Quick request for regular readers - if you're willing, will you become a member of my blog? :) My number has been stuck at 29 for ages... Thank you!
This post will mainly be a downer report of recent events but also include some excitement and hope for the future.
First downer event: I was informed on Thursday that I will not receive counseling assignments at my college for Spring semester. WTF?! Complete shock and awe. Commence disbelief, questioning, hurt, and tears. Talked it over with a couple of other part-time counselors, and they were in shock, as well. In retrospect, I think there was a policy change that initiated at the beginning of this semester. The only clues about this change were part-timers not being inviting to the annual retreat and there being a couple of meetings to which part-timers were not invited. Just prior to learning about this development, I realized that our important orientation/education planning classes were only assigned to full-timers for the Spring, and all the other classes were only assigned to full-timers, as well.
I have worked at the college for several years and increased my responsibility over that time. When CTE counseling was shut down two and half years ago, I was really concerned about my job, but since then, I've worked hard to integrate into general counseling and feel proud of my efforts to serve students and teach several college success and orientation courses. I *never* have empty appointments, and my understanding was that we need more counselors, not less. To my knowledge, I have made no big mistakes or pissed any key people off. So WTF?! Again, my only guess is that it's policy regarding part-time/full-time that I don't fully understand yet, and something with the budget (errors in planning made at a higher level).
Since finding out this news, I have basically come to terms with the reality of what this means and have shifted into coping with it and planning how to replace that income - at least to the extent that I can get by - for Spring. Two hopeful possibilities in this regard: an interview for a full-time position at another local college on December first. I think I have shared how much competition there is for these positions but fingers crossed. The other possibility, which is the one I would prefer, is signing on several new clients. I have already signed on two more, for a total of three. I would like to find four or five more in the next two months. Will you envision that for me?
Positive actions so far include hosting a great career transition Meetup group last Tuesday during which four women signed up for consultations! I am realizing I need to actually get them in the calendar if at all possible before leaving because now we are playing tag to set them up. But signing one or two clients from that group would be wonderful! I am also following up with close friends and colleagues to generate more referrals, which is the best source of potential clients. Lastly, I am taking steps to increase my online presence and find opportunities to speak to introverts who are seeking meaningful career change and want to make a difference doing work that feels like play.
I have support through my business program, which is great. If you or someone you know needs career counseling support, will you please let me know in the comments or by sending a message? You can also contact me through my website (and receive a free gift of a Career Clarity Questionnaire) on my website at www.helpnavigatingtransitions.com And all good thoughts very welcome. This could be the shove I need to expand my business...
The other downer news is that I was late to the adoption orientation and they had locked the doors and were turning people away. I was sad and disappointed, but I also see that the timing was likely not right for me. My intention is to attend the orientation in December, knowing that once I start the process it will likely be a minimum of several months before I complete the home study and am offered a placement.
Okay, I'm going to end on the excitement and hope! I'm excited to go to S's dad's house for Thanksgiving this week. We are staying in a dog-friendly hotel that night, and I'm looking forward to time away. Also, though it's more in the future, I continue to look forward to Christmas in Oregon. And in the weeks before that, I will also celebrate my birthday and attend S's company Christmas party, which will be festive and fun! S is buying me a special dress for my birthday, and we plan to shop for our niece and nephew's gifts together.
Finally, though S and I have had some difficult conversations lately and our old dynamic has reared it's head, we have also managed to talk through it so far and experience a new level of intimacy. We will be meeting with our counselor next weekend for help with healing more of our underlying "stuff" around this dynamic and developing communication agreements for when it comes up. I am feeling hopeful!
Showing posts with label relationship counseling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationship counseling. Show all posts
6/19/2014
Another dating wave...
Dating Report:
I am having another wave of dating at the moment... went out for dinner and wine Monday night with a very nice high school acting teacher. He looked cute in his profile but the pictures were angled such that I couldn't see his build. I may have mentioned I prefer conscious, intelligent lumberjack types - partly because I'm a solid gal myself. :) Anyway, when we met, I noticed he had a smaller build, which lessened the attraction. * Sidenote: As anyone who had online dated can attest, these small disappointments are commonplace, as of course we are all going to put our most flattering photos online or perhaps have photos that don't fully show how we look, and human nature is to project what we want to see.
But he was really nice and warm and interesting, so we had a lovely conversation with good connection, laughing, and some flirting, as well. It's one of those situation where I could talk myself into pushing forward, even though the attraction is not quite there, but I don't want to put myself or him through the place where that strategy has led me in the past. Sooo, even though we indicated we would see each other again, and I know I would have a good time if a did, I'm thinking probably no. What do you think?
There are a couple other men I have been communicating with and will likely meet with soon. One guy seems really interesting in terms of his art and activism work in SF, but initially I did not see much depth in his profile. Strangely, a few months later, his profile now seems to have more depth. I think when I initially read his profile, he had recently ended a relationship and was in a not-so-great place so maybe he is more open now. In any case, I'm more excited to meet him now and will probably have a coffee date in the next week or so if all goes well.
