RC arrived for a 9-day visit last Saturday. We have been getting used to each other again, talking and spending time at my place, as well as doing "normal" activities like grocery shopping and picking up a few items at T@rget.
This time, he decided to bring his beautiful, orange kitty cat, Calvin, so it has been fun and entertaining watching Calvin and Zoey interact and gradually make (sometimes an uneasy) peace with each other. They are definitely not in the cuddling or grooming each other phase, but they can walk by each other more easily now and even lie next to one another on the floor.
When RC first arrived, after not seeing each other since January 2nd, I felt a powerful wave of joy and attraction to him. The intensity of this was unexpected. He looked so good and I just wanted to be close to him and look at him. Of course, that has mellowed, but I'm still feeling super happy to have him around. We have been watching some TV in the evening, but for the most part, have been out and about or eating meals. We also did a guided meditation at one point up in my room, which was lovely.
Yesterday afternoon, we finally watched the movie, "The Shape of Water, which was dramatic, touching, and romantic. Then, later on, we went out to one of our favorite local restaurants, Central Market. We ordered oyster shooters to start, then he had chicken and I had a super yummy chorizo and mussel dish, accompanied by a nice red wine.
As of yesterday morning, back is out of alignment or something and I've been experiencing some pain. RC has been caring and helpful with that. After reading that we could not be intimate for at least a week, possibly longer, following the hysteroscopy procedure, I decided to postpone it for a month or so until my spring break in March. So it's ironic that my back pain is getting in the way of us being intimate, though we did have a chance to connect in that way for a day or two before it flaired up.
I may regret postponing the procedure but literally started crying when I read that guideline and felt that we really needed to have normal connection this week after over a month apart and going through the progesterone hell. It's not an urgent situation, so I don't think another month will make a difference. And maybe it will allow us to time the procedure better in terms of my cycle and lining production, etc.
Today, we plan to walk around downtown, back permitting, and maybe revisit the goal cards we first created on New Year's, as well as guide him through a career values exercise I've been meaning to share. I think I may have said that he's been in semi-retirement after burning out of a PG&E management job of several decades, and he's wanting to find more meaningful work for the next 10-15 years.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and I look forward to creating some romantic memories, including another nice dinner. Hope your day is filled with love and connection, as well.
Showing posts with label Zoey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Zoey. Show all posts
2/13/2018
12/02/2017
My new love - Part 3
Back to the story...So during RC's visit, we were already thinking ahead to when we would see each other again, and in passing, I mentioned Thanksgiving and my birthday on December 16th. We also had a conversation over the phone about what makes a long-distance relationship sustainable, and one of the main aspects we both mentioned was seeing each other regularly. The last day before he left, we talked a little more about the idea of Thanksgiving. He seemed less than enthusiastic, but as we continued to discuss it, I realized it was because he was worried about trying to put together a full traditional Thanksgiving meal.
One thing I haven't mentioned yet is that he has a thyroid disorder and is on quite a few food restrictions: no dairy, no gluten, etc. It's a little frustrating sometimes, but usually there is something on the menu he can order or adapt to work for him. Once we agreed we would have a "non-traditional" meal, however, I think he relaxed. He definitely wanted me to come see him, and we both were excited as we made plans and the time grew closer.
After I got over the hurdle of doing laundry, packing, etc. and got on the road with my co-pilot, Zoey, it took a little over four hours to get to his house. Arriving and getting settled was the worst part of the trip (I'm noticing a pattern here with me - I think I have anxiety during these kind of transitions). He was finishing cleaning the bathroom when I arrived (!) so was all sweaty and grimy when I arrived. He came out to the car and tried to kiss me through the window - back up, sweaty boy! lol Also, his apartment was very underwhelming. He does know this. He moved there under pressure to find something quickly and considered it "temporary," though he's now been there for two-and-a-half years. It's old with a capital O and run-down looking. The carpet, floors, and fixtures are worn and unattractive. It has an unpleasant smell sometimes in the kitchen and bathroom because he said the plumbing is really old or something. Yeah, it's not good. But what was I going to do? I was a guest and had to make the best of it, so I did. The two dozen roses he gave me did help a little!
Later, after I arrived home, I had feelings come up about it that I had pushed down while I was there, so I talked to him about it. Though it wasn't the most comfortable conversation, he listened and took it in, and then did some self-reflection about why he had settled for a "sub-standard" (his word) home environment for so long. It was a relief for me to express my feelings about it, as well as my thoughts that it didn't fit him or his level of consciousness, so to speak. I am clear within myself that I would be reluctant to visit him again in that place, though I might, and would definitely not ever live there.
Anyway, moving on, the activities and time we spent during my visit were a little affected by the environment but not too much. I arrived on Thanksgiving, so after getting settled, we had a glass of wine and made dinner. It was delicious! He cooked a thick piece of salmon to perfection and made delicious mashed sweet potatoes with ghee (clarified butter). I prepared and roasted some brussel sprouts, and we had gourmet chocolate for dessert. Yum! We watched the movie, "Pets," which was cute, while cuddling and giving each other massage, which seems to be becoming one of our things.
The second day, we went out and walked around downtown Paso Robles, a nearby town, walked through a community craft/art fair that was happening in the town square, and visited a couple of interesting art galleries. When we got back to his house, we had a really deep and meaningful talk that meant the world to me. I shared that I was afraid that my "issues" that come up at times might sabotage our relationship, and he assured me that he was "not going anywhere" and wanted to see where things go with us. It reminded me of the book, "Motherless Daughters," which talks about how someone can come along who is willing to stick it out and get through the triggers that come up around intimacy for women who have lost their mothers. I thought it was interesting the section of that book popped up in my mind.
We sort of "partied" one of the days I was there, but in a somewhat conscious way. We made plans for meaningful activities to do together while we were "feeling good" and did them all, I think. We played a lot of music and made a soundtrack for ourselves. We read a relationship book we had picked up the day before in town and discussed a ritual that would mark our commitment to one another. One ritual, changing our FB status, we completed that evening, and another ritual, getting corresponding tattoos, we may do in the near future. That's definitely a big commitment. A lot of the evening, we sat on the couch drinking red wine and talking and asking each other questions. :)
The next day, we were feeling a little tired but not too bad and went out to a fun brunch. He was being a little "clingy" about me leaving later, but it was cute. After brunch, we came back to the house and took a nap and made love a last time. We are learning more about each other in that area. It's great to experience pleasure, and I think it's an important part of a relationship to share with someone; one that my last relationship did not consistently include. It definitely didn't include all the affection, cuddling, and massage that RC and I share.
Another significant aspect of the trip I want to mention is the interactions of our two beloved pets: his kitty cat, Calvin, and my girl, Zoey. Their initial meeting did not at all go as planned. RC thought that Calvin would be shy and go hide somewhere. Nope. Calvin was very curious! He wanted to see who was this strange creature invading his territory and running around with all this energy? The whole time we were there, he kept an eye on Zoey, wanting to know where she was and what she was doing. A few times, they did come together for a butt sniff or to touch noses, but for the most part, if Zoey tried to come right up to Calvin, he would make a swatting motion with one paw (though I don't think he ever actually scratched her) and she would retreat yelping as though she had been mortally wounded. lol
Whenever I or RC would try and pay attention to Calvin, Zoey would come up and try and be part of the action. Does anyone know what that is? Is she jealous or curious or feeling protective or? It was a little frustrating because I wanted to get to know Calvin better, but for the most part, we were pleased with this first introduction, and they did seem more relaxed as the weekend progressed. We were even able to leave them alone together and they were fine. We noticed they tended to pick up on our energy and if we were super relaxed, like doing a guided meditation together or just relaxed and talking, they would follow suit and plop down all chilled out. lol
We have had some great and progressively deepening conversations since Thanksgiving weekend, and yesterday, we finalized our hotel booking for Christmas in Eugene! Yep, he's coming with me to Oregon, and I'm looking forward to it. Calvin will have a cat sitter but Zoey is coming with us. He's driving up to my house on my birthday, and we are going to decorate a little Christmas tree and drive around looking at lights, two of my favorite activities. Then, we will drive up to Oregon together on Thursday morning before Christmas and return the following Thursday. We will spend about two straight weeks together - including several days with family - which I'm thinking will be a big leap forward for our relationship, assuming we survive. ha
Thus ends my three-part "new love" series, but I will post again for my birthday and our holiday travels. Wishing you all a festive and fun start to the holiday season!
8/20/2016
Weekend Updates
Thank you so much to those of you who weighed in on the job opportunity analysis in my last post. It was really helpful! Most of you leaned towards the job with the healthcare trust because it's local, pays well, and offers the opportunity to work remotely. Those of you that favored the university job in Oregon mentioned the positives of living near family and having summers off.
After interviewing for both positions, I have an update on the details of each job, as well as my feelings towards them now...
First of all, the Oregon job interview did not go very well. It was a panel interview on a conference call, which I have never experienced and I can now report is super. awkward. I could not see anyone and received very little feedback on my responses, even non-verbal. They were not a warm and friendly crowd. The main interviewer was kind of formal and unhelpful in communicating the expectations and framework of the interview. In "normal" interviews, it is not uncommon to ask to add something at the end that did not come up in the interview, but when I did this, instead of clearly saying, "I'm sorry, we have to stop now due to time," or something like that, she kind of withdrew and begrudgingly said to go ahead, which totally threw me off.
Also, during the interview, I asked about collaborating between the career and advising departments and an idea I had for that, and got a very strange, stilted response about referring students to career counseling, which did not really answer the question. This also threw me off a little, as I had been told by my friend who works there that this is a great idea and they are really looking for innovation. I realized later that I likely stepped into some political sensitivities, because there was a representative from the career services department in the interview, along with the advising representative, who was leading the interview. This whole separation is foreign and non-intuitive to me, as here in California, we simply have college Counselors that do both academic and career counseling, versus dividing out these functions. What is weird is that it seems that advising helps students choose a major/career, my favorite part of the job. I am still a little confused, and not optimistic they will call me back, even though I feel I did very well on the first half to three-fourths of the interview. Oh, and I did re-read the job description and discover it's a 12-month assignment, so no summers off.
In contrast, I felt like I totally rocked the interview with the healthcare trust for a career counseling position. The whole interview felt as comfortable as an interview can feel, even though this one was also over the phone (only one interviewer though). She and I had a lot in common and seemed to totally click. We had moments of understanding and laughter, having both worked for community colleges and for workforce programs. And the core of why we like career counseling seemed to be similar. I am knocking on wood, but I feel I will likely be moved on to the next stage of interviewing, which will indeed be with a panel/committee. Ugh. In any case, she said I should hear back by next week on the details of this. One potential negative I discovered during the interview is that my position is located in Oakland, which is the one location that has a physical office where other Trust staff work. So, I likely would be working from that office part of the time versus fully remotely, although she indicated I would also work from home to some extent, as well as travel out to various healthcare center locations.
