, self-doubt, and self-sabotage that can come up when you are expanding and pursuing new goals in your career.

Eventually, I envision offering this and other content through group events and online programs, as well as individual counseling. I thought I'd share one tool that clients have said they appreciate lately. It's a tool from Byron Katie called, The Four Questions.

Here are the questions I share with clients, along with other "inner game" tools. I recommend The Four Questions when you're wrestling with persistent, negative self-talk. Let me know what you think!
 

The Four Questions

We all have self-judgments or self-doubts that come up in the career change process...i.e. “I'm too old,” “I'm not talented enough,” “I'm not qualified or experienced enough,” etc. Reduce the power of these thoughts by reality checking them with Byron Katie's, "Four Questions":

1. Is it true?
2. Do I absolutely know it's true?
3. How do I react and what happens when I believe that thought?
4. What would I be without that thought?

Dear Sugar

I'm tired tonight, and kind of numb, like others have said, following the election. I want to take this opportunity to share a radio podcast I've been listening to lately call Dear Sugar Radio. They are really kind and wise people, and I feel my life is enriched by listening; plus I learn from others stories and experiences.  

Basically, they read letters from listeners, around chosen themes of the day -  infidelity, friendship, jealousy, parenting, getting back together with exes, etc. - and respond individually and sort of riffing off each other. They talk about their own lives and also reference literature, which adds another layer.

I'm definitely getting more out of it on my long drives to work then the pop radio stations I was listening to, and am especially appreciating their compassion, love, and hope right now.

Still in limbo but turning a corner...

I heard back yesterday from the memorial trust and it's a big, "NO." :-(  I could not have felt any better about the interview, but I guess either someone else had more experience or there was an insider candidate. Moving on... I plan to finish my Napa college application this weekend. The application has tons of "extra" questions, which is so annoying. Sorry for the kvetching, but I get so tired of answering the same darn questions over and over and over. At least I can cut and paste some of my previous answers, but these guys went the extra mile and doubled the number of questions asked. boo.

I haven't heard back from Oregon, but since they said they were moving forward quickly, I don't think that is a good sign. I just sent an inquiry and imagine I'll hear back by Tuesday, if not sooner. That interview kind of sucked, so I'm not holding my breath. Moving to Oregon right now would be a HUGE deal, obviously, so I feel mixed emotions about not getting this one, one emotion being content with it. Maybe down the road.

I had a client consultation last week and will likely know if they're a new client on Tuesday. Fingers crossed!! He was shopping Career Counselors though, and said he would be talking to two or three other folks, as well. He did say he liked me, and he's an Introvert so my expertise fits him. I am also leading a meetup group on the 6th and hope to get a few more consultations from that. My budget definitely needs an influx of income, so I appreciate any good thoughts.

Still feeling kind of in limbo. Continuing to enjoy my "for now" part-time resource job with the brain injury support organization. I don't enjoy the paperwork part of it, but the people are so friendly and kind and I feel useful. It's quite refreshing following my last college job where I felt I didn't really belong. The long, stressful commute there and back I will not miss when I leave, which I still hope will be sooner rather than later.

I got motivated last night to find one or two local fun and enriching activities, where I could grow and learn, as well as potentially meet interesting people (especially ones I might want to date). I found a Unity church in the city 15-20 minutes from me that offers a lot of classes, which break the ice in getting to know people as an Introvert. I'm thinking about a Monday night spiritual principles class. I also put out a couple of feelers on local dance classes but haven't found the right fit yet. There are regular dances around here, but again, I need the structure of a class to engage and meet people, at least at first. My favorite is swing dance, so I'm hoping to find a good choice in that arena. Internet dating is so limited, and I'm not connecting with people I really resonate with that way. Plus, I'm feeling the urge for some personal growth.

I still hope to find a regular networking group to meet referral partners for my business, since the one I was attending in the Spring crashed and burned when we didn't get enough members to officially launch the group. We will see. I need to up my current income before I could invest in something else, though.

I'm starting to feel the turn into fall, and I'm ready for it. I guess it's bringing energy to expand and explore new things. Beginning to look forward to Halloween - my second favorite holiday - as well.

Expanding Business and Family

I just attended another weekend intensive for my business marketing program. Whew, my Introvert is once again exhausted! I'm glad I went, though, because I am now re-inspired to keep the momentum growing with my business.

I also had a moment of insight that I hope will continue to unfold and positively affect my energy and the flow of money in my business.  It happened near the end of the last day when the program leader did another "break-through" session with an attendee that helped them heal from a block holding them back. We then went through an exercise that could potentially heal the same block in us... basically, letting other people's criticism and ways they had hurt us hold us back from expressing our gifts and living our life fully. I initially thought that my "issue" was around a frat guy kind of archetype being critical of or hurtful to me - which I have had some unfortunate experience with and which my dad resembles in some ways - but then during the exercise I became emotionally triggered when my partner looked away at someone else in the room (we were taking turns doing dance/movement for the purpose of taking our power back). When she did that, I felt my power immediately drop out of me and I couldn't recover it, ending the exercise feeling sad.

