An Eventful Last Week - Friends, Family, and Fertility

My trip to Oregon was awesome! Three favorite parts:

1. Meeting with three awesome friends Friday night at a local wine bar/restaurant and a fourth joining us at the end (these were my peeps throughout the weekend). We immediately launched into familiar dynamics and reminiscing and laughter. So fun! I forgot how funny my high school friends were! It's been 15-20 years since I had seen two of them, so it's pretty amazing we just picked back up and felt close right away. We went on to have an awesome time connecting with our other classmates at the pizza parlor we frequented in high school, especially after football games - it hadn't changed! 
2. Walking downtown to the Saturday Market the next morning with my brother, sis-in-law and two little nieces. A nice outing in beautiful Eugene, time to catch up, and a tasty crepe breakfast down at the market. Here's a pic from our outing (sis-in-law is taking pic). 
   
3. Walking down to pick up my older niece and nephew - My Dad was out of town, so Zoey and I enjoyed staying at his condo, which is three blocks down from where my sis now lives in Mom and Dad's former house - then walking to the mall across the street to have lunch and paint pottery. Love being creative with kids! My poor niece, J, was feeling under the weather but with some liquid ibuprofen she toughed it out. She painted me a snake after I had raved about a snake my nephew had painted back at their house, which was so sweet. I can't wait to get my snake and place it in a place of prominence in my house! My nephew, E, was so cute and painted a sporty football with both he and his mom's name on it for her birthday, so they could place it in the trailer they've recently acquired and have loved spending time in lately.

After this trip, I am optimistic that my closest high school friends and I will stay in better touch. There were a few other friends with whom it was nice to hang out, as well, including one who works at the state university in Bend and said she could help me get a counseling job there (!). I could theoretically rebuild my business anywhere... My family had a house in Bend and goes there regularly, and I've always loved the area. But on the negative side, I feel like I just got settled here in this house with my new housemate, plus my plans to become preggo in the near future at CA Conceptions clinic not far from where I live. If I did get the job, though, it would pay well, and I could probably fly down for procedures and get a lot of testing done locally. We will see... I'm not sure if maybe I wasn't just feeling the love from the reunion and wanting that to continue.

Speaking of CA Conceptions, I got my saline sonogram done last week! Woo hoo! It was painful! I think the doctor doing the procedure was not as skilled as he professed to be, as there was another doc in there giving him guidance at times. But he got the job done, and the great news is that I'm all clear! I thought I would be since I had fibroid surgery a couple years ago, but it was great to have it confirmed. I have a small fibroid way in the back of the uterus that he said should not be an issue. I also was weighed and they told me I need to lose *3 pounds* to qualify for the refund option. I should be able to do that, right? Right! My housemate said she could give me a diuretic from her work if needed. lol I feel like a wrestler trying to hit my fighting weight.

I also started my new "for now" part-time job this week - so far, so good after a couple of days. More on that later. Hope you all have a great weekend!

p.s. I finally started my cycle the Friday of my trip to Oregon. It was a pain dealing with it at the events, but I was just so glad to get it, I didn't care. I feel so much better. And the doc saw two cysts on one ovary, which he said probably caused the hormone balance and delay. So peri-menopause is not the culprit on this one...unless it causes cysts? But the doc also said I had very few follicles happening on my ovaries, which aligns with my age.

Happy New Year 2016!

Checking in post holiday madness... It feels like we have turned the corner into the new year and all the possibilities it holds. Our family trip to Oregon was good overall, all things considered. Highlights included:

• Seeing my nieces and nephew of course! They are getting bigger and are so very, very cute. I took the older two out for ice cream with S one night, which was fun. My oldest niece, J, is totally into reading books now, just like I was at her age! I gave her a big book of horse stories that had once been mine, which she seemed excited about.

