Happy Friday! The corner has definitely been turned heading into the holiday season...
I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving - both the gathering I now have planned with a few friends to eat, play board games, and watch a movie - and having extra time off. I think I'm going to get a Christmas tree this year, so I'll probably put it up that weekend after Thanksgiving to allow three weeks of enjoyment before I head off to Oregon. And eggnog coffee is already bringing holiday joy to my mornings. :)
Regarding my last post and "the void" that was left by not focusing on fertility and ttc (and not being in a relationship - and that I'm now noticing more since I'm settled after finding a place and moving): I talked to my new Ecology of Leadership (EOL) phone buddy, and she suggested putting it out to the larger EOL group. I did this and heard back from two or three people who said they were available for phone calls and would like to get together. I have a lunch date for next week. This is all good but has helped me realize that the "void" is definitely more about day-to-day connection, not as much having events planned on the calendar. Phone calls may help if I can get in the habit of reaching out. Pursuing a creative project may also bring meaning and focus. But I think the core of it really gets back to my longing for family. Along these lines, C asked me about another possibility I haven't focused on in a while...
Guess I need to backtrack first and say that BBBS rejected me. I was surprised but noticed that I felt some relief. The woman said policy prevents her from telling me the exact reason, but that I have a lot to offer a child and she hopes I find another avenue to connect with one. So, it didn't seem to have anything to do with my character but might have had to do with what I shared in the interview about trying to have a child for quite a while and that I wanted ideally to have a positive connection with a child who was able to "attach" (I have worked with youth who have attachment disorders). She may have felt I had too high of expectations for the experience, and they really emphasize having little to no expectations. In any case, I have come to think it is for the best, and the relief I felt was about the recognition that I don't think a big sister relationship would likely fulfill much of my desire to be mother. I was "settling" for that choice, which isn't a good place to be coming from.
Back to the other possibility C asked about... She brought up foster parenting and adoption. I actually completed a foster parent adoption training when I lived in San Luis Obispo, but then my organization closed doors and I didn't feel I could move forward while unemployed. I'm still not earning what I feel I should be ideally, but I'm stable and employed. When she asked about it, I felt excitement and energy to investigate what would be required in this county, so I plan to do that in the coming weeks. Even if I don't move forward right now, it will be good to have the information. One obstacle could be that I live in a two-bedroom house. J is never home but the other room is still "his" room. Maybe that would limit me to fostering younger children, which is what I would like anyway. Much to learn. What do you think of this plan at this point? Am I being overly optimistic that I might qualify?
It's raining here today, so I am going to have a cozy day working on another full-time counseling application, grading papers, and refining my agenda for Tuesday's class - only one class to plan for this week - yay! And I have a couple Netflix movies to watch later. Hope you are keeping warm and cozy, too.
Showing posts with label meaning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label meaning. Show all posts
11/22/2014
9/03/2014
Philosophical Ruminations
Do you all think it's true that the more vulnerable you are, the more "belonging" you will feel in groups or within a couple? This is something that seems to be coming up for me in different contexts: I read about it, talked to others about it, and it came up last night in my InterPl@y group, as well. The idea being that as we show both our weaknesses and strengths, we can experience acceptance and truly being known. And, in a chicken and egg equation, the more self-acceptance we feel, the more authentic and vulnerable we are able to be. I think there might be truth to this... I know I experienced the opposite - a feeling of self-consciousness, separateness, and lack of acceptance - in my leadership group when I was "triggered" or feeling small and not good about myself. I would like to increase my self-acceptance, ability to be vulnerable, and my sense of belonging in my friendships and groups. Can I make a mid-year resolution?
Another, even bigger, question: What gives our lives meaning, and what specifically will give my life meaning, if not ttc and motherhood? I have been thinking lately about how focused I was for so long (many years) on trying to get pregnant, and, as frustrating as the process could be, how it gave my life direction and meaning. Researching fertility, donors (or male fertility for S), procedures. Tracking my bbt and other fertility signs, then hyper-analyzing possible indications of pregnancy. Talking to others, supporting and being supported by others through the journey. It all added up to a LOT of time, energy, and, yes, meaning. The chance of success was so exciting and trying for the goal of a child definitely fueled a fire within me. What fuels my fire now? At the moment, nothing that comes close to that level of engagement.