I do still feel positive about the Oregon location - central Oregon, which has waaay better weather than where I grew up - and living near family. My brother said he thought we would likely see each other every few weeks and our families could be more in each other's lives. But traveling for CA Conceptions treatments would be costly and less convenient, and I am really appreciating my friendly, healthy housemate situation, especially in comparison to the stress of my last housemate. In addition, she loves Zoey and plays with her regularly. Yay! She generously offers to let her out when she's home and I'm not, and hangs out with her outside or in her room, truly enjoying Zoey's company. I really feel like she adds to the joy in Z's life, which in turn makes me so happy.
Maybe Oregon does make more sense later, if I do decide to go that route... what do you guys think, hearing how things went?
So now I am playing the waiting game and working on getting new clients to make my budget this month. I plan on making outreach phone calls, which I don't enjoy but which sometimes brings referrals. There is an Art in the P@rk festival nearby that I also may check out today. My housemate and I are going to go in on a big nature photo hanging for the living room. Hope you have a great weekend!
After interviewing for both positions, I have an update on the details of each job, as well as my feelings towards them now...
First of all, the Oregon job interview did not go very well. It was a panel interview on a conference call, which I have never experienced and I can now report is super. awkward. I could not see anyone and received very little feedback on my responses, even non-verbal. They were not a warm and friendly crowd. The main interviewer was kind of formal and unhelpful in communicating the expectations and framework of the interview. In "normal" interviews, it is not uncommon to ask to add something at the end that did not come up in the interview, but when I did this, instead of clearly saying, "I'm sorry, we have to stop now due to time," or something like that, she kind of withdrew and begrudgingly said to go ahead, which totally threw me off.
Also, during the interview, I asked about collaborating between the career and advising departments and an idea I had for that, and got a very strange, stilted response about referring students to career counseling, which did not really answer the question. This also threw me off a little, as I had been told by my friend who works there that this is a great idea and they are really looking for innovation. I realized later that I likely stepped into some political sensitivities, because there was a representative from the career services department in the interview, along with the advising representative, who was leading the interview. This whole separation is foreign and non-intuitive to me, as here in California, we simply have college Counselors that do both academic and career counseling, versus dividing out these functions. What is weird is that it seems that advising helps students choose a major/career, my favorite part of the job. I am still a little confused, and not optimistic they will call me back, even though I feel I did very well on the first half to three-fourths of the interview. Oh, and I did re-read the job description and discover it's a 12-month assignment, so no summers off.
In contrast, I felt like I totally rocked the interview with the healthcare trust for a career counseling position. The whole interview felt as comfortable as an interview can feel, even though this one was also over the phone (only one interviewer though). She and I had a lot in common and seemed to totally click. We had moments of understanding and laughter, having both worked for community colleges and for workforce programs. And the core of why we like career counseling seemed to be similar. I am knocking on wood, but I feel I will likely be moved on to the next stage of interviewing, which will indeed be with a panel/committee. Ugh. In any case, she said I should hear back by next week on the details of this. One potential negative I discovered during the interview is that my position is located in Oakland, which is the one location that has a physical office where other Trust staff work. So, I likely would be working from that office part of the time versus fully remotely, although she indicated I would also work from home to some extent, as well as travel out to various healthcare center locations.
I do still feel positive about the Oregon location - central Oregon, which has waaay better weather than where I grew up - and living near family. My brother said he thought we would likely see each other every few weeks and our families could be more in each other's lives. But traveling for CA Conceptions treatments would be costly and less convenient, and I am really appreciating my friendly, healthy housemate situation, especially in comparison to the stress of my last housemate. In addition, she loves Zoey and plays with her regularly. Yay! She generously offers to let her out when she's home and I'm not, and hangs out with her outside or in her room, truly enjoying Zoey's company. I really feel like she adds to the joy in Z's life, which in turn makes me so happy.
Maybe Oregon does make more sense later, if I do decide to go that route... what do you guys think, hearing how things went?
So now I am playing the waiting game and working on getting new clients to make my budget this month. I plan on making outreach phone calls, which I don't enjoy but which sometimes brings referrals. There is an Art in the P@rk festival nearby that I also may check out today. My housemate and I are going to go in on a big nature photo hanging for the living room. Hope you have a great weekend!
12/22/2014
First Day of Christmas Vacay
Zoey and I made yet another drive up to Oregon yesterday, this one very smooth until the last hour and a half of sheeting rain and fog. Yikes! Passing those huge trucks when mostly blinded is no fun. But we made it. If I could manage to get my act together and leave earlier in the morning versus noon, that would help. Maybe one of these days.
Today, I got up at the crack of dawn (well it was 7am but it was pretty dark!) and hung out with my little niece, V, who is now three-years-old and finally willing to let me play and read to her with her parents not around. So fun! And they appreciated a little free time to get ready and do a couple chores.
Then, I took Zoey on a walk and went to work out at the athletic club (part of the family business). Before I left, I got really pissed off at Zoey when she knocked down the baby gate I set up to keep her downstairs. Getting angry backfired on me, though, because then she wouldn't come when I called and I had to chase, cajole, and finally bribe her to come downstairs. Then tonight I noticed she peed a little bit next to her crate. I did not leave her for more than 2-3 hours at a time today and she goes several hours at a time without peeing at home. What gives? Anyone have insight into dog behavior as to why this might happen? Because apparently my brother found a pee spot last time after we left, too. :-( She's usually such a good dog, but I guess she's really accustomed to her routines maybe.
This afternoon, I met my family for lunch and they gave me a few gifts for my birthday, which was nice. I need to decide whether I will get a pedicure or a massage tomorrow - which would you choose? Very much looking forward to it! And I was also given a pair of workout/running shoes and nice dress that goes well with boots. Then I spent some time with my Mom driving around running errands and chatting. She was a little altered by the pain medicine, but I was really happy to have the opportunity to hang out with her.
My sister, brother, sis-in-law, nieces and nephew and I finished the day going to a Duck basketball game, which they won in overtime to Santa Barbara (non-conference game). Rode home in the back seat between my nephew, E, an oldest niece, J, laughing and singing Christmas carols. A very full and fun-filled day!
Today, I got up at the crack of dawn (well it was 7am but it was pretty dark!) and hung out with my little niece, V, who is now three-years-old and finally willing to let me play and read to her with her parents not around. So fun! And they appreciated a little free time to get ready and do a couple chores.
Then, I took Zoey on a walk and went to work out at the athletic club (part of the family business). Before I left, I got really pissed off at Zoey when she knocked down the baby gate I set up to keep her downstairs. Getting angry backfired on me, though, because then she wouldn't come when I called and I had to chase, cajole, and finally bribe her to come downstairs. Then tonight I noticed she peed a little bit next to her crate. I did not leave her for more than 2-3 hours at a time today and she goes several hours at a time without peeing at home. What gives? Anyone have insight into dog behavior as to why this might happen? Because apparently my brother found a pee spot last time after we left, too. :-( She's usually such a good dog, but I guess she's really accustomed to her routines maybe.
This afternoon, I met my family for lunch and they gave me a few gifts for my birthday, which was nice. I need to decide whether I will get a pedicure or a massage tomorrow - which would you choose? Very much looking forward to it! And I was also given a pair of workout/running shoes and nice dress that goes well with boots. Then I spent some time with my Mom driving around running errands and chatting. She was a little altered by the pain medicine, but I was really happy to have the opportunity to hang out with her.
My sister, brother, sis-in-law, nieces and nephew and I finished the day going to a Duck basketball game, which they won in overtime to Santa Barbara (non-conference game). Rode home in the back seat between my nephew, E, an oldest niece, J, laughing and singing Christmas carols. A very full and fun-filled day!
12/15/2014
Christmas is coming...
My birthday is tomorrow. It is also the last day of my class. I am giving a Final (no fun) but also buying cookies as a treat for my students and kind of to celebrate my birthday. Tomorrow night, I plan to attend my InterPlay theatre group and maybe go for a drink with a couple friends afterwards. Then, Wednesday, I am going out with a small group of friends to a birthday dinner at a cool looking Italian restaurant in my new town of Alameda. After dinner, the plan is for a hot beverage, Christmas lights, and maybe even a little caroling. In this moment, it feels like too much to do activities on both Tuesday and Wednesday, but I am going to go with the flow - it's my intention to do that more - and trust it will all work out.
Wednesday and Thursday are days to wrap presents, make hot fudge, and grade Finals. Then, the plan is to drive up to Oregon Friday if the weather cooperates. I am also fine with waiting until Saturday but hope I don't have to wait any longer than that. I gave Zoey an early birthday gift of a dog bed, which she LOVES. She had been using a smaller pink dog bed I got her when she was a puppy but it had become too old and worn out. Plus this one is more comfy. She looks so cute in it, doesn't she?
One of my Christmas gifts this year is a recording of an interview I did with my Grandma and Grandpa, about 10 years ago. If you remember, my Grandpa passed away last year and my Grandma passed away a couple years before that. As I mentioned, they were like second parents to me, and my Grandma and I were especially close. The interview reminded of me of that, of how comfortable we were together and how we just "got" and accepted each other. A wonderful feeling that I miss dearly.
I appreciate having the interview to remember but had been afraid to listen to it for fear the tape would break. I finally had it made into CDs and am giving copies to my aunt and uncle and cousins. I think they will like hearing it, even though it a bit slanted towards me and my Mom (birth mom), since I was the one doing the interviewing. My Grandma cries once during the interview talking about my Mom - it's amazing how the grief over losing my Mom seemed to stay with her and my Grandpa for their whole lives. Of course, that was one thing that we shared (the loss of my mom) and likely added to our closeness.
Though my Mom (step mom) and I don't really talk - I've reached out but she doesn't seem to want to connect right now - I have been thinking of her often and sending prayers. I have also done a couple of things "in her honor," like the care package I sent a while back, recently hanging the art tiles they gave me last Christmas in my new bedroom, and getting the special Campbell's Soup napkins (my Grandpa worked for Campbell's Soup) hemmed that she was going to finish but couldn't because of nerve damage in her fingers due to her treatments. I also bought all the supplies to make her a special Christmas card, and I hope I can find the time and energy to complete it. I guess I can work on it in Oregon if need be, but I know from experience how difficult it can be to get stuff done there. If I leave on Saturday, maybe I can get it done Friday. Anyway, I'm trying to do more practical actions "for her," if that makes sense, because I want to at least be doing something.
I am really worried that they will be telling us bad news when I go home. My brother asked my dad about the scan my mom was going to get to see if the immunotherapy treatment was working, and he said it had been rescheduled or something. Then my mom and dad left for a trip to Arizona, which seems kind of odd timing. So, I'm scared but want to be as present and loving as I can be through whatever happens. Of course, I am also looking forward to seeing everyone and spending time with my nieces and nephew.