• We went to the coast with my brother, sister-in-law, and two littlest nieces one day, and I ran from the waves on the beach with the three-year-old, like my Dad used to do with me. The baby (10-months now) is getting cuter all the time and still has a mellow personality, like my brother - a nice contrast to her big sister who is super active and feisty. :)

• S and I worked out every day at the family athletic club during the last few days there. We had a dog-friendly hotel room in walking distance from downtown, which worked out really well. When we got back, we joined a small workout gym down the street from my house and are both looking forward to continuing our efforts to increase fitness.

• As expected, we all felt some sadness on Christmas missing my Mom. I had a good cry at the end of the day and lit a candle in her memory. Her birthday was yesterday, as well, and we all raised a virtual glass of wine in her honor. 

• My Dad and Aunt, who are now very officially an item, were still in their "new romance" mode, which can be annoying as he is then not fully present to what's going on. We all - except for my sister's family who took a short family trip - attended the NYE party at the athletic club (which was just "okay" but had fun dancing with S) and my brother was annoyed that Dad and my Aunt were kissing on the dance floor at the end of the night. :-/ That said, S and I did have a nice goodbye breakfast with them the day we drove back. Apparently, there are plans being made for her to move to Oregon.

• Relationship-wise, S and I got along "okay," which is actually a big step up, if you can recall previous trips. Sorry for TMI, but I was on my cycle during the first half of the trip and then S had a stomach bug the last half, so we didn't have much "romance," but were able to live together in a very small hotel room for twice the time we normally stay, have fun, and work through disagreements fairly well and quickly when they came up. Ironically, at the very end of the trip, we had our worst fight about the way I talked to him when I told him to stop removing the lights on a fake Xmas tree we were readying to return to my sister. I felt justified telling him to stop because I had asked him not to take them off in the first place. He thought he was doing the safe thing, and also felt I was being controlling and should let this small thing go. So the first part of our drive was stressful but then I had a cry, which in hindsight was likely releasing emotions from the family trip as much as being about our argument, and we talked it through.

Now, we are back into our routine of seeing each other a couple times a week and talking/texting every day.

Work-wise, my routine has changed a lot, though, in that, as mentioned, I'm not at the college this semester (except for a few days week after next). I caught a flu last week, though, so have only had a few days of health. I have one more client now, bringing the total to six and hope to gain two more by the end of this month. Please send me good wishes! I sent out a mass holiday letter and will be following up with past and potential clients/referral partners by phone starting next week. I also have another career transition meet-up group next Wednesday evening with six people signed up so far. At these monthly meet-ups, I will continue to sign folks up for free consultations and hope to gain another client or two each time. I'm also in the process of developing a newsletter and other social media ideas so that will help with outreach, as well.

I also have two more applications to submit for local counseling jobs. I have started receiving unemployment, which should help me get through the next two-three months. I wish I could know where the chips will fall on the job front. I'm not sure whether I would prefer to just rely on my business or whether I would like to find another part-time college counseling gig and continue that in addition to working with 8-10 clients. In a way, working at the college two days a week would be ideal right now because I just show up and leave, without taking work home. With my clients, I need to track each of their progress and do a lot of outside research and communication. I have adjusted to having six clients but 10-15 will definitely be another level of adjustment. I enjoy the outside work with clients more, however.

Completely relying on individual client load, it seems at my current fee structure, I would need 15+ clients. I'm still figuring it all out, and I feel like there are parts of this puzzle that are out of my hands. I suppose I am just going to continue to take the next steps in both applying for jobs and building my business until things become more clear.

Trip to Oregon

Happy Summer!  I'm in the second week of two weeks off from work.  Next week starts with that new one-day Orientation class I'm teaching on Monday the 9th, then general counseling on Tuesday/Thursday.  Still not clear exactly what I'm going to do for the class but have been thinking about it.  Must. Figure. It. Out. This. Week.

I managed to grade all my Final exams and enter final grades just before the deadline last Tuesday night.  I just couldn't motivate to work on them when I was in Oregon.  My family visit over Memorial Weekend was fun.  The highlights include:

• Time Friday with my Aunt and Cousin - even though my Aunt's a bit crazy, I love her and am glad to maintain connection with my birth Mom's family. 

• Friday night pizza with siblings and their partners/kids and taking J and E on the carousel.