Do I need to take some dramatic action to change my life? Right now, I feel somewhat stuck in a rut, and have felt that way for a while, even during the last part of when I was with S. The activism I did with S did feel meaningful and exciting, which I haven't been involved with since. Do you ever feel like you just go to work, plan for work, eat, sleep, watch TV? Okay, I also participate in dance and theater groups once a week and am now working out a couple times....going out with friends here and there. But our day-to-day activities are the meat of our lives. My career counseling work is enjoyable and has some meaning, but it's not enough; I need more juice.
And this upcoming move feels like a parallel one. My new living situation - the houseshare with my theater teacher in Al@meda, which will be confirmed when I meet his partner but is 90% likely, will be similar to this one in many ways: living with a guy who's in a relationship and gone much of the time; small two-bedroom, one bath house with a backyard; nice couch and TV setup in the living room just beckoning for my butt to sit down and watch. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful! The rent is right, I am friends with my new housemate, Zoey has her backyard, the house is pretty nice. But part of me hoped this move would be more of a shake-up; that I would end up in a significantly different, more close-knit friendship/community-type situation. The one BIG difference is the neighborhood. It's MUCH nicer and more walkable. LOTS of fun restaurants, coffee shops, stores, hangout places, and the beach is close-by. So maybe I will get out more and feel less insular.
But I feel like I need MORE of a shake-up or to find something that gives my life more purpose and meaning. A relationship would be a good start, but I can't force that. I am not in a stable enough place at the moment to think seriously of pursuing having a child (in ways that don't involve my own eggs). Anyone else felt like this?
Another, even bigger, question: What gives our lives meaning, and what specifically will give my life meaning, if not ttc and motherhood? I have been thinking lately about how focused I was for so long (many years) on trying to get pregnant, and, as frustrating as the process could be, how it gave my life direction and meaning. Researching fertility, donors (or male fertility for S), procedures. Tracking my bbt and other fertility signs, then hyper-analyzing possible indications of pregnancy. Talking to others, supporting and being supported by others through the journey. It all added up to a LOT of time, energy, and, yes, meaning. The chance of success was so exciting and trying for the goal of a child definitely fueled a fire within me. What fuels my fire now? At the moment, nothing that comes close to that level of engagement.
Do I need to take some dramatic action to change my life? Right now, I feel somewhat stuck in a rut, and have felt that way for a while, even during the last part of when I was with S. The activism I did with S did feel meaningful and exciting, which I haven't been involved with since. Do you ever feel like you just go to work, plan for work, eat, sleep, watch TV? Okay, I also participate in dance and theater groups once a week and am now working out a couple times....going out with friends here and there. But our day-to-day activities are the meat of our lives. My career counseling work is enjoyable and has some meaning, but it's not enough; I need more juice.
And this upcoming move feels like a parallel one. My new living situation - the houseshare with my theater teacher in Al@meda, which will be confirmed when I meet his partner but is 90% likely, will be similar to this one in many ways: living with a guy who's in a relationship and gone much of the time; small two-bedroom, one bath house with a backyard; nice couch and TV setup in the living room just beckoning for my butt to sit down and watch. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful! The rent is right, I am friends with my new housemate, Zoey has her backyard, the house is pretty nice. But part of me hoped this move would be more of a shake-up; that I would end up in a significantly different, more close-knit friendship/community-type situation. The one BIG difference is the neighborhood. It's MUCH nicer and more walkable. LOTS of fun restaurants, coffee shops, stores, hangout places, and the beach is close-by. So maybe I will get out more and feel less insular.