On reflection, I realized a core issue for me is letting others define whether I am important or "good enough." It may sound simple, but it feels significant to pinpoint. It's odd because I have felt scared to be "seen" at time with putting my business communication and messages into the world, but I think underlying that is a fear that I will put my heart out there and create something I care about and want to share with others and no one will be interested or want it. So, I think that leads to me playing it somewhat safe and not wholeheartedly putting myself out there in my work and daring to care or become attached. Something like that. I'm still figuring it out. Anyway, I feel grateful and plan to discuss it in my business coaching session because I think it will lead to growth. This program places importance on both the "inner" and "outer" game or work we do, which resonates with the way I view my own work with clients and is a big part of why I joined this program.

S and I are getting along well and have had fun together lately, as well as sharing some productive and loving conversations. After struggling with my judgmental side coming up again strongly in our relationship, I made a shift in which I changed the question to "how" versus "whether." In other words, focusing on how to be in the relationship and deal with my judgments versus whether to continue in the relationship considering the judgments, which I think is a positive boundary for me. My mind definitely has the tendency to fixate on something and drive me, and others, crazy at times. He is being very helpful and supportive with my business, which feels awesome.

Lastly, his daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughter are definitely moving out here in a month or month and a half. His granddaughter is only one and a half and a smart and adorable little girl. We will spend time with them regularly, I think, and be part of their support system. S will more than me, but I see both of us being involved, especially considering my thus far very positive connection with his daughter and the way S and my relationship is heading. Wow, just thinking about that is exciting! And I can enjoy it without reservation because S is supportive now of my own desire to become a mom. So, I don't feel like it's one or the other or in place of having my own child.

Oh, and S is recovered from his stomach flu and finally getting back to regular strength after his surgery. I know he has more treatment to come, but it's nice to have some time where he is feeling good!

Why Blog?

I really enjoy blogging and get a lot out of it as far as expressing and clarifying my feelings and thoughts.  Also, I like knowing you are reading and following along.  

With regard to the second statement, I am having one of those moments I have had before, and have seen others have, in which I'm wondering who the majority of "you" are... Is what I'm saying landing with you?  I know the vast majority of people just skim through blogs, reading when they can in the midst of busy lives.  

It's kind of vulnerable to say, but I will admit that comments mean something to me.  In case you were wondering, they matter to me.  Even if I only get two or three responses, which seems to be the norm (out of supposedly, according to my stats tracker, around 50 page views per day).  

* Thank you to my few regular commenters and friends!

It looks like lots of folks come over from the blog, "Life and Love in the Petri Dish," who I know has a lot larger audience.  So, if it's true that comments indicate connection, maybe this blog is passing entertainment for many, and there is less of a connection to my posts.  I don't fault this or think it is bad... but I do like to have a sense that someone is out there, and that my words are landing.  Personally, there are maybe a dozen blogs I read regularly and comment on - not every time, but on a regular basis.

So, I am not sure what to do, if anything.  Maybe I'm feeling a little lost, like I'm writing in a void.  Maybe I need to be more focused and write more for my audience.  I started writing on January 9, 2011 and spoke about my journey of trying to conceive a child, as well as recently losing my job and seeking another one that had more of what I wanted.  I talked about making choices that didn't fit my family norm (that they actively disapproved of) and, through the title of this blog, wanting to claim my life as my own.  I have ended up sharing a lot about dating and, for a couple years, about trying to conceive with my partner.  Personal growth and self-improvement have also been big themes in my life and writing; since I'm an introvert, it's been very helpful to get out of my head! 

But my primary blogging connections have always been through the TTC and SMC communities.  At 46, I think I am done with ttc, though I am actively taking steps towards adoption.  I am continuing to date and am on the cusp of possibly getting into another relationship.  I only post every 10 days to two weeks so maybe that's not enough to stay on people's radar.  Maybe it's time to reach out to other communities, as well, so that more women might read and relate to what I am sharing.  Perhaps one of these new communities for me will be adoption or foster adoption.  

I know I want to stay connected to the few folks who I have come to know and consider friends.  Even though most now have kids, I love hearing about their lives, and hope to join them in the next year or two.  My brother's wife just had their second child, so my extended family is very kid-focused.

If you blog and have feedback, I welcome hearing it. And if you are following and would like to continue reading my blog, would you please comment and say "hi"?  What do you connect with in my posts or what would you like to hear more about?  Do you have any questions?  I would love to hear from you.

