Two-years-old! Life progressions

We had Ellie’s Daniel Tiger party with family, including two cousins who adore her, and it was lots of fun. Highlights were seeing her playing and loving the ball pit (balls in a child’s pool) and doing the piñata. 

Other big news is that she’s started taking up a storm! Repeats everything we say and talks and sings to herself. She even asked a question! “Why sleeping?” about why Daddy was sleeping. Stringing a couple multiple syllable words together, using words in context, unprompted. So fun and exciting! And her little voice is the cutest thing I’ve ever heard. 

Enjoying Falls arrival. Trying to enjoy the outdoors as much as possible before the Oregon rainy season hits. Our Cohousing community broke ground a few weeks ago - woo hoo! And we are on a last push (marketing and offering incentives) to find more families to take a couple of our last few units. There is only one child close to Ellie’s age right now (just turned 4), but a couple other families with young kids are exploring, fingers crossed. We switched to a downstairs flat that has a little backyard. It was a little more expensive but I couldn’t imagine not having a little private yard with Ellie. There will be lots of common outdoor space, too. 

Two other recent developments: we started working out again! I gained 10 pounds in the last year or two and feel uncomfortable so glad to get back to the athletic club. Ellie is going to the childcare at the club and doesn’t bat an eye walking in. No clinginess at all. Not sure how I feel about that! But I guess it’s a good thing. I think she was really ready to explore and experience some new places and people. She hasn’t had childcare before now. 

And one of the childcare workers there said she could babysit for us on the weekend sometimes, so RC and I might actually get some alone time on a date. We need this. I feel like our closeness comes and goes and we get frustrated and reactive with each other sometimes. We need to resolve a particular communication pattern that can come up where I want his attention/focus and he feels I’m not accepting him or want him to be something he isn’t. Argh. But overall, we are having some nice family times and working well together as parents. 

Anyway, I got off on a tangent. The other thing going on is that my career counseling business is growing! My online platforms are reaching people a little more, it seems, and I’ve gotten a few recent referrals from my business networking group. Hoping this online career class platform I’m part of starts getting clients, as well. It would be fun to both run a small group and continue working individually. 

I still think of having another baby sometimes but, mostly, I’ve settled into being a one-child family. Mom to my little Ellie. :)

Ellie is One!

I'm going to cheat again and share our FB one-year-old birthday post to update on her latest developments:

Ellianna is 1-year-old! We had an amazing family party for her last Saturday in a private room at RR Pizza and took her on two carousel rides; meaningful for us because we all went on this carousel when R's son, J, and his family were visiting us last Christmastime, and the three of us went on a fantastical carousel in Victoria a year ago last March. Ellie has stood for long periods and even taken a step or two to traverse distances but not officially walked yet, unless you count with the new musical walker Mommy and Daddy got her. It's coming soon! She got her first haircut shortly before her birthday, sitting in a yellow taxicab barber chair and playing with a couple of combs the nice lady gave her, which she loved. She's been brushing her teeth with Mommy for a while now - 8 teeth at last count. And she loves to climb on and over both of us and any furniture in which she can get a toehold, making a dash across the bed, only to be pulled back by her legs while she laughs hysterically. Because of this, after her birthday, we decided she needed some foam climbing blocks, so she's exploring those now! She started pointing just before her birthday and clapping just after. She still loves her fruit, especially grapes, and eats a hearty meat and veggie dinner regularly now, too. Oh, she said "mama" on Daughter's Day and is making more and more complex-sounding words and sentences, and though we often know what she's saying, other people probably wouldn't. She had her 1-year doctor's appointment with shots, which were terrible and made us all upset, as usual, but we got some great news that she grew almost two inches in the last three months! Her height, weight, and head circumference are all on the same page now. She is really really strong, and we both feel she will be athletic and successful in whatever physical sport or activity she chooses. She can't get enough of figuring out straps, zippers, and how things are put together in general. So fun to watch her! It's been a busy month. We love you more than words can say, Ellie! Our little 1-year-old 💗 

Ellie's been sick the last few days, and I'm running on fumes. I also had to give the feature presentation in my BNI networking group earlier today (it went fine, in spite of my low energy). We took her to the doctor's afterwards, and he said that it could be the vaccinations, or teething, or a cold or virus (praying it's not the dreaded Coronavirus, but it doesn't seem to be), or a combination. We've been pretty insular, but, of course, RC works in a hotel, and we did have her private-room family bday party at the pizza parlor on the 10th. 

