Emotional Processing Continues. . .

I finally had a post-email conversation with R yesterday, but it has me a bit perplexed.  He never did respond directly to my email and admitted he felt overwhelmed after reading it.  But we talked yesterday about some aspects. . .

I became clear that he is interested in becoming friends again and getting to know me now to see whether we have that heart and soul connection we felt back then.  It seems that we both have thought of our time together over the years and perceived it as unique and special, especially considering that neither of us having experienced that level of connection in other relationships.  

But I recognize, and I think he does too, that the circumstances back then invited intensity and impacted the parameters within which we could know each other.  In a way, we don't truly know each other, at least not the more mundane everyday versions of each other.  Not to mention that we have both grown and changed over the years in ways neither of us really knows at this point, if that makes sense.  

I guess I'm feeling perplexed because I'm not ready to go there yet, even though part of me would like to.  I still have unresolved feelings about the way the decision was made regarding the abor.tion so many years ago and the roller coaster nature of our involvement, which left me with feelings of anger and resentment.


Some of those feelings are lessening just in the conversations we have had so far and the responsibility he has taken, the acknowledgment of self-centered attitudes at the time.  But another piece I need to talk to him about relates to the circumstances in which I would have probably chosen to have the child.  

I think if he would have said that he would help me and support me, I would have seriously considered it.  Because - and I know this isn't "mature" or an ideal way of thinking - but at the time I likely would have thought about the fact that I was in love with him and the baby was part of him and it would have been a bond between us.   

In a way, looking back, a small part of me felt like he abandoned me, like we created something together and then he pushed it away and didn’t want anything to do with it.  And that felt like a rejection of being with me as well as a rejection of the pregnancy.  

I want to ask him:  What do you feel when you hear that?  Have you felt any regrets about that decision?  Why or why not?  have you ever thought about what would have happened or what it would have been like if we had the baby?  Why did you never even consider it?  I pretty much know why but I need to hear it.

Additional perplexity = his current cohabitation with another woman.  Interestingly, as I was writing this he emailed and mentioned he is moving out, so more shall be revealed on that front.

So yeah, lots of heavy stuff.  But somehow I feel like working through this will help reveal my current pathway to motherhood, whatever that may turn out to be.  And a very old pain in my heart may just be healed.

Too Much Emotion

Feeling emotional today for a variety of reasons, I think.  I am in the oh-so-lovely feminine time of moodiness (at least for me) in which every emotion seems inflated to twice it's normal size.  

Then of course, the dialogue with R continues.  I wrote him an email yesterday and sent it in its' unfiltered state, then woke up this morning with "email regret."  I think I said things from an emotional place and in some cases they were more extreme than reality.  For example, this lovely gem just popped right out:

"(I know this is COMPLETELY irrational and I don't really believe it but there's this childish wounded part of me that thinks that YOU OWE ME A BABY.  I know, I know, crazy talk.  But you have THREE KIDS and now you are having grandkids and I'm happy for you.  but I'm sad for me.  because that never happened for me (at least not yet) and I really wanted and still want it to.  anyway, yes, more there.)"

Yikes!  That is actually true, that this wounded part of me feels that, but did I really want to tell him that?  Apparently in that moment, I did.  Part of the lead up to this email was him revealing to me, which he had not done up to that point, that he is actually in a relationship right now.  I knew he was living with someone but didn't think they were in a relationship.  

So after I got off the phone, I texted that I was feeling some anger and sadness and wasn't clear exactly why.  He encouraged me to write an email and really 'let go,' that he was there to listen, that he had a sense I had more to say.  So I did (and part of the email addressed learning about his relationship and how that brought up feelings from the past and a dynamic I do not want to reexperience) but now I wonder whether filters have their purpose. . .another thing I wrote:

"Maybe part of this is anger at being in that position for so long so many years ago and your LACK OF ABILITY TO MAKE A DECISION which drove me COMPLETELY INSANE after a while.  I should have gotten off the crazy roller coaster but apparently I COULDN'T MAKE THAT DECISION - I was like a pit bull when it's jaw locks or something, I couldn't let go.  But I think after going through it enough times, that deep down I was PISSED OFF at you and that some of the love I had for you was crushed.  and I think also that maybe I lost some respect for you or questioned your character (which was a direct reflection of my own character) and also, maybe, there was some uncertainty about us making it in the long run.  maybe because there was so much pressure on it - if you LEAVE YOUR MARRIAGE  for our relationship then it had better be perfect!!! you know?  and I AM NOT PERFECT.  AND YOU ARE NOT PERFECT. AND IT WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN PERFECT (actually I don't even WANT perfect).  Would it have been 'good enough' to last? would our love and attraction have had sustaining power?  We are different. . ."

In looking at this now, I'm feeling embarrassed about the level of anger, but I guess there's no hiding it, I have anger about what happened.  I went on to talk a little about differences and say who knows whether we would have gone the distance or not, that we had a lot of love/attraction but we would have had challenges (like any relationship does).  

But I feel like in this section I was trying to explain the doubts I had when it came down to the reality that we might actually be together, that he might choose to be with me.  But I don't really know (did I mention this all happened 15-20 years ago?).  I have theories but at some level I'm just guessing.  It may have been my fear of intimacy.  It may have been resentment and lack of trust.  It may have been we had gotten to know each other better and I wasn't as sure he was the one for me.  Who knows?  

So if I didn't really know, I guess I wish I wouldn't have put all that out there.  The perfection part. . .well I'm glad that part got said.  Because even now, I think he has a fantasy about me that I'm perfect or our love was ideal and clearly that's not true (though part of me idealizes what we felt for each other, as well).  And I need to accept him for who he really is, warts and all.  Whether we remain in contact or not, I think this is a good thing to do.

So PMS, all kinds of feelings around wrestling with the past with this man who really had a huge impact on my life. . . and then the final thing adding to my emotion today (like that wouldn't be enough haha) is a post I read this morning about a fellow blogger's process of wrestling with her own feelings about God and the idea of people being blessed or chosen to have a child.  


I have much compassion and understanding for her feelings, but one thing she said felt like a needle poking a wound.  She said the phrase "women who choose to abor.t" or something like that.  More than once.  And whether it was true or projected on my part, I felt some judgment in the way it was communicated. :(  ack  


I have shared how much I've wrestled with this decision over the years and continue to do so even in this very moment.  And this felt awful to read right now.  

But I know I'm overly sensitive at this point so I am going to try and accept and love myself, accept and love this person, and accept, love (and forgive, which is the ultimate goal) R, for whom I continue to feel much gratitude for engaging in this dialogue in the first place.