• Saturday pool hang out time with sister's family.  Throwing the rings in the pool for E - so cute!  And J finally venturing in, after she wandered around worrying about it for most of the time, (but also seeming to have fun).  I think J might have a higher-than-average anxiety level, which I can relate to!

• Saturday dinner with Mom and Dad.  The restaurant dinner wasn't great, but it was good to have my parents to myself and catch up with things.  We talked a little about my Mom's upcoming surgery, and I advised them to have someone stay with her all that day, versus dropping her off, based on my own surgery experience (general anesthesia and pain meds are no joke); more on her surgery below.

• Sunday breakfast at our favorite brunch place: Jo Fowler's House of Pancakes.  If you're ever in Eugene, check it out.  Had my normal Swedish pancakes with lingonberry butter - yum!  More time with Mom and Dad.  As a sidenote, I felt closer to my Mom this trip than I've felt before.  I guess someone getting sick has a way of breaking down defenses on both sides.  It's not that she was all that different, but whether it was from me or her or both, I felt more love between us.

• Sunday afternoon I spent at my sister's with J and E.  One of the BIGGEST highlights for sure!  I did art with Jayne, threw a nerf baseball for E, and had SO much fun jumping around, chasing each other and playing games on the trampoline they have in their backyard.  I haven't laughed that much in a long time!  At one point we collapsed in a puppy pile and looked up at the clouds; a moment I'll treasure.

• Then came the wild-and-crazy family barbeque on Sunday night at my brother's house with all my immediate family and their families, as well as my cousin, Jen, who moved to Oregon from Nebraska last year.  There is often one night of drinking when the family all gets together and this was it.  It started out mellow with the kids playing outside.  V, my youngest 1-year-old niece, loves playing with her older cousins, J and E.  E is very loving and protective towards her, and I love that he gets to experience a "big brother" relationship and she a "little sister" relationship, which neither of them would experience otherwise.  The adults played with the kids and sipped wine or beer.  After V went to bed, we ate the delicious food that had been collaboratively prepared - steaks, prawn salad, mushroom rice pilaf, and fabulous berry cobbler for dessert.  A secret about my Dad - he smokes when he drinks and sometimes when he's not drinking.  He tries to compartmentalize it.  Anyway, I was bad and joined him a couple of times during the night.  Whoops.  Unhealthy father/daughter bonding time.  Oh well.  My brother and I had a nice talk at the end of the night after everyone had left.  Fun night overall.

• Then Monday morning, I chilled at my parent's house (stayed at my bro's house the first two nights and their house the last two) and took Zoey on an out-of-control walk.  Poor Zoey.  I think she liked meeting everyone and had fun playing at times but moving locations and SO many new people was a lot to digest for an already-highly-excited dog.  Then, we met others briefly for a lunch - it's clear from this post that my family tends to gather around meals! - and Zoey and I hit the road.

I didn't realize how much happened, until writing it all out in this post.  So, my Mom's surgery was this last Wednesday and the doctor said it went very well, and he thought he got it all.  We are waiting to hear back on the pathology report, which should be coming soon.  Please say a prayer for her, if you can.

Guess that's about all I have to share.  I sent an email out to my circles about what I was looking for in a new place and have since heard about several possibilities, and many people wrote sending their support and good wishes, but nothing solid yet.  I would like to be moving in with my new boyfriend... do you think that might happen in two months?  jk  I do hope to find a shared situation with a person or people who are kind and conscious and easy to get along with.  Fingers crossed!

Hope you all are having some fun times in the sun. :-)

p.s. Thank you to those of you who left supportive comments on my last post - it meant a lot and helped lift my mood.  I wanted to give a quick update on that situation: After all that, and after I had reviewed her report and made my own comments, she suggested we bag the whole thing and start again in the Fall, bringing in an additional reviewer for balance.  Maybe she recognized she didn't really know my abilities and couldn't give a fair evaluation based on one half-hour observation.  Even though I'll have to go through the process again, I'm relieved and glad to have another opportunity.  And the other reviewer will likely be a woman I know to be kind and who initially worked as a CTE Counselor, like me.

