Emotional Processing Continues. . .

I finally had a post-email conversation with R yesterday, but it has me a bit perplexed.  He never did respond directly to my email and admitted he felt overwhelmed after reading it.  But we talked yesterday about some aspects. . .

I became clear that he is interested in becoming friends again and getting to know me now to see whether we have that heart and soul connection we felt back then.  It seems that we both have thought of our time together over the years and perceived it as unique and special, especially considering that neither of us having experienced that level of connection in other relationships.  

But I recognize, and I think he does too, that the circumstances back then invited intensity and impacted the parameters within which we could know each other.  In a way, we don't truly know each other, at least not the more mundane everyday versions of each other.  Not to mention that we have both grown and changed over the years in ways neither of us really knows at this point, if that makes sense.  

I guess I'm feeling perplexed because I'm not ready to go there yet, even though part of me would like to.  I still have unresolved feelings about the way the decision was made regarding the abor.tion so many years ago and the roller coaster nature of our involvement, which left me with feelings of anger and resentment.


Some of those feelings are lessening just in the conversations we have had so far and the responsibility he has taken, the acknowledgment of self-centered attitudes at the time.  But another piece I need to talk to him about relates to the circumstances in which I would have probably chosen to have the child.  

I think if he would have said that he would help me and support me, I would have seriously considered it.  Because - and I know this isn't "mature" or an ideal way of thinking - but at the time I likely would have thought about the fact that I was in love with him and the baby was part of him and it would have been a bond between us.   

In a way, looking back, a small part of me felt like he abandoned me, like we created something together and then he pushed it away and didn’t want anything to do with it.  And that felt like a rejection of being with me as well as a rejection of the pregnancy.  

I want to ask him:  What do you feel when you hear that?  Have you felt any regrets about that decision?  Why or why not?  have you ever thought about what would have happened or what it would have been like if we had the baby?  Why did you never even consider it?  I pretty much know why but I need to hear it.

Additional perplexity = his current cohabitation with another woman.  Interestingly, as I was writing this he emailed and mentioned he is moving out, so more shall be revealed on that front.

So yeah, lots of heavy stuff.  But somehow I feel like working through this will help reveal my current pathway to motherhood, whatever that may turn out to be.  And a very old pain in my heart may just be healed.