Related to my dating attitude: During a recent coaching session (a guy from my leadership program and I are continuing to co-coach each other), he said something like, "What if there is someone out there who will love you just the way you are, right now." I think this was in response to me sharing how I feel not-so-attractive right now and like I need to lose a few pounds, etc. When he said that, however, it really landed with me and I have been thinking of it periodically ever since. There are people out there like me - skinnier, heavier, more attractive, less attractive - who find people and fall in love. So why not me? Am I so hideous that no one could love me? There are men out there who would love me just as I am. This is very comforting to recognize and sit with.
I guess that's about all for now. I found a possible roommate, so this has expanded my housing search possibilities. More on that later... xo
I am having another wave of dating at the moment... went out for dinner and wine Monday night with a very nice high school acting teacher. He looked cute in his profile but the pictures were angled such that I couldn't see his build. I may have mentioned I prefer conscious, intelligent lumberjack types - partly because I'm a solid gal myself. :) Anyway, when we met, I noticed he had a smaller build, which lessened the attraction. * Sidenote: As anyone who had online dated can attest, these small disappointments are commonplace, as of course we are all going to put our most flattering photos online or perhaps have photos that don't fully show how we look, and human nature is to project what we want to see.
But he was really nice and warm and interesting, so we had a lovely conversation with good connection, laughing, and some flirting, as well. It's one of those situation where I could talk myself into pushing forward, even though the attraction is not quite there, but I don't want to put myself or him through the place where that strategy has led me in the past. Sooo, even though we indicated we would see each other again, and I know I would have a good time if a did, I'm thinking probably no. What do you think?
There are a couple other men I have been communicating with and will likely meet with soon. One guy seems really interesting in terms of his art and activism work in SF, but initially I did not see much depth in his profile. Strangely, a few months later, his profile now seems to have more depth. I think when I initially read his profile, he had recently ended a relationship and was in a not-so-great place so maybe he is more open now. In any case, I'm more excited to meet him now and will probably have a coffee date in the next week or so if all goes well.
Related to my dating attitude: During a recent coaching session (a guy from my leadership program and I are continuing to co-coach each other), he said something like, "What if there is someone out there who will love you just the way you are, right now." I think this was in response to me sharing how I feel not-so-attractive right now and like I need to lose a few pounds, etc. When he said that, however, it really landed with me and I have been thinking of it periodically ever since. There are people out there like me - skinnier, heavier, more attractive, less attractive - who find people and fall in love. So why not me? Am I so hideous that no one could love me? There are men out there who would love me just as I am. This is very comforting to recognize and sit with.
I guess that's about all for now. I found a possible roommate, so this has expanded my housing search possibilities. More on that later... xo
11/01/2013
Halloween and Moving Forward
Thank you for your feedback and support around my and S's difficulties. I really appreciated receiving your comments. We have come back from the brink. In huge news, he has recognized and admitted that he has a lot of anger from childhood (perhaps exacerbated by issues in his marriages), and it comes out in vastly disproportionate ways in our relationship. He is working with our counselor around some acceptance and healing work, which will hopefully lead to having a healthier relationship with the anger and more skill in expressing feelings.
On my side of the aisle, I see that I was the one that opened the door to breaking up by bringing up this possibility in the heat of some of our recent arguments. In the moment, I felt completely overwhelmed and part of me DID want to get away from him, but in the big picture, it's not what I want. So, I'm instituting a self-imposed moratorium on break-up language, and am also working to be more present when conflict comes up, versus deflecting it or getting defensive. I get scared this means I'll be trampled on but am trying to remember being present doesn't mean being a doormat. Ideally, I want to be present for both myself AND for him - trying to acknowledge his experience, while not taking in the shame part.
Enough of the super heavy and deep stuff for this post. We had a fun Halloween evening! I raced home from work but still missed most of the trick-or-treaters, I think. :( I handed out candy to a few groups, including one gaggle of teens, just as we were leaving. For some reason, the teens were endearing to me, and I was glad to end the candy-giving time with them. Then, we went out for Halloween drinks and had some enjoyable conversation about the deep stuff going on with him and with us. We came back to my place afterwards and goofed around - watching TV and doing computer and household stuff in a tipsy state for a while - then had a nice sleepover.
We have a birthday party to attend tomorrow night, church Sunday morning, and hopefully continued dance lessons Sunday night. S is somewhat reticent because he has a lot of writing work on his plate, but I really want to keep up our dance progression. I think it adds to the fun and romance of our relationship, which is vital.
Quick ttc check-in... I'm starting to wean myself off of the DHEA/Metformin and am pretty much throwing in the towel on my own eggs. I'm not sure the grief around this has hit me yet, but I do feel we gave it some really good tries here at the end. Last week, I talked to someone at CA Conceptions, and that program sounds promising on the donor embryo front. Continuing to do research. In the meanwhile, I'm taking action to get my large fibroid (and likely the smaller one too) outside my uterus removed. I have a consult in two or three weeks with the same surgeon I met with previously and will hopefully get the surgery before Christmas.