Another dating wave...

Dating Report:

I am having another wave of dating at the moment... went out for dinner and wine Monday night with a very nice high school acting teacher.  He looked cute in his profile but the pictures were angled such that I couldn't see his build.  I may have mentioned I prefer conscious, intelligent lumberjack types - partly because I'm a solid gal myself.  :)  Anyway, when we met, I noticed he had a smaller build, which lessened the attraction. * Sidenote: As anyone who had online dated can attest, these small disappointments are commonplace, as of course we are all going to put our most flattering photos online or perhaps have photos that don't fully show how we look, and human nature is to project what we want to see.

But he was really nice and warm and interesting, so we had a lovely conversation with good connection, laughing, and some flirting, as well.  It's one of those situation where I could talk myself into pushing forward, even though the attraction is not quite there, but I don't want to put myself or him through the place where that strategy has led me in the past.  Sooo, even though we indicated we would see each other again, and I know I would have a good time if a did, I'm thinking probably no.  What do you think?

There are a couple other men I have been communicating with and will likely meet with soon.  One guy seems really interesting in terms of his art and activism work in SF, but initially I did not see much depth in his profile.  Strangely, a few months later, his profile now seems to have more depth.  I think when I initially read his profile, he had recently ended a relationship and was in a not-so-great place so maybe he is more open now.  In any case, I'm more excited to meet him now and will probably have a coffee date in the next week or so if all goes well.

Related to my dating attitude: During a recent coaching session (a guy from my leadership program and I are continuing to co-coach each other), he said something like, "What if there is someone out there who will love you just the way you are, right now."  I think this was in response to me sharing how I feel not-so-attractive right now and like I need to lose a few pounds, etc.  When he said that, however, it really landed with me and I have been thinking of it periodically ever since.  There are people out there like me - skinnier, heavier, more attractive, less attractive - who find people and fall in love.  So why not me?  Am I so hideous that no one could love me?  There are men out there who would love me just as I am.  This is very comforting to recognize and sit with.

I guess that's about all for now.  I found a possible roommate, so this has expanded my housing search possibilities.  More on that later...  xo

A No-Good Very Bad Day

Today was a no-good, very bad day.

It started with being 15 minutes late to work, then two of my appointments didn't show up... which wasn't that big of deal, but then my last appointment the department chair sat in and, unfortunately, it was nerve-wracking with lots of different issues thrown in, and I made a couple of mistakes.  She was, in my opinion, mean and overly harsh with how she communicated with me about my shortcomings right after the appointment, and I ended up crying.  I know I should not have taken it so hard but it really hurt my feelings.  I (and other adjunct counselors I know) try really hard with the students in individual appointments and teaching, and put in lots of extra hours planning for class, and really get no recognition or appreciation for it.  I get paid well, so there is that.  But anyway, it made me feel bad about myself and just really sad.

I will fully admit that I do not receive criticism well.  I'm trying to develop a thicker skin and I think I've made a little headway, but today I was not so tough.  We talked again later, after my class, and I apologized to her for getting so upset.  She admitted she tends to be a harsh critic and that she should not have led with the comments she did.  I said that there is definitely more I need to learn, but that the appointment was not representative of my typical work.  I have seen several students a day,  two days a week all school year and I've done well and become increasingly confident.  Different issues come up in general counseling than came up working in Career Technical Education, such as more transfer issues and processes such as TAG, where students apply and are automatically admitted to a UC.  Anyway, as mentioned, I have more to learn, but she could have communicated the criticism in a much more constructive way.  :(

Going forward, I really want to work on this sensitivity, and also my fear of criticism.  I really hate it.  I'd rather be slapped in the face.  It somehow feels like when I'm being criticized, they are saying I'm a bad person and there's something very wrong with me.  It's like I can't separate my "performance" from my true self at these times.  I know this goes back to my Dad and how he communicated... he had a way of showing anger or frustration with something I did that he didn't like in an intense, controlled way that made me feel in those moment like he hated me and was disgusted with me.  Yuck.  Not a good feeling, especially when I did depend on my Dad a lot, as my one parent (there was my step-mom but as mentioned, we never had a true parental bond or closeness), for approval and love.

The fact is (I'm saying this to myself - so listen self!) that I am an adult now and I have innate value and worth outside anything anyone could say or think about me.  I KNOW I care about students and have worked very hard to answer their questions and support, advise, and teach them.  I wish I performed better under pressure but I love myself anyway and forgive myself for not doing as well as I would have liked today.  I hope over time, the department chair and other powers that be will come to know and value my work.  If this doesn't happen over time, then likely this college is not the best place for me to work.  I'm hopeful it will, but I'm going to continue to look for and apply to other positions, both full and part-time, at other colleges.

