Gift from the Past

I am checking in to say that I had the craziest experience the last couple days in which the man who was probably the most formative early relationship of my life, contacted me on Link.ed In and ended up calling me this morning for an hour and a half phone call.  I am still in some disbelief. . .

A little back story:  I'm not proud of the fact that he was married when we were together.  My only excuse is that I was 23 and naive enough to believe that if you felt the intense feelings we felt for one another, then it was destined, it was "meant to be."  I fell head over heels and stayed there for a couple of intense years. . .

Regardless of the dysfunction and uncertainty, not to mention the ethical issues, I realized today that my relationship with him was the only one in which I was completely unrestrained in my love - very risky, but I was definitely not one foot out the door, which can't be said for many of my other relationships since then.

The true kicker in the story though, considering that I am now so very much wanting to be a mother, is that I became pregnant with him very early on and had an abor.tion, a fact that has troubled me deeply off and on ever since.  I believe in choice for women, yet based on my experience I truly believe in counseling about the potential emotional impacts of the decision.

In any case, when I found out I was pregnant, this man who I'll call "R" immediately began advocating to end it and made very clear this was the only choice he would consider.

For my part, I was so in love with him and I would say disconnected from my self, I couldn't imagine going against what he wanted and risk losing him.  I wish I would have been a stronger person.  I wish I would have had the guts to say, "You know what, I am not sure what I want, but I'm going to take some time to think about it.  And it is MY decision."  But I wasn't and I didn't.

So, basically I've had some complicated grief around that decision and when R contacted me, I knew that I wanted to talk to him about it.  So that's what we did this morning.  Along with talking about a lot of other things that happened back then and catching up on our lives since (he and his wife divorced several years ago), we got a good start on what is a long overdue emotional dialogue.

And you know what?  He was there.  He was not defensive, was completely supportive, and agreed that he was selfish and acting on his own interest.  He apologized.  He said he has thought a lot about it and felt badly.  And whatever happens from here, that is a true gift.