But I feel like I need MORE of a shake-up or to find something that gives my life more purpose and meaning. A relationship would be a good start, but I can't force that. I am not in a stable enough place at the moment to think seriously of pursuing having a child (in ways that don't involve my own eggs). Anyone else felt like this?
8/16/2013
Summer Cessation and Seeking Meaning
Though the weather is still sunny and warm here, I'm definitely getting the feeling that fall is fast approaching. Students return to my college next week, bringing, thankfully, my full-time schedule with them. People seem a bit more energized and productive, letting go of the more relaxed summer mode.
I did some great things this summer, including trips to Tahoe and DC... but - whine alert - I haven't had nearly enough "chill" summer activities, like barbeques and outdoor parties, and long hikes. Well, I guess hikes aren't exactly "chill," but to me they're fun and summery. We have a barbeque on the calendar for this Sunday, though - yay! And I think I'll try to cram a few more fun and outdoorsy things in to the next couple weeks. What special summery things have you been up to? Are you ready for summer to end?
As mentioned, I'm returning to "full-time" at the college next week, which for us is a bit less than half time. There is a possibility our allotted hours may increase in the future, but at this point I'm still wanting another income stream, ideally another part-time college gig or something to do with career counseling and/or teaching. From the experiences I've had here and there, I like teaching adults. They are very cooperative. lol You do need to allow more room for them to share their wisdom and relate learning to their lives, but I think that's fun. A college self/career development course would be great or something through a career center. Anyway, I'm beginning to put more focus on looking, as well as on my new clients....
And by the way, I have new clients! I'm just a wee bit excited. One woman was a referral from a friend - she's interesting and so far we really click - and then I'm also working with the daughter and son of another friend. One other acquaintance also called this week, and I'll be talking to her tomorrow about her goals. So I guess the marketing I've done so far, which is not much really, is paying off. Very encouraging and motivates me to want to do more. My housemate fixed up the back studio last year and now we are both finally using it to see clients. I want to decorate it and make it more cozy, but at least it's got a pretty wood floor, nicely finished walls and is functional. There is that part of me that never feels "good enough," but I'm working through that and just continuing to move forward.
On another note, it's funny how taking a month off from ttc creates a void that wants to be filled. I have realized that ttc takes a lot of my energy and focus, and, not only that, it actually gives me a sense of meaning. What's more meaningful than pursuing parenthood? Not a lot, at least for me. So when that piece is on the back burner, I'm aware that I don't have enough going on in my life to meet my needs for contribution, meaning, and creativity. I have little burst of these needs being met, like with our activism and doing this "Cantastoria" or "Singing Story" educational presentation out at demonstrations and community events. I use my acting skills, singing and movement, and it's a lot of fun doing it collaboratively with others in my group. But now that we've rehearsed and got it up and running, it's just a matter of showing up and doing it here and there, every few weeks. If I land more career counseling clients, I think that could meet some of this need... but I'd also like an ongoing project that I can really sink my teeth into. I'm open to inspiration!
I will say that, even though we're not technically ttc'ing this month, I'm aware of my cycle timing. I should be ovulating any day, and I think we will at least give any egg that might show up a sliver of a chance...
I did some great things this summer, including trips to Tahoe and DC... but - whine alert - I haven't had nearly enough "chill" summer activities, like barbeques and outdoor parties, and long hikes. Well, I guess hikes aren't exactly "chill," but to me they're fun and summery. We have a barbeque on the calendar for this Sunday, though - yay! And I think I'll try to cram a few more fun and outdoorsy things in to the next couple weeks. What special summery things have you been up to? Are you ready for summer to end?
As mentioned, I'm returning to "full-time" at the college next week, which for us is a bit less than half time. There is a possibility our allotted hours may increase in the future, but at this point I'm still wanting another income stream, ideally another part-time college gig or something to do with career counseling and/or teaching. From the experiences I've had here and there, I like teaching adults. They are very cooperative. lol You do need to allow more room for them to share their wisdom and relate learning to their lives, but I think that's fun. A college self/career development course would be great or something through a career center. Anyway, I'm beginning to put more focus on looking, as well as on my new clients....