Well, I better go put the finishing touches on my Final. Sending good wishes to you all.
Wednesday and Thursday are days to wrap presents, make hot fudge, and grade Finals. Then, the plan is to drive up to Oregon Friday if the weather cooperates. I am also fine with waiting until Saturday but hope I don't have to wait any longer than that. I gave Zoey an early birthday gift of a dog bed, which she LOVES. She had been using a smaller pink dog bed I got her when she was a puppy but it had become too old and worn out. Plus this one is more comfy. She looks so cute in it, doesn't she?
One of my Christmas gifts this year is a recording of an interview I did with my Grandma and Grandpa, about 10 years ago. If you remember, my Grandpa passed away last year and my Grandma passed away a couple years before that. As I mentioned, they were like second parents to me, and my Grandma and I were especially close. The interview reminded of me of that, of how comfortable we were together and how we just "got" and accepted each other. A wonderful feeling that I miss dearly.
I appreciate having the interview to remember but had been afraid to listen to it for fear the tape would break. I finally had it made into CDs and am giving copies to my aunt and uncle and cousins. I think they will like hearing it, even though it a bit slanted towards me and my Mom (birth mom), since I was the one doing the interviewing. My Grandma cries once during the interview talking about my Mom - it's amazing how the grief over losing my Mom seemed to stay with her and my Grandpa for their whole lives. Of course, that was one thing that we shared (the loss of my mom) and likely added to our closeness.
Though my Mom (step mom) and I don't really talk - I've reached out but she doesn't seem to want to connect right now - I have been thinking of her often and sending prayers. I have also done a couple of things "in her honor," like the care package I sent a while back, recently hanging the art tiles they gave me last Christmas in my new bedroom, and getting the special Campbell's Soup napkins (my Grandpa worked for Campbell's Soup) hemmed that she was going to finish but couldn't because of nerve damage in her fingers due to her treatments. I also bought all the supplies to make her a special Christmas card, and I hope I can find the time and energy to complete it. I guess I can work on it in Oregon if need be, but I know from experience how difficult it can be to get stuff done there. If I leave on Saturday, maybe I can get it done Friday. Anyway, I'm trying to do more practical actions "for her," if that makes sense, because I want to at least be doing something.
I am really worried that they will be telling us bad news when I go home. My brother asked my dad about the scan my mom was going to get to see if the immunotherapy treatment was working, and he said it had been rescheduled or something. Then my mom and dad left for a trip to Arizona, which seems kind of odd timing. So, I'm scared but want to be as present and loving as I can be through whatever happens. Of course, I am also looking forward to seeing everyone and spending time with my nieces and nephew.
Well, I better go put the finishing touches on my Final. Sending good wishes to you all.
10/05/2014
Drama! or "Combining Households is No Joke"
Hello All and Happy Sunday!
I am procrastinating working on my lesson plan for Tuesday (though some thought and research has been put into it already), which is an important one as I'm being "observed" (Judged. Ach!). The woman who is coming to observe me is kind, though, and I think more easy going than the one last year. Last year's class observation was actually not a problem or "triggering" for me for whatever reason, though - it was the one-on-one appointment. You can't plan those out; you just roll with whatever the student brings you. I will have a different observer for that portion than for the class, and she is also kind and more easy going than last year's. She has been at the college for a long time, however, and is detail-oriented. Think "kind school marm" type. I am focusing on doing the best I can and detaching from the outcome. Please send me good luck!
On to this week's exciting and dramatic installment of the moving process! It continues, albeit slowly and with many stops and starts. More kitchen packing has happened this week with the much appreciated help of a friend, but my stuff is all still here at the old place. I will begin living in the new place Sunday night, after my furniture makes the transition in the u-haul that day. Zoey has visited the new place twice now. The second time was last Friday, and she met the two dogs, which I will talk about in more detail in a little bit. It was intense, and I made it more intense by my subconscious resistance to moving...
Yes, my fears have continued to come up at times, imagining potential negative impacts on Zoey with the environment change and meeting new dogs, and whether my stuff will even fit in the new place. We have been quite sheltered here in a way, which has been both positive and negative. I may have mentioned that living here three and half years is the longest I have lived anywhere as an adult, which shows how transitory my life has been, but my main point is that I really settled in to this place. Even though the new neighborhood will have people I know - more than I realized - and will be walkable with many great places to eat and hang out (much more than the old neighborhood), it is still hard to let go of the old comforts.
One great thing about my old place has been the backyard - the raised beds with lots of garden goodies, the fruit trees and berries, and the expansive feeling to it. The new place has a backyard that is nice enough. It's enclosed for the dogs, smaller but not tiny, and has a lovely tree and bench to sit. But it's not as open and "lush" feeling. Not as great for Zoey to run around in. I have sat a lot at the kitchen table here, looking out into the yard, so it's been a big part of my day-to-day environment. I have enjoyed meditating in the yard and sitting in the sun, reading. But part of why I have spent so much time there, as well as on my couch in the living room, is that the neighborhood is not a great place to walk and hang out. So I think what I'm losing in backyard may be made up in neighborhood beauty and expansiveness, if that makes sense. If I have talked about this already, I'm sorry. It really helps to talk about all this - apparently more than once! lol
In any case, because of my fears, I have had my brakes on to some extent in relation to the move, without meaning to do so. Normally, I would have checked in with my new housemate, J, to confirm when we were meeting Friday, but I kind of "forgot" about it and thus avoided the feelings. I worked out Friday and was running errands when J texted asking where I was. I let him know I was out running errands and would call soon. When I got home, I grabbed Zoey and called to say I was headed over there. As a side note, we had never agreed on a time, but J had "assumed" a time based on me saying I wanted to avoid traffic, and he hadn't checked in with me to confirm either...
In any case, J was quite frustrated, which I didn't find out until later when he had a minor meltdown. It was so strange - I was feeling guilty for being super anxious about the dogs and making things worse, so I laid a hand on his arm trying to ease tension and said something about how we are just getting to know each other, too. Well, I guess that opened a door for him to communicate, and "communicate" he did. His emotions and frustrations kind of caught me off guard. I may have mentioned his partner and he lived in this house for 10 years or so before the partner passed away last year, so there's that in addition to J having never been a landlord before and feeling unsure about how to handle some of the details. Also, he apparently needs to have a renter in asap for financial reasons, which I am just finding out. I can see my reticence and anxiety were adding to his insecurity.
So, bottom line, he has his own "stuff" going on, which I added to and triggered on Friday. I imagined for a minute the whole situation might just blow up and was thinking, "Oh my God, where will I go? I'll have to call my friend Elizabeth." But luckily, we hung in there and were able to talk through it. Then we spent some time moving furniture around and putting up curtains in my new room, as well as discussing how to combine our household items, which helped us to connect and make things more real. Whew! And that was just the "people" dynamics...
The dogs were a whole nother layer! We took Zoey on short walks with each of the other dogs. The smaller one, a 6-year-old chihuahua mix named Moses, was first and it went okay except for a couple barking/lunging episodes from Moses. Zoey does not tend to be submissive with other dogs, nor does Moses, who seems to have a bit of "small dog syndrome." Meeting the second dog, a larger terrier mix named Rudy, was super smooth - both dogs sniffed butts and walked along fine together, no reactions. Granted, Rudy is 13 years old and very mellow. Then, J wanted to throw all the dogs in the backyard off-leash, but I put the kabosh on that, due to Moses' reactivity earlier. We tried introducing the two of them again on leash at the side of the house but Moses barked/snarled/lunged. Argh! J thought it was because I had treats, and he hadn't had dinner yet.
So, Moses got fed, the two other dogs were put in backyard (Z was in house) - that's when the big convo between J and I took place - then Rudy somehow slipped in the dog door while we were putting up curtains (he's never done that before)! Z and Rudy were again super fine and mellow together. Then we decided J would get on the floor with those two, with a plan that I would let in the little one and if there were any reactions between him and Z, he would grab one and stand up. I let Moses in the back door and quickly walked to the other end of the house, practicing my detachment. I listened for reactions... nothing... J yelled over that everything was fine! Thank God. Little Moses got up on his bed in the chair, and the other two dogs just walked around the house with us. At the end, Moses got down and was walking around too, so I think we got through the hardest part, knock on wood. I hope to move boxes over Wednesday and/or Friday, before moving the furniture Sunday.
Yikes, here we go!
I am procrastinating working on my lesson plan for Tuesday (though some thought and research has been put into it already), which is an important one as I'm being "observed" (Judged. Ach!). The woman who is coming to observe me is kind, though, and I think more easy going than the one last year. Last year's class observation was actually not a problem or "triggering" for me for whatever reason, though - it was the one-on-one appointment. You can't plan those out; you just roll with whatever the student brings you. I will have a different observer for that portion than for the class, and she is also kind and more easy going than last year's. She has been at the college for a long time, however, and is detail-oriented. Think "kind school marm" type. I am focusing on doing the best I can and detaching from the outcome. Please send me good luck!
On to this week's exciting and dramatic installment of the moving process! It continues, albeit slowly and with many stops and starts. More kitchen packing has happened this week with the much appreciated help of a friend, but my stuff is all still here at the old place. I will begin living in the new place Sunday night, after my furniture makes the transition in the u-haul that day. Zoey has visited the new place twice now. The second time was last Friday, and she met the two dogs, which I will talk about in more detail in a little bit. It was intense, and I made it more intense by my subconscious resistance to moving...
Yes, my fears have continued to come up at times, imagining potential negative impacts on Zoey with the environment change and meeting new dogs, and whether my stuff will even fit in the new place. We have been quite sheltered here in a way, which has been both positive and negative. I may have mentioned that living here three and half years is the longest I have lived anywhere as an adult, which shows how transitory my life has been, but my main point is that I really settled in to this place. Even though the new neighborhood will have people I know - more than I realized - and will be walkable with many great places to eat and hang out (much more than the old neighborhood), it is still hard to let go of the old comforts.
One great thing about my old place has been the backyard - the raised beds with lots of garden goodies, the fruit trees and berries, and the expansive feeling to it. The new place has a backyard that is nice enough. It's enclosed for the dogs, smaller but not tiny, and has a lovely tree and bench to sit. But it's not as open and "lush" feeling. Not as great for Zoey to run around in. I have sat a lot at the kitchen table here, looking out into the yard, so it's been a big part of my day-to-day environment. I have enjoyed meditating in the yard and sitting in the sun, reading. But part of why I have spent so much time there, as well as on my couch in the living room, is that the neighborhood is not a great place to walk and hang out. So I think what I'm losing in backyard may be made up in neighborhood beauty and expansiveness, if that makes sense. If I have talked about this already, I'm sorry. It really helps to talk about all this - apparently more than once! lol
In any case, because of my fears, I have had my brakes on to some extent in relation to the move, without meaning to do so. Normally, I would have checked in with my new housemate, J, to confirm when we were meeting Friday, but I kind of "forgot" about it and thus avoided the feelings. I worked out Friday and was running errands when J texted asking where I was. I let him know I was out running errands and would call soon. When I got home, I grabbed Zoey and called to say I was headed over there. As a side note, we had never agreed on a time, but J had "assumed" a time based on me saying I wanted to avoid traffic, and he hadn't checked in with me to confirm either...
