Too Much Emotion

Feeling emotional today for a variety of reasons, I think.  I am in the oh-so-lovely feminine time of moodiness (at least for me) in which every emotion seems inflated to twice it's normal size.  

Then of course, the dialogue with R continues.  I wrote him an email yesterday and sent it in its' unfiltered state, then woke up this morning with "email regret."  I think I said things from an emotional place and in some cases they were more extreme than reality.  For example, this lovely gem just popped right out:

"(I know this is COMPLETELY irrational and I don't really believe it but there's this childish wounded part of me that thinks that YOU OWE ME A BABY.  I know, I know, crazy talk.  But you have THREE KIDS and now you are having grandkids and I'm happy for you.  but I'm sad for me.  because that never happened for me (at least not yet) and I really wanted and still want it to.  anyway, yes, more there.)"

Yikes!  That is actually true, that this wounded part of me feels that, but did I really want to tell him that?  Apparently in that moment, I did.  Part of the lead up to this email was him revealing to me, which he had not done up to that point, that he is actually in a relationship right now.  I knew he was living with someone but didn't think they were in a relationship.  

So after I got off the phone, I texted that I was feeling some anger and sadness and wasn't clear exactly why.  He encouraged me to write an email and really 'let go,' that he was there to listen, that he had a sense I had more to say.  So I did (and part of the email addressed learning about his relationship and how that brought up feelings from the past and a dynamic I do not want to reexperience) but now I wonder whether filters have their purpose. . .another thing I wrote:

"Maybe part of this is anger at being in that position for so long so many years ago and your LACK OF ABILITY TO MAKE A DECISION which drove me COMPLETELY INSANE after a while.  I should have gotten off the crazy roller coaster but apparently I COULDN'T MAKE THAT DECISION - I was like a pit bull when it's jaw locks or something, I couldn't let go.  But I think after going through it enough times, that deep down I was PISSED OFF at you and that some of the love I had for you was crushed.  and I think also that maybe I lost some respect for you or questioned your character (which was a direct reflection of my own character) and also, maybe, there was some uncertainty about us making it in the long run.  maybe because there was so much pressure on it - if you LEAVE YOUR MARRIAGE  for our relationship then it had better be perfect!!! you know?  and I AM NOT PERFECT.  AND YOU ARE NOT PERFECT. AND IT WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN PERFECT (actually I don't even WANT perfect).  Would it have been 'good enough' to last? would our love and attraction have had sustaining power?  We are different. . ."

In looking at this now, I'm feeling embarrassed about the level of anger, but I guess there's no hiding it, I have anger about what happened.  I went on to talk a little about differences and say who knows whether we would have gone the distance or not, that we had a lot of love/attraction but we would have had challenges (like any relationship does).  

But I feel like in this section I was trying to explain the doubts I had when it came down to the reality that we might actually be together, that he might choose to be with me.  But I don't really know (did I mention this all happened 15-20 years ago?).  I have theories but at some level I'm just guessing.  It may have been my fear of intimacy.  It may have been resentment and lack of trust.  It may have been we had gotten to know each other better and I wasn't as sure he was the one for me.  Who knows?  

So if I didn't really know, I guess I wish I wouldn't have put all that out there.  The perfection part. . .well I'm glad that part got said.  Because even now, I think he has a fantasy about me that I'm perfect or our love was ideal and clearly that's not true (though part of me idealizes what we felt for each other, as well).  And I need to accept him for who he really is, warts and all.  Whether we remain in contact or not, I think this is a good thing to do.

So PMS, all kinds of feelings around wrestling with the past with this man who really had a huge impact on my life. . . and then the final thing adding to my emotion today (like that wouldn't be enough haha) is a post I read this morning about a fellow blogger's process of wrestling with her own feelings about God and the idea of people being blessed or chosen to have a child.  


I have much compassion and understanding for her feelings, but one thing she said felt like a needle poking a wound.  She said the phrase "women who choose to abor.t" or something like that.  More than once.  And whether it was true or projected on my part, I felt some judgment in the way it was communicated. :(  ack  


I have shared how much I've wrestled with this decision over the years and continue to do so even in this very moment.  And this felt awful to read right now.  

But I know I'm overly sensitive at this point so I am going to try and accept and love myself, accept and love this person, and accept, love (and forgive, which is the ultimate goal) R, for whom I continue to feel much gratitude for engaging in this dialogue in the first place.