I'll end with pictures of Zoey in yet another Halloween costume that didn't fit! In the second picture, you can see she has a couple white bumps on her left eyebrow. She's had them for a few days and I'm keeping an eye on them. If they don't improve soon, I'll take her in to the vet. Any idea what they might be? I'm thinking either bug bites or a reaction to a poison oak-type plant.
On my side of the aisle, I see that I was the one that opened the door to breaking up by bringing up this possibility in the heat of some of our recent arguments. In the moment, I felt completely overwhelmed and part of me DID want to get away from him, but in the big picture, it's not what I want. So, I'm instituting a self-imposed moratorium on break-up language, and am also working to be more present when conflict comes up, versus deflecting it or getting defensive. I get scared this means I'll be trampled on but am trying to remember being present doesn't mean being a doormat. Ideally, I want to be present for both myself AND for him - trying to acknowledge his experience, while not taking in the shame part.
Enough of the super heavy and deep stuff for this post. We had a fun Halloween evening! I raced home from work but still missed most of the trick-or-treaters, I think. :( I handed out candy to a few groups, including one gaggle of teens, just as we were leaving. For some reason, the teens were endearing to me, and I was glad to end the candy-giving time with them. Then, we went out for Halloween drinks and had some enjoyable conversation about the deep stuff going on with him and with us. We came back to my place afterwards and goofed around - watching TV and doing computer and household stuff in a tipsy state for a while - then had a nice sleepover.
We have a birthday party to attend tomorrow night, church Sunday morning, and hopefully continued dance lessons Sunday night. S is somewhat reticent because he has a lot of writing work on his plate, but I really want to keep up our dance progression. I think it adds to the fun and romance of our relationship, which is vital.
Quick ttc check-in... I'm starting to wean myself off of the DHEA/Metformin and am pretty much throwing in the towel on my own eggs. I'm not sure the grief around this has hit me yet, but I do feel we gave it some really good tries here at the end. Last week, I talked to someone at CA Conceptions, and that program sounds promising on the donor embryo front. Continuing to do research. In the meanwhile, I'm taking action to get my large fibroid (and likely the smaller one too) outside my uterus removed. I have a consult in two or three weeks with the same surgeon I met with previously and will hopefully get the surgery before Christmas.
I'll end with pictures of Zoey in yet another Halloween costume that didn't fit! In the second picture, you can see she has a couple white bumps on her left eyebrow. She's had them for a few days and I'm keeping an eye on them. If they don't improve soon, I'll take her in to the vet. Any idea what they might be? I'm thinking either bug bites or a reaction to a poison oak-type plant.
9/12/2013
Rolling Along
I think I've definitely reached "jaded" status. I'm just rolling through the motions of this IUI without a lot of excitement, hope, or much of any emotion, really. I guess I had a minor stress episode when my bbt was up a bit when just starting to do my OPKs (and seeing a very faint line). I thought I knew where I was in the cycle - quite early still - but then I got worried... which was my own fault really, since I tried to second-guess the fertility clinic's advice and skip a monitoring appointment. I called the nurse sheepishly and agreed to come in the next morning, as planned. I think I would likely have been okay waiting one more day but better safe than sorry.
The follicles - all two of them :( - ended up being big enough to trigger, so I did so on the spot and came in for the IUI bright and early Sunday morning. I felt quite a few twinges before and after ovulation this cycle... but no other symptoms so far, even though I'm on progesterone. I was so disappointed to learn there were only two follicles - one on each ovary. There were a few other little ones but they never took off.
Oh, and I started acupuncture again last week with someone who seems a lot more skilled than the last "normal" acupuncturist I went to, and certainly more skilled than the community acupuncturists who can't even place needles in my abdomen. At one point in the treatment, she used these cool needles that send electric pulses into the site. She also put a few little needle patches in my ear before I left - anyone else had those? I got used to them, but at first I kept forgetting they were there, rubbing my ear, and saying "Ow!". I have another session tomorrow morning.
In other news, the universe has an odd sense of humor. Turns out, S and I are heading up to visit my family in Oregon under pretty much the same circumstances of the ill-fated Tahoe trip! It will be about the same time in my cycle, I'm on progesterone, and we're doing an injectable cycle. Wish us luck!
Luckily, I saw the counselor on Tuesday, and she gave me some good framing and strategies for us to use. One strategy is to consciously have "recovery" time when we come out of a period of time with family. Unfortunately, because they aren't able to do the unconditional love or acceptance thing, I am not able to be open and relaxed when I'm with them (mainly my parents) and can end up feeling not so good about myself. This can lead to tension with S and I, which sucks. So I want to try some journaling, prayer, meditation, quiet time, etc. when coming out of these times and see how it goes.
Saturday we are all meeting up at 11am and heading to the Duck game. Woo hoo! Then, we'll come back to my brother's house afterwards for dinner and to hang out. S and I are bringing Zoey and staying in a hotel the first night (we'll likely get in very late on Friday), then at my brother's the next two nights. He and his wife bought a big new house that has an extra room and bathroom, so that should be cool. Can't wait to hold and play with my nieces and nephew.