Summer Cessation and Seeking Meaning

Though the weather is still sunny and warm here, I'm definitely getting the feeling that fall is fast approaching.  Students return to my college next week, bringing, thankfully, my full-time schedule with them.  People seem a bit more energized and productive, letting go of the more relaxed summer mode.

I did some great things this summer, including trips to Tahoe and DC... but - whine alert - I haven't had nearly enough "chill" summer activities, like barbeques and outdoor parties, and long hikes.  Well, I guess hikes aren't exactly "chill," but to me they're fun and summery.  We have a barbeque on the calendar for this Sunday, though - yay!  And I think I'll try to cram a few more fun and outdoorsy things in to the next couple weeks.  What special summery things have you been up to?  Are you ready for summer to end?

As mentioned, I'm returning to "full-time" at the college next week, which for us is a bit less than half time.  There is a possibility our allotted hours may increase in the future, but at this point I'm still wanting another income stream, ideally another part-time college gig or something to do with career counseling and/or teaching.  From the experiences I've had here and there, I like teaching adults.  They are very cooperative.  lol  You do need to allow more room for them to share their wisdom and relate learning to their lives, but I think that's fun.  A college self/career development course would be great or something through a career center.  Anyway, I'm beginning to put more focus on looking, as well as on my new clients....

And by the way, I have new clients!  I'm just a wee bit excited.  One woman was a referral from a friend - she's interesting and so far we really click - and then I'm also working with the daughter and son of another friend.  One other acquaintance also called this week, and I'll be talking to her tomorrow about her goals.  So I guess the marketing I've done so far, which is not much really, is paying off.  Very encouraging and motivates me to want to do more.  My housemate fixed up the back studio last year and now we are both finally using it to see clients.  I want to decorate it and make it more cozy, but at least it's got a pretty wood floor, nicely finished walls and is functional.  There is that part of me that never feels "good enough," but I'm working through that and just continuing to move forward.

On another note, it's funny how taking a month off from ttc creates a void that wants to be filled.  I have realized that ttc takes a lot of my energy and focus, and, not only that, it actually gives me a sense of meaning.  What's more meaningful than pursuing parenthood?  Not a lot, at least for me.  So when that piece is on the back burner, I'm aware that I don't have enough going on in my life to meet my needs for contribution, meaning, and creativity.  I have little burst of these needs being met, like with our activism and doing this "Cantastoria" or "Singing Story" educational presentation out at demonstrations and community events.  I use my acting skills, singing and movement, and it's a lot of fun doing it collaboratively with others in my group.  But now that we've rehearsed and got it up and running, it's just a matter of showing up and doing it here and there, every few weeks.  If I land more career counseling clients, I think that could meet some of this need... but I'd also like an ongoing project that I can really sink my teeth into.  I'm open to inspiration!

I will say that, even though we're not technically ttc'ing this month, I'm aware of my cycle timing.  I should be ovulating any day, and I think we will at least give any egg that might show up a sliver of a chance...

DC Trip, Relationship, and TTC Plans

I'm still here!  Washington DC was amazing, visiting all the memorials - Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson, FDR, MLK, and more - and the museums.  The American Indian museum was very cool - both the building and the art/artifacts!  The heat wasn't too bad, though we definitely got our "true summer" time in.  Northern California summer is nothing like the heavier, immersive heat of the East Coast.  We stayed in a great little hotel, very near his daughter.  I love hotel evenings and morning, chilling out and watching TV, etc., I'm weird that way.

The connection with his daughter couldn't have gone better.  She's so sweet, smart, and easy to get along with, and we all had some great conversations.  He hasn't had a lot of "normal" time with his daughter since he and his ex-wife's divorce when she was in her teens, so it was fun and special to stay the last night at her place and talk over a couple of beers on the rooftop.  We got to meet her boyfriend - smart and politically up and coming young guy - and spent the day together wandering around Gettysburg and the museum, learning a lot about the Civil War and the significance of that battle.