Timing-wise, it seems to me to be caused by her vaccines, though the doctor said he felt molars coming in. Whoa! I knew she was getting more teeth next to her four on the bottom, but I didn't know about molars budding. Anyway, I think teething is probably contributing. Poor girl, I feel so bad for her - and I admit her whiny fussing and crying for longer periods is driving me crazy. We have been alternating Tylenol and Motrin, and that does seem to help. The doctor said to keep track of her symptoms and fever, and to check back in on Monday. If she's still running a fever regularly, then they will do a panel of tests. Please send prayers and good thoughts that she feels better.

Here are some of my favorite pictures from her birthday and, most recently, a local excursion wearing her cousins' hand-me-down pumpkin costume. I love the fall, but RC has been feeling a little down as we change seasons. For me, the holidays are something I look forward to, and I love the lights and festivities. He's not as gung ho. I guess so much of our feelings around events are related to our past history. I hope he can come to feel more positive as time goes on and we make family memories. We are going to Bend for a few days the second week of November, which should be fun, and I look forward to seeing how it will be with her likely walking. She's sooo close to tearing off across the floor but as of now, walks with her walker, along furniture and walls, and has taken just a couple steps between these things. So cute!

Almost One!

 I can't believe Ellie will be one in 10 days! Eek, I'm not ready! She has been feeling more like a mix of a toddler and a baby lately, though she's still not walking/toddling, yet. Here's her 11-month FB update - sorry for my laziness, but I'll add some details...

"Our little Ellie turned 11-months on the 10th, and we finally took her monthly photos. Only one month left of these, thank God, because, at this point, it’s like wrangling a tiger to get her in place. She’s sooo close to taking her first steps unassisted! She crawls, stands, and cruises like a champ, and continues to get into everything she possibly can. And, super fun for Mommy and Daddy, she dances! Her little up and down bop is adorable and sometimes she wiggles with lots of energy. She got to play with quite a few kids this month: her niece/cousins and nephew/cousins in Austin and her cousins in Eugene. She loves watching cars race around a track! as well as her books, eating fruit/oatmeal/toast and pb/meat and veggies/bread, crawling through her tunnel, playing her drum, exploring, and going for the cat dish. One year birthday coming up! We love you so much, Ellie!!!"

I'll add that I am enjoying hanging out with her at breakfast so much. She loves fruit like her mommy, especially bananas and strawberries, and now grapes are a hit, as well. R doesn't eat fruit and is less enthusiastic about it because of his views on sugar. To me, if it's in fruit, with all the vitamins that fruit delivers, it's okay. Nothing like its white sugar counterpart. Anyway, she loves her applesauce pouches, too, and will suck on one of those or munch on fruit while I get something else prepared, usually peanut butter toast, bagel, waffles, and/or eggs (she like hers over easy :), then we sit together contentedly munching on our breakfast and enjoying each others company. I might check out some news on my phone. I hand her her water cup periodically, then take it back when she's done before it flies onto the floor, lol. It's a nice time of the day. 

Also fun: I always spend a couple half hour period in focused play with her on the floor, which is so different than when I'm splitting my attention trying to get little chores done or read something on my phone, etc. It feels good to just totally focus on play with her. There are usually other times, too, but I make sure to get a couple of good chunks of focused play in. 

Walks are really nice now, as well, and she has faced forward in her stroller for quite a while now. She loves looking around and observing all the beautiful plants, trees, and flowers in our neighborhood, as well as the birds and occasional squirrel or butterfly. Oh, and the people. She's a huge people watcher and can be a big flirt. She loves flirting with the servers when we go out to eat, and if they want a tip, they flirt with her back (jk). They usually do and comment on how cute she is and how her gaze can be very intense; one said it was like she was looking into your soul. :) But back to walks, it's a nice time for Mommy, too, because, in addition to enjoying nature and enjoying her enjoying nature, I can get some emails out if needed or make a call, etc. She often takes her morning nap on our walk but doesn't fall asleep until near the end lately, so I end up walking back and forth on our street or the driveway through our complex, then squatting next to her in our carport and reading the news on my phone. 