The follicles - all two of them :( - ended up being big enough to trigger, so I did so on the spot and came in for the IUI bright and early Sunday morning. I felt quite a few twinges before and after ovulation this cycle... but no other symptoms so far, even though I'm on progesterone. I was so disappointed to learn there were only two follicles - one on each ovary. There were a few other little ones but they never took off.
Oh, and I started acupuncture again last week with someone who seems a lot more skilled than the last "normal" acupuncturist I went to, and certainly more skilled than the community acupuncturists who can't even place needles in my abdomen. At one point in the treatment, she used these cool needles that send electric pulses into the site. She also put a few little needle patches in my ear before I left - anyone else had those? I got used to them, but at first I kept forgetting they were there, rubbing my ear, and saying "Ow!". I have another session tomorrow morning.
In other news, the universe has an odd sense of humor. Turns out, S and I are heading up to visit my family in Oregon under pretty much the same circumstances of the ill-fated Tahoe trip! It will be about the same time in my cycle, I'm on progesterone, and we're doing an injectable cycle. Wish us luck!
Luckily, I saw the counselor on Tuesday, and she gave me some good framing and strategies for us to use. One strategy is to consciously have "recovery" time when we come out of a period of time with family. Unfortunately, because they aren't able to do the unconditional love or acceptance thing, I am not able to be open and relaxed when I'm with them (mainly my parents) and can end up feeling not so good about myself. This can lead to tension with S and I, which sucks. So I want to try some journaling, prayer, meditation, quiet time, etc. when coming out of these times and see how it goes.
Saturday we are all meeting up at 11am and heading to the Duck game. Woo hoo! Then, we'll come back to my brother's house afterwards for dinner and to hang out. S and I are bringing Zoey and staying in a hotel the first night (we'll likely get in very late on Friday), then at my brother's the next two nights. He and his wife bought a big new house that has an extra room and bathroom, so that should be cool. Can't wait to hold and play with my nieces and nephew.
3/05/2013
Conscious Sedation
Polyp surgery on the books for Friday at 8am! I have to be at the hospital at 6am - Ouch. S is going to take me there and home. Today in my surgery phone consult, the nurse said I'll be getting some really good IV drugs to achieve "conscious sedation." She described a previous eyelid surgery - with a bit too much detail I must admit - in which she had received the same medication, and said that it makes you drowsy, drifty, and like you don't care. She said she understands why people become addicted to the stuff, and I started to wonder if SHE wished she had her own supply. lol In any case, it sounds like I'll be in a good state of mind for the procedure.
In other news, I've felt somewhat "consciously sedated" in my own life this week; kind of lost, and I'm not sure why. Sometimes lately I feel very close to S and other times kind of distant. The trip to Oregon was difficult but okay, and good in some ways. We had a challenging conversation in counseling last week about agreements regarding exes. Then a good conversation Sunday morning in which it seemed like we came closer together around it. And continued on to spent a lot of nice time together over the next day. Then, yesterday, after we separated, I felt lost and adrift. Why? I don't get it. I would have thought I would feel hopeful and happy after our conversation and time together.
Today, we had a great hike this morning, then tension on the phone about the way he is responding to my work with a coach (exciting to be making headway on a goal to take on several individual career counseling clients). He sometimes seems less than supportive when I share about it... I'm not sure if it's because of his own career crossroads or some other reason, but it sucks when you really want someone to show support and they don't or can't. Anyway, I got off the phone abruptly when I sensed this lack of support, and then he got upset at me with the way I got off the phone. Aaargh. Maybe he's feeling vulnerable. Maybe we're both feeling vulnerable. Maybe these stupid supplements are continuing to make me feel funky and sensitive.
I guess I'll take a shower and head to bed. A couple full days of work at the college ahead, so that should distract me from my funk. Oh, I do have a bit of good news: the college raised my hours up from 10 to the highest level of 16. Yay!
In other news, I've felt somewhat "consciously sedated" in my own life this week; kind of lost, and I'm not sure why. Sometimes lately I feel very close to S and other times kind of distant. The trip to Oregon was difficult but okay, and good in some ways. We had a challenging conversation in counseling last week about agreements regarding exes. Then a good conversation Sunday morning in which it seemed like we came closer together around it. And continued on to spent a lot of nice time together over the next day. Then, yesterday, after we separated, I felt lost and adrift. Why? I don't get it. I would have thought I would feel hopeful and happy after our conversation and time together.
Today, we had a great hike this morning, then tension on the phone about the way he is responding to my work with a coach (exciting to be making headway on a goal to take on several individual career counseling clients). He sometimes seems less than supportive when I share about it... I'm not sure if it's because of his own career crossroads or some other reason, but it sucks when you really want someone to show support and they don't or can't. Anyway, I got off the phone abruptly when I sensed this lack of support, and then he got upset at me with the way I got off the phone. Aaargh. Maybe he's feeling vulnerable. Maybe we're both feeling vulnerable. Maybe these stupid supplements are continuing to make me feel funky and sensitive.
I guess I'll take a shower and head to bed. A couple full days of work at the college ahead, so that should distract me from my funk. Oh, I do have a bit of good news: the college raised my hours up from 10 to the highest level of 16. Yay!