And by the way, I have new clients! I'm just a wee bit excited. One woman was a referral from a friend - she's interesting and so far we really click - and then I'm also working with the daughter and son of another friend. One other acquaintance also called this week, and I'll be talking to her tomorrow about her goals. So I guess the marketing I've done so far, which is not much really, is paying off. Very encouraging and motivates me to want to do more. My housemate fixed up the back studio last year and now we are both finally using it to see clients. I want to decorate it and make it more cozy, but at least it's got a pretty wood floor, nicely finished walls and is functional. There is that part of me that never feels "good enough," but I'm working through that and just continuing to move forward.
On another note, it's funny how taking a month off from ttc creates a void that wants to be filled. I have realized that ttc takes a lot of my energy and focus, and, not only that, it actually gives me a sense of meaning. What's more meaningful than pursuing parenthood? Not a lot, at least for me. So when that piece is on the back burner, I'm aware that I don't have enough going on in my life to meet my needs for contribution, meaning, and creativity. I have little burst of these needs being met, like with our activism and doing this "Cantastoria" or "Singing Story" educational presentation out at demonstrations and community events. I use my acting skills, singing and movement, and it's a lot of fun doing it collaboratively with others in my group. But now that we've rehearsed and got it up and running, it's just a matter of showing up and doing it here and there, every few weeks. If I land more career counseling clients, I think that could meet some of this need... but I'd also like an ongoing project that I can really sink my teeth into. I'm open to inspiration!
I will say that, even though we're not technically ttc'ing this month, I'm aware of my cycle timing. I should be ovulating any day, and I think we will at least give any egg that might show up a sliver of a chance...
10/20/2012
Longish Check-In
Saturday check-in... It's a foggy day in Oakland. I'm trying to get some work done with these monthly reports I have to submit on my international students. This month, there are a series of questions that must be answered by the student, school, and parents, so it's more of a pain. The website just cut out for "maintenance," so I thought I'd blog for a while instead!
*Interesting side note: I attended my first parent-teacher conferences yesterday as these kids "guardian" here in the States. It was fun being in that role and discussing the kids and their school performance with the teachers; brainstorming ways to help them succeed. This role may be the only one I ever take on in terms of parent-teacher conferences (guardian versus ever being the parent). I'm trying thoughts like this on regularly lately...
Zoey's snoring away in her crate but will be up soon and wanting to play again. I'm looking for some new, interesting and interactive dog toys - any of you dog moms out there have ideas for me? I got her the Kong toy, which is great, but more interactive with herself. It's perfect when I need a little time to check email or do something while she entertains herself. We play fetch and rope tug. And the training is fun - now she knows how to sit and then go down on her belly when I say, "Down," which is great. Training is going to continue to be a fun thing between us, I think. But even with all these things, our choices seem limited sometimes with play activities.
I think I shared about the Greater Bay Area Transition Conference we had on October 6th, didn't I? I'm pretty proud that our committee planned and executed it successfully, and we had over 100 people when we thought we might just get 50 or 60. I want to dig my teeth (uh oh, I've been hanging out with Zoey too much! :) into the next project to keep Transition growing in the Bay Area. Our local neighborhood in Oakland needs to have a next Initiative meeting, also, to work on local neighborhood carbon and energy use reduction and community building stuff. It's gratifying, and yes "meaningful," to see tangible positive impacts of my efforts.
Last but not least, this week, I spoke with my ex, S, in an effort to continue finding closure and a manageable comfort level in community circles. Well, we got so "comfortable," we ended up kissing! What the h-e-double-hockey-sticks!
A big part of the reason things ended up there was that the conversation was quite open and caring, and I felt like he was able to be more honest - and hear more of my honesty - than he ever has before. He's doing some "work" on himself, which he feels is dissipating his tendency to compartmentalize things (such as the impending visit from his ex, knowledge of which he withheld from me for several months).