S and I got along fairly well - only a couple small rough patches - but the process of me working through my doubts about us is sort of hanging over our relationship right now.  I've spend some time reflecting, writing, talking to S, and plan to spend some more time over the next couple of days.  I love him a lot, of course, but I need to release the fears and judgments around whether our chemistry is "good enough" for me.

I'm really taking a look at the comparisons I have been making between him and our connection, and the guys I was with in my 20's and the greater passion and abandon I felt at that time.  I'm realizing that it's not fair to compare the two, and if I can't let that ago and accept all the wonderful things S and I have, including a good (if more controlled) love life, then the long-term future would be miserable for both of us.  And it's not just accepting the wonderful things, but the challenging parts too - recognizing they all make up who he and "we" are, and the more I can be present with everything, the more peace and happiness I can experience.  Please wish me luck, as it's a difficult emotional journey right now.

With regard to ttc, as you might imagine, this cycle ended with disappointment.  It wasn't too surprising, as we were unable to get an IUI in.  I ovulated quite early this month for some reason, perhaps the ongoing effects of last months medicated cycle.  So I just missed seeing the surge on my OPKs.  Oddly, my breasts were sore from ovulation through the entire luteal phase, which is never the case for me.  Any idea what was going on with that?  I did do an HCG shot, post ovulation.

I feel like my body is failing me.  We're taking this month off, during which I'll try to procure some (unopened) leftover Menopur from the great, underground fertility black market.  Then, the idea is to do a medicated cycle the following month, do just an IUI in the "bump" month after that, and if all that doesn't work, go in for fibroid surgery in late October or November.  I can't help but think that this huge object, which is distorting my cervix, might be affecting uterine receptivity (though it appeared outside the uterus on the MRI).  Plus it affects my health and comfort to some degree.

Struggling

I haven't been posting much because of being in a tough place with S right now.  He's coming over today to finish the conversation we started about the Lake Tahoe trip on Thursday night.  It was a productive conversation - one key insight emerged that, at our core, we both want the same thing, i.e. to stay connected and not be "abandoned" by the other while with family.  But our strategies and vision of what this looks like are very different and actually can work against each other. 

The fact that we devolve into such an ugly and painful place when we are emotionally triggered and fighting in these situations brings up some pretty intense fear in me.  I want us to have more discipline and ability to stay grounded in the face of stress (of which life dishes out plenty).  Even more than that, I long for us to have the ability to support one another through difficult times - to prop each other up versus tear each other down further. 

Yes, progesterone most definitely played a role.  But why couldn't he keep that in mind and cut me more slack, versus becoming angry and reactive?  I needed help to find my way back to my better self and to remember the bigger picture.  For a variety of reasons, including his own anxieties and fears, he couldn't help me with that.  Maybe my expectations of him are neither fair nor possible.

Wish us luck in our discussions.  We leave this coming Wednesday for a week-long trip to Washington DC to see his daughter and her boyfriend, and participate in a climate change rally.  We will need to be strong and resilient to make it through this trip and come out the other side in decent shape.  In addition to our discussions, I'm seeking individual support in the form of a Non-Violent Communication "Empathy Session" (basically a support session), which will hopefully take place today or tomorrow.  I have a sense that I need to grieve the parts of S which do not match my "ideal" version of a mate or of a relationship.  My continued internal judgments of him don't help the situation.

On the ttc front, I am still planning to start doing OPKs later today.  We may or may not do an IUI before we leave on the trip.  Otherwise, we will just do a trigger shot and try naturally, as mentioned.  I plan to go to acupuncture weekly again, starting when I get back from DC.

Trip Check-In

I'm sitting in my brother's house in Oregon.  Today, we're all (except my parents) going to the coast.  A couple things are standing out for me again with my family culture:

• There is a lot of drinking, especially among certain people (my brother-in-law and brother-and Dad but he wasn't at the barbeque last night).  This happens even when it's not a "party" just a family gathering, which says people are looking for a reason to tip a few back.  Of course this affects the quality of interaction and feeling of the gathering.