2/01/2013
Nose to the Grindstone...
Usually, I will get some sort of heads up from my Manager or co-worker, but this month, nada. This basically translated into me becoming the Tasmanian Devil for a few days: calling and emailing schools, families, students; sending reminders; entering numbered responses and comments and rechecking; until finally, the last report entered at midnight last night. Whew! The good side is that I am paid double for these reports, so my check this month will likewise be double. :) Which will come in handy considering upcoming medical procedures...
Yes, I am going forward with the Hysteroscopy this Tuesday morning at 9:30. I have started taking birth control pills, and have the good drugs, Val.ium and Vic.odin, on hand to take just prior to the procedure. I initially asked her about taking care of anything we might find during the same procedure, and she said, yes, they normally do but sometimes the pain is too much for the patient and they can't go forward.
Hmm, well, let's see, how about we take some pain medication beforehand, just in case? She agreed. S will be taking me there and home, as I clearly won't be able to drive. So, fingers crossed. Part of me hopes they DO find something, so that there could be some explanation and cure for my series of unsuccessful attempts. But nothing too serious please? Just a few little polyps getting in the way of implantation maybe?
On the relationship front, S and I took a detour a couple weeks ago and regressed into some old pain. Prompted by a conversation we were having about the possible end of counseling and not yet having agreements around communication with exes, he shared he had been continuing to talk regularly on the phone with his ex-wife. I actually don't want to talk a lot about the drama around that right now. Just to say, that it triggered my feelings from our previous time together and breakups and really sucked.
Since then, he has been sharing more about his motivations around maintaining these friendships (including that he blew friends/family off in the past in big ways due to relationship demands at the time, as well as a pattern of less than complete honesty to avoid conflict). I'm appreciating his honesty now and ability to take a look at himself. I also wonder if there are additional, less conscious reasons for this pattern, as well, such as fear of intimacy or of us not working out - so keeping a foot out the door, so to speak.
As part of recent conversations, he's agreed not to talk to his exes at all until we can get a longer-term agreement with the therapist's help in the next two or three weeks. He says he loves me and wants me and only me, and I believe him. He says he's in a different place now than when we were together before - that he's not looking for problems and that he has faith in us - and I believe him... mostly.
On my side, I eventually was able to see his point that I never asked about her or whether they were communicating - at some less than conscious level, I assumed they weren't, which was my pattern before, as well. Making assumptions and not getting agreements. We had been talking a lot about his other ex, the content of which I would have thought would apply to his ex-wife, but it seems it did not.
As mentioned, I do see his talking to his ex as possibly keeping some distance or keeping a foot out the door. But I also see my pattern of judgment and criticism as doing the same... In a way, I feel like we are in a game of chicken, seeing who will give up their most effective line of defense against intimacy first.
Though it might seem crazy to some, I see continuing our efforts to conceive as an act of faith in us. I'll admit that the thought of stopping all that really sucked, when we were going through our recent difficulties.
Our therapist, btw, thinks that we are going through completely normal, inevitable ambivalence that come up at the precipice of commitment with a capital "C." S saw her right after this conflict erupted. I have an appointment with her early next week, then we will both meet with her a couple times to work on these agreements. It's tough, but I do see progress.
Any encouragement or shared experiences are welcome. Have been reading along with you all and hoping good things for you, but not finding energy to post much at the moment. I'll let you know how the procedure goes on Tuesday.
p.s. I have been taking Metformin and am now up to three pills a day. Feeling some queasiness here and there but overall, I seem to be be tolerating it well. I did find out that it only combats the physical/male hormone effects of DHEA (gaining weight in abdomen and, I'm assuming, increased hair growth), but not the mood impacts. This sucks, as I seem quite prone to these volatile mood eruptions. It's strange that I spent much of my relationship with S before on these drugs and am back on them now... interesting to compare how we cope.
p.p.s. Zoey continues to lighten my energy and keep me sane! Her procedure healed well and she's doing great!
1/10/2013
Back on the TTC Bandwagon
Sorry for the long absence. To begin with, I wanted to report that the idea of a third party in our relationship somewhere down the line, a strategy the scared part of me came up with to deal with fear of commitment with a capital C, did NOT go over well with S. We had some very tough conversations heading into New Years. But I kind of think those conversations needed to happen.
We're continuing to go to counseling for help with these "stuck" places in both us that have roots way back in our teens or childhood. It sometimes seems our issues are interrelated... like I wonder if my fear of capital C commitment is related to his reluctance to give up friendships with exes (also a door closing of sorts). It's amazing and a bit scary to me how deep my feelings are around the latter issue.
Some hope is rising around it though, and we will continue to talk about it tomorrow in our session, focusing on strategies to move forward and build necessary trust. *Sidenote: last week, we had a sweet New Year's ritual in our session where we lit a candle and named an intention to have a perspective of "Oy vey" versus "Oh Shit!" when conflict or challenge comes up. :)
The other topic I want to talk about in this post is our renewed efforts towards conceiving. I had my first "new doctor"'s appointment yesterday.