Speaking of withholding, however, I also found out from him that, when she was here at Christmas, they made plans for him to visit her earlier this month (though they were not romantically involved while she was here). The purpose being to both wrap up work stuff but also see each other, perhaps evading the ultimate "good-bye." It's so strange: Who plans trips that far in advance!
Anyway, when we started considering getting back together in March, I think that would have been good information to reveal, right? So basically he did the same old withholding crap he'd done before, and this apparently contributed to his decision to break up with me at that time as he didn't want to go through all the trauma of the first time he'd withheld information like that. He also said, and truthfully I think this is more of the reason, that he had made a previous judgment that we would not work out together that he then couldn't let go of. As mentioned, he feels the growth he's done since that time makes him less likely and less able to compartmentalize and withhold like that.
Speaking of withholding, however, I also found out from him that, when she was here at Christmas, they made plans for him to visit her earlier this month (though they were not romantically involved while she was here). The purpose being to both wrap up work stuff but also see each other, perhaps evading the ultimate "good-bye." It's so strange: Who plans trips that far in advance!
Anyway, when we started considering getting back together in March, I think that would have been good information to reveal, right? So basically he did the same old withholding crap he'd done before, and this apparently contributed to his decision to break up with me at that time as he didn't want to go through all the trauma of the first time he'd withheld information like that. He also said, and truthfully I think this is more of the reason, that he had made a previous judgment that we would not work out together that he then couldn't let go of. As mentioned, he feels the growth he's done since that time makes him less likely and less able to compartmentalize and withhold like that.
I'll share more later, but don't want to go on and on right now. Basically, I'm trying to figure out what I want and also what he can do to make amends for these choices he made previously, as he says he's willing to do what it takes to help me to forgive him.... so that we can reconnect as friends, which I think is all I want. But things get confusing!
10/11/2012
Crisis of Meaning
Sorry for not posting or commenting very regularly right now... I think it's a combination of my life shifting to a much faster track with a puppy on board (pictures and video to follow below), as well as taking a step back to sit with - and I'm aware of how dramatic this sounds - a "crisis of meaning."
Since at this point, it's looking like I may never become a biological mother, what will take it's place with regard to my life's purpose and direction?
Off and on for the last several years, I have focused on trying to conceive in various ways: known donor, co-par.enting, IUIs, natural way within a relationship, and medicated IUIs. And when I wasn't trying to conceive, in the back of my mind, I knew I would return to trying at some point. I don't have that confidence now.
I don't know why out of six IUI attempts, non-medicated and medicated, and at least 8 months of trying naturally, I haven't become pregnant. Other than, for whatever reason, I just can't. Either my eggs are too old (most likely I guess), or my uterus is unfriendly for some reason as yet undetected.
Yes, if I had $15,000 right now, I would try IVF. But that is currently out of my affordability range. I may still try to get a loan, but I think that would likely allow a couple more medicated IUIs versus IVF. Maybe, just maybe, international IVF.
I wish someone could tell me with certainty whether I have enough good eggs in there to warrant trying more in this way. In any case, I'm not feeling super motivated to try and make that happen right now.
I'm tired. I'm tired of getting my hopes up every try, just to get no results at all. I'm tired of trying to scrape together the financing piece and living with the stress of not having as much money or financial cushion as I need.
And. There's one other new consideration. Some of you may laugh, but having a puppy has given me a taste of single motherhood. And it IS hard. At least for me.
I read some SMC blogs, and these women are rocking single motherhood and don't seem to be all that stressed. I am definitely getting in more of a groove with Zoey, but damn, she requires a LOT of care and constant supervision, not to mention always thinking of her with every plan I make.
She needs to be let out for bathroom breaks and exercise and food. I can't just go out for a few hours in the evening or drive off to work for the day. Care has got to be arranged, or I need to schedule myself accordingly. She needs vet care and baths. I am even obsessed with the health of her poop! lol
I'm not complaining. I think getting Zoey was the perfect decision for me right now, and I get so much joy and love from playing and cuddling with her. We're having fun learning new tricks, like sit, down, leave it, settle, etc. And she is giving my life purpose and direction, that's for sure (though not equal to the meaning of motherhood of course).