In any case, J was quite frustrated, which I didn't find out until later when he had a minor meltdown. It was so strange - I was feeling guilty for being super anxious about the dogs and making things worse, so I laid a hand on his arm trying to ease tension and said something about how we are just getting to know each other, too. Well, I guess that opened a door for him to communicate, and "communicate" he did. His emotions and frustrations kind of caught me off guard. I may have mentioned his partner and he lived in this house for 10 years or so before the partner passed away last year, so there's that in addition to J having never been a landlord before and feeling unsure about how to handle some of the details. Also, he apparently needs to have a renter in asap for financial reasons, which I am just finding out. I can see my reticence and anxiety were adding to his insecurity.
So, bottom line, he has his own "stuff" going on, which I added to and triggered on Friday. I imagined for a minute the whole situation might just blow up and was thinking, "Oh my God, where will I go? I'll have to call my friend Elizabeth." But luckily, we hung in there and were able to talk through it. Then we spent some time moving furniture around and putting up curtains in my new room, as well as discussing how to combine our household items, which helped us to connect and make things more real. Whew! And that was just the "people" dynamics...
The dogs were a whole nother layer! We took Zoey on short walks with each of the other dogs. The smaller one, a 6-year-old chihuahua mix named Moses, was first and it went okay except for a couple barking/lunging episodes from Moses. Zoey does not tend to be submissive with other dogs, nor does Moses, who seems to have a bit of "small dog syndrome." Meeting the second dog, a larger terrier mix named Rudy, was super smooth - both dogs sniffed butts and walked along fine together, no reactions. Granted, Rudy is 13 years old and very mellow. Then, J wanted to throw all the dogs in the backyard off-leash, but I put the kabosh on that, due to Moses' reactivity earlier. We tried introducing the two of them again on leash at the side of the house but Moses barked/snarled/lunged. Argh! J thought it was because I had treats, and he hadn't had dinner yet.
So, Moses got fed, the two other dogs were put in backyard (Z was in house) - that's when the big convo between J and I took place - then Rudy somehow slipped in the dog door while we were putting up curtains (he's never done that before)! Z and Rudy were again super fine and mellow together. Then we decided J would get on the floor with those two, with a plan that I would let in the little one and if there were any reactions between him and Z, he would grab one and stand up. I let Moses in the back door and quickly walked to the other end of the house, practicing my detachment. I listened for reactions... nothing... J yelled over that everything was fine! Thank God. Little Moses got up on his bed in the chair, and the other two dogs just walked around the house with us. At the end, Moses got down and was walking around too, so I think we got through the hardest part, knock on wood. I hope to move boxes over Wednesday and/or Friday, before moving the furniture Sunday.
Yikes, here we go!
9/20/2014
Weekend Update
My friend was supposed to come help me pack up my room today, but she got food poisoning and had to cancel. :( So, I suppose I should jump into the task myself, but that's why I welcomed her help - because it's easier to accomplish with moral support (and a kick in the butt). The move date of October 3rd is fast approaching!
I did spend several hours today making my famous "Eggplant Enchiladas" from the Moosewood Cookbook, as well as cooking up a few potatoes I had in the fridge into a yummy onion/garlic/cheese/mushroom potato skillet dish. Taking a break and then going to work out. I have been going three times a week pretty consistently.
Yesterday, I finally bought a decent yoga-type workout shirt and pants, so I don't feel so ratty. I also bought a short-sleeve t-shirt dress with lightweight leather-type material (pleather?) on the sleeves, which I think will look cute with my boots. I so rarely buy clothes these days, it felt good to get something new.
On Thursday, I took Zoey over to the new house to meet J (my new housemate) and start getting a feel for the place. The two dogs - one belonging to J and one to his boyfriend - stayed in the backyard. We are trying to do things incrementally, so the next step will be to meet one or both of the dogs on neutral territory like a park and/or on a walk. Honestly, I am pretty anxious about it. Even though I've had Zoey for a couple years now, I am no expert on dog behavior, and she hasn't spent much time socializing with other dogs. She loves people, but the experiences she's had meeting dogs on walks have been mixed. Sometimes great and other times, she gets jumpy and they bark. The worst instance was with another Boston who started growling and then they tangled up leashes and went 'round and 'round in circles growling/snarling. I thought they were going to kill each other but no biting actually happened. Oh and then I tried to arrange a playdate with another male Boston and Zoey growled and snarled at him when he got up in her space. I've since learned I shouldn't have introduced them on her "turf," and also this dog was a scrappy-looking rescue dog who lived with two pit-bulls, so I don't think his behavior was great.
Anyway, I feel so responsible for her and don't want her hurt in anyway. But I don't think my anxiety helps the situation sometimes! At least we are trying to be conscious and follow the "expert's" advice on how to introduce dogs for the first time. Fingers crossed! I think if she is able to acclimate with the other dogs, it could be really fun for her to have playmates.
On the people front, J and I went to a play together a week or so ago, as well as talking more during the Thursday visit... Remember what I said about him being an actor and extrovert and sometimes dominating the conversation? Well, it has unfortunately been the case. He is a really sweet guy and has had a hard time with his partner passing away last year. But I am not really interested in being a "groupie" or playing his audience all the time, you know? He seems to love to "hold court" and expound on any number of subjects, seeking attention and sympathy whenever possible.
When I was there Thursday, he asked about a date I had the week prior, and I had just begun to share about it when he jumped in and started talking about how he and his partner met in their church community and why it was such a great way to meet, etc. I tried to pick up the thread I had started to talk about when he interrupted again with a raised voice and further explained his point of view. Argh! I'm trying to cut him slack because I imagine any talk about dating and relationships might bring up intense feelings for him around the loss of his partner, but I do like to be heard and seen in a conversation, as well. Not sure if he will be around enough - as mentioned, he will be spending a lot of time at his new partner's house - but I may need to make a request of some sort if it continues? We will see, but it was the first time I felt a twinge of nervous "Buyer's Remorse" about my new living situation...
Off to work out! Hope you are all enjoying your Saturdays!
8/16/2014
Transition Time
Sorry for the downer posts lately... it's a "transition time" for me, as they say. Moving for me right now seems to be a big deal. On multiple levels, it means my life is shifting and changing, and much of the landscape where I will end up is unknown.
As an introvert, my home is my refuge. I need to have a safe and private place to recharge and relax. I don't know if I can find that with the friend with whom I was recently looking for housing. She is a kind and good person, but also an extravert and seems to "spin out" with anxiety and frenetic talking regularly. I am somewhat of an anxious person myself, and I think this might interfere with me finding the calm relaxation I need at home.
As an aside: the two places I mentioned before were a big disappointment. The "urban treehouse" was rundown and dark and the backyard would be a hazard for the dog, in addition to me and the owner and potential housemate not clicking well. With regard to the other one in Alb@ny, the woman was a semi-hoarder and the place had piles everywhere, was not clean, and had a large, albeit nice, dog lying all over the furniture. :(
I'm going to two open-houses tomorrow; one would involve living with three other people, and the other, seven people. Even three other people feels like a stretch. Ideally, I would like to live with one or maybe two other people. But I don't have all the time in the world to find a place. "All the time in the world" meaning more than two weeks! And my girl, Zoey, adds to the challenge of finding a place, as apartment living without a yard would be a much lower quality of life for her.
There is the option of living with my friend for a month, which I may do but would mean more chaos and stress in terms of transitioning. Better to do that though, I think, than move into a place that doesn't feel good enough to live in long term. I do NOT want to end up needing to move again in a few months - been there, done that, when I talked myself into a situation that didn't feel right in the past.
So, I'm trying to hang in there and continue to take it one step at a time, having faith that something will fall into place. I also notice that my maximum rent level seems to be inching up two or three hundred dollars, as most places I'm seeing that sound great are in a higher range. I may regret not standing firm in my upper limit, but then again, it may push me to earn more money - maybe get my career counseling business going.
The other major change is in terms of social structure. As I said, I have met a lot of my needs for connection and meaningful conversation through time over meals with my housemate. That's all of a sudden gone now, and I guess I'm hoping that my next living situation will include someone with whom I feel comfortable and can have these kinds of conversations.
Meanwhile, I'm binge-watching "Or@nge is the New Bl@ck," which is sooo good. And so distracting. Right now, I MUST begin working on my syllabus for the class that starts next week. So. hard. to. motivate.
Part of my stuck-ness is emotion around my mom's illness, as well. My brother delivered bad news a few days ago that the cancer is now confirmed in her lungs, much lowering hope of recovery. This punctured the bubble of hope I was maintaining. I have cried once, but a kind of heavy sadness seems to be hanging over me. I don't know what I should do, if anything. They live too far away to help in practical ways. I need to call but am kind of dreading that, as it will make it more real. The whole situation bring up a lot of existential questioning for me, which doesn't seem very productive.
Thanks for listening. Hopefully, my next post will bring better news and a new outlook.
As an introvert, my home is my refuge. I need to have a safe and private place to recharge and relax. I don't know if I can find that with the friend with whom I was recently looking for housing. She is a kind and good person, but also an extravert and seems to "spin out" with anxiety and frenetic talking regularly. I am somewhat of an anxious person myself, and I think this might interfere with me finding the calm relaxation I need at home.
As an aside: the two places I mentioned before were a big disappointment. The "urban treehouse" was rundown and dark and the backyard would be a hazard for the dog, in addition to me and the owner and potential housemate not clicking well. With regard to the other one in Alb@ny, the woman was a semi-hoarder and the place had piles everywhere, was not clean, and had a large, albeit nice, dog lying all over the furniture. :(
I'm going to two open-houses tomorrow; one would involve living with three other people, and the other, seven people. Even three other people feels like a stretch. Ideally, I would like to live with one or maybe two other people. But I don't have all the time in the world to find a place. "All the time in the world" meaning more than two weeks! And my girl, Zoey, adds to the challenge of finding a place, as apartment living without a yard would be a much lower quality of life for her.
There is the option of living with my friend for a month, which I may do but would mean more chaos and stress in terms of transitioning. Better to do that though, I think, than move into a place that doesn't feel good enough to live in long term. I do NOT want to end up needing to move again in a few months - been there, done that, when I talked myself into a situation that didn't feel right in the past.
So, I'm trying to hang in there and continue to take it one step at a time, having faith that something will fall into place. I also notice that my maximum rent level seems to be inching up two or three hundred dollars, as most places I'm seeing that sound great are in a higher range. I may regret not standing firm in my upper limit, but then again, it may push me to earn more money - maybe get my career counseling business going.