S's sp*rm analysis came back pretty stellar, which he was excited about in a typically male way. :) On a more downer note, when she saw my AMH results, and considering my age, she emphasized again how low our odds were. She said she had never seen someone conceive at my age during her time at that medical clinic.... except when they were taking DHEA. So, it looks like, despite my hatred of the side effects I experienced last time, I am going back onto DHEA but also taking Metformin, which is supposed to somewhat mediate said side effects.
My mood was lifted just a bit, when she did the ultrasound and exclaimed, "Your right ovary looks GREAT!" Especially considering she was a very low-key, non-exclamatory type person.
Other actions we're taking or have taken: I got another HSG (Historosalpingogram) test yesterday, which came out well, and I am also going to get a saline sonogram or something similar (I forget what she said but it's above and beyond a saline sonogram) to check for any abnormalities on the uterine wall that might interfere with implantation.
Then, we might do our first IUI in a few days. It was too late to start injectable meds this cycle, but everything might be in place to at least do an IUI. Though the odds are so very, very low, I kinda want to do one because I just had the HSG (which has been shown to help odds a bit) and, afterall, she said my right ovary looked so GREAT. :) Do you guys think I should? Or should we just chill and wait until next cycle with the meds. I'm hoping to connect with the doctor about this later, as well.
Guess that's it for now. Not any huge expectations over here, just gratitude to be trying and just a tad of hope mixed in.
* Oh, and in the spirit of International Blog Delurking Week, would you please take a moment to say, "hi," in the comments, as well as anything else you would like to share about yourself? I would love to know who else is out there, in addition to my regular commenters.
We're continuing to go to counseling for help with these "stuck" places in both us that have roots way back in our teens or childhood. It sometimes seems our issues are interrelated... like I wonder if my fear of capital C commitment is related to his reluctance to give up friendships with exes (also a door closing of sorts). It's amazing and a bit scary to me how deep my feelings are around the latter issue.
Some hope is rising around it though, and we will continue to talk about it tomorrow in our session, focusing on strategies to move forward and build necessary trust. *Sidenote: last week, we had a sweet New Year's ritual in our session where we lit a candle and named an intention to have a perspective of "Oy vey" versus "Oh Shit!" when conflict or challenge comes up. :)
The other topic I want to talk about in this post is our renewed efforts towards conceiving. I had my first "new doctor"'s appointment yesterday.
S's sp*rm analysis came back pretty stellar, which he was excited about in a typically male way. :) On a more downer note, when she saw my AMH results, and considering my age, she emphasized again how low our odds were. She said she had never seen someone conceive at my age during her time at that medical clinic.... except when they were taking DHEA. So, it looks like, despite my hatred of the side effects I experienced last time, I am going back onto DHEA but also taking Metformin, which is supposed to somewhat mediate said side effects.
My mood was lifted just a bit, when she did the ultrasound and exclaimed, "Your right ovary looks GREAT!" Especially considering she was a very low-key, non-exclamatory type person.
Other actions we're taking or have taken: I got another HSG (Historosalpingogram) test yesterday, which came out well, and I am also going to get a saline sonogram or something similar (I forget what she said but it's above and beyond a saline sonogram) to check for any abnormalities on the uterine wall that might interfere with implantation.
Then, we might do our first IUI in a few days. It was too late to start injectable meds this cycle, but everything might be in place to at least do an IUI. Though the odds are so very, very low, I kinda want to do one because I just had the HSG (which has been shown to help odds a bit) and, afterall, she said my right ovary looked so GREAT. :) Do you guys think I should? Or should we just chill and wait until next cycle with the meds. I'm hoping to connect with the doctor about this later, as well.
Guess that's it for now. Not any huge expectations over here, just gratitude to be trying and just a tad of hope mixed in.
* Oh, and in the spirit of International Blog Delurking Week, would you please take a moment to say, "hi," in the comments, as well as anything else you would like to share about yourself? I would love to know who else is out there, in addition to my regular commenters.
12/20/2012
Happy Birthday to Me, and Happy Holidays!
I had a great birthday, though I can't say I'm excited about turning another year older! The day started with brunch at an English pub. S and I met a friend I know from my dance group. She had actually organized the brunch, cancelled when not many people could come that day, then went ahead with it when she found out we would be coming, which was totally cool. Her husband was originally going to join us but could only stop by for a minute. We had a good time, though, and then another interesting couple dropped by for breakfast and a chat.
At the end of brunch time, my friend and I broke away for a half hour to talk. We had been trying to connect for the prior week, as she wanted to discuss motherhood issues coming up for her around a family member becoming pregnant. She reads this blog and knows my feelings and efforts in this area, so wanted to connect with me about it. Her husband doesn't want kids, but understandably she hoped this might soften over time. I feel for her and hope that something in the situation might shift as what she wants draws into clearer focus. We discussed how, while it's not foolproof, sometimes it seems that one person's position can change when the other person becomes really clear about their own needs or desires. Or maybe something will shift in her own feelings.