Thanks for listening!  Tomorrow is another day... and I have my trip to Oregon this weekend to look forward to.

Happy Easter! And updates...

This is going to be a bit all over the place.  I haven't posted in a while and want to give updates on a few things.

I finished my Leadership program!  Yay!!! Six months did seem to go by quickly.  Such a blessing to go right into that program from my breakup with S.  I made some major shifts in awareness of patterns in my life and am working on changing those patterns, including not abandoning myself and staying aware of my needs when I'm working and in social situations.  And not "crashing into unconsciousness" when get home and overeating.  I'm exchanging career counseling for health coaching with one of my cohorts in the program, K (he's so sweet and very attractive - and young and engaged with a baby on the way :), which is exactly what I need and such great serendipity.

Also, I had my first Social Change Theatre Troupe meeting yesterday!  There were four of us and we did several theatre activities together and THREE of us led them!  This is so amazing to me because I've always longed to be part of a group in which others could lead, and it didn't always fall to me as it has in the past.  Woohoo!  The downside is that two of these folks are limited in their time commitment... but they still want to be involved and I'm going to continue reaching out to others and plan on meeting monthly to start with.

In other good news, I will have lots of work this summer!  Part of me wishes I could just take the summer off (I do have a couple trips planned), but I need to keep the money coming in and am grateful that we can actually work more hours than normal in the summer.  Maybe this will allow me to actually build a more solid reserve.  My financial aid is clamoring to begin payments, but I'm hoping I can defer a bit longer and will find out about that tomorrow.  I didn't get called in for an interview with one of the jobs I applied for - I didn't really expect it since I applied last minute and I know a lot of people were going for the job.  I'm still waiting to hear about the full-time job at the college where I work now but the situation is similar with lots of more experienced folks also having applied.  A co-worker told me of a few more open positions yesterday so I plan to check them out.

On a related note, I find it really interesting that most people I've talked to say that the most important thing in single parenting is having flexibility and TIME, not money.  Did I already talk about that here?  Not that I'm pursuing that track right now, but thinking of the future... And also, flexibility and time is just a general indicator of happiness.  I'd like to continue to build my career counseling clients (I have two right now) and continue my activism work.  That said, part of me is a bit torn about starting a full-time counseling gig... but I'm ready for a greater abundance of cash flow and life choices and am open to how that might happen.  Do any of you have advice based on your own experiences?

As far as I know, I will still need to move in July... my theatre friends who were here yesterday mentioned a place opening up in their building so I am going to follow up on that.  It would be so wonderful to live near close friends, and I have other friends in that neighborhood, as well.

Happy Easter to Everyone!!!  Hope you get some treats today.  I'm going dancing and then was invited last minute to a friend's house for dinner.  There will be a few little kiddos there, so that will be fun.  No hot dates lately, but an attractive Latino man expressed interest in me yesterday online. :)

My Discernment is Unreliable

I saw my counselor today; the same one S and I were seeing when we were together.  It felt great to share some residual feelings I had from when S and I were stuck and fighting, as well as the final rounds of processing we did and insights we had.

Two of the main ones that I don't think I shared here were that:  One,  I agreed with S that, yes, I do have an edge around being sympathetic when my partner is whining or being pitiful (ok those are totally judgmental words showing my lack of sympathy. ha).  I want to grow in this area and be "softer" and more responsive and loving when my partner is feeling small. Two, at a certain point a few months before we broke up, he GAVE up and, when we were fighting, he wasn't coming from a place of love and trying to reconnect. He was just fighting, and this felt so painful and crazy-making.

I'm well over the relationship and moved on, but it was good to share these insights with someone who knows us both and is compassionate.

Looking ahead, we talked about some initial guidelines to follow as I am dating and getting closer to someone, to help me discern if they are available and capable of the type of relationship and intimacy I want.  She mentioned that feeling "familiar" is different than feeling "comfortable," and that we can feel a person or situation is familiar when it resembles a situation from childhood, even if that situation carried anxiety or insecurity.  Concrete guidelines I might use to reflect on a new dating relationship might include asking the following questions:

• Can I be myself?  Do I feel comfortable expressing the different parts of who I am?
• Does he want me to "shine"?  Is he excited about, and supportive of, my success and development?
• Does the relationship feel mutual? Is he meeting me in the middle or showing willingness to try?  Is he willing to work with me to meet my needs within the relationship, as well as his own?
• When we "fight" or when he is expressing unhappiness with me or something I did, is there a sense that underneath it all he cares about/loves me and wants to get through the difficulty and return to feeling close?