Speaking of phone, I guess it's not surprising that she always goes for our phones, since clearly they are a big part of our lives. I think she'll get a toddler version for her birthday, so that should be fun. We have planned a "Little Blue Truck" birthday with close family at a local pizza parlor, fingers crossed that COVID doesn't interferes, as it's threatening, too (cases have been on the rise locally). It's hard to balance the desire to give her a fun and connected family experience and also be conservatively safe. The people we've invited are observing protocols, so as of now, I feel the benefits outweigh the risks. I bought some really cool farm animal and Blue Truck balloons we will inflate with helium, a banner, fun personalized cups, theme napkins, a regular cake with a frosting toad and wooden Blue Truck cake topper, and a fun little banana-flavored smash cake with her name in rainbow letters. We have bought some presents (ahem, too many) I'm excited to give her - new toys, yay! R says I want new toys for me as much as her, and it's true! Mommy gets bored, too, lol. 

R's new job has started well. He's still tired, as he had to stop using Daddy's little helper to sleep (thc/cbd), since they tested at the new job. Hopefully, he can go back soon, because Daddy is, understandably but annoyingly and sometimes abrasively, crabby with lack of sleep. Boo. 

I have a few career counseling clients and continue to enjoy using that part of my brain, again. It's tough to set boundaries and get work done at home, but I can do it at night when she's asleep, if needed, and R watches her during client sessions. 

That's all for now, since Little Miss is up. The season has turned, it seems, and we are heading into Fall. And elections...guess that's a topic I'll talk about another time (Debate? What?! Barf). Happy Ellie's Birthday Month!

FET Update #1 (finally!) and holiday events

Okaaaay, I just did the awesome thing where I type the whole post almost, then hit the wrong button and it's deleted. Argh! Okay, I will try a bulleted post to capture main points...

Significant and thrilling developments towards my FET cycle:

• Started my period last Saturday!
• With my period starting, I was able to resume my supplements, including pre-natals and Pentoxifylline (blood flow related). Yay for pills!
• Began taking birth control pills on Monday.
• Received my FET schedule yesterday... baseline ultrasound on the calendar for next week, likely after Christmas, and my embryo transfer scheduled for January 24th!!! Woo hoo!

Check in about my birthday:

• I'm 50 now and would never have guessed when I was young that I would be trying to have a baby now. Life is surely unpredictable.
• RC planned awesome activities for Saturday starting with brunch and moving into a scavenger hunt/amazing race type activity in our new hometown downtown area. Even having grown up here, I learned some things (i.e. Senator Morse! Cool guy!). 
• Then we went to a UO basketball game that evening, and he had arranged a super sweet message to appear on the reader board at halftime. ❤️
  
• Sunday evening with family was okay. Mostly the same chaotic, everyone talking, loud family dynamic that often happens when we all get together. Not so fun for an introvert. But I received some great presents, including double-date night dinner/concert tickets with my brother and sis-in-law to see Big Head Todd and the Monsters, a band popular in Colorado when I went to school there. Awesome! Then we just opened Xmas presents from/for my sister and her family, since they're going out of town, and ended the evening eating some cake. 
• No karaoke. :( But I did practice the Molly Shannon monologue from SNL, "I'm 50!" and shared it with people several times. You're welcome, family. "...And I can KICK, streeeeetch, and KICK!" lol

Monday was a downer after all the intensity, but I feel good now and am moving into what feels like "Christmas-time Phase 2." We took my older niece and nephew out to sing carols, drink hot chocolate, and look at Christmas lights last night, and this afternoon, my brother will bring my little nieces over to make Christmas cookies. Oh, and I got my first career counseling client in Eugene, y'all! First session tomorrow, and he paid already!

Having the dates to look forward to on the calendar for this cycle definitely adds to my holiday cheer. We are having conversations about one embryo or two again, after the discovery of my clotting mutation (heterozygous for prothrombin), but since I'll be on lovenox, I hope it's a minimal risk. More on that later.