Anyway, I really enjoyed the morning of good food, good company, and meaningful conversation. We headed off from there to watch "The Hobbit" movie. I enjoyed it! I guess it's described as "cartoon" violence, and this violence doesn't tend to bother me in the same way. The science fiction, other-worldly aspect is fun... and I love Gollum! He's such an interesting character from a psychological perspective - so broken and delusional. We all have Gollum within us! ha
Finally after heading back to my place for some Zoey care, S and I went to a very nice dinner in our favorite neighborhood. The same restaurant we chose for his birthday a year and a half ago!
* As a side note, this is one example of many "do-overs" we're experiencing, which feel quite healing. Opportunities to experience something similar but from a radically different (and happier, healthier) place. My whole birthday and hopefully the rest of the month including Christmas are actually "do-overs" in that sense, as we broke up at the beginning of December, casting a pall on the entire month last year (as many of you might remember).
But back to dinner... we actually had a lot of deep conversation over wine and delicious food, including talking about our possible paths to parenthood: we both still feel a desire for a biological child, could also imagine adopting, and can even consider the possibility of living child-free, though this is not either of our preferences. It's amazing to me I am able to even try that last one on, but I have done so, as I think I've shared here, entirely separate from him.
We ended with a yummy tart with ice cream and chocolate cake dessert split. He gave me presents of chocolates, a book, and a trip to wine country, but I swear, going out to dinner makes me as happy as anything. Eating out more often is definitely one of the perks of dating someone, in my book. I'm laughing at myself! Ah well.
I need to wrap this up and head to bed. I did want to share that we've had two counseling appointments, and this is going remarkably well. So far, we are able to maintain closeness and not become adversarial, which I was a bit worried about. Also, we are getting to the heart of some of the issues that affect us, including his responsiveness to intense sadness or other strong emotions I may feel, and my grief and anger (yes I still have some anger) about the shock and pain of our break-ups.
And lastly, it took me longer than anticipated, but I did eventually rev up into the Christmas spirit. My little tree is decorated (see below), gifts bought and sent, cookies made. Really looking forward to going to a couple of friend and family events on Christmas and having S with me. Glad to not be leaving the Zoester either. I miss her when I don't see her for two or three hours; whole days are brutal! Here are a couple fairly recent pics of my sweetie pie. :)
At the end of brunch time, my friend and I broke away for a half hour to talk. We had been trying to connect for the prior week, as she wanted to discuss motherhood issues coming up for her around a family member becoming pregnant. She reads this blog and knows my feelings and efforts in this area, so wanted to connect with me about it. Her husband doesn't want kids, but understandably she hoped this might soften over time. I feel for her and hope that something in the situation might shift as what she wants draws into clearer focus. We discussed how, while it's not foolproof, sometimes it seems that one person's position can change when the other person becomes really clear about their own needs or desires. Or maybe something will shift in her own feelings.
Anyway, I really enjoyed the morning of good food, good company, and meaningful conversation. We headed off from there to watch "The Hobbit" movie. I enjoyed it! I guess it's described as "cartoon" violence, and this violence doesn't tend to bother me in the same way. The science fiction, other-worldly aspect is fun... and I love Gollum! He's such an interesting character from a psychological perspective - so broken and delusional. We all have Gollum within us! ha
Finally after heading back to my place for some Zoey care, S and I went to a very nice dinner in our favorite neighborhood. The same restaurant we chose for his birthday a year and a half ago!
* As a side note, this is one example of many "do-overs" we're experiencing, which feel quite healing. Opportunities to experience something similar but from a radically different (and happier, healthier) place. My whole birthday and hopefully the rest of the month including Christmas are actually "do-overs" in that sense, as we broke up at the beginning of December, casting a pall on the entire month last year (as many of you might remember).
But back to dinner... we actually had a lot of deep conversation over wine and delicious food, including talking about our possible paths to parenthood: we both still feel a desire for a biological child, could also imagine adopting, and can even consider the possibility of living child-free, though this is not either of our preferences. It's amazing to me I am able to even try that last one on, but I have done so, as I think I've shared here, entirely separate from him.
We ended with a yummy tart with ice cream and chocolate cake dessert split. He gave me presents of chocolates, a book, and a trip to wine country, but I swear, going out to dinner makes me as happy as anything. Eating out more often is definitely one of the perks of dating someone, in my book. I'm laughing at myself! Ah well.
I need to wrap this up and head to bed. I did want to share that we've had two counseling appointments, and this is going remarkably well. So far, we are able to maintain closeness and not become adversarial, which I was a bit worried about. Also, we are getting to the heart of some of the issues that affect us, including his responsiveness to intense sadness or other strong emotions I may feel, and my grief and anger (yes I still have some anger) about the shock and pain of our break-ups.
And lastly, it took me longer than anticipated, but I did eventually rev up into the Christmas spirit. My little tree is decorated (see below), gifts bought and sent, cookies made. Really looking forward to going to a couple of friend and family events on Christmas and having S with me. Glad to not be leaving the Zoester either. I miss her when I don't see her for two or three hours; whole days are brutal! Here are a couple fairly recent pics of my sweetie pie. :)
12/01/2012
The Ex-Boyfriend Chronicles and Holiday Planning
Yay, it's December 1! I'm ready for December. It's not like I have amazing holiday plans or anything. In fact, my parents (Dad and Step Mom) are heading to Nebraska to see her sister, while my brother and sister head to their spouse's locales.