It feels good to have initial guidelines I can use to back up my own decision-making process, which to be honest, I don't completely trust.  I am afraid of ending up in a painful and loveless relationship for any length of time again.  I don't think I ever could, with the consciousness I have now about how that happened with S - including my coping mechanism of shutting down emotionally, which I think contributed to our being stuck as long as we were.  I still feel some fear and shakiness around it, however, and so appreciate having some concrete "checks and balances."

EOL and Dating

My fifth out of six EOL leadership weekends was the best one yet in terms of the experience of being there and how I feel coming out of it.  One remarkable thing that happened was that I asked one of the men for feedback on when I shared the vulnerable experience with the whole group the prior weekend.  I had felt very raw coming out of that and realized that I needed to receive reflection and reassurance that what I shared would be honored and held with care.  I received all that and more, including his perception that all the men in the circle were tuned in to what I was saying and trying to hold space for me, and that what I shared mirrored a thread of what they had shared in the men's circle.  It was a truly wonderful and generous conversation and met all my needs for reassurance and care.  I feel so grateful.

Another significant insight was that I often feel the need to be "on" in my life and am scanning everyone looking for a connection.  This is exhausting, as is working to have everyone - including all my students - like me.  Not everyone will like me!  And I don't need to connect with everyone as I move through my day or walk across campus.  No wonder I come home from work and need to crash!  So my intention is to, as corny as it may sound, befriend myself and let myself off the hook to some degree.  I want to be my authentic self, and that includes being "on" at times and tuned in to my students, being playful, as well as being more quiet and inward at times - taking opportunities to be alone and "recharge" my energy.

On a lighter note, we also crawled, skipped, galloped and ran all around the property in our pod groups acting like various species of animals exploring nature.  It was silly and playful and there was lots of laughter.  At one point, we crashed in the grass of the meadow and exclaimed that being an animal was exhausting!  For the rest of the time, we just made animal sounds from a reclining position, including those of fish and sharks.  I am definitely feeling comfortable and a sense of trust with the "village" now that is really wonderful.

In ongoing dating adventures, I let the last guy I went on a date with know that I didn't feel there was quite enough attraction there to continue seeing each other romantically.  Not surprisingly, he wasn't interested in the friends track.  I have also been emailing with a couple other guys, both of whom seem more attractive and interesting to me.  I will likely talk to one of them on the phone today or tomorrow afternoon.  He suggested we talk on the phone after I asked him a couple questions about something he wrote in his profile about "8-hour parties," attending Burning Man, and being bohemian, as well as having a more regular Joe side.  I happen to know he works in strategic planning/public policy and is not a total flake, but I'm not sure what he means when he says these things... he recently went to a wedding in LA and said his group of friends hung out by the pool talking and did some dancing, so it didn't sound too crazy.  You just never know here in the Bay Area. :) I'll let you know what I find out and whether we end up meeting this Sunday.  He also surfs, which I find trés sexy...

The second guy is very cute, has a Ph.D. focusing in part on psychology, describes himself as athletic... and, comes with his own issue of possible concern: He says he has food/other allergies and gets migraines on a regular basis which somewhat limit his activities.  Kudos to him for being up front about it, but it's a little worrisome to know from the start that your partner is limited in the activities they can participate in with you.  He said in his profile that he would encourage his girlfriend to go do things with friends, but companionship in life - including in social and cultural activities - are a big part of the fun of relationship for me.  So, I also look forward to learning more about this topic when he and I meet next Wednesday.

Other than that, just generally enjoying Spring Break this week and the gorgeous weather we're having!  Hope you all are having a good week, too.

Epiphanies

This Ecology of Leadership program is turning out to be as much, if not more, about inner growth as it is about our projects in the outer world.  I want to share my accomplishments so far, but especially want to share a very recent and significantly healing epiphany I had last week related to my reproductive past and future.

Working within the structure of the monthly weekend intensives - I had my fourth one last weekend - our monthly "buddy" pairings, and our regional program "Pods" that meet a couple times a month, I've had many accomplishments, including:

• Clarity and planning around my goal of forming a Social Change Theatre Troupe
• Integrating new routines of "Sit Spots" - sitting out in nature for 15 minutes, five days a week - and regular journaling into my life.  I've journaled before but had slacked on it for a while.
• Having surgery and relying on community, including EOL friends, to support me.
• Lots and lots and lots of self reflection and visioning, focusing on six chosen areas of my life, including drawing complex and evocative "mind maps" of my visions in these areas.
• Supporting a couple dozen other people - of diverse ages, genders, and cultures - in the process, and opening up to let them support me.
• From an ecological perspective, focusing on healing blocks in the "roots" of my inner life and unconscious, so that the "canopy" of what I show and achieve the world can be full and thriving.  Various processes around this over the weekend intensives and individual work in between.