But it makes me imagine taking that care to the next level for a baby and doing it all alone. It's a little overwhelming to think about. I do think it's "training" me in a way, and I would be better prepared going into caring for a baby. But boy does it sound more manageable with a partner or substantial help.
So, there's that. I don't have a settled clarity yet, but it's all rambling around in my psyche and spirit right now. We'll see where the pieces land...
With that, I leave you with some pics and a video of my little girl, Zoey (the video I took on my iPhone is not uploading - any advice?):
Zoey had a sun toy from the vets that she thrashed around, chased and chewed. The sun has now "passed on" in torn-up glory, and she has an orange bear made of similar material. We'll see how long Mr. Bear lasts... this could get expensive.
Since at this point, it's looking like I may never become a biological mother, what will take it's place with regard to my life's purpose and direction?
Off and on for the last several years, I have focused on trying to conceive in various ways: known donor, co-par.enting, IUIs, natural way within a relationship, and medicated IUIs. And when I wasn't trying to conceive, in the back of my mind, I knew I would return to trying at some point. I don't have that confidence now.
I don't know why out of six IUI attempts, non-medicated and medicated, and at least 8 months of trying naturally, I haven't become pregnant. Other than, for whatever reason, I just can't. Either my eggs are too old (most likely I guess), or my uterus is unfriendly for some reason as yet undetected.
Yes, if I had $15,000 right now, I would try IVF. But that is currently out of my affordability range. I may still try to get a loan, but I think that would likely allow a couple more medicated IUIs versus IVF. Maybe, just maybe, international IVF.
I wish someone could tell me with certainty whether I have enough good eggs in there to warrant trying more in this way. In any case, I'm not feeling super motivated to try and make that happen right now.
I'm tired. I'm tired of getting my hopes up every try, just to get no results at all. I'm tired of trying to scrape together the financing piece and living with the stress of not having as much money or financial cushion as I need.
And. There's one other new consideration. Some of you may laugh, but having a puppy has given me a taste of single motherhood. And it IS hard. At least for me.
I read some SMC blogs, and these women are rocking single motherhood and don't seem to be all that stressed. I am definitely getting in more of a groove with Zoey, but damn, she requires a LOT of care and constant supervision, not to mention always thinking of her with every plan I make.
She needs to be let out for bathroom breaks and exercise and food. I can't just go out for a few hours in the evening or drive off to work for the day. Care has got to be arranged, or I need to schedule myself accordingly. She needs vet care and baths. I am even obsessed with the health of her poop! lol
I'm not complaining. I think getting Zoey was the perfect decision for me right now, and I get so much joy and love from playing and cuddling with her. We're having fun learning new tricks, like sit, down, leave it, settle, etc. And she is giving my life purpose and direction, that's for sure (though not equal to the meaning of motherhood of course).
But it makes me imagine taking that care to the next level for a baby and doing it all alone. It's a little overwhelming to think about. I do think it's "training" me in a way, and I would be better prepared going into caring for a baby. But boy does it sound more manageable with a partner or substantial help.
So, there's that. I don't have a settled clarity yet, but it's all rambling around in my psyche and spirit right now. We'll see where the pieces land...
With that, I leave you with some pics and a video of my little girl, Zoey (the video I took on my iPhone is not uploading - any advice?):
Here's Zoey chilling out on a hot day in her luxury swimming pool. :)
Zoey had a sun toy from the vets that she thrashed around, chased and chewed. The sun has now "passed on" in torn-up glory, and she has an orange bear made of similar material. We'll see how long Mr. Bear lasts... this could get expensive.
7/11/2012
Article: "Our New Era of Heartbreak"
Please read this Salon article. It is SO VERY INTERESTING to me, as a women wanting a family and wanting a partner. The part about self-esteem is heartbreaking, but can be so true, I think. What do YOU think?