The other major change is in terms of social structure. As I said, I have met a lot of my needs for connection and meaningful conversation through time over meals with my housemate. That's all of a sudden gone now, and I guess I'm hoping that my next living situation will include someone with whom I feel comfortable and can have these kinds of conversations.
Meanwhile, I'm binge-watching "Or@nge is the New Bl@ck," which is sooo good. And so distracting. Right now, I MUST begin working on my syllabus for the class that starts next week. So. hard. to. motivate.
Part of my stuck-ness is emotion around my mom's illness, as well. My brother delivered bad news a few days ago that the cancer is now confirmed in her lungs, much lowering hope of recovery. This punctured the bubble of hope I was maintaining. I have cried once, but a kind of heavy sadness seems to be hanging over me. I don't know what I should do, if anything. They live too far away to help in practical ways. I need to call but am kind of dreading that, as it will make it more real. The whole situation bring up a lot of existential questioning for me, which doesn't seem very productive.
Thanks for listening. Hopefully, my next post will bring better news and a new outlook.
1/01/2014
Happy New Year 2014! Trip updates and happenings with men...
HAPPY NEW YEAR! I hope you all had a fun and/or meaningful and/or relaxing NYE. I went to a family-friendly, dress up karaoke party at my friend's house, which ended up being a good time.
My few days in Oregon went well, but my dad shared some news the first day I was back that gave me, and the rest of my family, a jolt. You can skip this part if you would prefer not to hear bad news at this time.
Basically, my step-mom recently found out that she has breast cancer. While it is apparently aggressive, it seems they think it is likely isolated and can be treated with several months of chemotherapy to shrink the tumor. They are doing further testing and will be able to confirm this in the next week or two, so please say a prayer for her to receive positive news (isolated tumor, very treatable, manageable) if you are willing.
My dad seems to be handling things fairly well, as far as I can tell. He has been thinking about how he can support her in this journey and talking to her about that. He is obviously afraid but seems present to what is happening and available to help her. It was moving to me to talk to him about it. As you might remember, my birth mother died from breast cancer when I was four (I have often said I believe she would have survived if diagnosed today), so this has got to be bring up a lot for him.
It does occur to me that it should bring up a lot for me, too... perhaps it is and I'm not conscious of it yet, but I do think my reaction is influenced by not having a close relationship with her, growing up or now. I love her and deeply want her to heal from this, but it's from a bit more of a distance than if we were very close, if that makes sense. In any case, it's a big thing we are going through as a family, and I appreciate your prayers.
Despite this difficult news, my visit there was a good one overall. Of course, I spent time playing with my awesome niece and nephew, and trying to play with the one-year-old niece, as well, but she is still very attached to her mom and dad. I was also able to spend time with an older cousin and her three-year-old adopted Korean son. He is a friendly little guy, and we bonded quickly, as my cousin and I reminisced and shared family secrets. Since I don't have siblings my age, it's nice to have a cousin I spent time with growing up, including on trips to Japan and Europe (we were sent on these trips by my grandparents in our teens).
Traveling with Zoey for the first time without S went remarkably well. We stopped and went on walks every couple of hours and she integrated a bit more with the family - not actually running around but being in her crate and going on walks with me and various family members. My nephew is still fearful of dogs, but I think he is slowly warming up to her and working through his fear; he was very curious and was able to go on walks with her and pet her back. My niece Jayne loved playing chase with her.
On what might be a surprising note, since returning from Oregon, I have gone on one date (a walk around the lake and coffee) and have another one scheduled for tomorrow evening. The first one won't likely lead to anything further, as the attraction wasn't really there, but it was quite pleasant. I have hopes for the second one as he is "deep" - finishing a graduate program in transpersonal counseling - and seems attractive from his pictures. I will let you know how it goes.
Nothing much to report on with S and our odd break-up... we are meeting again around the 10th to finally exchange Christmas presents. It frustrated me, as I mentioned, that he told me of that trip he was taking on his way out of town, and then it was further frustrating when he insisted on waiting until after the 10th (following his meeting with the counselor) to exchange presents... but at the same time, perhaps we both really did need space.
Honestly, I have doubts at this point that we will be able to shift our dynamic to one that works for me. Never say never, but we have been through so much and tried so hard, and something really big would need to change. These recent experiences remind me of how he thinks and communicates, which feels unpredictable and not supportive of the intimacy I desire.
Today, I am grateful for the relaxed, unplanned time. I ordered the book for my class and once it gets here - let's hope soon! - I will jump into active planning mode. My surgery is still scheduled for January 31st, but I am not sure how that will work with my class and needing to take the following week off. I wrote an email to my new supervisor giving her a heads up and asking how I might handle it. But today I am pushing all that from my mind and enjoying the free time. Hope you are, as well! :-)
11/01/2013
Halloween and Moving Forward
Thank you for your feedback and support around my and S's difficulties. I really appreciated receiving your comments. We have come back from the brink. In huge news, he has recognized and admitted that he has a lot of anger from childhood (perhaps exacerbated by issues in his marriages), and it comes out in vastly disproportionate ways in our relationship. He is working with our counselor around some acceptance and healing work, which will hopefully lead to having a healthier relationship with the anger and more skill in expressing feelings.
On my side of the aisle, I see that I was the one that opened the door to breaking up by bringing up this possibility in the heat of some of our recent arguments. In the moment, I felt completely overwhelmed and part of me DID want to get away from him, but in the big picture, it's not what I want. So, I'm instituting a self-imposed moratorium on break-up language, and am also working to be more present when conflict comes up, versus deflecting it or getting defensive. I get scared this means I'll be trampled on but am trying to remember being present doesn't mean being a doormat. Ideally, I want to be present for both myself AND for him - trying to acknowledge his experience, while not taking in the shame part.
Enough of the super heavy and deep stuff for this post. We had a fun Halloween evening! I raced home from work but still missed most of the trick-or-treaters, I think. :( I handed out candy to a few groups, including one gaggle of teens, just as we were leaving. For some reason, the teens were endearing to me, and I was glad to end the candy-giving time with them. Then, we went out for Halloween drinks and had some enjoyable conversation about the deep stuff going on with him and with us. We came back to my place afterwards and goofed around - watching TV and doing computer and household stuff in a tipsy state for a while - then had a nice sleepover.
We have a birthday party to attend tomorrow night, church Sunday morning, and hopefully continued dance lessons Sunday night. S is somewhat reticent because he has a lot of writing work on his plate, but I really want to keep up our dance progression. I think it adds to the fun and romance of our relationship, which is vital.
Quick ttc check-in... I'm starting to wean myself off of the DHEA/Metformin and am pretty much throwing in the towel on my own eggs. I'm not sure the grief around this has hit me yet, but I do feel we gave it some really good tries here at the end. Last week, I talked to someone at CA Conceptions, and that program sounds promising on the donor embryo front. Continuing to do research. In the meanwhile, I'm taking action to get my large fibroid (and likely the smaller one too) outside my uterus removed. I have a consult in two or three weeks with the same surgeon I met with previously and will hopefully get the surgery before Christmas.
I'll end with pictures of Zoey in yet another Halloween costume that didn't fit! In the second picture, you can see she has a couple white bumps on her left eyebrow. She's had them for a few days and I'm keeping an eye on them. If they don't improve soon, I'll take her in to the vet. Any idea what they might be? I'm thinking either bug bites or a reaction to a poison oak-type plant.
On my side of the aisle, I see that I was the one that opened the door to breaking up by bringing up this possibility in the heat of some of our recent arguments. In the moment, I felt completely overwhelmed and part of me DID want to get away from him, but in the big picture, it's not what I want. So, I'm instituting a self-imposed moratorium on break-up language, and am also working to be more present when conflict comes up, versus deflecting it or getting defensive. I get scared this means I'll be trampled on but am trying to remember being present doesn't mean being a doormat. Ideally, I want to be present for both myself AND for him - trying to acknowledge his experience, while not taking in the shame part.
Enough of the super heavy and deep stuff for this post. We had a fun Halloween evening! I raced home from work but still missed most of the trick-or-treaters, I think. :( I handed out candy to a few groups, including one gaggle of teens, just as we were leaving. For some reason, the teens were endearing to me, and I was glad to end the candy-giving time with them. Then, we went out for Halloween drinks and had some enjoyable conversation about the deep stuff going on with him and with us. We came back to my place afterwards and goofed around - watching TV and doing computer and household stuff in a tipsy state for a while - then had a nice sleepover.
We have a birthday party to attend tomorrow night, church Sunday morning, and hopefully continued dance lessons Sunday night. S is somewhat reticent because he has a lot of writing work on his plate, but I really want to keep up our dance progression. I think it adds to the fun and romance of our relationship, which is vital.
Quick ttc check-in... I'm starting to wean myself off of the DHEA/Metformin and am pretty much throwing in the towel on my own eggs. I'm not sure the grief around this has hit me yet, but I do feel we gave it some really good tries here at the end. Last week, I talked to someone at CA Conceptions, and that program sounds promising on the donor embryo front. Continuing to do research. In the meanwhile, I'm taking action to get my large fibroid (and likely the smaller one too) outside my uterus removed. I have a consult in two or three weeks with the same surgeon I met with previously and will hopefully get the surgery before Christmas.
I'll end with pictures of Zoey in yet another Halloween costume that didn't fit! In the second picture, you can see she has a couple white bumps on her left eyebrow. She's had them for a few days and I'm keeping an eye on them. If they don't improve soon, I'll take her in to the vet. Any idea what they might be? I'm thinking either bug bites or a reaction to a poison oak-type plant.
6/24/2013
Roller Coaster Weekend and TTC Report
S and I had a jam-packed weekend with some ups... and some downs.
I'll get the downs over with: Sunday afternoon was pretty much all down. It had a the potential to be fun, but in reality, not so much. We took BART down to the Giant's game and had a small fight on the way. We were both stressed (he about his e-book, which is being impacted by Obama's climate change announcement, and me I don't know, maybe about the crappy weather? I was just in a mood.). It was one of those dumb little fights about something someone says that hurts the other one's feelings or "triggers" them in some way.
We got past that, exited BART, and actually had a fun little adventure riding in a behind-a-bike cart to the stadium. Once we sat down, things were fine for a while - drinking beer, eating hot dogs, etc. - until I said a snipey comment that got S upset again. Basically, I was a little irritable to begin with, as mentioned, and S was in his "jovial" social mode - which is great, but yesterday was just making me more irritable, I'm embarrassed to admit.