Happy Holidays to Everyone!

p.s. RC and I have had some productive conversations, since I wrote the post on feeling challenged with some of his moods/behaviors. We solved our financial crunch for now, and have moved forward with ring design/selection. :) We are also reading a great book together about how to handle emotions/anger in ways that align with your values and goals. It's about the ACT process. Very helpful and hopeful.

#Microblog Monday - Turning 50

So my birthday is coming up, next Sunday the 16th. It's a big, scary one: 50. I do not feel 50, and I like to think I don't look or act 50 either. But 50 I will be, like it or not.

If I had to say how old I feel, I think it would be around 43 to 45. I'm sure the fact that I am in the process of donor egg IVF/FET and hoping to become a mom soon contributes to my not feeling like 50 is my appropriate age. Also, I've never been married and will likely be doing so next year, which is a life event that often occurs (at least the first time) at a significantly younger age. Thirdly, my sister and brother are 7.5 and 9 years younger than me, respectively, and they both are married with two children - the youngest being 4-years-old. My partner, RC, is 10 years older than me, so that should help me feel older, but it really doesn't. He's excited to have a child together, and says he doesn't feel his age at all, either.

My sister wrote me today and asked if I would like to have a family Xmas/birthday gathering on my birthday, since they will be in California with her husband family over the holiday. I have mixed feelings about this. It was always a big deal when I was growing up to keep Christmas and my birthday separate. My parents wouldn't get a tree until after my birthday, usually, and made an effort to focus just on birthday celebrations at my special time of year. So, maybe subconsciously that plays a role, although I'm all about starting Christmas early at this point, and we got our tree the first weekend of December.

I did want to do something a little "different" if we gathered for my birthday this year, maybe a karaoke machine or dancing and/or sharing memories. Something memorable. RC said he was going to try and plan something, but he hadn't really taken any action on that prior to my sister contacting me. I'm sure he'd be happy to have it off his plate.

Part of me would like to skip it and ignore I'm turning 50, and part of me wants to feel special and celebrate it in a memorable way. What you would do if you were me? Have you had any big birthdays which brought up mixed feelings?

I Survived the Mucho Loco Week

My birthday yesterday was a fun and fairly mellow day, which is how I wanted it after such a c-r-a-z-y week. My co-workers did get me a cake and give me a nice key chain made by our clients.

The craziness started on Tuesday when, after seeing two clients in Oakland, I drove up to Albany to lead a career transition meet-up... which had only one attendee! Boo. So tired of meet-up bailouts, even though I do it myself. lol FOUR other people failed to show up; one of them was nice enough to change their response on the website. Double boo. But. It ended up being really worthwhile!

The one guy who showed up runs the one-stop career center in San Pablo (where I worked for several years at the community college) and graciously offered the space to me for workshops and career groups. He also used to work at the Concord one-stop, which is close to where I live and where I'm wanting more clients! I intend to follow up with him on both the SP workshop and Concord networking fronts. Even though we have some differences in our background and perspective and the conversation started a bit stilted, we warmed into a lively dialogue about our clients and career development philosophies, and knowing some of same people at the college, etc. Great introvert networking experience!

I returned home around 8:30pm and after a half hour or so of necessary down time, jumped into preparing for my first of two interviews the next morning. Went to bed around 1am, but had insomnia and probably got about four hours sleep before the wretched alarm went off. This first interview was the one with a *NINE* person interview panel, which was as nerve-wracking and intimidating as it sounds. Everyone was really quiet, too, and not very responsive, which made me all the more nervous. My answer to the key diversity question was not great, but overall I would say I did okay. Came back home for a couple of hours before heading out to work at the non-profit.

That evening, I tweaked my PP presentation for the second interview the next morning, reviewed interview responses - especially the one about diversity! - and got to bed around 1am again. This interview started a bit later (the first was at the godawful time of 7:45am) but it was in Santa Rosa so I theoretically had about an hour and quarter drive to get there. I awoke at the same early hour of 6:30am, at which time I might add, it is still dark outside, and getting about 5 hours of sleep. *As a side note, I admire and have compassion for those of you that get up at this time or earlier every day.