• The depth of conversation is not what I would enjoy.  My sister - even though we had a short conversation not long ago about this - didn't ask me anything about things that matter to me, such as dance, theatre, community work, friends, etc.  Nobody asks about these things.  They'll ask about dating and men sometimes.  My brother and I talk about work and family, and he knows about my efforts to become a mother, but with my sister and parents I feel invisible a lot of the time.  Or I'm valued for being an Aunt and a creative person, but not for what I'm doing in my life back in the Bay Area.  Even if they can't relate, I think they could ask.  I ask them about business developments, Junior League, and other things I can't really relate to.

Anyway, it bugs me that I care about this still after all this time.  I think when I don't have time to myself to get grounded, then I feel more affected by this stuff.  Writing it out is helpful.

But I am loving the time with my niece and nephew (4 and 2  years old).  They are so incredibly imaginative and playful.  Yesterday/last night we played with bubbles, made rat cupcakes, sang songs, played hide and go seek, etc.  I was tired at the end of the night but it was so fun.

Tripping

I'm driving up to Oregon tomorrow for Christmas and have several things to accomplish today before that happens.  The hot fudge is completed at least and most other presents purchased.  I guess I'm looking forward to seeing my family (some of them anyway).

I'm still feeling sad but, after talking to sh/cm on Tuesday night, I'm not as darkly depressed.  Perhaps I'm in denial, because we are still broken up.  But it helped to talk through the situation with his ex, as well as other issues in our relationship.

Regarding his approach to the ex situation, talk about denial!  Despite the intense feelings I expressed multiple times on the subject, he still thought, "We'll get through it somehow, it will all be okay."  He described this as believing in the strength of our relationship; I call it being thick-headed and stubborn.

He did say he had shifted emotionally and understood my feelings, and admitted he would have had a problem if the situation were reversed (and I admitted most people would struggle with their partner living with someone of the opposite gender, which seemed to mean a lot to him).  I think it was something he believed he "had" to do, and clung to the belief that it would all work out somehow with the strategy of him staying at my place a lot, etc.

When the proverbial excrement actually hit the fan and she said she was coming for a month, we also had been having problems and he was hurt and angry, which played into the way he handled it.

Bottom line, I am deeply disappointed that he didn't communicate more openly with me as a partner, with consideration for both our needs and feelings.  I'm sad that he didn't initially empathize with my feelings and take them more seriously.  He shared that he believed both of our jealousy was "unsustainable" and would have to lessen.  And that I would get more emotionally stormy than him about things, and he saw his role as upholding medium and long-term goals.  Or something like that.

I see the point of not always "buying in" to my emotions, especially around certain times in my cycle, but this was an issue that goes back to the start of our relationship, had come up several times, and was much more deeply rooted.  I know my own reactions to it are partially fueled by my own issues and insecurities but that's part of what I want a partner to do, be sensitive and help reassure me in areas where I struggle.

Granted, we each need to take responsibility for our own issues/reactions versus making the other person wrong, which is easier said than done.  But, basically, I wanted him to care about my feelings and work together to find a way to deal with the situation that was tolerable for both of us.

The other topic I want to mention relates to his emotional wound or trauma (he describes it as a dark void), which he had recently gotten in touch with when we first got together.  He talked about wanting to actively work with it but never really started on that process, which is what he says he wants to do now.  We'll see.  But it takes hold of him at times and causes him to see me as a bad person or purposefully unloving or hurtful.  It's the worst feeling to be on the receiving end of this, and, looking back on our emails over the past several months, has sabotaged the strength and joy in our relationship many times.  I know that my issues around perfectionism, as well as the aforementioned jealousy/insecurity, have also caused problems and pain, so I'm certainly not without blame.

Anyway, sorry for the ongoing analysis!  I'm deep in it right now.  I did go on a date Monday night.  We looked at Christmas lights and all the festivities going on down in Union Square in San Fran.cisco.  It was enjoyable and he's an intelligent, good guy, but the attraction wasn't particularly strong.  I might go out with him again, just for equilibrium purposes, when I get back from Oregon.