So, when S mentioned in conversation with his brother that I had been in the marching band in high school, I said something like, "That's a random comment!" S was just trying to be nice and give me kudos, but my snipey self popped out. I immediately apologized quietly to him and tried to smooth it over, but he was bothered and then brought it up again about 45 minutes later. I thought at that point we had moved past it, so I was upset to learn he'd been stewing on it for so long. Then, because people returned to their seats, we sat there in tension for a while before finally having an opportunity to talk about it again. It just sucked to be in an already somewhat tense situation hanging out with family members I don't know well, and then to have S mad at me. I ended up losing it and crying when we were almost home.
We did have a good conversation about it, which is something I really value about S and I (our ability to talk things through and try to grow), but I was worn out by that point. Unfortunately, we had to pull ourselves together and head off to an evening commitment with a group - some friends and some new acquaintances - who are talking about forming an intentional community together. I was leading exercises and basically co-facilitating, so I needed to be there. I freshened myself up a bit, grabbed some apricots off the tree for the potluck, and we headed out. It ended up being a good meeting so I'm glad we went. S and I ended the evening with some pre-O, make-up baby dancing, so the day was not a complete flop. ;-)
The ups mostly happened on Saturday: We first drove down to Santa Cruz for this event called "Woodies on the Wharf," which is a festival of old wood-paneled cars and surfboards. S's dad is actually a famous old-school surfboard maker so he was carving a board and talking to fans.
We took Zoey, which was CRAZY with that many people. At first, I was super stressed out and regretting it, but it seemed like she mellowed a lot as we went along. Our stop to eat and relax, while she was tethered to our table, helped out a lot. She greedily gulped down water - it was a hot day - and even got to meet another Boston named "Bernie." It was so cute to see them interacting, as he was older and liked meeting her but would growl a bit to put her puppy shenanigans in their place. I have to admit, it's a relief to hear that Boston's tend to settle down a bit every six months or so. I love Zoey, but she can afford some settling!
Anyway, we had a good time at the wharf, then had a beautiful drive up the coast to an activist friend's party in SF. The peeps there were generally younger, but nice, and we had a couple of drinks and snacks chatting and hanging out in the lovely little backyard. One of the guys was a skateboarder and was super impressed when he heard about S's Dad (their company made skateboards, too); I think that was a nice moment for S to answer questions and talk with him.
We headed home finally in time for me to give myself my second Menopur injection. S has helped me along, and tonight I think I'm ready to sail through it on my own. I'm using Q caps this time, which help so much! But adds a little bit in terms of needle switching. I have my next monitoring appointment on Wednesday, so fingers crossed that I have three or more lead follicles!
I guess it's clear by now that I had no cyst at the appointment on Friday. Unfortunately, not a lot of apparent antral follicles, either - maybe six - but I'm still hopeful. I apologized to the doc for being crabby on the phone about hearing the downer speech again, and he apologized, too, saying that sometimes he forgets who he's talked to about different subjects. Kinda funny.
He reiterated that there was a very low chance I could have gotten pregnant naturally, due to my curly-q cervix. He added that maybe one percent of S's swimmers might have gotten through. It's kind of sad to think back to all those months of trying naturally and how low the odds of success were. The thing is, I know a pregnancy started a couple of times, based on really clear symptoms/cycle differences, so I guess those were exceptional months of trying!
I'll let you know how the Wednesday appointment goes...
I'll get the downs over with: Sunday afternoon was pretty much all down. It had a the potential to be fun, but in reality, not so much. We took BART down to the Giant's game and had a small fight on the way. We were both stressed (he about his e-book, which is being impacted by Obama's climate change announcement, and me I don't know, maybe about the crappy weather? I was just in a mood.). It was one of those dumb little fights about something someone says that hurts the other one's feelings or "triggers" them in some way.
We got past that, exited BART, and actually had a fun little adventure riding in a behind-a-bike cart to the stadium. Once we sat down, things were fine for a while - drinking beer, eating hot dogs, etc. - until I said a snipey comment that got S upset again. Basically, I was a little irritable to begin with, as mentioned, and S was in his "jovial" social mode - which is great, but yesterday was just making me more irritable, I'm embarrassed to admit.
So, when S mentioned in conversation with his brother that I had been in the marching band in high school, I said something like, "That's a random comment!" S was just trying to be nice and give me kudos, but my snipey self popped out. I immediately apologized quietly to him and tried to smooth it over, but he was bothered and then brought it up again about 45 minutes later. I thought at that point we had moved past it, so I was upset to learn he'd been stewing on it for so long. Then, because people returned to their seats, we sat there in tension for a while before finally having an opportunity to talk about it again. It just sucked to be in an already somewhat tense situation hanging out with family members I don't know well, and then to have S mad at me. I ended up losing it and crying when we were almost home.
We did have a good conversation about it, which is something I really value about S and I (our ability to talk things through and try to grow), but I was worn out by that point. Unfortunately, we had to pull ourselves together and head off to an evening commitment with a group - some friends and some new acquaintances - who are talking about forming an intentional community together. I was leading exercises and basically co-facilitating, so I needed to be there. I freshened myself up a bit, grabbed some apricots off the tree for the potluck, and we headed out. It ended up being a good meeting so I'm glad we went. S and I ended the evening with some pre-O, make-up baby dancing, so the day was not a complete flop. ;-)
The ups mostly happened on Saturday: We first drove down to Santa Cruz for this event called "Woodies on the Wharf," which is a festival of old wood-paneled cars and surfboards. S's dad is actually a famous old-school surfboard maker so he was carving a board and talking to fans.
We took Zoey, which was CRAZY with that many people. At first, I was super stressed out and regretting it, but it seemed like she mellowed a lot as we went along. Our stop to eat and relax, while she was tethered to our table, helped out a lot. She greedily gulped down water - it was a hot day - and even got to meet another Boston named "Bernie." It was so cute to see them interacting, as he was older and liked meeting her but would growl a bit to put her puppy shenanigans in their place. I have to admit, it's a relief to hear that Boston's tend to settle down a bit every six months or so. I love Zoey, but she can afford some settling!
Anyway, we had a good time at the wharf, then had a beautiful drive up the coast to an activist friend's party in SF. The peeps there were generally younger, but nice, and we had a couple of drinks and snacks chatting and hanging out in the lovely little backyard. One of the guys was a skateboarder and was super impressed when he heard about S's Dad (their company made skateboards, too); I think that was a nice moment for S to answer questions and talk with him.
We headed home finally in time for me to give myself my second Menopur injection. S has helped me along, and tonight I think I'm ready to sail through it on my own. I'm using Q caps this time, which help so much! But adds a little bit in terms of needle switching. I have my next monitoring appointment on Wednesday, so fingers crossed that I have three or more lead follicles!
I guess it's clear by now that I had no cyst at the appointment on Friday. Unfortunately, not a lot of apparent antral follicles, either - maybe six - but I'm still hopeful. I apologized to the doc for being crabby on the phone about hearing the downer speech again, and he apologized, too, saying that sometimes he forgets who he's talked to about different subjects. Kinda funny.
He reiterated that there was a very low chance I could have gotten pregnant naturally, due to my curly-q cervix. He added that maybe one percent of S's swimmers might have gotten through. It's kind of sad to think back to all those months of trying naturally and how low the odds of success were. The thing is, I know a pregnancy started a couple of times, based on really clear symptoms/cycle differences, so I guess those were exceptional months of trying!
I'll let you know how the Wednesday appointment goes...
3/18/2013
Wine Tasting and Long-Due Relief
I guess I should backtrack at this point and explain how the ex conflict resolved itself.... Yes, we came to an agreement finally! I think I shared that in our final counseling session a couple of weeks ago, he agreed to respond to my email proposal that he talk to the ex every three or four months.
Now, I knew this wasn't going to be an acceptable offer... maybe that makes me an inexperienced negotiator. I was thinking that you propose what you ideally want even if it's off the chart of what you think they'll accept, and then they make a counter offer and maybe you go back and forth a couple of times.
Anyway, I think my initial offer was probably a bit too extreme, and he said later he felt like I was basically proposing he cut off all communication. So, after our session, he avoided responding for a few days, then came back with an email that said some reassuring and affirming things about his feelings and commitment to me, as well as offers of transparency (telling me about any contact) and talking to me before making any commitments (to help with something or whatever). He suggested, however, that communication frequency stay as is and fade gradually over time.
People, including my brother, advised that I might just accept this, but you know how sometimes you just know you can't tolerate something? Like you feel it physically - that it's just not right and you emotionally can't handle it? Well, that's how I felt. From my perspective, I had forgiven a lot in the past and "put up with" the anxiety around his ongoing connection to her more than I should have had to. I wanted him to prove that he could and would compromise to help me feel safe. So when he didn't give anything on the frequency, I balked and pulled back for a few days.
During this time, I did some serious reflection, including seeing a counselor once on my own to both get some empathy around the situation, but also gain more clarity about my own issues. I realized that I was trying to deny that he had deep care and concern for his ex-wife because that felt threatening. Well, as we all know, denying something does not make it untrue. So, I came to an uneasy acceptance of that, which felt like an important step.
Also, I acknowledged that I have never had a relationship longer than a couple of years, nor ever been married, so my experience and ability to truly understand his situation is limited. Finally, regarding my own fears, I received more normalization about my sex drive not being perpetually set to "on"; that it's okay and very common to not be in the mood sometimes. I think because S seems most often in the mood, and because of some previous dysfunctional patterns I had in relationship, I can feel like something is "wrong" if I don't feel raring to go all the time. This new perspective takes pressure off, and I was later able to talk with him about it in a healthy way.
In any case, when we came back together last Wednesday night to discuss things, I felt pretty self-connected. Our conversation started rocky and somewhat defensive, but after a while I had an outburst about my frustration around dealing with the situation for so long and wanting a loving relationship and the ability to trust and relax, etc., and why couldn't he give a little, even to two or three weeks (in communication frequency)? At which point, he finally let go of his stance and said that he could do two or three weeks (along with the other agreements). What a freakin' relief! It felt so good to come together, and I knew at that point that we were going to be okay.
So this weekend was a celebration of sorts, I guess, and a culmination of plans we had made a long time ago. We had great conversations about our activist plans around Key.stone XL, previous relationship history, the source of our wanting to become parents, and more, as well as just having lots of flirtation and relaxed fun. One of the wineries was beautiful. We hit it on a sunny day in the early afternoon and were able to take our last wine tasting out onto the property and walk around a bit. You can't beat that feeling! *Afterwards, there might have been some making out in the car. :)
We brought Zoey again and she did great, though she continues to not eat as much while we're away. I give her regular treats to supplement. We've perfected the art of playing ball in a hotel room!
Oh, and oddly, I think I ovulated on Saturday morning (Day 9 of the cycle starting when I went off BCPs for my surgery). My temp went up a bit that day and all the way up on Sunday. I may have missed the window, since we didn't BD until Saturday night, but fingers crossed, maybe it was just on time. It would be a great story!
1/17/2013
Ironic!
It occurs to me that there is some irony in the opposing efforts to spay Zoey and knock me up. Our family is going different directions in this arena. Strange but true.