I'm considering two different holiday options but leaning towards number one. The first option is hanging out here at home and not traveling anywhere. My sister's husband's family lives in the Bay Area, so they will be here for a few days, but I'm not close with his family and wouldn't likely attend their Christmas gatherings. I'm hoping we'd meet up at least a couple of times, though, and I would look forward to seeing my niece and nephew and giving them their presents. I've been invited to a friend's for Christmas day.
The second option would be to drive up to Oregon again and hopefully catch my brother and family a time or two around their familial visits. Of course I would love to see my baby niece, Vivian, again. And I could see my aunt/uncle and cousins/family on my birth mother's side, including my Grandpa who is getting older and has been recently ill. But the drive up is sounding horrible right now, as well as being apart from Zoey again. I could try and take her, but I'm not sure how she would travel at this point.
Staying home, getting a little tree and doing lots of Christmasy stuff around here is sounding better and better. And I could spend time with S, as well (I'll share more about that little situation later). Yet, it might be kind of lonely right around Christmas Eve/Christmas without family. Which option would you choose if you were me?
Everything's peachy on the Zoey front. She is lagging on learning the "Down" command, likely because I've been inconsistent in my training. I signed up for a training class for her on Saturday mornings starting mid January. She's getting spayed around that time, as well, so it will be a big month for her. She still loves playing fetch and is getting more focused and skilled with it. For instance, she doesn't run off mid fetch to sniff something as often :), and when she comes back she kind of tosses the ball at my feet. It's very cute. We still love our cuddling on the couch and watching TV time, during which she's swaddled in a sheet and so adorable.
I'll end this post with an update on the "S Situation." He and I have continued to spend time together and talk, though we have had our ups and downs. For instance, this week he chose to have a friendly dinner with an ex. :( Not the ex-wife that caused us to break up but an ex-girlfriend who did cause stress and strife in our relationship before.
The good news is that he is "showing up" more in terms of communication, and we have actually moved forward on counseling and narrowed our choices to two. We are strongly leaning toward the one who has Non-Viol.ent Commun.ication experience, since this is a tool we know and use in our relationship. In our separate phone conversations, we both really liked and felt comfortable with her. Our first session may be as soon as this Friday!
A final confession: S and I recently became "intimate" again and because it was around ovulation time, guess whose mind wants to ruminate about possibilities? But since we "tried" for several months without success last year, and my age considered, of course the odds are extremely low.
I'm considering two different holiday options but leaning towards number one. The first option is hanging out here at home and not traveling anywhere. My sister's husband's family lives in the Bay Area, so they will be here for a few days, but I'm not close with his family and wouldn't likely attend their Christmas gatherings. I'm hoping we'd meet up at least a couple of times, though, and I would look forward to seeing my niece and nephew and giving them their presents. I've been invited to a friend's for Christmas day.
The second option would be to drive up to Oregon again and hopefully catch my brother and family a time or two around their familial visits. Of course I would love to see my baby niece, Vivian, again. And I could see my aunt/uncle and cousins/family on my birth mother's side, including my Grandpa who is getting older and has been recently ill. But the drive up is sounding horrible right now, as well as being apart from Zoey again. I could try and take her, but I'm not sure how she would travel at this point.
Staying home, getting a little tree and doing lots of Christmasy stuff around here is sounding better and better. And I could spend time with S, as well (I'll share more about that little situation later). Yet, it might be kind of lonely right around Christmas Eve/Christmas without family. Which option would you choose if you were me?
Everything's peachy on the Zoey front. She is lagging on learning the "Down" command, likely because I've been inconsistent in my training. I signed up for a training class for her on Saturday mornings starting mid January. She's getting spayed around that time, as well, so it will be a big month for her. She still loves playing fetch and is getting more focused and skilled with it. For instance, she doesn't run off mid fetch to sniff something as often :), and when she comes back she kind of tosses the ball at my feet. It's very cute. We still love our cuddling on the couch and watching TV time, during which she's swaddled in a sheet and so adorable.
I'll end this post with an update on the "S Situation." He and I have continued to spend time together and talk, though we have had our ups and downs. For instance, this week he chose to have a friendly dinner with an ex. :( Not the ex-wife that caused us to break up but an ex-girlfriend who did cause stress and strife in our relationship before.
The good news is that he is "showing up" more in terms of communication, and we have actually moved forward on counseling and narrowed our choices to two. We are strongly leaning toward the one who has Non-Viol.ent Commun.ication experience, since this is a tool we know and use in our relationship. In our separate phone conversations, we both really liked and felt comfortable with her. Our first session may be as soon as this Friday!
A final confession: S and I recently became "intimate" again and because it was around ovulation time, guess whose mind wants to ruminate about possibilities? But since we "tried" for several months without success last year, and my age considered, of course the odds are extremely low.
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