Despite the rocky start of getting there late due to torrential rains and initially going to the wrong location, this interview, as a whole, was the best it could have been. I liked and felt connected with the (reasonable number of) four interviewers, gave what I felt were strong answers to their questions and a good presentation. This latter job is the one that would require moving, at least eventually. It would be a part-time position, so initially I could commute a couple of days a week. But considering the non-profit job location, it would make sense that I re-locate long-term to a town in-between the two jobs, which would mean about a half hour drive to each. On the positive side, it's a nice area.

Part of the reason I would wait to re-locate on the latter job, is because of my adoption process in this county. I need to research whether I could re-locate when a child is placed with me but not yet officially adopted. This could happen within a few months.

Regarding this adoption process, I took another step forward this week when I met with the adoption social worker Thursday afternoon. We had the house cleaned Monday, and I tidied everything up prior to her arrival. She was quite young! Like maybe 24 or 25? We first went through signing a lot of paperwork in rapid-fire fashion, before she began asking me questions about myself and what I was hoping for in this process.

Early on in the question-asking, I said I hoped for two-years-old and under but was a little torn and might want to consider a little older. At this point, she asked me, "Have you thought of other options?" Head slap, huge groan!!! Um, no, I'm just coming to you guys out of the blue, completely unaware and definitely not having gone through over 10 years off and on of trying to have a biological child, and three adoption training programs in three different counties, not to mention many blogs read, conversations had, books and articles consumed, experts consulted, etc., etc.! Do you agree that's a pretty harsh and clueless question, or am I just overly sensitive? It frustrated me but also hurt my feelings, as I am excited about moving forward and was thinking that she was there to help me and be "on my side."

She also followed up the question with a couple disparaging, negative comments about how there aren't nearly as many babies/infants that come up needing homes. I of course know this already as they stress it in every training and you hear it anyway, just through the media. I feel terrible about the older youth that get stuck in the system and have a harder time finding their forever families. It totally sucks. And, I am who I am and am where I am in life. I've worked with older youth for many years as part of my career. I love them, but I long for the experience of motherhood and am especially longing for the baby/infant experience and supporting them through the developmental milestones. As I think I've shared, part of my motivation for adopting through foster care is financial, but it is also that I want to provide a loving, safe home for a little one who was dealt a very harsh hand in life. So yes, ma'am, I have thought of other options. Grrr

Sorry for the rant. The interview did dramatically improve from there, after I said that her question kind of hurt my feelings and disrupted the process of beginning to get to know each other and work together. She apologized. I know her perspective is very different than mine. In any case, she then focused and began asking me the questions I thought she would ask about my strengths and interests, my neighborhood, my goals for next year, what ethnicity and gender in a child that I was open to, etc. She didn't get into asking about disabilities or special needs, but she gave me quite a bit of additional paperwork to complete, including a questionnaire with those types of questions.

Oh, and before she left, she had me complete this sad and somewhat disturbing questionnaire about what I or those in my family had experienced in terms of various forms of abuse, pornography, use of firearms, drugs, and more. It was a bit strange to answer, "I don't know" for some of them regarding family, and I felt a bit "hardened" answering yes to several drugs (from my college days in the late '80s lol). She said that having experienced these things would not rule someone out but instead will guide our conversation next time when we talk more deeply about my history.

We scheduled our next meeting for January 10th, which gives me time to try and make some fixes (lock box for medications, all cleaners stored in a place that's inaccessible to children, outlets and cords protected - how do you secure cords? - and any less than child-friendly items removed from the yard, and other requirements) and complete the homework. I realized that I should see what items my siblings in Oregon might have to pass along when I have my car to carry them back. Feeling excited about making preparations and things feeling more and more real!

That's my crazy week! Today, I'm going to have a late birthday celebration by meeting a couple of friends to check out a local holiday street fair and have drinks. It's a beautiful day, after getting tons of rain, so it should be a fun time. Then holiday cookie and candle making this evening and tomorrow.

Frenetic! and Festive

Next week is one of those weeks where multiple significant and stressful events pile on in succession... I'm not feeling too overwhelmed, but looking ahead resignedly and starting to gear up - while at the same time holding on to my holiday cheer.