First, the update on Zoey: So, yeah, poor Zoester's been recovering from this minor surgery since last Friday. I had to give her light sedative this week because she is normally one rambunctious little pup. I think she's healing quite well, though, and will have her frisky back in time for our first training class this Saturday morning.
I'm looking forward to the class, which has quite a strong reputation, but am also a little nervous. She gets so excited with new people, and dogs, well, they just send her overboard. I have a feeling that keeping her attention may be a challenge, to say the least.
I hope when all is said and done that she will be a bit more comfortable and "socialized" with both man and beast. Additionally, I hope to come away with some fun and helpful new tricks to work on together.
Regarding my efforts toward knocked-up-ness, I retook my creatinine/kidney test this week. The values had come back a bit off, likely due to illness/dehydration. Luckily, the second test was A-Okay! So, the doctor went ahead in prescribing me Metformin (apparently Metformin puts a bit of additional strain on the kidneys), and I've started taking it. No noticeable change in my DHEA irritable reactiveness yet, but here's hoping. Please, God, may I avoid the mid-section expansion, as well - unless it's related to pregnancy!
I also had a more high-tech, detailed ultrasound today, per my doctor's request. I guess the regular ones in her office are not as good, and she likes to start with awesome ultrasound pics. From what the tech said, everything was fine and there were no new surprises. She showed me an already-ovulated large follicle on the right ovary that measured about 20mm, so that must have been the subject of the, "You're right ovary looks GREAT!" comment. :) She saw my fibroid and agreed with others that it's location should not be interfering with anything.
My temps went fully up on Tuesday and fertility friend shows conception chances as, "Good," but we all know how much (little) they really know.
With the comments some of you made about birth control pills "rebooting" your body, and the hysteroscopy finding fibroids, etc., I'm feeling more positive about getting this test next month. Plus it will give the DHEA a chance to kick in.
Thanks for your supportive comments, btw: they are much appreciated! S and I have counseling tomorrow, and will also be seeing Ar.go and attending our swing dance class. It should be a fun, full day!
First, the update on Zoey: So, yeah, poor Zoester's been recovering from this minor surgery since last Friday. I had to give her light sedative this week because she is normally one rambunctious little pup. I think she's healing quite well, though, and will have her frisky back in time for our first training class this Saturday morning.
I'm looking forward to the class, which has quite a strong reputation, but am also a little nervous. She gets so excited with new people, and dogs, well, they just send her overboard. I have a feeling that keeping her attention may be a challenge, to say the least.
I hope when all is said and done that she will be a bit more comfortable and "socialized" with both man and beast. Additionally, I hope to come away with some fun and helpful new tricks to work on together.
Regarding my efforts toward knocked-up-ness, I retook my creatinine/kidney test this week. The values had come back a bit off, likely due to illness/dehydration. Luckily, the second test was A-Okay! So, the doctor went ahead in prescribing me Metformin (apparently Metformin puts a bit of additional strain on the kidneys), and I've started taking it. No noticeable change in my DHEA irritable reactiveness yet, but here's hoping. Please, God, may I avoid the mid-section expansion, as well - unless it's related to pregnancy!
I also had a more high-tech, detailed ultrasound today, per my doctor's request. I guess the regular ones in her office are not as good, and she likes to start with awesome ultrasound pics. From what the tech said, everything was fine and there were no new surprises. She showed me an already-ovulated large follicle on the right ovary that measured about 20mm, so that must have been the subject of the, "You're right ovary looks GREAT!" comment. :) She saw my fibroid and agreed with others that it's location should not be interfering with anything.
My temps went fully up on Tuesday and fertility friend shows conception chances as, "Good," but we all know how much (little) they really know.
With the comments some of you made about birth control pills "rebooting" your body, and the hysteroscopy finding fibroids, etc., I'm feeling more positive about getting this test next month. Plus it will give the DHEA a chance to kick in.
Thanks for your supportive comments, btw: they are much appreciated! S and I have counseling tomorrow, and will also be seeing Ar.go and attending our swing dance class. It should be a fun, full day!
12/20/2012
Happy Birthday to Me, and Happy Holidays!
I had a great birthday, though I can't say I'm excited about turning another year older! The day started with brunch at an English pub. S and I met a friend I know from my dance group. She had actually organized the brunch, cancelled when not many people could come that day, then went ahead with it when she found out we would be coming, which was totally cool. Her husband was originally going to join us but could only stop by for a minute. We had a good time, though, and then another interesting couple dropped by for breakfast and a chat.
At the end of brunch time, my friend and I broke away for a half hour to talk. We had been trying to connect for the prior week, as she wanted to discuss motherhood issues coming up for her around a family member becoming pregnant. She reads this blog and knows my feelings and efforts in this area, so wanted to connect with me about it. Her husband doesn't want kids, but understandably she hoped this might soften over time. I feel for her and hope that something in the situation might shift as what she wants draws into clearer focus. We discussed how, while it's not foolproof, sometimes it seems that one person's position can change when the other person becomes really clear about their own needs or desires. Or maybe something will shift in her own feelings.
Anyway, I really enjoyed the morning of good food, good company, and meaningful conversation. We headed off from there to watch "The Hobbit" movie. I enjoyed it! I guess it's described as "cartoon" violence, and this violence doesn't tend to bother me in the same way. The science fiction, other-worldly aspect is fun... and I love Gollum! He's such an interesting character from a psychological perspective - so broken and delusional. We all have Gollum within us! ha
Finally after heading back to my place for some Zoey care, S and I went to a very nice dinner in our favorite neighborhood. The same restaurant we chose for his birthday a year and a half ago!
* As a side note, this is one example of many "do-overs" we're experiencing, which feel quite healing. Opportunities to experience something similar but from a radically different (and happier, healthier) place. My whole birthday and hopefully the rest of the month including Christmas are actually "do-overs" in that sense, as we broke up at the beginning of December, casting a pall on the entire month last year (as many of you might remember).
But back to dinner... we actually had a lot of deep conversation over wine and delicious food, including talking about our possible paths to parenthood: we both still feel a desire for a biological child, could also imagine adopting, and can even consider the possibility of living child-free, though this is not either of our preferences. It's amazing to me I am able to even try that last one on, but I have done so, as I think I've shared here, entirely separate from him.
We ended with a yummy tart with ice cream and chocolate cake dessert split. He gave me presents of chocolates, a book, and a trip to wine country, but I swear, going out to dinner makes me as happy as anything. Eating out more often is definitely one of the perks of dating someone, in my book. I'm laughing at myself! Ah well.
I need to wrap this up and head to bed. I did want to share that we've had two counseling appointments, and this is going remarkably well. So far, we are able to maintain closeness and not become adversarial, which I was a bit worried about. Also, we are getting to the heart of some of the issues that affect us, including his responsiveness to intense sadness or other strong emotions I may feel, and my grief and anger (yes I still have some anger) about the shock and pain of our break-ups.
And lastly, it took me longer than anticipated, but I did eventually rev up into the Christmas spirit. My little tree is decorated (see below), gifts bought and sent, cookies made. Really looking forward to going to a couple of friend and family events on Christmas and having S with me. Glad to not be leaving the Zoester either. I miss her when I don't see her for two or three hours; whole days are brutal! Here are a couple fairly recent pics of my sweetie pie. :)
At the end of brunch time, my friend and I broke away for a half hour to talk. We had been trying to connect for the prior week, as she wanted to discuss motherhood issues coming up for her around a family member becoming pregnant. She reads this blog and knows my feelings and efforts in this area, so wanted to connect with me about it. Her husband doesn't want kids, but understandably she hoped this might soften over time. I feel for her and hope that something in the situation might shift as what she wants draws into clearer focus. We discussed how, while it's not foolproof, sometimes it seems that one person's position can change when the other person becomes really clear about their own needs or desires. Or maybe something will shift in her own feelings.
Anyway, I really enjoyed the morning of good food, good company, and meaningful conversation. We headed off from there to watch "The Hobbit" movie. I enjoyed it! I guess it's described as "cartoon" violence, and this violence doesn't tend to bother me in the same way. The science fiction, other-worldly aspect is fun... and I love Gollum! He's such an interesting character from a psychological perspective - so broken and delusional. We all have Gollum within us! ha
Finally after heading back to my place for some Zoey care, S and I went to a very nice dinner in our favorite neighborhood. The same restaurant we chose for his birthday a year and a half ago!
* As a side note, this is one example of many "do-overs" we're experiencing, which feel quite healing. Opportunities to experience something similar but from a radically different (and happier, healthier) place. My whole birthday and hopefully the rest of the month including Christmas are actually "do-overs" in that sense, as we broke up at the beginning of December, casting a pall on the entire month last year (as many of you might remember).
But back to dinner... we actually had a lot of deep conversation over wine and delicious food, including talking about our possible paths to parenthood: we both still feel a desire for a biological child, could also imagine adopting, and can even consider the possibility of living child-free, though this is not either of our preferences. It's amazing to me I am able to even try that last one on, but I have done so, as I think I've shared here, entirely separate from him.
We ended with a yummy tart with ice cream and chocolate cake dessert split. He gave me presents of chocolates, a book, and a trip to wine country, but I swear, going out to dinner makes me as happy as anything. Eating out more often is definitely one of the perks of dating someone, in my book. I'm laughing at myself! Ah well.
I need to wrap this up and head to bed. I did want to share that we've had two counseling appointments, and this is going remarkably well. So far, we are able to maintain closeness and not become adversarial, which I was a bit worried about. Also, we are getting to the heart of some of the issues that affect us, including his responsiveness to intense sadness or other strong emotions I may feel, and my grief and anger (yes I still have some anger) about the shock and pain of our break-ups.
And lastly, it took me longer than anticipated, but I did eventually rev up into the Christmas spirit. My little tree is decorated (see below), gifts bought and sent, cookies made. Really looking forward to going to a couple of friend and family events on Christmas and having S with me. Glad to not be leaving the Zoester either. I miss her when I don't see her for two or three hours; whole days are brutal! Here are a couple fairly recent pics of my sweetie pie. :)
10/20/2012
Longish Check-In
Saturday check-in... It's a foggy day in Oakland. I'm trying to get some work done with these monthly reports I have to submit on my international students. This month, there are a series of questions that must be answered by the student, school, and parents, so it's more of a pain. The website just cut out for "maintenance," so I thought I'd blog for a while instead!
*Interesting side note: I attended my first parent-teacher conferences yesterday as these kids "guardian" here in the States. It was fun being in that role and discussing the kids and their school performance with the teachers; brainstorming ways to help them succeed. This role may be the only one I ever take on in terms of parent-teacher conferences (guardian versus ever being the parent). I'm trying thoughts like this on regularly lately...