To the last point, I had a huge shift, or epiphany, in this last week!

As background: Going into last weekend in Bolinas (the place where we meet is gorgeous and very special - used to be the site of Native American ceremonies and includes gardens, meadows, hills, beautiful trees and forest areas, and a short walk to cliffs and beaches of the ocean), I had experienced a revelation around my theatre project.  Reflecting on my vision and needs coming up around it, as well as just how long I had held this deep longing to be part of a troupe, I realized that most of my vision was directly carried over from a theatre troupe I auditioned for and desperately wanted to join a couple of decades ago.  Even though I knew they were specifically looking for men of color, I took it personally when I was not accepted and was devastated.  I just knew they would see my passion and abilities and welcome me into the group.  It was not to be.

In any case, I think I was looking for control around something I had not a lot of control over, and I took up this longing for a troupe and carried it with me.  I have done many theatre projects and collaborations in the non-profit, community, and activist sectors but haven't managed to form an ongoing troupe, which felt like a failure.  What I realized is that I am already getting a lot of the needs met that I hoped to meet through the troupe "right now" through my InterPlay and dance groups!  These include creative expression and collaboration within a "sacred space" or space of exploration and acceptance.  And community is coming in other ways, too, through EOL and InterPlay, so the main desire I have and that might be met through the troupe is regular creative contribution; producing educational/outreach performances and self/community development workshops that make a positive difference for individuals and the community.  I've never had this level of clarity AND I have a partner in this endeavor who is totally on the same page, my friend K.  I didn't mean to get that detailed about the theatre project but it IS a big deal for me. :) So back to the weekend....

I came with that insight, expecting a lot of focus on our projects, but instead we dove into women's and men's experiences and issues.  We divided into two groups by gender and talked about our feelings and experiences around men and being a woman in this culture.  Not a small topic.  Lot's of very deep sharing, crying, bonding, supporting.

During this experience, I shared about my abortion two decades ago when I was involved with an ex who was unavailable.  I shared about that on this blog before and reconnecting with this guy three years ago or so.  So, I knew that was a deeply wounding experience for me, and I tried to work through residual pain in various ways over the years - writing letters to my unborn child, crying, getting angry, talking to the guy about it and how it affected me, etc.

But there was more there.  The emotions were combined with a cognitive aspect, as well.  I realized through talking about it in the healing container of the women's circle and in three emotional conversations since - in the larger group, with my housemate, and with my "buddy" - that not feeling like I had choice in that situation contributed to the energy I brought to trying to have a child on my own.

* As a caveat, I absolutely know that having a child as Single Mother by Choice is a wonderful and valid choice, so it's not about the validity of that, it's a very personal realization that I brought energy and compulsion to it based on the lack of choice I felt I had back then around the abortion.

At the time, I wasn't able to hold a space for myself to reflect and consider all options, and he, who was several years older, was not able to hold that space for me or himself either.  He was driven by his own fear and desire for self-preservation and immediately shifted into convincing me that an abortion was the only valid choice.  And I, unfortunately, was addicted to him and his love and approval of me and couldn't say no, hold on here, I need to think about this, maybe see a counselor.

That's not entirely true... For a short time when I first found out, I do remember considering and telling him that I could go live with my birth mother's family in Oregon (I was pretty sure my immediate family would disapprove and likely reject me), but he argued against that.  I couldn't imagine myself, a recent college graduate at 22/23 years old, raising the child on my own and couldn't imagine losing him either.  I have thought so many times that I wish I could go back and make another choice, but that's coming from where I am now.  Now, I am able to hold space for myself.  Now, I am able to raise a child on my own.

So, I feel compassion for myself back then, and I am even finding compassion for him in his immaturity and fear, which, unfortunately, he never really outgrew.  I also feel angry that he couldn't help me - couldn't open up to my needs as well as his own.  But mainly, I just feel incredibly sad that we were both so limited in our capacities.

So the epiphany is that, cognitively and emotionally, I've been letting that experience, in part, drive my decision making around having a child.  I actually don't regret trying, though I might not have tried quite as often or in as many ways.  I don't regret trying these past couple of years with S, though I think it made us stay together longer than we otherwise would have.  If I don't have a biological child, the possibility of which is growing increasingly dim, I might have really regretted not trying.  But I brought a belief that I needed to control this situation; I needed to have a child to heal my past experience, in part to forgive myself for my past and not being able to hold that space to reflect and clearly choose what was right for me.  To take that choice back.  But by bringing these emotions and beliefs along with me, I realize now that I was actually limiting my choices and continuing to be controlled to some degree by that experience.  Does that make sense?