After my post about wanting to settle in for a while and not continue to put effort into applying and interviewing for better-paying jobs, two colleges simultaneously managed to motivate themselves at the very last minute to schedule interviews before the holidays. So, I find myself committed to two early morning interviews on Wednesday and Thursday next week; one way up in Santa Rosa and the second one in Napa.

I am trying to feel hopeful and excited about these opportunities but honestly, I just don't. I do not even want to prepare, though I'm sure I will make myself, if not this weekend, then Tuesday, spend some time doing so. They are both, of course, stupid panel interviews, and one has NINE people attending. Ridiculous. How many people does it take to make a decision? Apparently nine.

If I had to choose, I would choose Napa, as it is only a half hour drive and would not require me to move. The Napa job, however, would require me to quit my non-profit job and dramatically scale back on my business for now. The Santa Rosa job is a part-time position, so theoretically, I could work two days there, two days at the non-profit, and a few hours in my business and make a good living - but both the non-profit and SR jobs are located such that I would need to move, likely to Petaluma, a town between the two locations. Am I really willing to move when I have so many good things happening where I live now, including my adoption process?

My finances are such that I can't, in good conscience, cancel either of these interviews, so I guess I will just take it a step at a time. But excited about them? No.

Additionally, I am committed to leading my career transition meet-up Tuesday evening, which has quite a few sign-ups (potential clients) this month. And, Thursday afternoon I'm scheduled for my first home interview with the adoption social worker. I'm looking forward to this but definitely have a few nerves about it. In a generous act that relieves some stress, however, my housemate gave me an early Christmas present and hired a cleaner to come the Monday before, so the house will be polished up for her visit!

Sounds like enough for the week, right? Nope, my birthday is Friday! No big plans, though, maybe a drink with friends. Despite the stress and busyness this week, I refuse to lose my holiday spirit. I attended our small and joyful staff holiday party last night for the non-profit, made peppermint cookie dough last week, have been enjoying the Christmas lights going up, and we plan to decorate a tree this weekend. ho ho ho!

Holiday Hustle

December is clipping along... I can't believe my birthday is next week. I made my Christmas shopping list for family, though on reflection, I should probably lower the budget, as my income is uncertain starting in late January. I will get one more full paycheck from the college on January 10th, then will be working a four-day counseling gig in mid-January as part of a math support intersession program. I also will begin receiving unemployment in January, though it will obviously be much less than my regular paycheck.

Good news on the business front: I now have five clients! Yay! I just signed another one on Friday for a two month package. My goal is to increase that number to 10 in the next two months; wish me luck!

I still need to figure out how to plan for dramatic monthly income variations, due to some clients paying for counseling packages up front, then not paying anything for the next couple of months. I imagine part of strategy for managing this is figuring out your average monthly income, then budgeting for that amount. But I also want to have a way to calculate the necessary rate of new clients I need to sign each month to maintain my desired level of income. I can see that will vary depending on whether I am signing clients for four sessions, six, or eight. If I have 10 clients, theoretically I am bringing in 2200+ a month, but most clients thus far are not paying monthly. I'd actually prefer they pay monthly, as I think it through, though of course it's exciting and fun to get large payment sums up front (at least for me who is still new at this). For now, I think I will aim for the number 10 and seek to maintain it. Does this make sense to you business-minded folks out there?

In "holiday event" news, S and I went out to my pre-birthday dinner last night and then to a beautiful and inspiring men's choir concert. S knows one of the choir members from work, and he had a solo, which was fun. The music spanned continents, cultures, and centuries, and many of the songs were in different languages. I found this interesting because when you don't know the words, you appreciate the musicality of the song, aside from meaning - a different perspective for word-oriented folks like me. S liked the Latin songs, and I did, too, but I also enjoyed the German songs. Part of the concert was a sing-a-long with traditional Chr1stmas songs, so we were given a fun chance to do some caroling. The restaurant was okay... took forever to seat us and the atmosphere was loud, but the Spanish tapas food was super yummy.