Zoey's snoring away in her crate but will be up soon and wanting to play again. I'm looking for some new, interesting and interactive dog toys - any of you dog moms out there have ideas for me? I got her the Kong toy, which is great, but more interactive with herself. It's perfect when I need a little time to check email or do something while she entertains herself. We play fetch and rope tug. And the training is fun - now she knows how to sit and then go down on her belly when I say, "Down," which is great. Training is going to continue to be a fun thing between us, I think. But even with all these things, our choices seem limited sometimes with play activities.
I think I shared about the Greater Bay Area Transition Conference we had on October 6th, didn't I? I'm pretty proud that our committee planned and executed it successfully, and we had over 100 people when we thought we might just get 50 or 60. I want to dig my teeth (uh oh, I've been hanging out with Zoey too much! :) into the next project to keep Transition growing in the Bay Area. Our local neighborhood in Oakland needs to have a next Initiative meeting, also, to work on local neighborhood carbon and energy use reduction and community building stuff. It's gratifying, and yes "meaningful," to see tangible positive impacts of my efforts.
Last but not least, this week, I spoke with my ex, S, in an effort to continue finding closure and a manageable comfort level in community circles. Well, we got so "comfortable," we ended up kissing! What the h-e-double-hockey-sticks!
A big part of the reason things ended up there was that the conversation was quite open and caring, and I felt like he was able to be more honest - and hear more of my honesty - than he ever has before. He's doing some "work" on himself, which he feels is dissipating his tendency to compartmentalize things (such as the impending visit from his ex, knowledge of which he withheld from me for several months).
Speaking of withholding, however, I also found out from him that, when she was here at Christmas, they made plans for him to visit her earlier this month (though they were not romantically involved while she was here). The purpose being to both wrap up work stuff but also see each other, perhaps evading the ultimate "good-bye." It's so strange: Who plans trips that far in advance!
Anyway, when we started considering getting back together in March, I think that would have been good information to reveal, right? So basically he did the same old withholding crap he'd done before, and this apparently contributed to his decision to break up with me at that time as he didn't want to go through all the trauma of the first time he'd withheld information like that. He also said, and truthfully I think this is more of the reason, that he had made a previous judgment that we would not work out together that he then couldn't let go of. As mentioned, he feels the growth he's done since that time makes him less likely and less able to compartmentalize and withhold like that.
Speaking of withholding, however, I also found out from him that, when she was here at Christmas, they made plans for him to visit her earlier this month (though they were not romantically involved while she was here). The purpose being to both wrap up work stuff but also see each other, perhaps evading the ultimate "good-bye." It's so strange: Who plans trips that far in advance!
Anyway, when we started considering getting back together in March, I think that would have been good information to reveal, right? So basically he did the same old withholding crap he'd done before, and this apparently contributed to his decision to break up with me at that time as he didn't want to go through all the trauma of the first time he'd withheld information like that. He also said, and truthfully I think this is more of the reason, that he had made a previous judgment that we would not work out together that he then couldn't let go of. As mentioned, he feels the growth he's done since that time makes him less likely and less able to compartmentalize and withhold like that.
I'll share more later, but don't want to go on and on right now. Basically, I'm trying to figure out what I want and also what he can do to make amends for these choices he made previously, as he says he's willing to do what it takes to help me to forgive him.... so that we can reconnect as friends, which I think is all I want. But things get confusing!
10/11/2012
Crisis of Meaning
Sorry for not posting or commenting very regularly right now... I think it's a combination of my life shifting to a much faster track with a puppy on board (pictures and video to follow below), as well as taking a step back to sit with - and I'm aware of how dramatic this sounds - a "crisis of meaning."
Since at this point, it's looking like I may never become a biological mother, what will take it's place with regard to my life's purpose and direction?
Off and on for the last several years, I have focused on trying to conceive in various ways: known donor, co-par.enting, IUIs, natural way within a relationship, and medicated IUIs. And when I wasn't trying to conceive, in the back of my mind, I knew I would return to trying at some point. I don't have that confidence now.
I don't know why out of six IUI attempts, non-medicated and medicated, and at least 8 months of trying naturally, I haven't become pregnant. Other than, for whatever reason, I just can't. Either my eggs are too old (most likely I guess), or my uterus is unfriendly for some reason as yet undetected.
Yes, if I had $15,000 right now, I would try IVF. But that is currently out of my affordability range. I may still try to get a loan, but I think that would likely allow a couple more medicated IUIs versus IVF. Maybe, just maybe, international IVF.
I wish someone could tell me with certainty whether I have enough good eggs in there to warrant trying more in this way. In any case, I'm not feeling super motivated to try and make that happen right now.
I'm tired. I'm tired of getting my hopes up every try, just to get no results at all. I'm tired of trying to scrape together the financing piece and living with the stress of not having as much money or financial cushion as I need.
And. There's one other new consideration. Some of you may laugh, but having a puppy has given me a taste of single motherhood. And it IS hard. At least for me.
I read some SMC blogs, and these women are rocking single motherhood and don't seem to be all that stressed. I am definitely getting in more of a groove with Zoey, but damn, she requires a LOT of care and constant supervision, not to mention always thinking of her with every plan I make.
She needs to be let out for bathroom breaks and exercise and food. I can't just go out for a few hours in the evening or drive off to work for the day. Care has got to be arranged, or I need to schedule myself accordingly. She needs vet care and baths. I am even obsessed with the health of her poop! lol
I'm not complaining. I think getting Zoey was the perfect decision for me right now, and I get so much joy and love from playing and cuddling with her. We're having fun learning new tricks, like sit, down, leave it, settle, etc. And she is giving my life purpose and direction, that's for sure (though not equal to the meaning of motherhood of course).
But it makes me imagine taking that care to the next level for a baby and doing it all alone. It's a little overwhelming to think about. I do think it's "training" me in a way, and I would be better prepared going into caring for a baby. But boy does it sound more manageable with a partner or substantial help.
So, there's that. I don't have a settled clarity yet, but it's all rambling around in my psyche and spirit right now. We'll see where the pieces land...
With that, I leave you with some pics and a video of my little girl, Zoey (the video I took on my iPhone is not uploading - any advice?):
Zoey had a sun toy from the vets that she thrashed around, chased and chewed. The sun has now "passed on" in torn-up glory, and she has an orange bear made of similar material. We'll see how long Mr. Bear lasts... this could get expensive.
Since at this point, it's looking like I may never become a biological mother, what will take it's place with regard to my life's purpose and direction?
Off and on for the last several years, I have focused on trying to conceive in various ways: known donor, co-par.enting, IUIs, natural way within a relationship, and medicated IUIs. And when I wasn't trying to conceive, in the back of my mind, I knew I would return to trying at some point. I don't have that confidence now.
I don't know why out of six IUI attempts, non-medicated and medicated, and at least 8 months of trying naturally, I haven't become pregnant. Other than, for whatever reason, I just can't. Either my eggs are too old (most likely I guess), or my uterus is unfriendly for some reason as yet undetected.
Yes, if I had $15,000 right now, I would try IVF. But that is currently out of my affordability range. I may still try to get a loan, but I think that would likely allow a couple more medicated IUIs versus IVF. Maybe, just maybe, international IVF.
I wish someone could tell me with certainty whether I have enough good eggs in there to warrant trying more in this way. In any case, I'm not feeling super motivated to try and make that happen right now.
I'm tired. I'm tired of getting my hopes up every try, just to get no results at all. I'm tired of trying to scrape together the financing piece and living with the stress of not having as much money or financial cushion as I need.
And. There's one other new consideration. Some of you may laugh, but having a puppy has given me a taste of single motherhood. And it IS hard. At least for me.
I read some SMC blogs, and these women are rocking single motherhood and don't seem to be all that stressed. I am definitely getting in more of a groove with Zoey, but damn, she requires a LOT of care and constant supervision, not to mention always thinking of her with every plan I make.
She needs to be let out for bathroom breaks and exercise and food. I can't just go out for a few hours in the evening or drive off to work for the day. Care has got to be arranged, or I need to schedule myself accordingly. She needs vet care and baths. I am even obsessed with the health of her poop! lol
I'm not complaining. I think getting Zoey was the perfect decision for me right now, and I get so much joy and love from playing and cuddling with her. We're having fun learning new tricks, like sit, down, leave it, settle, etc. And she is giving my life purpose and direction, that's for sure (though not equal to the meaning of motherhood of course).
But it makes me imagine taking that care to the next level for a baby and doing it all alone. It's a little overwhelming to think about. I do think it's "training" me in a way, and I would be better prepared going into caring for a baby. But boy does it sound more manageable with a partner or substantial help.
So, there's that. I don't have a settled clarity yet, but it's all rambling around in my psyche and spirit right now. We'll see where the pieces land...
With that, I leave you with some pics and a video of my little girl, Zoey (the video I took on my iPhone is not uploading - any advice?):
Here's Zoey chilling out on a hot day in her luxury swimming pool. :)
Zoey had a sun toy from the vets that she thrashed around, chased and chewed. The sun has now "passed on" in torn-up glory, and she has an orange bear made of similar material. We'll see how long Mr. Bear lasts... this could get expensive.
9/23/2012
The New Addition
I picked up Zoey yesterday!!! She's doing so well thus far with house training, knock on wood. After a very playful morning, she's now snoring softly on her blanket. Boston Terr.iers have kind of long legs in relation to their body, and she has a slight baby fawn look when she hops around and chases me, or her ball, or her rope toy (yeah, she likes to chase!).
It's a big adjustment getting a puppy, as all you dog people out there know. My whole "routine" is just blown up. I'm trying to get comfortable being the "pack leader." She looks to me for direction and is constantly following me everywhere. I have to be careful not to trip on her! She's so smart and energetic; I can tell I'm going to want to get some more toys very soon!
I can't just jump up and do this or do that without some forethought about her. She needs pretty constant supervision right now. One funny example: I'm always setting down and misplacing my glasses, so now I have a little shadow as I go back and forth all over the house trying to track them down. It definitely emphasizes the chaotic waste of motion! lol
But I welcome the shake up. I'm smiling and laughing a lot and completely enjoying the affection. She's going to be part of my family for a long time. Without further, ado, here's... Zoey!
It's a big adjustment getting a puppy, as all you dog people out there know. My whole "routine" is just blown up. I'm trying to get comfortable being the "pack leader." She looks to me for direction and is constantly following me everywhere. I have to be careful not to trip on her! She's so smart and energetic; I can tell I'm going to want to get some more toys very soon!
I can't just jump up and do this or do that without some forethought about her. She needs pretty constant supervision right now. One funny example: I'm always setting down and misplacing my glasses, so now I have a little shadow as I go back and forth all over the house trying to track them down. It definitely emphasizes the chaotic waste of motion! lol
But I welcome the shake up. I'm smiling and laughing a lot and completely enjoying the affection. She's going to be part of my family for a long time. Without further, ado, here's... Zoey!
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