Active versus Passive

Well, I have really enjoyed following many blogs over this past year or more - mainly on the topic of becoming a single mother by choice, but also infertility, trying to conceive, parenting, and some other more generally insightful blogs. It's been really wonderful and engaging, actually, following others' journeys - commenting when I felt called - but mainly passively reading along as they shared their insights, feelings, accomplishments. Cheering them on from the sidelines, waiting with them in suspense, or grieving when things went awry.

But I guess I feel like it's time for me to jump in the game and take a more active role in the blogging world. When you find yourself checking your favorite blogs over and over and saying out loud, "Come ON people, post something!" it might be indicate the need for action. I want to share my own journey and maybe others' will relate to my posts (and I hope share their thoughts), as I have related to so many folks, but regardless, I know this will help me to track the steps I take and to have record of my own insights, feelings, and accomplishments.

I guess I will share a little about my journey and what I THINK this blog will be about. . .I just turned 42. I always envisioned that I would get married and become a mother someday - probably in my late 20s. Weeell, that hasn't happened yet. I had a few solid, significant relationships but for a variety of reasons I struggled to maintain any of them over a year or two. A 12-step-program (relationship focused) and another rocky relationship later, I was in my mid-30's and starting to consider the possibility of getting pregnant on my own.

As so many women I know in the blogosphere did, I researched and read and joined listservs and thought a lot about my dreams and what I could and couldn't sacrifice, what I was capable of handling, what steps I was willing to take. I was encouraged by reading about others' courageous stories. I tried a couple more forays into the dating world, which were short-lived and overly focused on their capacity and interest in fatherhood (I realize now that no one wants to be seen through baby-colored glasses, versus as an individual, which is all I could seem to manage). And finally, I took the plunge and got the tests, started temping, saw an ob-gyn, went through the intensive process of choosing a donor (unlike many people, I found that process challenging but FUN - I actually got to choose! felt like I had some control where I had felt very little in the past), and then had two back to back IUIs, neither of which worked.

As anyone who has been through this knows, this can be a real emotional roller coaster. so financially and emotionally I needed to take a break and I had another short-lived relationship, as well, before returning to the process the following year and having another two back-to-back IUIs (medicated with Femara), this time with a different donor, neither of which, again, worked. Devastating.

Then shortly after, in mid-2009, the organization I was working for lost funding and closed, leaving me without a job. When I found another one at the beginning of 2010 and moved to the Bay Area, they didn't offer insurance for six months. Just when I reached the six month mark and I was about to start ttc again, due to personality differences (and a bit of a set-up) with my supervisor, in addition to it not being a great fit for me, that job fell through.

This is becoming what feels like a novel! I didn't know I had so much to say. I will continue this later in installment 2. If you have read this, welcome! I plan to share about living authentically through career and community, as well!

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