Lots more events this week: Repub debate on Tuesday with kids xmas shopping beforehand (S is very political and likes to watch all the debates, even though he's a dem, and we like watching them at this cool local theatre with food and drink); my official bday on Wednesday, for which we're meeting for happy hour drinks and appetizers, one of my favorite things to do; and finally S's holiday work party on Thursday at what looks to be quite a nice location in downtown SF. Monday, I have an alternative networking event with a more conscious bent to it... I generally dislike networking events but I'm giving this one a chance and am attending with two friends from my business program. I hope my Introvert can survive all the socializing! ha

My saving grace will be having daytime off on Monday and Wednesday, so I can get some down time. I'm going to get an inexpensive pedicure on Wednesday for my birthday, which will be a nice pampering experience; plus, my shoes for Thursday are open-toes and no one wants to see my feet, as they are!

I hope you are enjoying the holiday festivities and finding down times to rest and escape the hustle and bustle. 

Christmas is coming...

My birthday is tomorrow.  It is also the last day of my class.  I am giving a Final (no fun) but also buying cookies as a treat for my students and kind of to celebrate my birthday.  Tomorrow night, I plan to attend my InterPlay theatre group and maybe go for a drink with a couple friends afterwards.  Then, Wednesday, I am going out with a small group of friends to a birthday dinner at a cool looking Italian restaurant in my new town of Alameda.  After dinner, the plan is for a hot beverage, Christmas lights, and maybe even a little caroling.  In this moment, it feels like too much to do activities on both Tuesday and Wednesday, but I am going to go with the flow - it's my intention to do that more - and trust it will all work out.

Wednesday and Thursday are days to wrap presents, make hot fudge, and grade Finals.  Then, the plan is to drive up to Oregon Friday if the weather cooperates.  I am also fine with waiting until Saturday but hope I don't have to wait any longer than that.  I gave Zoey an early birthday gift of a dog bed, which she LOVES.  She had been using a smaller pink dog bed I got her when she was a puppy but it had become too old and worn out.  Plus this one is more comfy.  She looks so cute in it, doesn't she?

One of my Christmas gifts this year is a recording of an interview I did with my Grandma and Grandpa, about 10 years ago.  If you remember, my Grandpa passed away last year and my Grandma passed away a couple years before that.  As I mentioned, they were like second parents to me, and my Grandma and I were especially close.  The interview reminded of me of that, of how comfortable we were together and how we just "got" and accepted each other.  A wonderful feeling that I miss dearly.

I appreciate having the interview to remember but had been afraid to listen to it for fear the tape would break.  I finally had it made into CDs and am giving copies to my aunt and uncle and cousins.  I think they will like hearing it, even though it a bit slanted towards me and my Mom (birth mom), since I was the one doing the interviewing.  My Grandma cries once during the interview talking about my Mom - it's amazing how the grief over losing my Mom seemed to stay with her and my Grandpa for their whole lives.  Of course, that was one thing that we shared (the loss of my mom) and likely added to our closeness. 

Though my Mom (step mom) and I don't really talk - I've reached out but she doesn't seem to want to connect right now - I have been thinking of her often and sending prayers.  I have also done a couple of things "in her honor," like the care package I sent a while back, recently hanging the art tiles they gave me last Christmas in my new bedroom, and getting the special Campbell's Soup napkins (my Grandpa worked for Campbell's Soup) hemmed that she was going to finish but couldn't because of nerve damage in her fingers due to her treatments.  I also bought all the supplies to make her a special Christmas card, and I hope I can find the time and energy to complete it.  I guess I can work on it in Oregon if need be, but I know from experience how difficult it can be to get stuff done there.  If I leave on Saturday, maybe I can get it done Friday.  Anyway, I'm trying to do more practical actions "for her," if that makes sense, because I want to at least be doing something. 

I am really worried that they will be telling us bad news when I go home.  My brother asked my dad about the scan my mom was going to get to see if the immunotherapy treatment was working, and he said it had been rescheduled or something.  Then my mom and dad left for a trip to Arizona, which seems kind of odd timing.  So, I'm scared but want to be as present and loving as I can be through whatever happens.  Of course, I am also looking forward to seeing everyone and spending time with my nieces and nephew.

Well, I better go put the finishing touches on my Final.  Sending good wishes to you all.