3/08/2012
SOCAP SOUL and Love
I attended the most amazing conference last weekend at the San Francisco Hub: SOCAP SOUL.
Here's the website description for those interested:
The two words that keep emerging for me around it are "affirming" and "inspiring." They had several panels of amazing people and a breakout discussion group of people in various points of transition toward creating more meaningful work for themselves. I still need to type up my notes and plan next action steps, so more reflections to follow in later posts. But WOW!
I feel such a mixture of feelings in my life right now, but on a Spiritual level, I am receiving a lot of positive information from various sources around the potential of creating new, more localized / meaningful / sustainable forms of economy and work. I wish I were further along in the journey, but I guess that's typical!
Brief check-in on the man front.... S and I are talking (I know, collective groan), ha! But we are not committed or "back together."
He said he was very mad at himself (along with me) about going to the unilateral decision place. He expressed feeling overwhelmed and scared about me breaking up suddenly again and about whether he can do the work he needs to do on himself while in relationship.
We are working on staying a lot more connected when talking about difficult things by holding each other and breathing in a meditative way at the beginning of our meetings. It may sound strange, but it has been a surprisingly helpful technique so far.
Perhaps oddly, I went on a date with a guy from Mat.ch on Monday night. He seemed to like me and kissed me at the end of the night. On my side, it was an interesting, pleasant time, but the kiss was too much. It made me realize I'm not emotionally available to date other people right now, even if it makes part of me feel more protected and safe/less vulnerable.
S is away for the week at an NVC workshop at Esalen; a beautiful, blissed-out, hippie retreat center on the California Central Coast. I have my appointment with a therapist next week, which I'm looking forward to...so perhaps this is a time of trying to work on ourselves and do some talking in a "no idea what the hell we are or what comes next" kind of place. Yikes.
Here's the website description for those interested:
What if your job, your finances, and your community were all aligned with what you value? SOCAP has created a special event, SOCAP: Soul, to help answer that question.
Social entrepreneurs and investors, faith leaders and activists, cultural creatives, and thought leaders are all seeking to align what they care about with their jobs, and with the way they spend and invest their money.
We’re coming together as a movement of people who see the intersection of money and meaning as imperative not only to business – but also for our families and neighbors, for ourselves and people around the world.
Be inspired by speakers who have made these decisions. Explore models and find others along the same path. Find a better way forward for this world and yourself.
The two words that keep emerging for me around it are "affirming" and "inspiring." They had several panels of amazing people and a breakout discussion group of people in various points of transition toward creating more meaningful work for themselves. I still need to type up my notes and plan next action steps, so more reflections to follow in later posts. But WOW!
I feel such a mixture of feelings in my life right now, but on a Spiritual level, I am receiving a lot of positive information from various sources around the potential of creating new, more localized / meaningful / sustainable forms of economy and work. I wish I were further along in the journey, but I guess that's typical!
Brief check-in on the man front.... S and I are talking (I know, collective groan), ha! But we are not committed or "back together."
He said he was very mad at himself (along with me) about going to the unilateral decision place. He expressed feeling overwhelmed and scared about me breaking up suddenly again and about whether he can do the work he needs to do on himself while in relationship.
We are working on staying a lot more connected when talking about difficult things by holding each other and breathing in a meditative way at the beginning of our meetings. It may sound strange, but it has been a surprisingly helpful technique so far.
Perhaps oddly, I went on a date with a guy from Mat.ch on Monday night. He seemed to like me and kissed me at the end of the night. On my side, it was an interesting, pleasant time, but the kiss was too much. It made me realize I'm not emotionally available to date other people right now, even if it makes part of me feel more protected and safe/less vulnerable.
S is away for the week at an NVC workshop at Esalen; a beautiful, blissed-out, hippie retreat center on the California Central Coast. I have my appointment with a therapist next week, which I'm looking forward to...so perhaps this is a time of trying to work on ourselves and do some talking in a "no idea what the hell we are or what comes next" kind of place. Yikes.
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