As a side note, sh/cm gave me a romantic, loving card and bought me a huge book of Romantic/Post-Romantic poetry, which felt loving and like an effort of sorts.  He also insisted on giving me some money to deal with car stuff, which I initially resisted but ended up taking because I would not have had to spend this money if we had gone to Oregon together, as planned.  And we drank wine and spent some time kissing, which may not be a "good" thing but felt very good.

Post-Holiday Gratitude

Well, my updating intentions flew out the window!  Sorry for my unkept promises; I'll try to do a three-in-one post.

Spending time with sh/cm's family was remarkably comfortable and easy.  Though different than me (she's a pediatrician) and profusely talkative, sh/cm's brother's wife, L, and I get along great.  She's very family-focused, and we talk a lot about her boys, their family trips (they've been all over the world - and to most of the National Parks in the greater U.S.), my relationship with sh/cm and her relationship with her husband, D, and various social issues and ideas.  She's a few years older than me but so are a lot of my friends.  

Sh/cm's dad was not the easiest person with which to connect, but he was very kind and welcoming to me. He and his wife, sh/cm's step-mother, have a traditional relationship, and there's definitely a "head of the household" mantle he carries around with him.  One example of the traditional gender-role culture in their house occurred after Thanksgiving dinner and involved me and L in the kitchen scrubbing and drying dishes, while the step-mom bustled around cleaning the rest of the kitchen, and the menfolk sat at the dining room table relaxing and reading the paper.  Grrr.  Sh/cm heard about that one later, for sure!

Anyway, overall it was a nice trip.  Other highlights included:  seeing sh/cm connect with his half-sister's  three boys, especially the oldest one (watching/listening to them play the game of Life was sweet, and I loved seeing sh/cm's patience and care); traditional Thanksgiving dinner of turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing, sweet potatoes, green beans with bacon, cranberry jelly, rolls, and pecan pie with ice cream - OMG; a gorgeous forest hike above a local Sacramento river with kids, parents, and an elder all looking out for one another and conversing amicably; finishing the weekend playing laser tag with sh/cm, his father, brother, and several nephews (I was a fun target as I could not help screaming as I ran away).

The other side of the our time near Sacramento involved sh/cm and my stay in a historic downtown Placerville hotel Wednesday and Thursday nights.  We had some amazing talks throughout the weekend about our family histories, the future of civilization, family dynamics and issues (processing our visits with his family worked much better than when we were in Eugene with my family for some reason), AND we managed to fulfill our efforts at trying to conceive in what seems to be perfect timing and flow.   

I forgot my bbt thermometer, of course, so I don't know for sure when I ovulated, but the OPK was negative Wednesday morning and positive Thursday - and I'm pretty sure I felt the famed Mittelschmerz twinges on Wednesday later in the day and on Thursday.  When I got him Friday night, I took my temperature and it indicated there had been a rise that morning/day, and this morning was clearly in the higher post-ovulation range.  I'm glad we had separate accommodations those evenings!  

TMI alert:  I stayed with my hips raised for a while each time, as well, which I don't always do, and we also practiced the "have an orgasm afterwards to draw the sperm up into the uterus" technique on our last night.  I'm feeling quite optimistic about our efforts.

We got back into town around 8:30 p.m. last night.  I'm spending the day by myself at my house (currently sitting in the sun at the kitchen table drinking a pineapple/orange/banana smoothie) and he at his, then we will be reuniting for a date night tonight.  Feeling post-holiday gratitude for my relationship with sh/cm.

Romance and Travel

I am no poet, in any sense of the word, but I wanted to share with you some poetry-like writing I did today while thinking about sh/cm.

With you, it’s in the words and the touch

It’s the long conversations, virtual and personal

About life, love, whether humanity (and we) have a future

And how it feels to hold your hand day after day,

To kiss each other like we mean it

We keep showing up, 

Somehow breaking through the icy fear 

That held us back before

Into something bigger, something that holds it all and says, 

“We’re good, baby.  We can do this.  We’re different.”  

Miraculous, really, that place.  