Which brings me to now.  Going forward, I want to let go of this pain and regret, and anger and grief.  I want to forgive myself, and, yes, forgive him, to the best of my ability.  I want to relax and trust myself to hold space for reflection and clear choice.  At this time, I am not on solid ground to pursue having a child on my own.  My finances are not at the level I would like, and my living situation is uncertain as of May or June when my housemate moves in with his fiance.  Plus, I am still immersed in EOL and would like to focus for now on community and relationship.

To end this long and intense post - thank you if you read the whole thing! - I want to share how this epiphany and healing has rolled out in the past few days.  So I had a date on Friday, and a short time into this date (which lacked chemistry to begin with), the guy starts yammering on about having kids and how women around 40 get fixated on that, and then asking when I decided I was not going in that direction of having kids, etc.  OMG, I felt revolted.  I couldn't have felt more clear that we were in completely different developmental stages of our lives.  He was 51 years old, but I know there are guys that age out there, like my housemate and like S, who are interested and open to having a child or another child.  Other things this guy said showed how insular and closed minded he was, like when he goes out in nature he can't wait to get back home.  I could not get out of there fast enough.  I went home and changed my profile to be MUCH MORE CLEAR that I am interested in having a family in some way and that I would like to meet someone who is similarly open.

I will also say that the door is open to pursuing becoming an SMC again in the future, when life circumstances change.

So this epiphany, rather than closing me off to having a family, seems to have empowered me and brought more confidence, clarity, and choice about how and when, and in what circumstance, I move forward.  Feeling so grateful for this healing process and it's impact on my life.  Would love to hear your comments, thoughts, and experiences...

I survived...

... my orphan Thanksgiving.  ha  It actually wasn't too bad.  A friend of a friend hosted and she was a cool person - an aspiring stand-up comedian with depth - and I enjoyed talking with her about both comedy and my theatre activities before everyone arrived.  Yes, unfortunately I was the first to arrive, but in my defense, it was a half an hour after the start time. 

In any case, when the other people did arrive, they were interesting and easy-to-talk-with... and they brought some delicious food!  I bowed out about three hours in, prior to the games portion of the evening, thinking I should get home to Zoey (but equally because my introvert was tired out).  I talked to S for quite another lengthy and productive conversation earlier in the day, on his way to his dad's, and my brother later in the afternoon.  So, all in all, it wasn't too tragic and lonely.

Today, I had a phone appointment with my counselor, then met with S for lunch.   I'm not sure what to say about everything right now... Suffice to say, we have been able to talk through things, be more open, and admit to our parts in the relationship problems more readily with a little distance, I guess. 

On my side, I am seeing more clearly a part of me that is cold and hard... it comes out when I am anxious and/or uncomfortable, which I was with S's insecurity and what I judged as "neediness" around communication and attention, for example.  I want to soften this part of me so that I can be more compassionate and available with myself and my partner. 

S really appreciated being heard around some things, including that he felt I expected a lot of one-way support when I was focused on other things, like family or work conferences etc. but then hadn't seemed willing to give "care and repair" to the relationship afterwards.  He was able to hear that my anxiety and need to prove that I am "okay" can block my ability to engage and be sensitive/caring at these times - that it wasn't about him, as he kept thinking.  This is just one example of many of these types of insights, which feel like a relief to share with one another.

Going forward, we are still broken up and will be communicating less for a while - we said we would not talk or email for the next week, then check in at that point.  He feels like he will get more traction on his anger (and underlying fear) issues working on his own, and that he needs to do this in order to be available for a healthy relationship.  As mentioned, I want to work on softening this cold part of myself that can be so judgmental and distancing. 

Heading in to the lunch today, I wanted to get a sense of whether we both had some level of hope that we might work through our thorniest problems, opening the door to be together down the line.  Somewhat surprisingly, we both said we did have this hope.  He mentioned two or three months as a possible timeline in his mind. 

While I feel happy about this, I also feel unwilling to put my life on hold during this time.  He made the choice to break up, and there are no guarantees as to what will happen.  So, I am thinking - and told him - that I am going to date or at least be open to meeting other people.  Perhaps this experience will help me feel more sure about my eventual commitment to S.  I will say that I have felt more chemistry and closeness with him, since we have been broken up, which could be just due to relief from the conflict/anger cycle and a feeling of "being on the same page"... and could also be partly due to my going off supplements, including DHEA.

So that's my complicated report.  This weekend, I don't have much planned except for dancing on Sunday.  I'm going to try and get a few things done tomorrow but will also need to get the heck out of the house for a while - maybe I'll go see a movie.  I hope you all had a happy Thanksgiving and enjoy this weekend, as well.

Killer Convergence and more...

Back from the Convergence last night... It went smashingly!  Over three hundred people, kickass keynote speakers - the best of them our founder, Rob Hopkins - and my opening circle exercises Saturday morning went really well.  Practicing does pay off!  I must have run through those activities 20 times in the few days before the event.  lol  Not everyone was up and ready to go at 9am but we had over a third of the people there or more, and I'm glad to have the facilitation experience with a larger crowd and with using a headset mic and collaborating with others who did an activity after me, as well.

S's panel on Climate Change activism went great, too, and he was very pleased with the number of folks who showed up.   He's a total picture guy and is always posting on FB, so he was frustrated with me for not thinking to take a picture during his panel... especially since he took an awesome picture of me during my opening circle.  Whoops.   Oh well, I think he forgave me.

We did get into another fight on Saturday evening but were able to take a timeout and not escalate.  We are continuing to figure things out with expectations/resentment/conflict/judgment, etc.  I guess things don't turn on a dime, just because you become more clear you have a problem.  Looking forward to going together to a movie Wednesday and having drinks afterwards, though I suppose I should stick to a Shirley Temple!

By the end of the weekend, my introvert side was ready to chill out and recoup, and luckily I was able to have that space when I got back.  I did go shopping and run some errands in the afternoon but have been mostly home.  Oh, and one organization represented at the Convergence does what they called "The Ecology of Leadership" training, and I completed their application today.  I really want to do it!  I feel blocked around pursuing a couple of my biggest goals - co-forming a Social Change Performing Arts Troupe, and joining an intentional community - plus I can see how I sabotage my professional reputation and relationships sometimes by letting anxiety control my decisions.  This training emphasizes learning in community and mutually supporting one another, and we would be meeting one weekend a month for the next six months.  I'm working on getting sponsorship assistance with the fee, so fingers crossed!

About ttc... no big signs.  Maybe a little breast soreness.  I'm at 10 dpo.  Yesterday, my temperature took a three-tenths dip but was back up today at 98.04.  It was a bit colder there, even in the hotel room, so that may have contributed.  I do think we timed the IUI perfectly, and S and a BD'd the night following to fully cover our bases.  I will keep you posted.  I have another acupuncture appointment tomorrow and need to get some more Chinese herb supplements.

Test Results and Developing My Inner Director

I started my cycle on the bus trip back from San Luis Obis.po.  Woo hoo!  Not.  But actually I'm glad to get things going.  Even though I'm not cycling this month, I'm getting tests done and beginning to gear up for my appointment on the 15th.  It feels like the action is picking up.  I think my tests came out pretty good.  What do you think (see below)?  Anyone know why she wanted LH tested at the beginning of the cycle?

I've heard different opinions about whether having a lower FSH matters when you've had a higher one.  One school of thought says you're overall picture is only as good as your worst FSH result, or something like that.  Whereas, I've also read about a lower FSH result (relative to other results you've received) indicating that your reproductive system is functioning better or something, and it seems like I read about doctors looking for a relatively lower FSH to go forward with an IVF cycle.  Am I hallucinating?  In any case, I'm glad my FSH hasn't gone up (my highest FSH was around 10).

On another note, I've been feeling out of sorts and mentally disorganized since I got back.  Maybe in part because of the somewhat disturbing experience I mentioned in the last post, but also I think that even though the trip was quick, it was intense and I saw several old friends in a short time.  I hadn't been back to SLO since moving to the Bay A.rea about two and a quarter years ago, though I'd seen my friend M, who got married, a couple of times since then (some of you might remember when S and I met her and the lech at the Mont.erey Aquar.ium last year).  The time with friends felt warm and connected, and we reminisced about old times.  But I have to remember that the reality of living there day-to-day was not nearly as connected.  I lived alone and spent most days working and coming home to an empty house.

I actually think it's a good thing that I've been shaken out of my routine groove.  It's kind of spurring me to think about changes I'd like to make, such as limiting my TV watching to a couple shows a day (I've been watching three or four).  Not that there is anything wrong with TV watching; I just feel like maybe I'm using it as a safety blanket and it could be holding me back a bit.

My housemate is in Ireland for two weeks.  Lucky him, right?  And lucky me too, to a lesser extent, because I get the house to myself.  I want to really enjoy this last stretch of summer and also do some creative and fun activities.  This requires me to use the "Director" part of my brain to design some structure.  I want to block out time for work (my new part-time job and new career counseling client), creativity (choreography and/or gathering people to do social change theatre), play and exercise (yoga and maybe a partner dance class), and exploration (spirituality, family, community).  We'll see how it goes...

Component	Your result	Standard range	Units
FSH	8.0		mIU/mL

Component	Your result	Standard range	Units
Estradiol	56		pg/mL

Component	Your result	Standard range	Units
LH	2.8		mIU/mL