I think I’ll curl up there now 

And dream of love.

I guess I'm feeling romantic.  My thoughts are focused on our upcoming trip to Oregon and spending some time together with my family.  We will drive up Friday morning, a week from tomorrow, and return by Monday night.  

My brother kindly invited us to stay at his place, but sh/cm said he'd like to get a hotel room, and this girl who loves hotels will not be arguing the point!  It will be nice to have a home base to have some alone time in-between family gatherings.  

What I'm most looking forward to:

• Going on a hike with my brother and his new wife.  I'm excited for sh/cm to get to know my brother, who is the person I'm closest to in my immediate family.
• Working out at the athletic club in Eugene, which our family business developed and runs.  My sister and brother both work there - my sister with my Dad in the main office, and my brother in the club itself - so when we go there, we will likely have lunch and hang out.  And I'll get to see my niece and nephew in the on-site childcare - bonus!  
• Dinner and drinks with family.  I imagine we'll go out to a nice dinner and hopefully everyone will relax and get to know each other better over some good food and wine.
• Spending playtime with my niece and nephew! (at their house)  My nephew just turned two and will be super fun and probably all about the physical play.  My niece is four now and into imaginary play and reading (unless that's changed).  I can't wait!  It will be fun to see sh/cm around the kids, and he also may spend some of this time on this own, taking a break.

I'm going to have a phone conversation with my Dad sometime this week and say something about my hopes that he will make an effort to get to know sh/cm.  My Dad can be somewhat quiet and, let's just say, anti-social introverted.

Cycle-wise, I'm on Day 9 of a Femara cycle.  I have felt more tired than usual, and I'm not sure if that's related.  No signs of ovulation yet, which is awesome after ovulating on Day 10 last month.  Hoping I make it at least to Day 12. . .

Pounding Head, Travel Bug, and Communication "Aha!"

Well, it appears Blogger is working again. . .

It's Friday.  For some reason, this week has been absolutely creeeeping by.  Possibly due to the incessant hammering, drilling, and general banging around going on at my house from 7:30 a.m. to 4 p.m.  I can't complain too much about that, though, because it's dramatically increasing my physical safety (a strong foundation in an earthquake is a good thing, an event which is much more likely in my region of California than most of the country)

Or maybe the time drag is related to my physical discomfort.  I don't know if it's Spring allergies or a sinus infection or some other mysterious ailment, but my head has not been a friend to me just lately.  Exacerbated by falling asleep on the couch and giving myself tight/contracted neck and shoulders.  Okay, I'm sounding like I am 90 years old!  Moving on to more interesting topics.

Sound healing/chocolate man (I think I'll go with this nickname versus "Fred") and I have been keeping in touch by email.  I'm so jealous hearing of all his local explorations (National Galleries, Trafalgar Square, Shakespeare, Richmond Park, etc.).

The travel bug hasn't made a habit of biting me much.  Maybe because I traveled more than the average in my early teens, thanks to Japan and European trips gifted to me and my two cousins by our generous travel-savvy grandparents on my Dad's side.

But it's hitting me right now, and I really wish I was in England!  Having a travel partner in sh/cm wouldn't be so bad either. . .

Last night I went to my Non-Violent Communication group, even though I was tempted to stay home and lie on the floor.  I am very much appreciating this group.  One aha! moment last night came around the process of expressing our FEELINGS and NEEDS to another person.

Our facilitator said that Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of NVC, stressed that it's important to then move quickly to the REQUEST  part of the expression, to avoid the danger of that person feeling that you are BLAMING them for causing your feelings; assuming you are saying they are doing something WRONG.

I can't tell you how many times this has happened to me in relationships.  I share my feelings, 'cause I'm a feeling kinda gal, with the intention of feeling closer and more connected to them.  Instead, they become defensive, I feel frustrated and assume they don't care, and we end up further apart.  So this is a big one for me to practice.

I am looking forward to a weekend without the company of drills and jackhammers.  Dance and theatre workshop on Sunday.

And maybe a Skype conversation with sh/cm.